Healing

Enhanced Cacao Journals: Bad Trip or Hard Journey?

~ Nicole Gnutzman

Every once in a while someone asks about “bad trips” or shares they have experienced one in the past–always without a guide and usually in a discordant environment–and is a bit fearful of a deep journey. I always share that I personally don’t believe in bad trips, only in bad preparation and intention.

The first rule for a safe journey (I prefer that word over trip, which has a certain connotation) is that set and setting and the sacred matter. Second, sitting with an experienced guide matters. Third, having an inward, closed-eye journey with curated music, matters. Fourth, the medicine you take matters. Fifth, having an intention matters. And lastly, knowing (and using) the empowering techniques that can support you when it gets hard matters.

Journeys are not meant to be easy. Sorry, if you’re looking for a quick fix. When held as a sacred, inward journey, they illuminate, clarify, release, resolve and heal. When a client has done the work to prepare, is open and curious, and comes with a pure intention, the journey can be joyful, healing and profound. Deep journeys allow for cathartic release, radical clarity and deep healing, all of which are necessary and can be a bit messy. When held as sacred and safe, with an experienced guide, the journey may be hard, but it will never be bad.

Let’s go a bit deeper on each requirement for a positive, healing journey and outcomes.

Set and Setting

Michael Pollan in his book, How to Change Your Mind, echoes and emphasizes the importance of set and setting, which other researchers and writers before and since have called out as critical to a positive healing outcome. Set means mindset. How you go into the journey with your mind matters. Are you curious and open or skeptical and closed? You must be able to suspend your disbelief and see the experience with eyes of wonder, not cynicism. Have you done research to inform yourself and ease your mind with creating unrealistic expectations? Remember you will receive what you need not what you want to what someone else has experienced. Has your guide provided an orientation session to answer questions and share how they hold the space, so your mind can rest? The mind is powerful and wants to control the experience and get its own way, but it will only get in the way. Prepare yourself, so it won’t. And if it still does, then there’s more work to do….

Setting is about comfort, feeling safe physically and being held in the sacred. Is the setting warm, inviting and comfortable? Do you feel safe there? Is it private? Are you away from distractions and interruptions? Do you have everything you need: extra blankets, water, eye mask, comfort items? Your journey space should feel like a retreat from the world. Sacred space feels different; it’s as if you have crossed a threshold and entered another world where the energy feels clear and clean and safe. You feel held in the sacred. To support that feeling, your guide may create an altar designating and honoring sacred space and clear the space energetically. Set, setting and the sacred matter.

A Guided Journey

Going on a journey alone, even if you have sat with a guide before, is not recommended unless you are very experienced or are a guide yourself. A deep journey is not an out-in-nature or at-a-concert or with-friends-at-a-party experience; it is an inward-looking experience, which may be and feel unfamiliar and uncomfortable. It is a new, unknown, inner terrain to be explored, not feared.

Ultimately, a guide is not just there to make you feel comfortable; they are there to hold the space, so you can go deep safely. If they have embodied wisdom, deep listening skills and compassion (you will feel it), trust that your guide knows this world well. This deep embodied presence only comes from deep self-healing, direct experience and supporting clients through their own.

I hold space so safely that I have even had former clients share that they called me in virtually and energetically to be “with” them on a journey where I was not present, and in which they felt fearful. One is a psychotherapist and was on a solo journey without a guide and thought he was “dying” (thankfully only metaphorically); and the other was in a large group experience, but had been given such powerful medicine, he lost all sense of himself. My “presence” was able to support both of them during their hard journey. A guide with whom you feel safe matters.

Inward Journey

Clinical studies have proven that positive and sustained healing and therapeutic outcomes are directly related to two conditions for the journey: 1) a closed eye experience, and 2) curated music with a journey arc.

A deep, inward journey with eyes closed allows for interoception–where you have access to and awareness of your inner state of being. Studies reveal that interoception may be deeply connected to consciousness. It’s the ultimate mind-body reconnection. A psychedelic journey may even be able to resolve interoceptive imbalances such as anxiety. An eyes open experience–exteroception–does not allow for this awareness as it is a different form of perception acting on different brain receptors. Closing your eyes matters deeply.

