Beyond the dreaded “shoulds:” declaring a should-free zone

January 18, 2017 ~ Nicole Gnutzman

Shed your shoulds. { Make your yeses count.} – Regan Walsh

Expectation is the root of all heartache. – Shakespeare

Ah, the dreaded “shoulds.” We live by them and for them, but they don’t feed our soul.

Anytime you find yourself saying the word, “should,” like in “I should do that” or “I should really go there,” ask yourself “Really, why?” Is it some obligation or expectation that a family member or friend imposed on you? Well, guess what, that’s theirs, not yours. They re-gifted their “should” to you, because someone gave it to them. And we all know how much we love being re-gifted. The re-gifting can stop with you. You have the power.

When you do something you “should” do, is it you trying to please people, saying “yes” to them but not to yourself? That’s you making yourself miserable because whatever you are saying “yes’ to is not what you truly want. Deep down inside you resent it and eventually you may feel resentment for the people you are trying to please because they are making you do something you don’t want to do. I hate to break the news to you, but no one makes you do anything except you. And don’t expect others to appreciate all the “shoulds” you are doing for them. They expect you to do them, just like they do….

In society, we have all these unspoken rules of conduct, these ‘shoulds.’ Even though we pride ourselves in being a democracy, there are all these ways that we say you ‘should’ behave. But what if you’re living your life by the ‘shoulds’ and you’re not really living your life? – Chris Noth

So, the key is that you have to relearn how to say “yes” to the things you truly want to do because you love doing them not because someone else wants you to or because you want to gain someone else’s love or approval. I’m not going to say it’s easy because I’m a recovering “people pleaser” myself and I understand how hard it is to break the pattern, but it’s absolutely necessary to live into your soul gifts and path. Absolutely, undeniably and soulfully.

Only you know, and get to decide, whether you want something or not. The key word here is “want.” So, if Aunt Isabelle thinks you “should” go to so-and-so’s party, go only because you truly want to, not out of obligation. Go because you care about your cousin or your nieces and nephews or because there will be really good cake, don’t go because you “should.” When you say “yes’ to going because you truly want to, you will show up in an entirely different way. And, if you choose not to go because you can’t think of a really good reason to go, then you will have to live with the consequences, which may be a really lovely bubble bath with candles and a glass of wine (and don’t forget the rubber ducky).

Whatever flak you may get for not going are consequences too, but remember it’s their stuff; it’s their need to have you fit into the “shoulds” that rule their life, that they’ve been conditioned to accept. Have compassion for them (and yourself) because most people haven’t yet learned they are being held hostage by their “shoulds.” You, who see the “shoulds” now for what they are, are learning to honor your own needs while being respectful and compassionate to others’. Feel how freeing that is. Your soul is a “should-free” zone.

Then there are the “musts.” Different certainly than the “shoulds” and even the “wants.” If “wants” come from our soul, then “musts” come from an even deeper place, a place that cares for something beyond (and even greater than) the self. When my husband was asked at the last minute if he could fly to Guatemala on the red eye and help rescue a project he deeply cared about, he worried that I might object. What welled up from deep inside of me was this: “You must go. There’s no question.” Those words were the Truth from deep in my soul. My husband and I both remember it to this day and we use it as a litmus test for knowing when we “must” do something; a true “must” surpasses any should and even our own needs and wants.

When you allow yourself the small “yeses;” you just may find a big “yes” that’s actually a soulful “must.” And when you find it, you will have all the confidence and courage in the world to live into it. Declare your own should-free zone.

Finding the courage to come out of the woods….

January 12, 2017 ~ Nicole Gnutzman

Do not look for a sanctuary inside anyone except yourself. – Buddha

Remember…the entrance to the sanctuary is within you. – Rumi

I am a woodland elf, or at least that’s what my husband affectionately calls me. I must admit that I do look a bit elvish (someone also once called me Cindy Lou Who from Dr. Seuss’s How the Grinch Stole Christmas), but I digress…. And I do thrive in the woods; there’s just something about the energy of trees and sunshine.

