Cacao Journals: The Dragonfly & Magic Marble

~ Nicole Gnutzman ~ Leave a comment

Come back to the stillness of the love within and know your heart light to be what it is—reliable and true—showing you the way even now, in peace and stillness. —Alana Fairchild

I arrived a few days early at Lake Atitlan, Guatemala to share some sacred medicine with a small courageous group before the cacao retreat. I found myself caught in a swirl of uncertainty and unpredictability with things not going quite as originally planned, trying my best to go with the flow, which at times felt more like a whirlpool. Resisting, even ever so slightly, and not giving myself completely over to the flow, can be exhausting. So, I simply allowed everything to be as it was.

Unpredictability can be Trickster energy, keeping us off balance, so we can free ourselves of attachment to old patterns, behaviors and desires. On the way to the Lake, I lost a hiking boot, the right foot to be exact. I’m not sure how; it just disappeared out of my backpack. The right side is the masculine aspect, our rational, logical, analytical, planning side. Hmmm, I’ve come to learn that everything in my world is a message. I had noticed on recent hikes that my feet were sore, which is always a sign that my boots were getting old and they also strangely felt too small. Time for new, more expansive boots on this path!

During the opening ceremony of the retreat, we were led in a guided meditation to look inside a tree and see what was there. Now, I am one of those folks who never seem able to follow the directions of a guided meditation because my guides always want to take me somewhere else, lol! This is why I let people know they can go wherever they are guided when I lead my meditations. 

All I saw was a clear, blue ball. Hmmm, I thought, what does that signify? Is it the Lake? Or the ocean? Both symbolizing the deep feminine. It was almost like a globe, as if I was looking down on the world from above. In that moment, it wasn’t clear to me. I trusted it would make itself known.

There is a way forward on the path that needs to be seen by you. It will be helpful for you to have that clarity and that certainty. You might have already caught a glimpse of it but be doubting your vision or yourself….What you are feeling, deep within the passionate love of your heart light, is true. It is real. You are being led into it by the progress of life itself. —Alana Fairchild

Later that day, I went to the Lake to sit by the water and come into relationship with its energy, which is very powerful and transformational. I decided to sit on a stone wall and because it was uneven, lay my turquoise and cream-colored (so me), Turkish towel on the wall. 

The next morning as I was getting ready to go to the Lake for a morning ritual with the retreat group, I realized I had left my towel on the wall. So, at 6:45am I made my way to the wall hoping it was still there. It wasn’t, but in its place was a clear, pale blue marble with a green, blue and white line through it. I started to laugh as it was exactly what I had seen in the guided meditation! A magic marble in exchange for my “so me” towel. More trickster energy. The universe certainly has a sense of humor. Perhaps it was saying in that moment, “What part of ‘you’ do you need to let go of to allow yourself to receive the magic?”

During the morning ritual, we were given flowers to offer to the Lake. I held one in the palm of my hand and closed my eyes to meditate. When I opened them, there on my thumb was a tiny, red dragonfly, a symbol of transformation and magic, which has been guiding me for 2 years now. It first revealed itself to me on a sacred mushroom journey in Huautla de Jimenez, MX and continued to show up in “real life” on my nomadic travels. This particular “real one” rested so long on my hand that a soul sister was able to capture a gorgeous picture. The dragonfly for me also symbolized flying around sharing my work on my travels and landing every so often in magical and sacred sanctuaries to restore my energy. More on that later….

I wove the story about the magic marble into the cacao ceremony I led later that day, which was entitled the Alchemy of Grief and Grace, sharing how we need to grieve our losses to open to grace. The lost towel and marble became symbols of loss and possibility. Many of us were grieving the passing of Keith Wilson, the founder of Keith’s Cacao and our teacher. We remembered him with love; cried and laughed and grieved; and felt his loving spirit with us because we allowed ourselves to feel it all. We realized that many of us, as Cacao Practitioners, were being asked to step into new possibilities of carrying Keith’s vision and mission forward. One of his sayings was “Bring on your magic!” 

I took the magic marble everywhere with me that week and bought a leather medicine pouch just for it. When I held it, it felt like I held the world in the palm of my hand; the world was literally at my fingertips. And, as one retreat participant shared, the world is inside me. My inner world reflects my outer world. Another shared it was like a crystal ball, so I could see into the future. So many powerful messages in such a tiny magical ball. 

At another beautiful cacao ceremony in a private garden where Keith is interred, there was an altar honoring him with flowers and a photo. As I sat in front of the altar, I realized his clear blue eyes, which always saw the magic, reminded me of my blue marble. Perhaps Keith in his own magical ways was asking me to look at the world with the eyes of magic and possibility, and allow myself to trust again. 

Life operates according to a genius that is beyond a linear approach. It is to be trusted rather than understood….You do not have to also create or control the terrain, nor determine the map for the journey. You simply need to take each step that presents itself to you in each moment.” —Alana Fairchild

In the past, with the guidance and support of cacao, I had come to see the world as magical and the messages, guidance and lessons were so clear; and yet in the last year, as I was struggling with health issues and not able to find true sanctuary, that vision and way of perceiving diminished. I had lost my way and the ability to see the magic. Perhaps it was time to see that way again, to open my eyes and follow my “heart light.”