Music on your journey is also critical to the experience and not just any music. An inward journey has an arc–a descent as obstacles are faced and emotions are felt and released, and then an emergence from the depths with new wisdom and insight–and the music follows this arc deliberately. It echoes the mythological hero’s journey as described by Joseph Campbell. The music that is most supportive is sacred–indigenous songs and native instruments, chanting and mantra, not heavy metal or electronica.

Most clients love my music playlists and every once in a while one doesn’t like a particular song. I share that they aren’t meant to “like” the songs; the music has a purpose beyond their own preferences and there may a deeper message in them not liking it. If they are focused on the music or taken out of their journey because of it, then their awareness isn’t on their inward journey and they may be avoiding going deeper. I gently suggest they bring their awareness back to the journey. An inward focus and music matter.

The Medicine

Not every sacred medicine is the same. With psilocybin, like other earth and plant medicines, there are strains or varieties. Some strains are great for a purely psychedelic experience and good for recreational, eyes open experiences; others are good for micro-dosing; and some are more embodied, which is perfect to support emotional release, energy clearing and healing outcomes. Some strains are super powerful and can support breakthrough experiences, which should only be shared with more experienced clients, who are familiar with inner work and integration. The strain matters. Dosage matters. The consciousness of the growers matters. The wrong medicine in the wrong context and with the wrong dosage is how “bad” trips came to be labeled as such. The medicine matters.

Intention Setting

Entering a journey experience without an intention is like saying “bring everything you have,” which can simply be overwhelming or tells the medicine you aren’t serious about healing and holding the experience as sacred. The medicine is wise and knows your underlying intention. If all you are looking for is an experience, then perhaps a healing journey is not for you.

If you are serious and true, it’s best to have a focused intention that asks to release whatever is in the way of healing and to receive what you want to live into. This focus acts as a map or a guidepost and allows you to more fully receive, understand and integrate the message. Now, as I’ve shared before, the medicine brings you what you most need, not necessarily what you want, which can be two very different things. While it’s important to have an intention as it provides direction and focus, it’s equally as important to let go of the expectation of how it shows up or of the outcomes. Letting go of expectation helps in avoiding disappointment. Intention truly matters.

Empowerment Techniques

In a previous post, I shared that plant medicine has a consciousness and is trying to find a way to communicate with you. A journey does not have to be a passive experience where you only receive; it can be an active conversation that empowers you in your own healing.

If the messages are coming in too fast, then ask the medicine to slow down. If the messages are coming in a form you cannot understand or are too dark, then say, “I want to receive the message, can you bring it in another form?” It’s almost like changing a TV channel; it’s pretty amazing how responsive the medicine is. And you can always open your eyes to pause the inward journey (like a commercial break). The world will look pretty normal once you open your eyes. But remember, the healing outcomes come from looking inside. Empowered communication matters.

A healing journey requires being courageous and brave; open and willing; curious, engaged and empowered. Your journey may be deep, even a bit dark, and most certainly hard, but it never has to be a bad trip if you hold it and perceive it as safe and sacred. If you truly want to change or open your mind, or at least your perception, that starts even before the journey begins….

©Soulscape Coaching LLC

The Cacao Journals Plus: Umleitung?

~ Nicole Gnutzman

Years ago, an ex-boyfriend and I took my mother on holiday to Germany, where she was born and lived until she was 25. One day, on the trip, we were driving our tiny little rental car and saw a sign that said, Umleitung. Neither of us understood what it meant, so we asked my mother and she repeated the word, “Umleitung.” I asked her again what it was in English and she responded, “Umleitung.” By now, we were thoroughly confused and getting worried. I quickly realized she thought she was saying it in English, lol, and all three of us cried out at the same time, “Detour!” and made a sharp turn at the last sign. Good thing we figured out the translation and followed the sign!

I tell my clients when they share that their intention is to have more of something in their lives, how beautiful that intention is and that with sacred medicine, it may take you on a detour first because you can’t get from where you are to where you want to be on a direct route. If you could, you would be there already, right? Makes sense, but it doesn’t mean the road is without bumps.

Recognizing we are being taken on a detour, accepting it and trusting we will get to our destination is a key part of the journey. On the detour there are feelings to be felt, patterns and beliefs to be seen for what they are and stuck energies to be released. To reach a beautiful destination, sometimes we have to spend time in a remote and desolate place. Even in the desert there’s an oasis we can’t yet see; and we have walk in the unrelenting sun to get there….