And so, living into my elvish nature, I lived on “retreat” in the redwoods near Mendocino, CA for the past year guiding clients to find their soul’s path and gifts and deepening my own inner transformation. It was the perfect work–life balance and the most nourishing sanctuary I have ever experienced. I could have stayed there forever nibbling on nuts and berries or whatever elves eat.

p1020734 But Life or Spirit or the Universe had another idea in mind. Just when you think you have let go of everything you no longer need, you realize there’s always more, more to let go of and more to live into….. So, you ask, what had I become so attached to, that I didn’t want to let go of? My sanctuary in the woods.

Yup, I was getting a bit too comfortable there, all cozy by the wood fire, holding ceremony in my sacred space in the loft, and working remotely in my pajamas (actually, I wore real clothes, but I could have been in my PJ’s).

And then, the owner of our cabin (we rented), sold it! I was in shock; I was in denial all the way through escrow; I was simply devastated. And I discovered that I was not immune to the effect of change. The rugs that gets pulled out from under us take many forms; mine happened to be made of wood and glass and stone.

So, we found ourselves having to find another sanctuary, something we had done before, so we weren’t too worried. We’d always been pretty good at manifesting beautiful places to live. Only this time, nothing showed up. Or what showed up was so not right for us that we started to question ourselves. Were we not clear about what we wanted, were we sending Spirit mixed messages, or did She have something else in mind for us?

In a moment of deep sadness, I prayed to Spirit and asked why I was losing my home and sanctuary, and She gently told me, “Your sanctuary is within. You carry it everywhere you go. It is all you need.”

Perhaps it was time for me to come out of the woods…. Especially now. Staying in the woods when conscious awareness and activism are so needed at this time would have been my version of running away, an escape from hard reality, a retreat of a whole other kind.

So, here I am, writing this from our sailboat in Sausalito, our tiny home on the water for now, re-engaging with life, old friends and community; finding ways to be of service; and bringing my gifts to guide others to find theirs, so we may heal and be whole, strengthen our resiliency and resolve, and co-create the world we want to see.

We all have our own woods to which we retreat. And we each are our own sanctuary. What’s needed now is for us to find the courage to come out of the woods, find ways to nourish our inner sense of sanctuary, and find ways to share our gifts and be of service.

sun-mask-ceramic

Our shy souls: approach with trust

November 2, 2016 ~ Nicole Gnutzman

Separated from our own souls. We end up living divided lives, so far removed from the truth we hold within that we cannot know the “integrity that comes from being what you are” – Parker Palmer citing Douglas Wood

The soul is shy” shares Parker Palmer in his book, A Hidden Wholeness: The Journey Toward and Undivided Life, and rare are those places where it feels safe and supported and seen.

Many of us who care about, and have faith in, the soul believe we came into this world with a pure and perfect one, and that, over time, it hides in fear as the “powers of deformation from within as well as from without” distort it. Gosh, I would hide too if I was being tormented endlessly.

Fortunately, the soul is a resilient little (or not so little) thing, and it bides its time waiting for when it’s safe to come out “toward the light of [its] own wholeness.”

So, what makes for a safe haven for the soul? According to Palmer, it’s “a circle of trust” of supportive and loving acceptance, where we can finally hear our inner truth and listen to the guidance of our inner teacher. It’s where we can talk to the soul through a “third thing”: through poetry, story, music or a work of art that explores a topic the soul wants to approach ever so gingerly.

Gently approaching the soul can take other forms–through transformation coaching, where the coach builds a container of trust to approach the soul indirectly; through ceremony and ritual where we honor the wholeness and interconnectedness of life; through working with our dreams, which are messages from our soul; and through soul path work, which guides us to and through archetypal energies. The soul loves nothing more than beauty, metaphor, imagery, deep meaning, and purpose held lovingly in a sacred container. They are gentle and yet powerful ways to touch and heal the soul.

When approached too directly and before trust has been established, the soul runs away and hides, “afraid that [its] inner light will be extinguished or [its] inner darkness exposed.” So we must tread carefully toward it, honoring its shy nature, its innocence and its light.

