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Finding the courage to come out of the woods….

~ Nicole Gnutzman
Do not look for a sanctuary inside anyone except yourself. – Buddha
Remember…the entrance to the sanctuary is within you. – Rumi

I am a woodland elf, or at least that’s what my husband affectionately calls me. I must admit that I do look a bit elvish (someone also once called me Cindy Lou Who from Dr. Seuss’s How the Grinch Stole Christmas), but I digress…. And I do thrive in the woods; there’s just something about the energy of trees and sunshine.

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And so, living into my elvish nature, I lived on “retreat” in the redwoods near Mendocino, CA for the past year guiding clients to find their soul’s path and gifts and deepening my own inner transformation. It was the perfect work–life balance and the most nourishing sanctuary I have ever experienced. I could have stayed there forever nibbling on nuts and berries or whatever elves eat.

p1020734But Life or Spirit or the Universe had another idea in mind. Just when you think you have let go of everything you no longer need, you realize there’s always more, more to let go of and more to live into….. So, you ask, what had I become so attached to, that I didn’t want to let go of? My sanctuary in the woods.

Yup, I was getting a bit too comfortable there, all cozy by the wood fire, holding ceremony in my sacred space in the loft, and working remotely in my pajamas (actually, I wore real clothes, but I could have been in my PJ’s).

And then, the owner of our cabin (we rented), sold it! I was in shock; I was in denial all the way through escrow; I was simply devastated. And I discovered that I was not immune to the effect of change. The rugs that gets pulled out from under us take many forms; mine happened to be made of wood and glass and stone.

So, we found ourselves having to find another sanctuary, something we had done before, so we weren’t too worried. We’d always been pretty good at manifesting beautiful places to live. Only this time, nothing showed up. Or what showed up was so not right for us that we started to question ourselves. Were we not clear about what we wanted, were we sending Spirit mixed messages, or did She have something else in mind for us?

In a moment of deep sadness, I prayed to Spirit and asked why I was losing my home and sanctuary, and She gently told me, “Your sanctuary is within. You carry it everywhere you go. It is all you need.”

Perhaps it was time for me to come out of the woods…. Especially now. Staying in the woods when conscious awareness and activism are so needed at this time would have been my version of running away, an escape from hard reality, a retreat of a whole other kind.

So, here I am, writing this from our sailboat in Sausalito, our tiny home on the water for now, re-engaging with life, old friends and community; finding ways to be of service; and bringing my gifts to guide others to find theirs, so we may heal and be whole, strengthen our resiliency and resolve, and co-create the world we want to see.

We all have our own woods to which we retreat. And we each are our own sanctuary. What’s needed now is for us to find the courage to come out of the woods, find ways to nourish our inner sense of sanctuary, and find ways to share our gifts and be of service.

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Our shy souls: approach with trust

~ Nicole Gnutzman
Separated from our own souls. We end up living divided lives, so far removed from the truth we hold within that we cannot know the “integrity that comes from being what you are” – Parker Palmer citing Douglas Wood

img_3340The soul is shy” shares Parker Palmer in his book, A Hidden Wholeness: The Journey Toward and Undivided Life, and rare are those places where it feels safe and supported and seen.

Many of us who care about, and have faith in, the soul believe we came into this world with a pure and perfect one, and that, over time, it hides in fear as the “powers of deformation from within as well as from without” distort it. Gosh, I would hide too if I was being tormented endlessly.

Fortunately, the soul is a resilient little (or not so little) thing, and it bides its time waiting for when it’s safe to come out “toward the light of [its] own wholeness.”

So, what makes for a safe haven for the soul? According to Palmer, it’s “a circle of trust” of supportive and loving acceptance, where we can finally hear our inner truth and listen to the guidance of our inner teacher. It’s where we can talk to the soul through a “third thing”: through poetry, story,  music or a work of art that explores a topic the soul wants to approach ever so gingerly.