Whatever state of being you are needing or wanting to release, the medicine may bring you face to face with it. It’s like looking into an inner mirror. The medicine knows you are ready to face it or it wouldn’t present it to you or take you there. It asks you to look at it directly, see it and work with and through it. Doing anything other than that is what we call “by-passing.” If you refuse to relinquish control of the journey and decide to create your own inner detour, you will get stuck in a roundabout, going around in endless circles with no exit.

When clients come to a session feeling depressed or anxious, the medicine may push them farther into that feeling during or even afterwards to confront it, work through it by trusting the medicine and integrate the feelings and learnings. None of this is easy work, but when it’s done, it’s profoundly healing.

Clients, after healing sessions, most often feel tender, tired and a bit raw because they have released stuck energies, felt and integrated deep feelings, and begun to smooth the grooves of old patterns, habits and beliefs. Many feel much better the day after and by the third day are in the “afterglow” of clarity, open awareness and lightness of being. They feel and experience the healing outcomes fairly quickly and directly.

However, some may feel stuck in a transitional, liminal space because the medicine is still working with them; they feel ungrounded and low, and worry that their depression and anxiety have not been (and will not be) alleviated. I always say to them, “be patient and trust the medicine;” it knows what it’s doing.

Everyone is on their own personal journey and their own integration path and timing. Trust that the liminal phase will pass. Notice everything over the first days and in the coming weeks. Keep your state of awareness open by noticing how you are different and what’s showing up or not in your life, and learning to pause and know you are always at choice. These intentional, conscious practices are vital to your healing outcomes and will be conscious until they become unconscious and are the new healthy habit.

You may need additional integration support with a coach or therapist, micro-dosing and/or working with cacao as a daily practice, during your transition, so you can begin to integrate and embody the state of being you are seeking. 

So, on your journey, remember to notice the signs, follow the guided detour and trust it will take you to your destination safely. While it may not be the scenic route or the easiest, it is the healing one.

©Soulscape Coaching LLC

The Cacao Journals: Integration & Innerstanding

~ Nicole Gnutzman

I am on fire about this topic and there aren’t too many things I get fired up about, so if I am more direct than usual, that’s why…. This fire deep in my belly arose after a potential client asked, “When does it not work?” I clarified by asking, “Do you mean the journey experience itself or after?” “After,” he said. Without hesitation, I shared, “When clients don’t do their integration work.”

A journey on its own can be a breakthrough experience; however, it only becomes truly transformative when it’s been integrated and informs a client’s behavior and actions. When a client interprets what they received and allows it to inform their choices with conscious intention, then it goes beyond just an experience. A friend in this space has called this “innerstanding”, which aptly captures how integration is about inhabiting the space within and living into it.

As Dr. John Churchill said in his recent podcast with Aubrey Marcus, post journey, we want to move from “state to trait development” and evolve our ego development, which requires integration. Otherwise, it’s just an experience like going to the amusement park; it may be entertaining, thrilling or even frightening, but it doesn’t change your life. If you want an illuminating and transformative experience, you need to innerstand and integrate what you received.

Not surprisingly, most clients do not know how to do this on their own. A few may because they have done some deep inner work already; others, with integration support, can find their way; and the rest, who choose not to receive or ask for support, are left wandering in the space of un-integration–where they go back to exactly the way they were–or even disintegration–where they can’t go back because they have let go of old patterns (come undone) and do not know how to consciously create the new patterns they want to live into on their own.

So, not only is a journey guide necessary to the actual experience, integration coaching as part of the overall process is vital. This is why my sessions include an integration call after always. Now, not every client chooses to have the call, which is where things can get tricky for them.

Integration involves not just capturing the experience in some way through voice memos, journaling, drawing and reflection; it is a deep exploratory and discovery process that requires decoding, translation and analysis to fully receive, understand and live into what has been “communicated.”

The reason it requires this level of under/innerstanding is that while the language of the experience can be almost glaringly truthful, it is not always so literal and direct. Sometimes, tricksterism may even be involved, where the message may be deeper than first thought or even inverted. Our plant allies can be jokesters and have a robust sense of humor!