My own journey with my soul has been a circuitous one. I could always feels its presence, its “still, small voice”and yet I tuned it out, wanting, and sometimes pretending, to be something that I wasn’t. Extrovert wannabe, who denied the beautiful gifts of her introversion; ‘perfect’ daughter, who hid her wild partying on weekends and got straight A’s during the week (until Calculus came along); and calm, cool, and collected corporate warrior, who was nicknamed the Ice Princess.

I chipped away at the ice for a long time, and as I got closer to my soul, my approach became less direct. My soul, in its small voice, insisted on it. So, through ceremony and my dreams, and opening myself to the slender threads she left for me to follow, I found a warm soul huddling deep within me.

ice-and-snow

Apparently, it’s not so little after all: it’s big and bright and yet gentle and sweet. It can be insistent and a wee bit demanding (I would be too if I hadn’t been listened to for decades), but it always knows what I most need.

I am now a proud, self-proclaimed introvert, who lusciously revels in her alone time, names her imperfections with glee (and laughs), and whose inner light has finally melted all vestiges of that ice…. Hmmm, maybe that’s why I had to move to California from Canada :).

Parker Palmer’s own journey to wholeness has taken a similar path, and I share with deep respect some of his wisdom: being divided from our soul “often seems like the easier choice” but “we pay a steep price” when living a divided life, “feeling fraudulent, anxious about being found out, and depressed” about denying our own selfhood. “A fault line runs down the middle of [our] life…divorcing [our] words and actions from the truth [we] hold in. That’s when things “get shaky and start to fall apart.”

His words touched my soul. May they touch yours in such a way that your soul peeks out from whatever it is hiding behind, and it says, “Hi there, I’m here, can you help me find my way back home?”

Copyright ©2016 Soulscape Coaching LLC

Remembering who you are–the joy of strawberry shortcake & whipped cream

October 20, 2016 ~ Nicole Gnutzman

Old Souls are usually childlike in many ways, having the playfulness and simplicity of children, while maintaining a certain world-weariness and insight. – don Mateo Sol

What people see in me now and hear in my voice and read in my blog posts, is the real me, the true essence of who I am. I’m done with hiding, folks.

hello-sunshine When I was a little girl, I was shy, introverted, loved books and animals of all kinds (lions, especially). I saw the goodness in people. I giggled a lot. And some people (particularly dentists and doctors for some reason) called me “sunshine.” I guess it was all that blond hair and innocence.

And then, as I grew up, I learned that being innocent wasn’t all it was cracked up to be (the world could be such a cruel place), and I started to hide my sunshiny nature.

Then I began to take on and distort (what else can a little mind do?) the beliefs and expectations of my parents, society and my friends in my desire to be loved and feel a sense of belonging.

Here’s a short list (there’s more, but I’ll run out of space and your patience):

My parents wanted me to excel in school and in life, so I thought I had to be perfect. Trying to be perfect meant I wasn’t being me; I was trying to be what I thought they wanted, and then this extended to my friends and boyfriends, school and work, and so on…. Lots of me trying to be something that I wasn’t.

My Dad got really sick, which changed everything, so I had to grow up really fast and learn to look after myself. Life was harder than I thought. It wasn’t all picking cherries in my grandmother’s garden and eating strawberry shortcake and whipped cream. I stopped giggling and started crying, and I felt very alone.

Being strong, independent and productive were my family’s most sought after values. Being weak, dependent and unproductive meant you were vulnerable (or at least that was my interpretation at the time). So, I had to be strong in everything I did and the tears had to stop. With that went most of my emotional life.

I found and stayed in the neutral zone; it was comfortable and easy. Nothing much bothered me, but nothing really gave me joy either (not even strawberry shortcake and whipped cream).

So, you can imagine what my need to be perfect, act like an adult, and not show my vulnerability created: a very sad little girl, and then woman, who pretended she was happy (actually, she was so numb to her feelings, she didn’t feel much of anything). Poor thing.