I am still remembering how to see and trust that way again; it really is like looking at the world with the eyes of a child, filtered and enhanced by the wisdom of life experience. Wise and yet innocent at the same time. I am returning to trusting completely in the path laid out by life and the universe. I am coming back to the “stillness of love”, trusting my “heart light” is showing me the way and taking the step presented in each moment. 

As I embrace the message of dragonfly medicine, I find myself about to fly off again. I need to leave my sacred sanctuary in Northern California for the summer and have been invited by my soul family in Southern California to come there. So, I am accepting the invitation and following my heart light. I trust that it knows….

As you sit with what I have shared, you may want to reflect on these questions: How are you perceiving your world? What’s lighting your path? What’s the next step your heart light wants you to take? 

May we open to the magic that is always there for us!

©Soulscape Coaching LLC

Enhanced Cacao Journals: Bad Trip or Hard Journey?

~ Nicole Gnutzman

Every once in a while someone asks about “bad trips” or shares they have experienced one in the past–always without a guide and usually in a discordant environment–and is a bit fearful of a deep journey. I always share that I personally don’t believe in bad trips, only in bad preparation and intention.

The first rule for a safe journey (I prefer that word over trip, which has a certain connotation) is that set and setting and the sacred matter. Second, sitting with an experienced guide matters. Third, having an inward, closed-eye journey with curated music, matters. Fourth, the medicine you take matters. Fifth, having an intention matters. And lastly, knowing (and using) the empowering techniques that can support you when it gets hard matters.

Journeys are not meant to be easy. Sorry, if you’re looking for a quick fix. When held as a sacred, inward journey, they illuminate, clarify, release, resolve and heal. When a client has done the work to prepare, is open and curious, and comes with a pure intention, the journey can be joyful, healing and profound. Deep journeys allow for cathartic release, radical clarity and deep healing, all of which are necessary and can be a bit messy. When held as sacred and safe, with an experienced guide, the journey may be hard, but it will never be bad.

Let’s go a bit deeper on each requirement for a positive, healing journey and outcomes.

Set and Setting

Michael Pollan in his book, How to Change Your Mind, echoes and emphasizes the importance of set and setting, which other researchers and writers before and since have called out as critical to a positive healing outcome. Set means mindset. How you go into the journey with your mind matters. Are you curious and open or skeptical and closed? You must be able to suspend your disbelief and see the experience with eyes of wonder, not cynicism. Have you done research to inform yourself and ease your mind with creating unrealistic expectations? Remember you will receive what you need not what you want to what someone else has experienced. Has your guide provided an orientation session to answer questions and share how they hold the space, so your mind can rest? The mind is powerful and wants to control the experience and get its own way, but it will only get in the way. Prepare yourself, so it won’t. And if it still does, then there’s more work to do….

Setting is about comfort, feeling safe physically and being held in the sacred. Is the setting warm, inviting and comfortable? Do you feel safe there? Is it private? Are you away from distractions and interruptions? Do you have everything you need: extra blankets, water, eye mask, comfort items? Your journey space should feel like a retreat from the world. Sacred space feels different; it’s as if you have crossed a threshold and entered another world where the energy feels clear and clean and safe. You feel held in the sacred. To support that feeling, your guide may create an altar designating and honoring sacred space and clear the space energetically. Set, setting and the sacred matter.

A Guided Journey

Going on a journey alone, even if you have sat with a guide before, is not recommended unless you are very experienced or are a guide yourself. A deep journey is not an out-in-nature or at-a-concert or with-friends-at-a-party experience; it is an inward-looking experience, which may be and feel unfamiliar and uncomfortable. It is a new, unknown, inner terrain to be explored, not feared.

Ultimately, a guide is not just there to make you feel comfortable; they are there to hold the space, so you can go deep safely. If they have embodied wisdom, deep listening skills and compassion (you will feel it), trust that your guide knows this world well. This deep embodied presence only comes from deep self-healing, direct experience and supporting clients through their own.

I hold space so safely that I have even had former clients share that they called me in virtually and energetically to be “with” them on a journey where I was not present, and in which they felt fearful. One is a psychotherapist and was on a solo journey without a guide and thought he was “dying” (thankfully only metaphorically); and the other was in a large group experience, but had been given such powerful medicine, he lost all sense of himself. My “presence” was able to support both of them during their hard journey. A guide with whom you feel safe matters.

Inward Journey

Clinical studies have proven that positive and sustained healing and therapeutic outcomes are directly related to two conditions for the journey: 1) a closed eye experience, and 2) curated music with a journey arc.

A deep, inward journey with eyes closed allows for interoception–where you have access to and awareness of your inner state of being. Studies reveal that interoception may be deeply connected to consciousness. It’s the ultimate mind-body reconnection. A psychedelic journey may even be able to resolve interoceptive imbalances such as anxiety. An eyes open experience–exteroception–does not allow for this awareness as it is a different form of perception acting on different brain receptors. Closing your eyes matters deeply.