Gently approaching the soul can take other forms–through transformation coaching, where the coach builds a container of trust to approach the soul indirectly; through ceremony and ritual where we honor the wholeness and interconnectedness of life; through working with our dreams, which are messages from our soul; and through soul path work, which guides us to and through archetypal energies. The soul loves nothing more than beauty, metaphor, imagery, deep meaning, and purpose held lovingly in a sacred container. They are gentle and yet powerful ways to touch and heal the soul.

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When approached too directly and before trust has been established, the soul runs away and hides, “afraid that [its] inner light will be extinguished or [its] inner darkness exposed.” So we must tread carefully toward it, honoring its shy nature, its innocence and its light.

My own journey with my soul has been a circuitous one. I could always feels its presence, its “still, small voice”and yet I tuned it out, wanting, and sometimes pretending, to be something that I wasn’t. Extrovert wannabe, who denied the beautiful gifts of her introversion; ‘perfect’ daughter, who hid her wild partying on weekends and got straight A’s during the week (until Calculus came along); and calm, cool, and collected corporate warrior, who was nicknamed the Ice Princess.

I chipped away at the ice for a long time, and as I got closer to my soul, my approach became less direct. My soul, in its small voice, insisted on it. So, through ceremony and my dreams, and opening myself to the slender threads she left for me to follow, I found a warm soul huddling deep within me.

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Apparently, it’s not so little after all: it’s big and bright and yet gentle and sweet. It can be insistent and a wee bit demanding (I would be too if I hadn’t been listened to for decades), but it always knows what I most need.

I am now a proud, self-proclaimed introvert, who lusciously revels in her alone time, names her imperfections with glee (and laughs), and whose inner light has finally melted all vestiges of that ice…. Hmmm, maybe that’s why I had to move to California from Canada :).

Parker Palmer’s own journey to wholeness has taken a similar path, and I share with deep respect some of his wisdom: being divided from our soul “often seems like the easier choice” but “we pay a steep price” when living a divided life, “feeling fraudulent, anxious about being found out, and depressed” about denying our own selfhood. “A fault line runs down the middle of [our] life…divorcing [our] words and actions from the truth [we] hold in. That’s when things “get shaky and start to fall apart.”

His words touched my soul. May they touch yours in such a way that your soul peeks out from whatever it is hiding behind, and it says, “Hi there, I’m here, can you help me find my way back home?”

Copyright ©2016 Soulscape Coaching LLC

 

 

 

A transformed life

~ Nicole Gnutzman
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The soul is greater than anything you ever lost. – Anonymous

So, remember how that Mayan shaman told me it’s now time for me to teach about “death?” Well, that’s a daunting task to be given, and one I’ve been procrastinating about for awhile now, so I am humbly and carefully treading into this dark vale. Consider this an exploration and an offering….

What’s vaguely comforting to me is that I know this subject fairly well, having experienced many symbolic deaths of my own when I began to question my life and who I was. I won’t deny that there were many tears and lots of fear, and a sense of loss and confusion at times, but what I gained in comparison to what I lost is immeasurable. What I found was me and she was waiting for me all along….

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Bat spirit animal: symbolizes shamanistic death

In shamanic traditions, a shaman experiences many symbolic deaths before he or she passes the tests, some of which are death-defying, and attains spiritual awakening. In the shamanic world, these tests invite the initiate to question his or her sense of personal identity and old ways of life, and to create a new relationship to life from the void of darkness (often a symbolic grave).

In our more mundane world, we too must experience symbolic deaths in order to live fully into life itself and who we truly are. Fortunately, the tests we face usually don’t push us to the edge of death, but they do, just like the shaman initiate’s, threaten who we believe we are. They make us question our beliefs, fears, expectations, and identity.

When we hold on, out of the fear that letting go of these things (and letting them die) will somehow diminish us, we end up living unconsciously, going through the motions, and being in denial. When we hold on, we are acting from a place of fear and scarcity, and what we then experience and feel is a deep lack in our lives. It takes away our joy.