And then as I tried to control and manage my world so it stayed perfectly neutral, I started to have my doubts. A little voice in me began to say, “I don’t much like this life I have.”

Then it elaborated a bit more: “It seems I am ‘living’ a life in which I don’t say what I feel or need and because of that I get what I don’t want over and over again.” Hmmm. What if I did the exact opposite of what I’ve been doing:

What if I stop trying to be perfect and instead remember who I am (because truth be told I’d kind of forgotten) and what my gifts are?

What if I do some silly things, and don’t worry about how I look to others or criticize myself so much, and maybe, just maybe, find the joy in my life again?

What if being vulnerable and open, and knowing how I feel and saying out loud what I want will actually create the life I want?

What if behind all that armor of perfection, adulthood, and invulnerability, is the essence of me, my inner and outer sunshine?

Well, guess what? As I gently tore down my protective armor (these are some of the symbolic deaths that happen when we transform ourselves), what was behind it was me: my intact soul, the beautiful, sunshiny one I came into this world with that was just a bit wiser, but still innocent in its sense of not knowing, of being open to the mysteries and wonder of the world. The one who wants strawberry shortcake and whipped cream.

And from there I learned that over time, as I laid layers of armor down (believe me, there were a lot and the burden was a heavy one), my true self unfolded like the petals of a lotus flower. It was amazing to behold: “Oh, there’s a little bit of me, and oh, there’s a little bit more, and wow, that was a big piece of me.” As I unfolded, my light, my sunshine, began to emerge. When a Mayan shaman tells you that “you shine,” well, I’m going to take his word for it.

lotus-flower

Now, this story isn’t really about me; I’m just the “vessel for the message.” Here’s what I know based on my own experience: beneath all that protective armor we put in place to keep us safe and secure is our true, beautiful self. Reveal her and you will shine bright.

Of course, if it were easy, we would all have done it long ago. It takes courage to lay down that first piece of armor, and second, and third. All that gorgeous dismantling and unfolding takes patience, a little bit of grit and determination, and compassion (mostly for yourself); and it is one of the most important journeys you will take in your life. But you have to choose it; no one will choose it or do it for you. And you don’t have to do it alone (there are professionals who can help you with that).

Now, some of you will choose to stay comfortably in neutral because it’s safe there. And that’s perfectly ok. Just know that neutral means more of the same. Change will happen to you, not through you if you stay in the neutral zone.

So, if the “blahs” of being in neutral start getting to you, or if you’ve moved beyond blah to the pain of recognition of what you’re missing, which is yourself, you are on the path to remembering who you truly are (and the pure joy of strawberry shortcake and whipped cream).

strawberries-and-cream

Copyright ©2016 Soulscape Coaching LLC.

A transformed life

October 9, 2016 ~ Nicole Gnutzman

The soul is greater than anything you ever lost. – Anonymous

So, remember how that Mayan shaman told me it’s now time for me to teach about “death?” Well, that’s a daunting task to be given, and one I’ve been procrastinating about for awhile now, so I am humbly and carefully treading into this dark vale. Consider this an exploration and an offering….

What’s vaguely comforting to me is that I know this subject fairly well, having experienced many symbolic deaths of my own when I began to question my life and who I was. I won’t deny that there were many tears and lots of fear, and a sense of loss and confusion at times, but what I gained in comparison to what I lost is immeasurable. What I found was me and she was waiting for me all along….

Bat spirit animal: symbolizes shamanistic death

In shamanic traditions, a shaman experiences many symbolic deaths before he or she passes the tests, some of which are death-defying, and attains spiritual awakening. In the shamanic world, these tests invite the initiate to question his or her sense of personal identity and old ways of life, and to create a new relationship to life from the void of darkness (often a symbolic grave).

In our more mundane world, we too must experience symbolic deaths in order to live fully into life itself and who we truly are. Fortunately, the tests we face usually don’t push us to the edge of death, but they do, just like the shaman initiate’s, threaten who we believe we are. They make us question our beliefs, fears, expectations, and identity.