Music on your journey is also critical to the experience and not just any music. An inward journey has an arc–a descent as obstacles are faced and emotions are felt and released, and then an emergence from the depths with new wisdom and insight–and the music follows this arc deliberately. It echoes the mythological hero’s journey as described by Joseph Campbell. The music that is most supportive is sacred–indigenous songs and native instruments, chanting and mantra, not heavy metal or electronica.

Most clients love my music playlists and every once in a while one doesn’t like a particular song. I share that they aren’t meant to “like” the songs; the music has a purpose beyond their own preferences and there may a deeper message in them not liking it. If they are focused on the music or taken out of their journey because of it, then their awareness isn’t on their inward journey and they may be avoiding going deeper. I gently suggest they bring their awareness back to the journey. An inward focus and music matter.

The Medicine

Not every sacred medicine is the same. With psilocybin, like other earth and plant medicines, there are strains or varieties. Some strains are great for a purely psychedelic experience and good for recreational, eyes open experiences; others are good for micro-dosing; and some are more embodied, which is perfect to support emotional release, energy clearing and healing outcomes. Some strains are super powerful and can support breakthrough experiences, which should only be shared with more experienced clients, who are familiar with inner work and integration. The strain matters. Dosage matters. The consciousness of the growers matters. The wrong medicine in the wrong context and with the wrong dosage is how “bad” trips came to be labeled as such. The medicine matters.

Intention Setting

Entering a journey experience without an intention is like saying “bring everything you have,” which can simply be overwhelming or tells the medicine you aren’t serious about healing and holding the experience as sacred. The medicine is wise and knows your underlying intention. If all you are looking for is an experience, then perhaps a healing journey is not for you.

If you are serious and true, it’s best to have a focused intention that asks to release whatever is in the way of healing and to receive what you want to live into. This focus acts as a map or a guidepost and allows you to more fully receive, understand and integrate the message. Now, as I’ve shared before, the medicine brings you what you most need, not necessarily what you want, which can be two very different things. While it’s important to have an intention as it provides direction and focus, it’s equally as important to let go of the expectation of how it shows up or of the outcomes. Letting go of expectation helps in avoiding disappointment. Intention truly matters.

Empowerment Techniques

In a previous post, I shared that plant medicine has a consciousness and is trying to find a way to communicate with you. A journey does not have to be a passive experience where you only receive; it can be an active conversation that empowers you in your own healing.

If the messages are coming in too fast, then ask the medicine to slow down. If the messages are coming in a form you cannot understand or are too dark, then say, “I want to receive the message, can you bring it in another form?” It’s almost like changing a TV channel; it’s pretty amazing how responsive the medicine is. And you can always open your eyes to pause the inward journey (like a commercial break). The world will look pretty normal once you open your eyes. But remember, the healing outcomes come from looking inside. Empowered communication matters.

A healing journey requires being courageous and brave; open and willing; curious, engaged and empowered. Your journey may be deep, even a bit dark, and most certainly hard, but it never has to be a bad trip if you hold it and perceive it as safe and sacred. If you truly want to change or open your mind, or at least your perception, that starts even before the journey begins….

©Soulscape Coaching LLC

Enhanced Cacao Journals: Ego Dissolution

~ Nicole Gnutzman

“Could it be that the rational mind destroys the soul?” –from the film, The Next Three Days

I recently watched the film, The Next Three Days with Russell Crowe and in it, he shares the above quote in his college class discussion about the book, Don Quixote. He speaks to the “triumph of irrationality” over trying to be in control.

Many come to a healing session to get unstuck. They realize how much they are “in their heads” and not in their bodies. By allowing their rational mind to take over, they have become disconnected from their body, from their feelings, from their heart and soul. Without conscious permission, they have given their mind almost absolute control. And we know what absolute power can do….

While that may seem a little dramatic, it’s a hard truth. One that I know only too well. Once the mind is in control, it does not want to let go. It colors everything pretty much black and white or shades of grey. Stark or dull. The mind understands the rational and analytical. Duality, polarity and compartmentalizing become the default perspective and a limiting system of belief.

Caught in our minds and stuck in the ingrained grooves of our neural pathways, we repeat the same patterns and behaviors over and over again. Nothing changes until we become aware that we are stuck and why, and then choose to come back into wholeness. I read somewhere that 80% of change is awareness; the last 20% is hard work.

Some, who also are caught in their heads, but aren’t aware they are actually stuck, have as their intention to experience “ego dissolution,” often after having read Michael Pollan’s book or watched his docuseries. Ego dissolution is associated with experiencing being part of something larger than ourselves or feeling a sense of oneness, which is also known as the transcendental. They believe this is what they are missing; and once they have experienced it, they will have more meaning in their lives and see life in a new way.

They also tend to be quite attached to their rational minds and it may not really be their intention to change, even though Pollan’s book is called, How to Change your Mind, lol! They see their potential experience of the transcendental as somehow purely additive.

However, with mind-body separated and not integrated, they are fragmented. And if they are fragmented in their very being, the experience of the transcendental or oneness is a concept outside of themselves. Objectively viewable, but not personally attainable.

Psychedelics can provide a glimpse of the transcendental; however, it remains elusive and external to one’s sense of self unless and until that experience is fully embodied. So, how do you make it personal and embody it? Well, you need an embodied experience.

