Soul

Free souls club

~ Nicole Gnutzman
Be the change you want to see in the world. – Mahatma Gandhi

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I’m going to admit something that I struggle with and am not proud of–I’m pretty hard on myself. I feel responsible for just about everything. And when it comes to blame, I’m spectacularly good at aiming it right at myself. I am a recovering self-blamer. There, I admitted it to myself. That’s the first step, right?

Now there are definitely some good qualities to owning responsibility and even laying blame at my own feet. For instance, I always look to myself first to learn my from mistakes and change what needs changing. Tolstoy once said, “Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.” Well, I am that “no one.” And I’m sure, despite what Leo says, that there are many more of us out there.

I have never felt like a victim in my life because I thought that if I took responsibility for my actions, how could I possibly be a victim? But what I came to realize was that I was making myself a victim of myself. Pretty twisted, isn’t it?

Over time, I have experienced how taking on all that blame is a huge, lonely burden. I decided I was done with being a victim; I wanted to be free of it. So, I asked myself, “what’s the antidote to that? Plain and simple, it’s forgiveness. And a little bit of courage too.

IMG_2481If I can see with compassion that the one who is doing the attacking or blaming “knows not what [s]he does,” then forgiveness comes more easily. And if I look closely at those times when I blamed myself the most, I now can see that I was indeed blind and unknowing.

If I had only known then what I know now, that all of us, me included, have access to three truths (I’m sure there are more but these are good for now):

  • We are wise–deep within us is an innate wisdom if we choose to listen to it
  • We are good–our intentions are good when they come from the right place
  • We are loved–if we love ourselves first, others will love us too, simply for being us

If I listen deeply to those parts of myself, where these truths reside, then I can choose, as a “free soul,” to act wisely with love, while bringing good into the world, and I can see more clearly with compassionate eyes both my actions and the actions of others. No one is to blame.

We all can be part of the Free Souls Club, while changing ourselves and the world in one fell swoop (hence the need for angel wings).

 

The dark night of the soul

~ Nicole Gnutzman
There is no coming to consciousness without pain….One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious. – Carl Jung

IMG_2307I was always afraid of the dark. Things going bump in the night (which was usually just my big sister under my bed). Where did that fear of the dark come from? From the uncertainty of it, from not knowing what was behind or within that darkness, or from wanting to avoid the darkness of pain or sadness?

My more spiritually minded friends suggested that I “embrace my darkness,” that I “surrender to it.” At the time, I had absolutely no idea what they were talking about. Despite their enthusiasm, the darkness–my darkness–still terrified me.

And I had gotten really good at avoiding it. I pretended it simply wasn’t there. I wasn’t angry or sad or in pain (was I?) or at least I didn’t go looking for it or dwell on it. Life was good. Somehow I thought if I worked hard and knew what I wanted, I was in control of my life.

And then IT happened. Everything I thought I wanted for my small business, the big goal I had been working on for over a year with a business partner, collapsed around me. I was left standing in the rubble, choking on the dust.

The darkness came without me asking it to. I was enveloped in it, I struggled against it at first, and then I just surrendered. What now, I asked? It was my dark night of the soul.

The dark night of the soul comes just before revelation. When everything is lost, and all seems darkness, then comes the new life and all that is needed. – Joseph Campbell
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I must also have a dark side to be whole. – Carl Jung

I got it. This was the darkness I needed to face, to surrender to. So, I dove into it; I went deep.

I reexamined everything I “knew,” believed, assumed, and thought. I deconstructed myself bit by bit; decoded my dreams, which were full of messages; found a way to laugh at myself; faced and questioned my fears and demons with strength and resolve; made peace with them; and followed the slender threads that appeared before me seemingly showing me the way back to the light.

When I emerged from the dark, I felt like a whole new me. A more loving, compassionate and humble me. One that’s open to possibility, uncertainty and grace. A me that cares deeply about her soul and following its guidance.