Just like in a dream, your experience may involve symbolism and imagery, metaphor and archetypes, shadow aspects, and even word play. Nothing may be exactly as it seems and requires translation. Most clients don’t know what they don’t know.

The pitfalls of not going deeper and not fully understanding the message can show up in a myriad of ways: 1) nothing changes even though that’s what the client desired in their intention, 2) stuff shows up (usually as triggers) that the client does not know what to do with and falls back into old reactive behaviors, 3) the ego (or spiritual ego) gets inflated and behavior driven by that inflation creates disturbances in their life, seemingly out of their control. Without conscious practices, integration coaching and tools, life can get old and messy pretty quickly.

My co-facilitators and I are realizing more and more the vital importance and impact of pre and post inner work on healing/therapeutic outcomes. More soon on the supportive pathways and practices we’re going to be sharing.

©Soulscape Coaching LLC

The Cacao Journals: Water, a Deepening

~ nicole

Water: voice of grief,

Cry of love,

In the flowing tear.

Water: vehicle and idiom

Of all the inner voyaging

That keeps us alive.

Blessed be water,

Our first mother.

John O’Donohue, from “In Praise of Water” in To Bless the Space Between Us

The tender-hearted tendrils of our earthly soul need water to grow and flourish. While the earth as element brings us abundance and foundational grounding, water brings us into relationship and connection with deep soul nourishment that replenishes and cleanses us.

As we begin to look at and embrace who we truly are, we may unearth deep, raw feelings, feelings we have repressed, suppressed, and even “managed.” Denying and ignoring our emotions may seem to have served us, but over time, numbs us to everything, not just the emotions we choose not to feel.

We cannot only experience the feelings we like without the others. When there is no space for all our feelings, there can be no joy (and we all want more of that). Embracing the polarity, the duality, the paradox of sadness and joy needing to co-exist gives richness to life itself. Once we begin to feel again, we feel it all; life suddenly feels wonderful and shitty at the same time. It gets real again. Wisdom and freedom lie in the discomfort.

From this very real place, we are invited to face our deeper feelings, the grief and sadness of what we have left unsaid, undone, unfulfilled; what we have yet to leave, discard, and let go of, so we can dive down into the watery depths toward the messages from our soul. To access the deeper truths, we must open, allow and receive.

Water symbolizes our emotional center, our bodily intuition, the deep feminine, our subconscious and unconscious; and offers purification and cleansing of our soul. Deep and murky, in those shadows true treasure lies. Dipping a toe in or wading in up to our ankles, will do nothing for our soul. Riches don’t float to the surface unless they are tethered to the mud below.

To heal and nourish our neglected soul is deep, immersive work and yet can be held with gentle tenderness. Cacao became that gentle therapist for me, never taking me deeper than I could handle. She gently peeled back the layers of all I had taken on and assumed over time, so I could look at it all (and myself) with compassion and love. Cacao slowly raised things from my subconscious and unconscious during medicine journeys and in the dreamtime for me to examine in the gentle light of day. She invited me to be my own witness and healer.

Our soul wants us to feel again, not by wallowing, dramatizing or getting stuck in our emotions, but rather by witnessing them. How do we witness our emotions? By acknowledging them (“I feel sad” or “I feel afraid” or “I feel joyful”) and being grateful (thanking the emotion for how it has served you); understanding just enough of why it is showing up in that moment (you may want to connect to your inner child and then ask what she/he needs); and then fully accepting and integrating the feeling, allowing it to move through you. This is the path to healing and wholeness. We remember how to feel without being overwhelmed.

The lotus or water lily is a symbol of enlightenment because of the beautiful bloom that emerges from the mud. It is a symbol of purity, spontaneous generation and divine birth. – hunker.com

Allowing our feelings to be met in this gentle way tends to our tendrils, transforming the parched ground of our being into a lush, fertile inner garden with a pond of inner reflection and gorgeous water lilies emerging from the mud.

Copyright ©2019 Soulscape Coaching LLC.

The Cacao Journals: Healing through Loss

~ nicole ~ 1 Comment

A dear friend passed away this week. I’m devastated, reflective and humbled, all at the same time. Her illness was unexpected, her decline precipitous, and her death sudden. Given the gift of sharing my love for her over the phone by her family and friends, I said goodbye. And then I was just there, standing in the kitchen with my grief.