Unlike some psychedelics, which are known to fairly reliably provide a glimpse of the transcendental, plant medicine, including certain strains of psilocybin, provide a more embodied experience of it.

Plant medicines, which have a consciousness, are also tricksters and teachers, and may choose to provide a purely transcendental experience or they may bring you a full-bodied experience of ego dissolution, also known as “ego death” in the plant medicine realm. On that journey, the medicine may show you that you have some healing and releasing to do to come back into your body. Resisting this re-embodiment can be uncomfortable, so it’s best to allow it and move through the discomfort.

The experience of ego dissolution/death can take many forms: your entire body may become one with the universe/cosmos; dissolve into light and return to the stars or become mulch for the earth; or be dismembered or swallowed by a snake or another animal; or some other permutation of disintegration, which can be terrifying because it is asking you to totally let go of control. And our mind/ego does not like that…. Ego dissolution is not all love and light and transcendence.

Master plants are teachers and healers. Learning a lesson from them is neither linear nor easy. The master teacher wants you to have an actual embodied sense of ego dissolution/death instead of an out-of-body experience of it. Ego death asks for full surrender. You are taken apart–disintegrated, dissolved, disembodied–and put back together–reintegrated, resolved, re-embodied–in a new way.

It may sound scary, but it’s actually tremendously liberating. When you have died metaphorically enough times, not much scares or controls you anymore. Your mind is no longer in control as you become more fully embodied and connected to the Universe, Source, the Divine, Oneness; and ultimately to your own divinity. To face death (even if it’s just your ego) is to feel truly alive.

©Soulscape Coaching LLC

The Cacao Journals Plus: Umleitung?

~ Nicole Gnutzman

Years ago, an ex-boyfriend and I took my mother on holiday to Germany, where she was born and lived until she was 25. One day, on the trip, we were driving our tiny little rental car and saw a sign that said, Umleitung. Neither of us understood what it meant, so we asked my mother and she repeated the word, “Umleitung.” I asked her again what it was in English and she responded, “Umleitung.” By now, we were thoroughly confused and getting worried. I quickly realized she thought she was saying it in English, lol, and all three of us cried out at the same time, “Detour!” and made a sharp turn at the last sign. Good thing we figured out the translation and followed the sign!

I tell my clients when they share that their intention is to have more of something in their lives, how beautiful that intention is and that with sacred medicine, it may take you on a detour first because you can’t get from where you are to where you want to be on a direct route. If you could, you would be there already, right? Makes sense, but it doesn’t mean the road is without bumps.

Recognizing we are being taken on a detour, accepting it and trusting we will get to our destination is a key part of the journey. On the detour there are feelings to be felt, patterns and beliefs to be seen for what they are and stuck energies to be released. To reach a beautiful destination, sometimes we have to spend time in a remote and desolate place. Even in the desert there’s an oasis we can’t yet see; and we have walk in the unrelenting sun to get there….

Whatever state of being you are needing or wanting to release, the medicine may bring you face to face with it. It’s like looking into an inner mirror. The medicine knows you are ready to face it or it wouldn’t present it to you or take you there. It asks you to look at it directly, see it and work with and through it. Doing anything other than that is what we call “by-passing.” If you refuse to relinquish control of the journey and decide to create your own inner detour, you will get stuck in a roundabout, going around in endless circles with no exit.

When clients come to a session feeling depressed or anxious, the medicine may push them farther into that feeling during or even afterwards to confront it, work through it by trusting the medicine and integrate the feelings and learnings. None of this is easy work, but when it’s done, it’s profoundly healing.

Clients, after healing sessions, most often feel tender, tired and a bit raw because they have released stuck energies, felt and integrated deep feelings, and begun to smooth the grooves of old patterns, habits and beliefs. Many feel much better the day after and by the third day are in the “afterglow” of clarity, open awareness and lightness of being. They feel and experience the healing outcomes fairly quickly and directly.

However, some may feel stuck in a transitional, liminal space because the medicine is still working with them; they feel ungrounded and low, and worry that their depression and anxiety have not been (and will not be) alleviated. I always say to them, “be patient and trust the medicine;” it knows what it’s doing.

Everyone is on their own personal journey and their own integration path and timing. Trust that the liminal phase will pass. Notice everything over the first days and in the coming weeks. Keep your state of awareness open by noticing how you are different and what’s showing up or not in your life, and learning to pause and know you are always at choice. These intentional, conscious practices are vital to your healing outcomes and will be conscious until they become unconscious and are the new healthy habit.

You may need additional integration support with a coach or therapist, micro-dosing and/or working with cacao as a daily practice, during your transition, so you can begin to integrate and embody the state of being you are seeking. 

So, on your journey, remember to notice the signs, follow the guided detour and trust it will take you to your destination safely. While it may not be the scenic route or the easiest, it is the healing one.

©Soulscape Coaching LLC

The Cacao Journals: Integration & Innerstanding

~ Nicole Gnutzman

I am on fire about this topic and there aren’t too many things I get fired up about, so if I am more direct than usual, that’s why…. This fire deep in my belly arose after a potential client asked, “When does it not work?” I clarified by asking, “Do you mean the journey experience itself or after?” “After,” he said. Without hesitation, I shared, “When clients don’t do their integration work.”

