“I have found that among its other benefits, giving liberates the soul of the giver.” – Maya Angelou

I have always been a fairly giving person (well, my older sister might have issues with that; I did take her Teddy Bear when I was one year old after all…). But that was an anomaly. And I’m truly sorry, Michelle!

When I arrived at our retreat terribly weak after having had the stomach flu (see my earlier post, “Surrendering to what is”), all I had left to give was my heart. Nothing else remained of me. I found myself giving freely, fully and completely. A light within me shone brightly.

I’ve given from my heart before, but this was different…. This time, I realized that I had no expectations whatsoever of receiving anything in return. Now that may sound obvious or even trite, but it’s actually kind of deep.

I always thought I gave without expectation or condition. On the surface, absolutely. But on a deeper level, I realized that sometimes I gave because I wanted to be accepted, loved, and appreciated; other times I felt obligated or that it was the “right” thing to do; or I gave because someone else had expectations of me. Certainly not horrible reasons to do things, but not pure of heart. Not from that happy, shiny place deep within me.

In my weakened state, I was absolutely empty, in a good way. I had no ego left–no pretenses, no armor, no yearning. From this glorious state of emptiness, I didn’t expect anything; I didn’t need anything; I was free of any and all expectations of myself and of others. All I cared about was that those to whom I was giving felt loved and supported. It was fantastically liberating. And what was so delightful and beautiful was the abundance of unconditional love I received from our retreat tribe. I am so grateful to all of you.

This experience filled me with such joy that I was reminded of when I lie in a hammock and haven’t a care in the world. Just me and the hammock in an energetic exchange expecting nothing of the other, while being fully supported as our energy flows back and forth. I definitely want more of that (no expectations of course)!

The question for me is: “How do I come from that place all the time?” “How do I give without condition or expectation in every moment?” Just knowing that happy, shiny giving place exists is a big realization for me. And sometimes, just knowing something is possible makes it easier to access until it becomes the only place from which giving comes.

Now, I’m off to find me a hammock :)!

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