One of my friend’s favorite sayings was “good grief!” which she often exclaimed when I shared something she found dismaying or alarming. Given the adventures I’ve lived and shared, she said it more frequently than perhaps she or I would have liked! The term always felt somehow quaint and old fashioned, and was classically her.

Curious about its origins and meaning, I looked up the definition–”used to express surprise or annoyance” (Merriam Webster)–and then came across this organization–goodgrief.org, which is “a free informational resource to assist individuals and families in finding the wellsprings of renewal in the grieving process.”

This post was born because of both: the memory of her words and the resource that found me because of them. I dedicate this to my dear friend, Robin, who loved my writing and joked that she read my posts in search of punctuation errors, which she claimed she never found. May she be reading this now and find one or two. In my grieving has come that glimpse of renewal (and a brief smile as I write this).

In reflecting on her death, I came to the realization just how much I would miss her, the uniqueness of her. We had worked together for just one year, eight years ago, and had become “fast friends.” After I left the organization, we stayed close, saw each other a few times a year, and due to our schedules, filled the gaps with long, deep telephone conversations, a rarity in this day and age.

I could share anything with her because of the love and trust we had for one another. My increasingly unconventional life was an unending source of amusement and fascination for her, and while she may not have always understood or agreed with it, she accepted me and it unconditionally; and I her with her ordered closets, martini dinners, and wicked sense of humor. We made each other laugh and we cried together too. She even indulged me by allowing me to share a private cacao ceremony with her, which she, rather surprisingly to us both, loved.

To allow myself to feel fully and grieve, I found myself at the beach, where I often go to release my pain. There, I built a tiny altar of stones and shells in honor of her. As the tide rose, I wept, said goodbye and watched the waves envelop and wash away the altar. I kept one shell, a perfect spiral of a shell, as a beautiful memory of the ritual and of her. I have been carrying it (and her) in my pocket everywhere I go and it gives me such solace. I know she is with me always.

In reflecting on my grief, I came across this wonderful passage, which so eloquently expresses my experience of loss and healing:

“[W]e don’t get past the pain. We must go through it. We can’t go around it or over it or under it either. The path to healing through loss, which means the path to wholeness, requires that we incorporate our pain. To incorporate means to literally take the pain into our body (corps). We get to that place where joy and grief can live together by becoming whole. The process of healing, whether from a physical illness or from a catastrophic life disturbance is a transformational journey. We are changed in the process. The goal is not to be the ‘way we were’ once again, the goal is to be more than we were before, to include more of life. Ultimately the goal is to include loss in our love and trust of life.” – goodgrief.org

Good grief, Robin, I will miss you so, my darling friend! You will always and forever have a special place in my heart and soul. You are my soul sister.

Copyright ©2019 Soulscape Coaching.

The Cacao Journals: A Call to Wholeness

~ nicole
Dare to wear your soul on the outside…. Respond to the call: the call to passion and wholeness, the call to joy and fulfillment, the call to claim the magnificence and bounty of your own true voice. – Gloria Burgess

I can still be astonished by the healing power of Mama Cacao. I’m so close to the healing I received from her that sometimes I lose perspective. I still marvel at it, but most of the time, I’m just walking around in me all day, so I’m used to wearing my soul on the outside. When someone else experiences her healing power, my ears perk up and my perspective shifts. I see the soul healing before my very eyes; I feel it in my heart and soul.

In previous posts, I’ve mentioned that a cacao medicine journey or ceremony is a practice where your relationship with the spirit of cacao deepens over time with each ceremony. And sometimes she calls you to a further deepening, a deeper immersion.

A cacao dieta (diet) is that immersive practice. It’s a 10- or 14-day daily practice with cacao as healer and me as your guide. It begins with intention-setting, then a group or private cacao ceremony (this can be done virtually), followed by daily self- practice (as short or as long as you wish) with cacao either in the form of a bliss ball or a half serving of the cacao drink I share in ceremony. At the mid point of the dieta is a check in session to see how your deepening is progressing and if any adjustments need to be made. The dieta concludes with another cacao medicine journey, followed by a closing integration session. It can be profoundly and deeply healing.