A journey on its own can be a breakthrough experience; however, it only becomes truly transformative when it’s been integrated and informs a client’s behavior and actions. When a client interprets what they received and allows it to inform their choices with conscious intention, then it goes beyond just an experience. A friend in this space has called this “innerstanding”, which aptly captures how integration is about inhabiting the space within and living into it.

As Dr. John Churchill said in his recent podcast with Aubrey Marcus, post journey, we want to move from “state to trait development” and evolve our ego development, which requires integration. Otherwise, it’s just an experience like going to the amusement park; it may be entertaining, thrilling or even frightening, but it doesn’t change your life. If you want an illuminating and transformative experience, you need to innerstand and integrate what you received.

Not surprisingly, most clients do not know how to do this on their own. A few may because they have done some deep inner work already; others, with integration support, can find their way; and the rest, who choose not to receive or ask for support, are left wandering in the space of un-integration–where they go back to exactly the way they were–or even disintegration–where they can’t go back because they have let go of old patterns (come undone) and do not know how to consciously create the new patterns they want to live into on their own.

So, not only is a journey guide necessary to the actual experience, integration coaching as part of the overall process is vital. This is why my sessions include an integration call after always. Now, not every client chooses to have the call, which is where things can get tricky for them.

Integration involves not just capturing the experience in some way through voice memos, journaling, drawing and reflection; it is a deep exploratory and discovery process that requires decoding, translation and analysis to fully receive, understand and live into what has been “communicated.”

The reason it requires this level of under/innerstanding is that while the language of the experience can be almost glaringly truthful, it is not always so literal and direct. Sometimes, tricksterism may even be involved, where the message may be deeper than first thought or even inverted. Our plant allies can be jokesters and have a robust sense of humor!

Just like in a dream, your experience may involve symbolism and imagery, metaphor and archetypes, shadow aspects, and even word play. Nothing may be exactly as it seems and requires translation. Most clients don’t know what they don’t know.

The pitfalls of not going deeper and not fully understanding the message can show up in a myriad of ways: 1) nothing changes even though that’s what the client desired in their intention, 2) stuff shows up (usually as triggers) that the client does not know what to do with and falls back into old reactive behaviors, 3) the ego (or spiritual ego) gets inflated and behavior driven by that inflation creates disturbances in their life, seemingly out of their control. Without conscious practices, integration coaching and tools, life can get old and messy pretty quickly.

My co-facilitators and I are realizing more and more the vital importance and impact of pre and post inner work on healing/therapeutic outcomes. More soon on the supportive pathways and practices we’re going to be sharing.

©Soulscape Coaching LLC

The Cacao Journals Plus: One & Done?

~ Nicole Gnutzman

Integration is a practice. –Dr. Robin Carhart-Harris

Why are we always in such a rush, even when it comes to personal development, inner work and healing? And why do we require it to look a certain way or have a specific outcome? Fast and certain invite unrealistic expectations and disappointment and leave no room for new possibilities. 

As psychedelics become the latest trend, there’s a growing perception out there, especially for those new to inner work, that a session with plant medicine is a “one and done” kind of experience. All issues and triggers will magically disappear after one session. And this from people who are usually skeptical of magic!

Yet another instance of our insatiable desire for quick fixes or “hacks” and consumerism mentality. Forcing and chasing and hacking are counter to the conscious practices and awareness that support us to live into and sustain the change we want.

Without practices focused on reflecting on the insights received, conscious awareness of what is now showing up (or not) in life; inhabiting and expanding the space within (see my previous blog post); and being more aware of triggers and having more “space” to choose to respond differently, all of which support sustaining the change; nothing sticks, not even a hack. 

This statement by Dr. Rosalind Watts, Clinical Lead for Imperial College London’s psilocybin trial at a TedX symposium, that “one, six hour session with psilocybin is equal to six YEARS of psychotherapy” is compelling, true (for some) and can be misleading if taken out of context. Integration practices post session are critical to sustaining the therapeutic healing outcomes from the session. 

Dr. Robin Carhart-Harris, Head of the Centre for Psychedelic Research, Division of Brain Sciences, Faculty of Medicine, Imperial College London, shared in a recent Huberman Lab podcast that to maximize neuroplasticity (rewiring the brain) requires “re-integration,” practices such as journaling, focusing on insights and working with a therapist and/or integration coach. This re-integration is what we in the spiritual world call doing “the work.” There’s just no getting around it to deepen and sustain outcomes.

In addition to integration practices, Dr. Carhart-Harris shares that clinical research has found that two or three repeated sessions within a certain proximity (a few weeks in clinical studies and/or in my experience, even a few months of each other) are “compelling” in achieving the most positive therapeutic outcomes. I have witnessed these repeated sessions as smoothing the ruts of old neural pathways, so new ones can be created.

I love Michael Pollan. He introduced his readers to this possibility and almost singlehandedly took psychedelics mainstream with his book, How to Change Your Mind: What the New Science of Psychedelics Teaches Us about Consciousness, Dying, Addiction, Depression and Transcendence and his Netflix Series of the same name. With that came the people who want to change their minds, behaviors and lives with plant medicines and those who just want to have (“consume”) the experience. 