When we allow the beliefs that limit us, the fears that hold us back, the expectations that cause us to want to be someone we actually aren’t, the masks and the armor we put on to hide and protect ourselves, to die, we open ourselves to transformation. It is only then, when we have let go, that we can create and begin to live into new, life-affirming beliefs about ourselves and life itself.

img_3249We need to sit on the rim of darkness and fish for fallen light with patience. – Pablo Neruda

As we go through this vale of darkness, we feel sadness and even grief, and we may feel alone and empty, but what we don’t realize until we’re through it is that what emerges from this void is beautiful–it is powerfully grounded and filled with luminous light and deep wisdom.

What emerges is YOU, the real you, the one who left behind all the “baggage” you carried for so long. It feels good to let go of that which you no longer need. You are lighter. You feel joy again.

Sometimes you, don’t realize the weight of something you are carrying until you feel the weight of its release. – Unknown

 

Life is always asking us to grow and live into our future. If we resist and hold on, we are denying the symbolic deaths that will lead to our own transformation. And when we resist our destiny, we die to life itself. Just on the other side of darkness is the light, our light.

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Copyright ©2016 Soulscape Coaching LLC

 

 

 

 

What makes you weep?

~ Nicole Gnutzman

P1000133Yesterday, I was contemplating what to write for my blog post. Usually, ideas just come to me and they flow. A couple came to mind, but they felt flat, there was no flow, my energy did not rise with them. And if my energy does not rise as I write, then my reader’s energy certainly isn’t going to either….

So, when does my energy rise? When I care deeply about something or someone. When I feel joy or even sorrow. When I weep. And that’s when I remembered what made me weep last week.

I primarily coach women who are looking to find their soul’s path. And, as I do that, I discovered that after we’ve explored their gifts and what they love, moved on to addressing their fears and limiting beliefs, and created the confidence to begin living into their new soul-fulfilling beliefs, inevitably, romantic relationship comes up.

My clients want to know how to heal and grow their current relationship or how to create a healthy, loving supportive relationship if they don’t have a partner. In either case, they recognize deep in their beautiful soul that their relationship needs to support the whole, healthy, vibrant person they are becoming. I weep with joy for them as that come to that level of clarity.

And what I hear, when my clients share their worries and concerns about their current partner or the people they are meeting, is that they are not being met, their soul is not being lifted up or nourished, and they know in their heart that something more is possible. And that is what they truly want.

In the past, we often looked to our romantic partner for certain needs, be they financial or familial or sexual, and that is no longer the case. We don’t “need” partners in the way we traditionally did. We need them at a much deeper level. And that is when I wept again. I felt deeply for all partners, who want deep connection too.

To allow our partners to feel true connection, we have to find a way to express our deepest need for them, not from a place of neediness, but rather one of strength. To see and understand their gifts, to know what gives them true nourishment, and to be able to say with love and curiosity, “I need you,” or ” I need your help,” in such a way that they can respond with their gift or knowledge or strength. Deep connection follows the recognition of being truly seen.

Be curious. Express your appreciation. Ask for help that only your partner (or your prospective partner) can fulfill using their gifts. Create a sense of deep belonging. And watch what happens….

As we lift up and nourish our own soul and the soul of our partners, we all become whole. We live in alignment with our soul’s path. We love. We weep with joy.

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Accept or decline the mission

~ Nicole Gnutzman
You may think you have no resistance to finding your purpose, but if that were true you would probably already know it. – Tim Kelley

IMG_1545Finding our purpose in life can be terrifying and sometimes perplexing. I know. As I was first exploring mine, I received a guided message saying I should make a documentary about ceremonial cacao. It came as a total surprise.

While I know a little something about cacao ceremony and am fascinated by the history of cacao, I know absolutely nothing about making a documentary. I, being the “doer” that I am, starting wondering how I could fulfill this “mission.”

My sister has an MFA, has taught film production and now heads the Media Studies program at a community college, and made a documentary film (a very long time ago), so I thought, she can help me! I even took the step of approaching her and she was mildly enthusiastic (she’s Canadian and still lives in Canada, so maybe I should have taken that mild enthusiasm more seriously :)).