When we hold on, out of the fear that letting go of these things (and letting them die) will somehow diminish us, we end up living unconsciously, going through the motions, and being in denial. When we hold on, we are acting from a place of fear and scarcity, and what we then experience and feel is a deep lack in our lives. It takes away our joy.

When we allow the beliefs that limit us, the fears that hold us back, the expectations that cause us to want to be someone we actually aren’t, the masks and the armor we put on to hide and protect ourselves, to die, we open ourselves to transformation. It is only then, when we have let go, that we can create and begin to live into new, life-affirming beliefs about ourselves and life itself.

We need to sit on the rim of darkness and fish for fallen light with patience. – Pablo Neruda

As we go through this vale of darkness, we feel sadness and even grief, and we may feel alone and empty, but what we don’t realize until we’re through it is that what emerges from this void is beautiful–it is powerfully grounded and filled with luminous light and deep wisdom.

What emerges is YOU, the real you, the one who left behind all the “baggage” you carried for so long. It feels good to let go of that which you no longer need. You are lighter. You feel joy again.

Sometimes you, don’t realize the weight of something you are carrying until you feel the weight of its release. – Unknown

Life is always asking us to grow and live into our future. If we resist and hold on, we are denying the symbolic deaths that will lead to our own transformation. And when we resist our destiny, we die to life itself. Just on the other side of darkness is the light, our light.

Copyright ©2016 Soulscape Coaching LLC

Readings with a shaman

September 13, 2016 ~ Nicole Gnutzman

“The toughest battles are those fought solo, in the deep interiors of the soul…. The more open you are to your own light,the more you trust the blinding power of this inexorable inner light, the sooner you will attain the truths you seek.” – Birgitte Rasine, The Serpent and the Jaguar: Living in Sacred Time

I don’t quite know what I expected in my Mayan Day Sign reading with a Mayan shaman in Guatemala. Many of us at the retreat signed up for a private reading after our beautiful and transformative Mayan Fire Ceremony, where we honored each of the 20 naguales/nawales (Day Signs) that comprise the Cholq’ij or Tzolkin Mayan calendar.

Mayan Fire Ceremony with Shaman Walther Thomas Mendoza Cholotio

We were told gently by our retreat center host that Thomas, the shaman, wasn’t psychic–that he would share with us his in-depth knowledge of our nagual and Mayan Cross (the five naguales that make up our soul’s path and destiny from conception), which might seem eerily true for us.

We were all touched and surprised by our readings. I was told that I am more than a soul’s path guide; I am a teacher of life and death, which I quickly (whew! rose-copy ) realized meant metaphorical death. Right now, according to the shaman, I am to teach about death, which is a beautiful flower. I took this to mean that I am to teach about transformation, how in order to grow and evolve in this life, parts of us (sometimes little and sometimes not so little parts of us) need to die, so something new can be created and we can unfold like a flower.

Transformation is something with which I am intimately familiar as parts of me (beliefs, fears, emotional or ego blocks) that no longer served me have been dying as I reinvented myself over the past 10 years. My Mayan Day Sign, E, which actually means the Path, foretold that my life would be a process of constant evolution, ongoing structuring and restructuring. It sure has felt that way to me. At least now I know there was a deep purpose to it all….

The destiny sign on my Mayan Cross is Ajpu or Ahau, the Hunter/Sun, the one who brings Illumination. It is this nagual that I am to live into now. It seems that by finding (or is that finally accepting?) my true soul’s path, I have stepped fully into my destiny, which is about overcoming “death” and passing tests, whether they be physical, mental psychological, or emotional. And now I am to teach others how to do this, how to overcome these obstacles and live into their soul’s path and life itself.

Ahau [Ajpu} is the Lord of Light, embodying the highest potential of all life and illuminating the sacred journeys of evolution of all living things. – Birgitte Rasine

As Ajpu, I am a hunter of souls and spirits, which seems appropriate given my work, and a protector of the seeds of life (I’m pretty sure that’s a cacao tree in the pictograph below, which is rather ironic). Don’t get me started on the scorpion, which is a symbol of death and rebirth. One crawled on to my sacred altar during cacao ceremony on our retreat. We managed to find it a new home….