A dear client and friend, who has experienced several cacao medicine journeys with me, recently felt called to complete a cacao dieta after she received a message in ceremony. She set her intention for her dieta as one of self-love to heal her inner wounds. At our mid point check in, she and I found ourselves in a state of absolute astonishment. I share her own words with you as a testament to her healing:

“I thought I had all this work to do and found it wasn’t about that at all…. Wholeness is always there. It’s learning about letting go, a 56-year process in the lightness of being. Embodying all I am is all I had to do. I am loving life.”

She felt herself opening to self-love and understanding that forgiveness does not require rehashing everything. There was none of “doing that to her.” She learned she just needs to be and when she does she feels luminescent. She has never felt more grounded in her life.

It makes me tear up as I write this because I know that all of us are whole in our deep soul. The truth of that is such a beautiful remembering.

Feel and follow your call to wholeness…. xoxo

Copyright ©2018 Soulscape Coaching LLC

The Cacao Journals: Embodiment Medicine

~ nicole
Soul to me means “embodied essence”….[H]ealing comes through embodiment of the soul. – Marion Woodman

How do we get out of our heads and into our bodies? That’s where true wisdom lies. Wisdom comes from accessing the deep soul inside of you. Everyone has access to this deep soul; we just have to believe and remember, so we can reconnect to it….

You probably invested a lot of time and money in training your mind to excel at whatever it is you do. It has served you well, putting food on the table and a home to keep you warm and safe; allowing you a vacation to an exotic locale to escape, rather ironically, from your mind; and addressing almost every need you have. Then, over time and possibly even quite suddenly, you found it was no longer serving you; it was driving you. The sense of control your mind gave you over your life suddenly turned on you and you realized that you were being controlled by it. Inner mind control run amuck.

Where your motivation once came from–the expectation of others, financial reward and competition (even if you were competing against your own standard)–no longer drives you.  It’s like that romantic relationship that you outgrow or that becomes too controlling. The flame of your desire is gone just like that. You suddenly find yourself unmotivated, joyless, purposeless. It feels excruciating. You desperately want to escape and that’s exactly when you need to go deeper, to look inside.

True purpose, joy and love come from within. Your mind doesn’t create joy, it responds to and recognizes it. Your mind doesn’t determine your true purpose, it engages with it and acts on it. Your joy and purpose are the true drivers and they come from connecting to your inner knowing. Love deserves its own blog post.

We all excel at tuning out–not listening to our bodies, our feelings, our gut. To rediscover and reconnect to our joy and purpose, we have to go inside. How do we do that, and given our propensity for wanting to see results fast, how do we find a way that shows us enough of what’s possible that we commit to it as a practice. Awakening can be spontaneous; it’s sustaining and embodying it that takes commitment.

We need embodiment medicine. Not pharmaceutical grade medicine, but ceremonial grade. This is why I work with ceremonial cacao. Not only is it a facilitator, allowing us to access our feelings and work gently with them; it also is a catalyst, giving us a glimpse of what our soul’s path is; and a healer, healing our inner wounds and removing our protective layers, so we can experience joy again. Through my own personal work with cacao and holding cacao medicine journeys for hundreds of people, I have experienced and witnessed this first hand. I am not alone; cacao medicine practitioners across the globe are sharing this medicine. It’s become a thing, a very good, healing thing.

The results of journeying with ceremonial cacao are both immediate and not. What’s immediate is the feeling experience and the initial glimpse into what’s possible, which can be profound and powerful. The glimpse acts as the motivator to keep you on this healing path. Releasing what no longer works for you, calling in what does, and fully embodying your joy, purpose and love takes time. You spent decades creating protections and benefiting from them; becoming who you truly are will naturally take a little time. Cacao is soul medicine and becomes your teacher, healer and guide. The benefits and beauty are beyond anything your mind could ever imagine.

If you’re in NorCal, come to a cacao medicine journey (see my Events page). If you live far away, reach out and let’s find a way to make cacao a part of your embodiment practice wherever you are. For a deeper immersion into joy and purpose, come to Lake Atitlan, Guatemala in February (click HERE for more details). I’m also available for a conversation about designing a path for you as a mentor and guide.

Copyright ©2018 Soulscape Coaching LLC.