Even the consumers of experiences can come with a healing intention, but when it’s not magically met in one session, their disappointment is hard to bear witness to. They come face to face with their need to be in control. Wise and sneaky medicine!

In the plant medicine world, the spirit of the plant or earth medicine decides what “medicine” to bring. To fully receive the medicine and healing requires letting go, including how the message shows up and the outcome, and allowing it to do its work. Holding on to what the experience needs to look or feel like is a form of control. I invite you to sit with that for a long, perhaps uncomfortable, moment. 

That is the lesson, the message and the medicine. It may well take a few sessions along with integration practices and inner work to achieve the desired healing outcome, especially if control and resistance are in the way. 

The client looking for a quick fix, of course, rarely can receive that message because they’re focused on what they did not receive. It’s a hard but invaluable lesson to learn and life changing when realized and accepted. 

The ones, who are looking for the quick fix or hack, when faced with their expectation not being met, may blame self, setting, the medicine and/or the guide: 1) self (why didn’t I get what I wanted? there must be something wrong with me); 2) the medicine (there must have been something wrong with it, even though every one else had a profound healing experience); 3) the setting (the music was unsettling or distracting even though it was designed with purpose and intention); 4) or the guide (he/she is ultimately responsible for everything not working the way I wanted!). 

We are so good (masterful even) at not letting go of control, allowing and trusting. That way has been modeled for and taught to us. We then learned to use it to protect ourselves from being hurt or disappointed. And it is precisely what is in our way, blocking us from what we truly want from experiences and in life itself. 

“Let go and let god” is not how most of us live. When we do get there after surrendering (the “scary” word for letting go), we come to the profound and liberating realization that life doesn’t have to be so hard and exhausting and full of anxiety-producing moments. Our need for control comes from not being open to the unknown, unfamiliar and uncertain; and trusting ourselves to respond in the moment.

When we’re not forcing life experiences to be what we think they should be, we actually open to new possibilities, deeper healing and the ease of grace. And you can’t force or rush or hack that.

The Cacao Journals: Inhabiting the Space Within

~ Nicole Gnutzman

When you go on an inward journey with ceremonial cacao or psychotropic plant medicines, you may enter a state of being you’ve never or rarely experienced before. You may actually feel inhabited by unconditional love or bliss or expansiveness as it takes over your entire being. And you may find that you want to stay in that moment because it feels so amazing.

This exalted state of being is usually reached after whatever needs to be seen and felt, and released and even transmuted, makes more space within to fully receive that state of being. An emptying of the “old” before filling with the “new”.

Although there are certainly times, when the medicine seduces you, gets right to it and gives you the state of being you are seeking as an amuse bouche. Hey love, it says, here’s something really yummy, our “chef” made just for you….

I’ve seen clients get seduced by the medicine in this way and what happens next is ego inflation/grandiosity, expectation building and attachment to the journey experience if the client does not balance the experience with gratitude and humility for what has been received and continues to work with the medicine. The medicine’s intention is to bring you into greater and deeper understanding of your true self and your connection to source/spirit/universe.

Clients, who don’t do the integration work, either go on with their lives as is, wondering weeks or months later why nothing has changed and they are even more stuck; or think they need to come back to a journey again (and again) to re-experience the state of being as if it is eluding their grasp (it is).

In most cases, on their next journey, they are given an entirely different experience, which is often the flip dark side of the exalted state, and is a sign that the medicine is playing with them and their expectations. Amuse bouche, haha, now here’s something dark and stinky for you to digest. There is no light without the darkness and vice versa.

The medicine is wise beyond measure. Your mind or ego are no match for it. It will get you every time; that’s part of the message and lesson. Just when you think you’ve got it, it has you….

In either case, given freely or with deep release, the intention of the gift–the inhabited feeling–is that it be integrated and embodied in life, outside of the journey experience. So, how do you do that? With conscious intention.

You can call the feeling back into your awareness by imagining it (the mind is a powerful thing) or in silent meditation where you fill the space of stillness within you with the feeling, allowing you to re-experience and re-inhabit it.

For those of you who are “mind” people, use your powerful imagination! Envision it to feel it, just like a professional athlete imagines their successful race, so it’s imprinted in their body’s response.

Doing this consciously creates an inner knowing and trust that the state of being from your journey experience was real and is not elusive. Little by little as you revisit the space within, it stays, dislodging the old state of being and its associated patterns, beliefs and stuck energy.

As you inhabit this state of being consciously, it will become your new, healthy unconscious pattern. When you slip out of it, which does happen in this crazy human experience, you will know how to get back to it quickly. Now, this does not mean you will feel peace, bliss or joy all the time, but they become the foundation, the ground of your being, as you feel everything without succumbing to numbing or suppressing the energy. Allow the feelings to come and go as your inner state of being remains steady and steadfast.

That inner state of being will begin to reflect your outer and will also support you in navigating chaos or dissonance with more ease and grace and flow. Allow the amuse bouche to fill and nourish your inner space.