From *The Book of Destiny: Unlocking the Secrets of the Ancient Myths and Prophecy of 2012* by Carlos Barrios

Clearly, I have some thinking and gathering of seeds to do. The shaman advised me to “compress, center myself, and fade away” for awhile to gather my strength, so I can “illuminate others.” The image of a sunflower came to my mind’s eye, a flower that opens with life-affirming vibrancy in late summer and early fall in California.

Having just returned from holding space for others on retreat, I am retreating ever so gently into my own sacred space to contemplate, write and begin designing this unfolding.

It’s humbling to contemplate as I am become increasingly aware of the power of giving fully from my heart (another of my blog posts will delve into that realization) and offering my own deep experience. I will continue to share with you what I discover as I explore these depths, so I may find ways to illuminate your path and ease your journey of transformation. This is both my mission and my promise to you.

If you are intrigued and wish to know your own Mayan Day Sign and Mayan Cross, visit http://www.tokenrock.com/mayan/tzolkin-calculator/. May it light your own path.

Copyright ©2016 Soulscape Coaching LLC.

The gift of retreating

September 11, 2016 ~ Nicole Gnutzman

“There is nothing more natural than for Life to align with Light in a sacred dance of co-existence and co-creation.” – Birgitte Rasine, The Serpent and the Jaguar: Living in Sacred Time

The Lake (Lake Atitlan) called me back and I returned, not alone this time as on my first solo retreat, but with 10 beautiful and brave souls, who were open to whatever awaited them there. And what awaited was more than any of us imagined.

As we opened to our retreat, we left the bustling world behind and immersed ourselves in a new energy, an interplay of quiet solitude and tribal community, relaxation and movement, restoration and revitalization, and receiving and giving.

We closed ourselves off to the world as we knew it and entered a cocoon, a sanctuary, to emerge from our chrysalis more vibrant and alive, and with bright wings that allowed us to rise above ourselves and the world and see with new eyes.

We lived into the spiral of life, the intertwining energies of the four elements: creation and destruction (fire), nourishment and growth (earth), deepening and flow (water), inspiration and clarity (air). And we yearned to take that emergence and transformation home with us, back into the world.

Re-entry into that world is always challenging after retreat as it seems less real or even unreal, an alternate reality of frenzied, ungrounded energy, disconnected from our own deeply felt experience while on retreat.

Retreating brings us back to our true selves, and we want to bring that radiant energy and truth back with us. It can feel like a burden as the world does not always welcome truth and radiance, but it’s a gift we must give to the world, knowing that everything we give will return to us perhaps not in that moment, but in time.

Our inclination may be to protect what we experienced, shielding it from the unremitting, relentless darkness of the world. If that helps us to keep the light within us alive, then let us hide it for awhile, but know, to hide it for too long, weakens it; it needs to be given to others, so they may shine too, and in their shining, their energy comes back to us. It is the energy of life, the spiral on its return journey, the law of attraction, flow.

If we have one mission in this life it is to rediscover who we truly are, so we can offer our light and our gifts to the world as we walk on our soul’s path. Retreating from the world for just a little while to deepen that connection to ourselves and to life itself allows us the spaciousness we need to restore that light. And then we, and others we touch with our light, can shine.

Many of us will return again to Atitlan. Our retreat may become an annual celebration of the transformative power of the Lake and our own transformation….

What makes you weep?

August 8, 2016 ~ Nicole Gnutzman

P1000133 Yesterday, I was contemplating what to write for my blog post. Usually, ideas just come to me and they flow. A couple came to mind, but they felt flat, there was no flow, my energy did not rise with them. And if my energy does not rise as I write, then my reader’s energy certainly isn’t going to either….

So, when does my energy rise? When I care deeply about something or someone. When I feel joy or even sorrow. When I weep. And that’s when I remembered what made me weep last week.