Cacao Journals: Finding Sanctuary

~ nicole
Remember the entrance door to the sanctuary is inside you. – Rumi

Sanctuary is vital to me. Where I live, how I live and who I share my life with must be in alignment with that. I love the energy of the natural world, as you know, so my recent move marks a return to living in nature, surrounded by trees, a pond, wildlife and the sound of the ocean in the distance (and a cacophony of tree frogs when I go to sleep :)). I feel a sense of peace and tranquility here that I simply don’t in the city with its energetic human hum and traffic noise.

My ceremonial, drumming, coaching and healing work calls for being present, deeply authentic and in full integrity in every moment, which means I must cultivate and call on my own inner sanctuary to be of service.

I cultivate inner sanctuary in several ways: 1) living in nature, or when I can’t, visiting it frequently in silent devotion, 2) quieting my mind in meditation and noticing when it gets too noisy in there or too darn critical, and 3) journeying to the drum or with cacao and hanging out with my spirit guides, who just happen to live in beautiful natural landscapes or should I call them “soulscapes”?

Within you there is a stillness and a sanctuary to which you can retreat at any time. – Hermann Hesse

In cultivating my outer sanctuary, I have to know what environment and energies bring me inner peace and tranquility. For instance, I’m a forest, lake and beach girl; you may be a meadow, desert or mountain girl or guy.

Find your outer sanctuary and “go” there often by bringing it inside of you. Even if it’s thousands of miles away, put on some music that calls you there, close your eyes, and imagine being there. Take it in with all your senses. Or come journey with me and I will take you to that place.

Sanctuary is much like how we dress here in Northern California; it comes in layers, both outer and inner. Cultivate all your sanctuaries. You will discover they bring you the clarity of mind, focus, inspiration and illumination you need to bring your creativity and brilliance fully into the world. Not to mention inner wisdom and deep peace….

Copyright ©2018 Soulscape Coaching LLC

The Cacao Journals: Journeying with the Drum

~ nicole
Pray with me before we start, we’ll journey deep into your heart, invoking trance, awake the soul, We drum as one, until you’re whole. – Barbara Meiklejohn-Free & Flavia Kate Peters

My first journeys were with ceremonial cacao, and as I deepened into those journeys and encountered my spirit animal, the black Jaguar, again and again, I found myself becoming curious about shamanism and shamanic journeying with the drum. What I was most curious about was finding out who my Power Spirit Animal really was….

Your Power Animal, or any spirit animal for that matter, always chooses you; you don’t get to choose it. So, while I knew that the Jaguar was one of my  many spirit animals, who bring the medicine we need in that moment, I wasn’t sure if it was my Power Spirit Animal.

At a shamanic workshop, I learned how to journey with the drum to reconnect with my Power Animal and then my Higher Guide or Teacher. Once I had successfully reconnected with both I was then able to journey and ask questions to which I wanted answers, and I also could journey to my guides on another’s behalf, receive and bring back an answer for a vital question in their life that they had been struggling to answer.

The voice of the drum is a spirit thing. – Mickey Hart

Not only did I confirm that the black Jaguar was my Power Animal–believe me I let go of any attachment to that outcome–I also met my Teacher for the first time. Let me share a bit of each journey with you.

In my Power Animal journey, I went to my place of entry into the Lower World, which is always a real place such as a hollowed out tree or cave or  contained body of water like a lake or pond, and journeyed on the beat of the drum to meet my Power Animal.

When I arrived at an underwater cavern, I looked up and saw bats. Really, I thought? My Power Animal is a bat? Strangely I was open to it because I knew that the bat in shamanic cultures symbolizes rebirth and transformation, which is so much of what my work is about. And then I sensed something behind me and heard a swishing noise. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a big black cat’s tail going back and forth on the cavern floor. I turned and the black Jaguar was there. Her sense of humor and playfulness have been such a delight every time I journey with her.

My journey to meet my Teacher was stunningly beautiful. When we journey to the Upper World, it is via a tree, a staircase, the smoke of a fire, anything real that we have experienced in life that takes us upwards. I emerged into a beautiful garden and my Teacher was sitting on a bench near a Chinese pagoda. He had a long white beard and was wearing a white robe, which I thought a bit cliché, but again, who I am to decide? He has been the most wonderful, kind and gentle master.