©Soulscape Coaching LLC

The Cacao Journals: Exploring “Too Muchness”

~ Nicole Gnutzman ~ 2 Comments

Hola! I am writing this from Todos Santos, Baja California Sur, Mexico. A magical place of supportive, nourishing energy mixed with the raw power of Mama Ocean and miles of gorgeous, white sandy beaches; vast desert with cacti and arroyos (natural gullies for rain overflow); underground aquifers and palm tree groves; and majestic mountains with the softest morning light. A beautiful balance and integration of feminine and masculine energies and power. One that is inspiring and unleashing my creativity. Hence the forthcoming blog posts after a very long hiatus!

Recently, my female clients have brought two themes into my awareness: one is the concept of “too muchness” and the other is feminine embodiment. Both are hot and sometimes confronting topics…so I thought I would write about them in two separate posts.

Let’s begin with “too muchness.” Women (never men it seems), who have expressive personalities and energy, are often given the “too much” label. More often than not, the person triggered by the so-called “too muchness” energy, has work to do around their own energy, boundaries and ability to express themselves. The question for them is this: “Why am I being triggered by someone who is in their full expression?”

Perhaps what they are seeing is a mirror either of their own inner sense of “too littleness” or even their own “too muchness.” Ironically, “too much” people don’t always appreciate other “too muchness.” The larger questions when we are triggered are, “How am I in relationship with/to: 1) my own energy, 2) How do I express my energy? and 3) How is it received in the world?”

Sitting with these questions and observing your reactions may support you in feeling less triggered by others’ energy, raise your awareness and allow you to choose to respond differently.

Now, let’s look at it from another perspective…. This one may feel more confronting for those who believe that there is no such thing as “too muchness” and that we are to live into our full expression always and everyone else just needs to get over it!

A recent female client, who shared she was often accused of “too muchness” said that she didn’t want to dim her “light.”

We all want to show up in our light–as the essence of who we truly are–and to be seen, received and accepted unconditionally. It is not about dimming our light, but shining our true, pure one.

This brought up for me the questions of “What kind of light are you shining?” “Where is it coming from?” “And how is it being received?” Self awareness of where our light is coming from and how we are showing up in the world can be clarifying and illuminating.

Here are few possible scenarios of how our light can show up when it’s felt and received as “too muchness”:

*If the light is a spotlight on the other person, which shows up as insatiable curiosity, questioning and a need to know, that can be intense and energetically draining for the other person.

*If the light is a flashlight or headlamp shining inward on another person, which shows up as deep questioning of their inner world, that can be too intimate and energetically draining for them.

*If the light is super bright and blinding, which shows up as full on expression, but with little to no perception of or interest in the other person, that can be seen as self-absorbing, disconnecting and energetically draining.

The key word in all of this is “draining.” Pure light illuminates and energizes; it does not deplete energy.

The purest intention in shining and sharing your light is not only about being seen and accepted for who you truly are; but also about allowing others to feel that you truly see them, which brightens and strengthens their light.

Feel into that for a moment. Your light can illuminate theirs. And their light will strengthen yours. It’s a beautiful interchange of energy and light, and ultimately love.

The light that comes from pure, unconditional love illuminates another’s.

When you perceive that your light may be draining or depleting others, the questions to ask yourself are, “Where is my light coming from? And more deeply, “What is my true, underlying intention and motivation for shining my light?”

If it is coming from one of these places of deep unconscious need, it will inevitably dim other’s light and deplete their energy:

*need for validation: seeking love and acceptance

*attention seeking: seeking to be seen and heard

*conditionality: shining your light only when you receive what you want/need from another person and turning it off when you don’t; your light is conditional.

Now, all of this can be confronting or illuminating, depending on your willingness and capacity to sit and reflect on how you share and express your light and how it is received.

Do you make others shine? Be the light of luminous love and you will.

©Soulscape Coaching LLC.

The Cacao Journals: You Can’t Get There from Here….

~ Nicole Gnutzman ~ 2 Comments

You know the old saying, “You can’t get there from here?” Well, when it comes to joy, it’s absolutely and uncomfortably true.

So many of my clients when we meet to talk about their intentions for their session, say “I want joy in my life again.” Their intention is so beautiful and attainable; however, I always share that they will likely have to go through discomfort (and denied feelings) to reach that joy.

Discomfort. It’s probably making you feel uncomfortable even just seeing or contemplating the word. 

We naturally seek comfort. And we can take this desire to an extreme by controlling everything and everyone we feel, touch or interact with, so we’re “comfortable.” You may not even realize you are trying to control because it may not look like what you think being in control is.

Being in control looks like managing or denying our feelings until we’re numb. Or avoiding challenging conversations and relations because it’s hard. Or not asking for what we need because that makes us or others uncomfortable. Or when we do ask, our needs control the situation, and we actually don’t end up with what we want.

Trying to control life and people by avoiding discomfort does not allow energy to flow naturally—theirs, yours or life’s. No wonder you feel stuck. And life feels joyless and stagnant. 

Life and joy are not predictable and controllable, no matter how much we try. Life brings curve balls and takes us down unintended paths. Joy is spontaneous and silly and full of wonder. It erupts from our bellies in laughter and snorts out our noses. Joy just emerges and is. A life that is joyful does too. 

