compassion

The Darth Vader of self sabotage

~ Nicole Gnutzman
 i need to survive myself because my self sabotage is the only trap worth avoiding, and everything else i will chalk up to living life on life’s terms. – the poetry bandit
Move within. But don’t move the way fear makes you move. – Rumi

img_2748Self sabotage keeps coming up in my conversations lately. Three times in one week. And I always, always reflect deeply when something comes up that often in such succession. It’s as if Spirit or the Universe is tapping me on the shoulder and saying, “Hey, there’s something over here, take a closer look.”

Of course, when I look, I usually find more than I bargained for, such as the ways I do the very things, which I’m being asked to look at. Luckily, my curiosity surpassed my own fear in this instance.

You know when you find every reason in the world not to start something or finish something, fear is at work behind the scenes. While we may be aware that we’re afraid, we can’t quite figure out why. We want this thing we are trying to start or finish, right? So, then why don’t we just go for it? So, why do we sabotage ourselves? Because there’s something more sinister and unconscious behind the fear.

Not all fears are alike. The fear that engenders self sabotage is the fear of being humiliated, of being shamed or criticized or blamed. And the fear of humiliation is the progenitor, the source, the root cause of self sabotage. It’s the Darth Vader of self sabotage. It’s the Dark Side–heavy and dark and threatening, but not invincible.

The pattern this particular kind of fear creates is an adaptive one; it’s one where we turn the unpleasantness of a situation where we anticipate being humiliated into one in which we can cope, so we escape, we self soothe, before the incident ever happens, and voilà, we never start or finish what we really want.

The key here is that by anticipating what might happen (catastrophic thinking), instead of forging ahead bravely (knowing it’s just a projection of our minds) and being open to the possibility of failure (because that’s how we learn), we become attached to soothing ourselves before anything actually happens. We all have ways of self soothing (cookies work really well) or escaping (even laundry becomes a convenient escape) or distracting ourselves (by being too busy or getting lost in the details or perfecting our blog :)).

Here’s how this unconscious pattern emerges: a child takes a cookie without permission and as punishment is humiliated in front of her siblings by her parents in some way (I am not laying blame here, just offering an example). She runs away and hides. Then, much later, as an adult, whenever she is faced with, or even anticipates, humiliation, she withdraws and eats way too many sugary treats. However, she doesn’t make the connection between her feeling of humiliation and her need to escape or overeat. She unconsciously associates pleasure or self soothing with her fear, so anytime she gets triggered, she naturally follows her impulse to self soothe. That’s how self-sabotage holds us hostage.

img_3187When you understand the source of your fear and how you cope with it unconsciously, you can reframe it. When you become aware of the unconscious behavior, you can begin to anticipate it, see it coming, and choose something else before it takes hold that moves you toward your goal of getting what you truly want. Be compassionate and patient with yourself as it will take time to break this pattern; after all, you’ve been living with it for a long time. But each time you see it for what it is, and choose differently, you walk toward the light instead of the darkness. Be brave. The Force will be with you….

 

A big thank you to Mike Bundrant from the iNLP Center for his insightful blog posts on psychological attachment: http://inlpcenter.org/psychological-attachments/ and fear of failure: http://blogs.psychcentral.com/nlp/2015/11/psychological-trap-behind-fear-of-failure/.

And a special note of gratitude to the friends and clients, whose curiosity about self sabotage, inspired me to write this, and to Grace Kraaijvanger of the Hivery for inspiring us to face our fears and be brave.

Copyright ©2017 Soulscape Coaching LLC

 

 

Fiercely compassionate, warrior heart

~ Nicole Gnutzman
A warrior’s strength is measured by the size of her heart. She shows love, honor and respect. She will stand and fight in the face of adversity for the ones she loves. She will be their voice. She will be their shield. She leads by example. Always remembering who she is.~ Hiwoxuuniis – Two Elk

I’ve been avoiding writing my blog since the election. What could I possibly write about that wouldn’t seem trite or ignore and diminish the impact that the election had on all of us? How can I express my fierce compassion? When I mentioned my dilemma to a friend, she said wisely, “well, then that’s exactly what you should write about.”

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People everywhere, not just in the US, are taking the results of the US election very seriously. My friends in Canada, on the morning after the election, asked on Facebook, “What do I tell my children now that the bully won? The bully isn’t supposed to win.” Such touching words on behalf of our little ones, who have been taught that bullying isn’t okay, and that we have to speak up to protect ourselves.

My 14-year-old stepson and his friends decided to speak up and make their voices heard when they and their entire high school marched in protest in San Francisco after Trump’s win. Others needed time to grieve before deciding what to go do and make their voices heard. But don’t ever assume, like some Trump supporters have, that the children of this world won’t take action or are soft because they needed time to grieve. They know exactly what matters and what they stand for. They are an example to us all.

 

I am also heartened by the women and men (3.7M strong and growing) that I see on a private Facebook group of which I am proud to be a part. Every day, they share stories of how their children are voicing their support for equality, how they themselves have stood up for someone in need to ensure they are safe, how they are writing and calling their congress representatives, how they are donating to Planned Parenthood and the ACLU, and more. Every day, they share how the stories are giving them the strength to stand up for what they believe in and speak without fear. Every day, I am emboldened by these stories.

Some may say that it’s about time we woke up and spoke up, and they would be right. Others would say it’s not enough, but it’s a start and there is huge momentum behind this. And still others would try to dismiss it by saying, “just get over it.” Sorry, folks that’s an old story line. We don’t tell our children that anymore because it robs them of their voice.

We’re not going to be get over it; we’re not going to be silent; and we aren’t going to go away. This is a movement and it is going to build and strengthen. We compassionate folk are fierce. We chose love over hate and will keep on choosing it over and over again.

You see, we are for something now, not against. We are for the rights of minorities, immigrants, indigenous peoples, women, the LGBT community, disabled peoples, and veterans. We are sharing our compassion and love with impact. We are ensuring that our children can grow up in a world that respects their choices and their voices. We are fierce and compassionate.

And I choose those words–fierce and compassionate–carefully and deliberately. Do not underestimate those who walk with fierce compassion. We are motivated and moved into action by our compassion and by our “insight into mutual belonging” (Joanna Macy). We are warriors of the heart.

Copyright ©2016 Soulscape Coaching LLC