Anyway, I soon realized that I actually didn’t want the responsibility of making a documentary. There are far better, more qualified people who could do it, and I had an inkling that my path lay elsewhere. It would have been a fun diversion, but documentaries need to be passion projects, they can take forever to be realized, and I just didn’t have quite enough passion or time.

Plus, to be honest, the thought of traipsing through the rain forest looking for indigenous shamans; the depth of relationship needed to gain their trust, so they would allow us to film them; and the time required to do this away from home and my husband, scared me. It was so far away from my current experience and I felt it put things I valued at risk.

I know now, and I even knew then, that what our soul wants for us is not always on the easy path. Could I actually say, “no,” to this?

So, I asked myself, why did Spirit give this to me? And then I just happened upon Elizabeth Gilbert’s Big Magic, in which she reveals that “inspiration will always try its best to work with you–but if you are not ready or available, it may indeed choose to leave you and to search for a different human collaborator.” So, I was off the hook…. I could leave this for someone else to take on as their mission and continue to look for my soul’s true purpose. Which is exactly what I did.

Just recently, not that I was looking for further confirmation, I read Tim Kelley’s True Purpose: 12 Strategies for Discovering the Difference You Are Meant to Make, in which he shares that “you can accept [your mission] or decline it” and “your soul can give you a new instruction that is at a higher level.” That’s what keeps happening to Tim, and that’s exactly what happened to me. I declined one mission only to have another one be revealed to me, one that fully supported what he calls my “blessing,” or what I like to refer to as my gifts, the things for which I am a “catalyst, a facilitator of some process.”

The reason that I like to talk about being on your “soul’s path” is that, while our purpose and gifts are foundational, our mission or “highest level instruction” continues to evolve and grow, building on that foundation. Our soul’s path is an unfolding, one which is revealed to us as we walk forward with trust.

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Copyright ©2016 Soulscape Coaching.

Effort or surrender?

~ Nicole Gnutzman
Life is a balance between what we can control and what we cannot. I am learning to live between effort and surrender. – Danielle Orner

IMG_2357I’m with Danielle. I too am learning to live in the liminal space between effort and surrender, and some days I’m better at it than others…. I see this same struggle in many of my friends and clients, who have excelled in life by being fully in control, until something told them in no uncertain terms that they actually weren’t.

When we experience a loss or a longing that cannot be filled by ordinary measures of effort, it can cause us to question our beliefs about life and ourselves. Few of us want to accept life as uncertain; we want certainty and guarantees, and safe risk (if that’s even possible). Uncertainty, unpredictability and ambiguity make us very uncomfortable.

When we realize that our belief about life has been mistaken, we find ourselves at a loss of what to go do, so we keep doing the same thing over and over again–and that’s like doing more of the same and expecting a different result. It’s an infinite loop that never ends or a wall we keep running into. Effort, although it feels safer and more familiar, may not be the place to go to find resolution.

When we’ve exhausted ourselves and our options, we come to the realization that we have to let go of something, whether it’s a belief, pattern, or issue, that’s holding us back from what we truly want (more joy, connection, purpose, etc.). That letting go is what is called in spiritual terms, “surrender,” and it doesn’t feel either safe or familiar to those of us who have relied solely on effort.

 

Finding the sweet spot between effort and surrender just may be the key to our frustration and discomfort. Seeing with new eyes that surrender and effort can be complementary–a “both/and” rather than an “or.” What if we surrendered to surrendering? And then acted from there?

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Two resources that came to me as I was looking for guidance in this realm have beautiful ways of navigating this liminal space. The process in each, even though they come to it from very different healing perspectives, is strikingly similar. Each has tremendous value and power in itself, and I also found in working with both that blending the two is a truly powerful combination.

