Shed your shoulds. { Make your yeses count.} – Regan Walsh

Expectation is the root of all heartache. – Shakespeare

Ah, the dreaded “shoulds.” We live by them and for them, but they don’t feed our soul.

Anytime you find yourself saying the word, “should,” like in “I should do that” or “I should really go there,” ask yourself “Really, why?” Is it some obligation or expectation that a family member or friend imposed on you? Well, guess what, that’s theirs, not yours. They re-gifted their “should” to you, because someone gave it to them. And we all know how much we love being re-gifted. The re-gifting can stop with you. You have the power.

When you do something you “should” do, is it you trying to please people, saying “yes” to them but not to yourself? That’s you making yourself miserable because whatever you are saying “yes’ to is not what you truly want. Deep down inside you resent it and eventually you may feel resentment for the people you are trying to please because they are making you do something you don’t want to do. I hate to break the news to you, but no one makes you do anything except you. And don’t expect others to appreciate all the “shoulds” you are doing for them. They expect you to do them, just like they do….

In society, we have all these unspoken rules of conduct, these ‘shoulds.’ Even though we pride ourselves in being a democracy, there are all these ways that we say you ‘should’ behave. But what if you’re living your life by the ‘shoulds’ and you’re not really living your life? – Chris Noth

So, the key is that you have to relearn how to say “yes” to the things you truly want to do because you love doing them not because someone else wants you to or because you want to gain someone else’s love or approval. I’m not going to say it’s easy because I’m a recovering “people pleaser” myself and I understand how hard it is to break the pattern, but it’s absolutely necessary to live into your soul gifts and path. Absolutely, undeniably and soulfully.

Only you know, and get to decide, whether you want something or not. The key word here is “want.” So, if Aunt Isabelle thinks you “should” go to so-and-so’s party, go only because you truly want to, not out of obligation. Go because you care about your cousin or your nieces and nephews or because there will be really good cake, don’t go because you “should.” When you say “yes’ to going because you truly want to, you will show up in an entirely different way. And, if you choose not to go because you can’t think of a really good reason to go, then you will have to live with the consequences, which may be a really lovely bubble bath with candles and a glass of wine (and don’t forget the rubber ducky).

Whatever flak you may get for not going are consequences too, but remember it’s their stuff; it’s their need to have you fit into the “shoulds” that rule their life, that they’ve been conditioned to accept. Have compassion for them (and yourself) because most people haven’t yet learned they are being held hostage by their “shoulds.” You, who see the “shoulds” now for what they are, are learning to honor your own needs while being respectful and compassionate to others’. Feel how freeing that is. Your soul is a “should-free” zone.

Then there are the “musts.” Different certainly than the “shoulds” and even the “wants.” If “wants” come from our soul, then “musts” come from an even deeper place, a place that cares for something beyond (and even greater than) the self. When my husband was asked at the last minute if he could fly to Guatemala on the red eye and help rescue a project he deeply cared about, he worried that I might object. What welled up from deep inside of me was this: “You must go. There’s no question.” Those words were the Truth from deep in my soul. My husband and I both remember it to this day and we use it as a litmus test for knowing when we “must” do something; a true “must” surpasses any should and even our own needs and wants.

When you allow yourself the small “yeses;” you just may find a big “yes” that’s actually a soulful “must.” And when you find it, you will have all the confidence and courage in the world to live into it. Declare your own should-free zone.