When you first started to shut down your feelings—sadness, anger, disappointment—or gave discomfort a wide berth, you began the long road of denying yourself joy. Defending yourself from feeling and getting hurt, created a road block to joy. Your detour toward destination control took you miles away from joy.

My clients want joy in their lives again so much, they begin our sessions hopeful. 10, 20 or 30 or 40 years of being stuck and joyless doesn’t resolve itself all at once. More often than not, the ones who are really stuck and have tried to control every aspect of their lives, cannot let go of control all at once. They “think” they are open, but they aren’t at a deeper level. Believe me, I was once there myself.

When they can’t drop in or let go, they begin to blame themselves, me, the “medicine” or all of the above. They often say, “I’m trying to let go” as if it is something they can control. Clenching and forcing, which may have worked before as control strategies, are not the way letting go works….

They become so uncomfortable with their inability to let go, they come face to face with their unconscious resistance. It can be challenging to witness and it’s almost unbearable for them.

Their defense mechanisms won’t allow them to drop into the experience because that means letting go of control. Their ego is afraid of the free fall, believing there is nothing there to catch them. 

I recently had an experience in a sacred medicine ceremony in Mexico where I dropped in super quickly and my entire being began dissolving, which is a familiar form of ego death or dissolution, a way for defense mechanisms to fall away. I’ve experienced this so many times, I no longer have any fear as I know my essential self is what remains. It is there to “catch” and hold me. And yet, this time, I still found myself resisting at some level. 

I knew what was going on, so I just gave myself over (surrendered) to it without resisting whatever needed to be felt or experienced. Huge sighs emerged spontaneously out of me until my resistance fell away. I felt so tender and such tenderness, the perfect antidote to the burden and soul weariness I had been carrying into the experience. I came out of the experience open, gentle, more tender, relieved of my burden and yet strong. I felt a renewed sense of joy, wonder and love of life. I had been resisting my own need for tenderness and received such blessings from letting go.

With my clients, I find ways to make their essential self felt seen, held and safe while gently prying each finger away from holding on to control. The initial release often starts with tears or feeling so uncomfortable, there’s nothing for them to do, but surrender to relieve the discomfort. Most get there fully and a few partially, enough to experience some relief and realize the greater message about letting go. 

Taking in the message and then bringing that understanding into life by choosing and responding differently (breaking the stuck pattern) are key to regaining joy and living from the essential self. I remind myself and am grateful every day of what I received during my experiences, so it sticks and my old pattern does not.

The journey back to joy is one that asks you (and not always gently) to allow yourself to feel everything and move through the discomfort. It’s a journey so worth taking. 

©Soulscape Coaching LLC

The Cacao Journals: Personal Truth

~ nicole

“The personal life deeply lived always expands into truths beyond itself.” —Anais Nin

In my work, I witness people, who, in shedding identities, negative self-talk, beliefs and expectations, come to the place where they reconnect to the essence of who they truly are. And from this place, they find they need to speak their personal truth. I honor and commend them. Having the courage to speak your truth is a very very good thing.

And I see and hear these same people “not giving a sh*t about what other people think or feel.” To let go of the need for approval or being liked for what you say or look like or feel is another level of bravery.

And…. We all want to seen and heard. The double edge of personal truth is that when we share our personal truth and don’t give a sh*t how it lands, there’s a good chance people won’t actually see or hear us. Why is that?

When you find your truth, you are like a toddler learning to walk for the first time. You’re going to wobble and stumble and fall on your bum a lot. What comes out of your mouth as your ‘truth’ may come out all awkward or unintelligible, and is not really what you want to say. Being aware and ok with that helps you keep on sharing. And reflecting on your truth helps too….

Your personal truth is coming from a place inside of you that hasn’t spoken in a long long while. It may even be coming from an outraged place inside you. One that’s angry and jaded and judgy because not only hasn’t it spoken for a while, it wasn’t listened to when it actually did.

That angry place inside doesn’t care that other people, including those who disagree with its truth or historically haven’t seen it, have their own truth (often hidden by woundedness). Feel into that for a moment. We all have our own personal truth. Every single one of us.

When we speak our truth, we want to be seen. If we want to be seen; we have to see others. If we don’t want to be judged for ours; we cannot judge others. If we want to feel the compassion of others; we must feel compassion. Personal truth is a mirror. See and be seen.

Personal truth is a mirror. See and be seen.

Once we let go of judgment, our compassion grows. Both for ourselves and others. We find there truly is no separation. Differences in preference, in belief, in opinion, yes, but under it all, we each have a human soul that wants to be seen.

Take time and space to reflect on your personal truth. In there you will find values, what you care about, what brings you joy, personal boundaries, and even some wisdom. Share it with vulnerability, openness and your heart, and see how it is received. Share it with anger, defensiveness and from your angry hurt self, and see how that lands. You may just find the difference in response is stunning.

Keep sharing your truth and build your awareness. Say it so you are seen.

Personal truth is not yet wisdom, but it is on the path. Wisdom comes from deep reflection and embodied experience. Wisdom does not need to be seen. It is beyond that, being of service to something greater than itself. It is heard, perceived and received as Truth.

Stay on the path of truth and you may find Truth too. In there, lies even greater peace.

Copyright ©2020 Soulscape Coaching LLC.