The first resource by Michael Mirdad, a spiritual healer, is, Healing the Heart & Soul: A Five-Step, Soul-Level Healing Process for Transforming your Life, which takes a more spiritual approach based on his work with A Course in Miracles. His healing method follows this path:

  1. Recognizing the issue: the courageous step of recognizing the need for healing and choosing to make a significant change in your life
  2. Accepting: taking responsibility for identifying the cause(s) of the issue and acknowledging the deeper emotions behind it
  3. Surrendering: surrendering all issues, emotions, people, events unconditionally by giving them to a higher power for healing
  4. Refilling: consciously calling in guidance and healing from a higher power and receiving the message
  5. Giving Thanks: releasing the issue, showing gratitude for the healing and acknowledging your readiness to move on.

The second resource, which I mentioned in an earlier post, by Leslie Davenport, a family therapist and ordained minister, is Healing and Transformation through Self-Guided Imagery, which walks us through self-guided meditation to access our heart’s guidance. Her path to healing and transformation is:

  1. Asking what you need guidance about: one word or phrase that encapsulates the issue
  2. Accessing your heart: bringing attention to your breathing by breathing in “Clarity” and breathing out “Peace”
  3. Discovering your inner sanctuary: allowing an image to arise of a place where you feel most at peace
  4. Bringing your issue to heart: holding your issue up to receive guidance (surrender)
  5. Receiving your heart’s guidance: asking your heart for “a wise and loving response”
  6. Thanking your heart: thanking your heart for its message and integrating its wisdom into your daily life through action.

What’s so amazing is that each process only takes about 20 minutes to complete, and you can do them all on your own. With both, I’ve found writing in a journal helps with the discovery process and integrating the healing guidance into my life.

Surrender all that no longer serves you. Let all that remains buried in your heart come to the surface and be healed. Let there be space for new energies to enter. A new beginning transforms darkness to light. – Anonymous

For those of us who are used to efforting, these powerful, transformative processes provide us with the steps to find our way to surrender and access our inner knowing, which then guides us to right action. We live in that space where both surrender and effort reside.
 

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Copyright ©2016 Soulscape Coaching LLC.

 

 

Finding your spirit animal

~ Nicole Gnutzman
Warriors believed that a particular animal would represent the power in their heart. They would put that animal on their shield, and the power of the spirit would protect them. – Dale Carson

A friend asked me the other week, “How do I get a spirit animal?” Well, I explained, “You don’t quite ‘get’ them, they come to you. They come in many different ways and forms, and what’s so beautiful, is that you actually already have one.”

In the Native American tradition, we are all born with a spirit animal totem, one that stays with us for life. Others come to us as we need them to balance our energies, bring us guidance and protection, and reveal aspects of our selves we didn’t know we had.

My birth totem in the Native American tradition is the deer. Deer people are “gentle peacemakers, who move softly but swiftly through tumultuous times” (whatismyspiritanimal.com). When I discovered this, I knew it to be true as it felt like my foundation, my essence, my core; and yet I also knew that I had grown into other aspects of myself that were far from doe-like :).

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The first step is to find your birth totem. Visit a site like whatismyspiritanimal.com , look for your birth date, and discover the spirit animal that is at your core or essence. It will tell you the qualities that you embody, and also the aspects of yourself that you need to protect and live into.

Noticing animals that show up suddenly and with intention in your life are also ways that spirit animals make their presence known to you. They have a message they are trying to deliver, so it’s best to take note, look up their symbolism, and see how it relates to you in the moment. If you are open to it, the teaching they bring you will be clear.

My favorite sites for animal symbolism are:

http://www.whats-your-sign.com

http://www.shamanicjourney.com/category/power-animals-totems-spirit-guides

IMG_2768Dreams are also deep messengers for animal spirits. This method of delivery comes with a double whammy, not only do you have to interpret the symbolism of the dream, you have to understand the relevance of the spirit animal within it. It’s like a puzzle or riddle, which can be fascinating. You may want to check out my dream guide (posted on my Facebook page) and look up previous posts of mine about dreams to detangle the mystery.

And I feel that I have to share this, so you aren’t disappointed in your spirit animal. Not every animal or creature that shows up for you will be adorable or seem powerful; some will look pretty ordinary, some will be nasty looking, and others will seem just plain silly. They only seem that way because we make associations that we have been taught (spiders are scary or snakes are creepy) or through experience (we were stung by a bee or bitten by a dog once).