I primarily coach women who are looking to find their soul’s path. And, as I do that, I discovered that after we’ve explored their gifts and what they love, moved on to addressing their fears and limiting beliefs, and created the confidence to begin living into their new soul-fulfilling beliefs, inevitably, romantic relationship comes up.

My clients want to know how to heal and grow their current relationship or how to create a healthy, loving supportive relationship if they don’t have a partner. In either case, they recognize deep in their beautiful soul that their relationship needs to support the whole, healthy, vibrant person they are becoming. I weep with joy for them as that come to that level of clarity.

And what I hear, when my clients share their worries and concerns about their current partner or the people they are meeting, is that they are not being met, their soul is not being lifted up or nourished, and they know in their heart that something more is possible. And that is what they truly want.

In the past, we often looked to our romantic partner for certain needs, be they financial or familial or sexual, and that is no longer the case. We don’t “need” partners in the way we traditionally did. We need them at a much deeper level. And that is when I wept again. I felt deeply for all partners, who want deep connection too.

To allow our partners to feel true connection, we have to find a way to express our deepest need for them, not from a place of neediness, but rather one of strength. To see and understand their gifts, to know what gives them true nourishment, and to be able to say with love and curiosity, “I need you,” or ” I need your help,” in such a way that they can respond with their gift or knowledge or strength. Deep connection follows the recognition of being truly seen.

Be curious. Express your appreciation. Ask for help that only your partner (or your prospective partner) can fulfill using their gifts. Create a sense of deep belonging. And watch what happens….

As we lift up and nourish our own soul and the soul of our partners, we all become whole. We live in alignment with our soul’s path. We love. We weep with joy.

Accept or decline the mission

August 2, 2016 ~ Nicole Gnutzman

You may think you have no resistance to finding your purpose, but if that were true you would probably already know it. – Tim Kelley

Finding our purpose in life can be terrifying and sometimes perplexing. I know. As I was first exploring mine, I received a guided message saying I should make a documentary about ceremonial cacao. It came as a total surprise.

While I know a little something about cacao ceremony and am fascinated by the history of cacao, I know absolutely nothing about making a documentary. I, being the “doer” that I am, starting wondering how I could fulfill this “mission.”

My sister has an MFA, has taught film production and now heads the Media Studies program at a community college, and made a documentary film (a very long time ago), so I thought, she can help me! I even took the step of approaching her and she was mildly enthusiastic (she’s Canadian and still lives in Canada, so maybe I should have taken that mild enthusiasm more seriously :)).

Anyway, I soon realized that I actually didn’t want the responsibility of making a documentary. There are far better, more qualified people who could do it, and I had an inkling that my path lay elsewhere. It would have been a fun diversion, but documentaries need to be passion projects, they can take forever to be realized, and I just didn’t have quite enough passion or time.

Plus, to be honest, the thought of traipsing through the rain forest looking for indigenous shamans; the depth of relationship needed to gain their trust, so they would allow us to film them; and the time required to do this away from home and my husband, scared me. It was so far away from my current experience and I felt it put things I valued at risk.

I know now, and I even knew then, that what our soul wants for us is not always on the easy path. Could I actually say, “no,” to this?

So, I asked myself, why did Spirit give this to me? And then I just happened upon Elizabeth Gilbert’s Big Magic, in which she reveals that “inspiration will always try its best to work with you–but if you are not ready or available, it may indeed choose to leave you and to search for a different human collaborator.” So, I was off the hook…. I could leave this for someone else to take on as their mission and continue to look for my soul’s true purpose. Which is exactly what I did.

Just recently, not that I was looking for further confirmation, I read Tim Kelley’s True Purpose: 12 Strategies for Discovering the Difference You Are Meant to Make, in which he shares that “you can accept [your mission] or decline it” and “your soul can give you a new instruction that is at a higher level.” That’s what keeps happening to Tim, and that’s exactly what happened to me. I declined one mission only to have another one be revealed to me, one that fully supported what he calls my “blessing,” or what I like to refer to as my gifts, the things for which I am a “catalyst, a facilitator of some process.”