Both were powerful, affirming journeys for me, and my journeys with my guides since them have been nothing short of profound. My questions are always answered more deeply than I thought possible. I now offer group and private 1:1 journeys as a way for you to reconnect with and develop a relationship your guides, who can guide, problem solve and heal you on this sometimes messy, Middle World (Earth) journey.

In my next blog post, I’ll share a few almost unbelievable experiences I’ve had journeying on behalf of my clients. I offer these both as private in-person sessions and as virtual sessions (we talk on the phone about your question, I journey offline, and then I share what I’ve received with you on the phone or via video conference so we can record it). The messages are always so spot on. Come journey with me….

Copyright ©2018 Soulscape Coaching LLC

The Cacao Journals: our Mother Wound

~ nicole
“Every Mother contains her daughter in herself and every daughter her mother and every mother extends backwards into her mother and forwards into her daughter.” – C.G. Jung

It was my Mother’s birthday on the 21st of February. She passed from this world last year, and I’m writing this in honor of her. Her light remains bright in my life.

And we had our issues and wounds as many mothers and daughters do. We loved each other, respected each other’s choices, and we had our wounds. Those wounds certainly were not gaping and festering, but they kept us from truly understanding one another and being close.

Through reflection and inner work, I came to see and accept that my mother had her own wounds that had been handed down from generation to generation. Our wounds were ancestral and even collective.

When I first began working with cacao in personal ceremony, I encountered the whole, deep feminine, which was profoundly healing for me. The more I worked with IxCacao, who I came to call Mama Cacao, the more my mother wound was healed at all levels: personal, ancestral and collective.

In cacao ceremony at two beautiful spiritual gatherings this past weekend, I expressed how I had received the first of many healings of my mother wound in my very first personal cacao ceremony.

In my first of many ceremonies, I found myself inexplicably crying, rocking myself, and releasing an emotional burden that I wasn’t fully aware I had been carrying for a very long time. Spent and exhausted, I lay down, wrapped myself in a blanket and curled into a fetus position.

My original intention for personal ceremony had been to invite in and open to IxCacao, the spirit of cacao. It was only after I broke fully open, or She broke me open, that She appeared to me. I found myself sharing with Her how exhausted She must be from healing everyone (I do not know where that came from) and invited Her to come sit in my lap and rest.

She merged into me and I felt Her in my whole body, especially in my heart. My heart got tighter and tighter, and was so constricting that I asked why She was holding on so tightly. She responded, “I am not the one holding on.” She then said, “I will always be there for you,” which struck my heart like a lightning bolt of unconditional love. I felt loved for the first time in my life and I was able to truly love and accept myself.

I realized then that I needed to let go of Her. I birthed Her out of my womb and felt my heart open completely (and, yes, I know, this is beyond all rational explanation).

In this first experience with cacao, I was both mothered and mother. It healed my mother wound on such a deep level that my own relationship with my biological mother, who was still alive at the time, became more healthy and whole.

After working with cacao, I was able to tell my Mom, “I love you,” which was not something that our family did, and I was able to be all of me in her presence regardless of her expectations or wishes or beliefs. She would say what she had been “programmed” to say, and it didn’t bother me in the least. In fact, I was able to laugh to myself, see the Truth and love her.

When my mother fell ill last year, and I was at her bedside when she died, I became the mother, showing a tenderness toward her that I did not know I had (never having had biological children of my own). This tenderness came from healing that deep, core wound through the feminine plant medicine of cacao.

In sacred ceremony, IxCacao becomes our surrogate mother, unconditionally loving us, showing us her deepest compassion, and sharing her infinite wisdom. She is our healer, teacher, guide, and mother. She comes from the earth and reconnects us to Mother Earth, to ourselves, to our mothers, and to all of our relations. She heals the original wound, which we all have; the wound of our disconnection from Mother Earth.

There’s a deep wound in people–that they have been so cut off from the source of their being, their mother, their Earth Mother. – Francis Story Talbott II

I’ve been blessed to witness how many women attending my cacao ceremonies have reconnected with their mothers, who have passed, and healed their relationships during their journeys. Their gratitude for this healing and their radiance is so beautiful to witness.

Cacao is healing heart medicine for the mother wound in us all. I share Her love, so that we may all reconnect to the source of our being, to the mothers who have come before us, and to Mother Earth, who bore us all.

Copyright ©2018 Soulscape Coaching LLC.