Don’t get me wrong, I still have goals and aspirations, but they come from a different place inside of me now–a soul-directed place–and they sure as heck aren’t set in stone. We all know what happens to stone when a bomb goes off. Dust and destruction everywhere.

While I can’t say that I felt like a phoenix rising from the ashes–that was a bit too Icarus-like to me (and we all know what happened to him)–I did feel like a fledgling learning to fly for the first time. My flight was a little precarious and wobbly at first, but the fact that I’m flying again with the jet stream instead of against it is absolutely beautiful and oh, so liberating.

Getting unstuck

~ Nicole Gnutzman
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You are not stuck.

The other day I was listening to author, teacher and catalyst of the human potential movement, Dr. Jean Houston. She shared that staying open to guidance from our higher selves–just like yoga or meditation or any other activity where we open to ourselves–requires practice.

Maybe, just maybe, “practice” doesn’t mean “perfect.” It doesn’t have to feel so burdensome as if it is a chore or a routine or a discipline. Perhaps what becomes possible through our practice is an opening to grace. A way of getting unstuck.

And if we approach our practice with joy and laughter, she says, it “opens up closed valves.” Dr. Houston laughed uproariously in that moment. It made me giggle too.

Reaching out to another and giving brings us unexpected grace. Taking a crazy journey or going to the beach (that’s a fave of mine). Doing the unexpected. Writing in our journal about where we are stuck. All these practices, that don’t really look like practices, break the pattern of our stuckness and open us wide to our inner guidance.

I absolutely loved this particular gem from Dr. Houston: ask yourself, “Where and when am I not stuck?” Find the person (or persona) you are in that moment and activate her. Bring her to your “let’s get unstuck” party. We have so many inspiring aspects of ourselves to access: there’s our inner Warrior, our Adventurer, our Dreamer, our Achiever or our Nurturer. Any or all of them can help us get unstuck.

So, guess where I’m going? To the beach with my inner Magical Child to feel the warmth of the sun on my face, hear the waves crashing, and be open to grace. There and with Her, I am not stuck.

You are beautiful….

~ Nicole Gnutzman

IMG_2310So, today I had my annual eye exam. Hmm, you’re probably thinking, what does this have to do with the soul’s path? Eyes are the windows to the soul? Yes, they are, but that’s not quite where this post is going.

During the exam, my optometrist and I talked about our families, how our teenagers were coping with school and my coaching business, and we shared stories about past and upcoming trips to faraway lands as we always do. She was attentive, authentic and genuinely interested in our conversation.

As I was paying at the front desk, I mentioned to the two assistants how much I loved my doctor, who clearly cares deeply about her patients. In fact, I have been so impressed by her caring soul and soulful practice that I have been going to her ever since I moved to the Bay area, which is over 10 years ago now, even though I no longer live in the city. Based on my glowing recommendation, my husband sees her too.

Her assistants enthusiastically agreed with me and said the reason they had worked there for so many years was because of how caring and wonderful both doctors are (she and her husband both manage the practice). They clearly loved working there. And that was when one of the assistants smiled and gave me a sticker that said, “You are beautiful.” It so touched my heart, I graciously accepted it.

Intrigued by its effect on me, I turned it over and spied a URL: you-are-beautiful.com. A quick Google search and here’s what it had to say, “You Are Beautiful is more than a little sticker, it’s an idea. It’s a way to brighten someone’s day, a way to pat a stranger on the back, a way to remind ourselves that even when things aren’t going great, it’s ok.” How beautiful is that?

And if you send them a self-addressed envelope, they will send you five stickers for free, so you can touch the hearts of five more people. I’m going to be all over that! We need more love and soulful expression in the world.

It’s amazing how a small act of acknowledging the caring soul of my doctor turned into a little love fest, stickers and all!

Did I happen to mention that the assistant who gave me the sticker was wearing fabulously stylish glasses, of course; a sleek suit with slim, fitted pants that grazed the ankle displaying to full effect his gorgeous turquoise socks? Now that was one outfit with pure soul. Right back at you, beautiful.