The reason that I like to talk about being on your “soul’s path” is that, while our purpose and gifts are foundational, our mission or “highest level instruction” continues to evolve and grow, building on that foundation. Our soul’s path is an unfolding, one which is revealed to us as we walk forward with trust.

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Effort or surrender?

July 18, 2016 ~ Nicole Gnutzman

Life is a balance between what we can control and what we cannot. I am learning to live between effort and surrender. – Danielle Orner

I’m with Danielle. I too am learning to live in the liminal space between effort and surrender, and some days I’m better at it than others…. I see this same struggle in many of my friends and clients, who have excelled in life by being fully in control, until something told them in no uncertain terms that they actually weren’t.

When we experience a loss or a longing that cannot be filled by ordinary measures of effort, it can cause us to question our beliefs about life and ourselves. Few of us want to accept life as uncertain; we want certainty and guarantees, and safe risk (if that’s even possible). Uncertainty, unpredictability and ambiguity make us very uncomfortable.

When we realize that our belief about life has been mistaken, we find ourselves at a loss of what to go do, so we keep doing the same thing over and over again–and that’s like doing more of the same and expecting a different result. It’s an infinite loop that never ends or a wall we keep running into. Effort, although it feels safer and more familiar, may not be the place to go to find resolution.

When we’ve exhausted ourselves and our options, we come to the realization that we have to let go of something, whether it’s a belief, pattern, or issue, that’s holding us back from what we truly want (more joy, connection, purpose, etc.). That letting go is what is called in spiritual terms, “surrender,” and it doesn’t feel either safe or familiar to those of us who have relied solely on effort.

Finding the sweet spot between effort and surrender just may be the key to our frustration and discomfort. Seeing with new eyes that surrender and effort can be complementary–a “both/and” rather than an “or.” What if we surrendered to surrendering? And then acted from there?

Two resources that came to me as I was looking for guidance in this realm have beautiful ways of navigating this liminal space. The process in each, even though they come to it from very different healing perspectives, is strikingly similar. Each has tremendous value and power in itself, and I also found in working with both that blending the two is a truly powerful combination.

The first resource by Michael Mirdad, a spiritual healer, is, Healing the Heart & Soul: A Five-Step, Soul-Level Healing Process for Transforming your Life, which takes a more spiritual approach based on his work with A Course in Miracles. His healing method follows this path:

Recognizing the issue: the courageous step of recognizing the need for healing and choosing to make a significant change in your life
Accepting: taking responsibility for identifying the cause(s) of the issue and acknowledging the deeper emotions behind it
Surrendering: surrendering all issues, emotions, people, events unconditionally by giving them to a higher power for healing
Refilling: consciously calling in guidance and healing from a higher power and receiving the message
Giving Thanks: releasing the issue, showing gratitude for the healing and acknowledging your readiness to move on.

The second resource, which I mentioned in an earlier post, by Leslie Davenport, a family therapist and ordained minister, is Healing and Transformation through Self-Guided Imagery, which walks us through self-guided meditation to access our heart’s guidance. Her path to healing and transformation is:

Asking what you need guidance about: one word or phrase that encapsulates the issue
Accessing your heart: bringing attention to your breathing by breathing in “Clarity” and breathing out “Peace”
Discovering your inner sanctuary: allowing an image to arise of a place where you feel most at peace
Bringing your issue to heart: holding your issue up to receive guidance (surrender)
Receiving your heart’s guidance: asking your heart for “a wise and loving response”
Thanking your heart: thanking your heart for its message and integrating its wisdom into your daily life through action.

What’s so amazing is that each process only takes about 20 minutes to complete, and you can do them all on your own. With both, I’ve found writing in a journal helps with the discovery process and integrating the healing guidance into my life.

Surrender all that no longer serves you. Let all that remains buried in your heart come to the surface and be healed. Let there be space for new energies to enter. A new beginning transforms darkness to light. – Anonymous

For those of us who are used to efforting, these powerful, transformative processes provide us with the steps to find our way to surrender and access our inner knowing, which then guides us to right action. We live in that space where both surrender and effort reside.