IMG_2086Just so you know, the spider is now one of my spirit animals because it kept showing up: in my hair, on my clothes, under pillows (and I was deathly afraid of them), and finally in a dream. When it came to me in my dream (it was huge and was weaving a web on top of my head), I surrendered to it (after looking up its symbolism) and made it one of my many spirit animals. The spider is all about the web of life and creativity, a message I needed to hear in that moment…

 

Each and every animal, insect, fish, and crustacean has an energetic quality to it, something that makes it special in the world, and it is these qualities that are its power (and yours).

Being given your spirit animal by a teacher or guide is another beautiful way that spirit animals come to you. I was given the white swan by my teacher, from whom I learned about cacao ceremony, and I immediately looked up the symbolism of the swan and bought a white swan feather smudging wand for my altar. The feather reminds me every day of my aspiration to live into the qualities of inner grace, balance and commitment.

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Cacao ceremony is another way that spirit animals come to, and communicate with, us. The teachings of these animals, because of the communication channel (cacao), is often profound and transformative. Many of my spirit animals have joined me in this way and I now take them into ceremony with me as guides and protectors, and I even call them in before I fall asleep. I joke with friends that I now have a whole “zoo” of animal spirits. And I never feel lonely :).

And so, I want to take us back to the beginning, to our animal birth totem as our foundation, as the essence of who we are. Start there, acknowledge and honor who you truly are, and follow that energy and what arises…. Other spirit animals will come.

“Deer as a Totem animal belongs to those who shine the light so others may find their way home”( whatismyspiritanimal.com). Today, I am honoring my deer birth totem as I live into my true path guiding others to find theirs.

Copyright ©2016 Soulscape Coaching LLC.

The gift of curiosity

~ Nicole Gnutzman
Curiosity only does one thing, and that is to give. And what it gives you are clues on the incredible scavenger hunt of your life. – Elizabeth Gilbert

IMG_2638Curiosity gave me the clues to a powerful way of self healing and a way to access my heart wisdom.  I’m definitely feeling the love for curiosity!

I have been suffering from recurring headaches, which run their mind-dulling course over a period of five days, for a few years now, but I hit my limit when I had two almost back to back with just one brain clearing, pain free day in between. I was desperate for some relief.

And that’s when synchronicity came calling and curiosity followed closely behind. Not long after my back-to-back headaches, my husband and I were watching a sports documentary about the 85 Chicago Bears–that’s the year they won the Super Bowl. While we both love an inspiring story, coming across this particular story was a bit random, which makes the mysterious duo of synchronicity and curiosity all the more compelling.

One of the players they interviewed during the film was Jim McMahon, the Bears’ infamous quarterback, who was now suffering from dementia, vision problems and chronic headaches from the head trauma he had suffered while playing. In the documentary, they show him having an MRI of his neck, which revealed that the vertebrae in his neck were badly out of alignment, causing fluid build up in his brain; once they adjusted his neck, he was out of pain.

Our curiosity was piqued. Maybe just maybe, that car accident I had over 25 years ago, had caused some damage to my neck that was only showing its symptoms now…. I made an appointment with a chiropractor, who specializes in cranial cervical adjustments, and within a few visits to him, and after one hypnotherapy session (another case of synchronicity and following my curiosity), I was headache free. For over two months. Curiosity had indeed cured my headaches.

Curiosity is the most powerful thing you own. – Anonymous

And then, the headaches suddenly returned out of nowhere. But the strange thing was, my neck was fine. So, with my newfound love of being irrepressibly curious, I looked for clues and a pattern. These headaches appeared after I spent time with a particular kind of person in a particular kind of situation (I won’t go into details here). Let’s just call them stressful.

Aha! I realized then that my typical coping strategies clearly weren’t working and I was letting their negative energy into my head space :(. Ouch.

So, where did my insatiable curiosity lead me next? To the healing nature of guided meditation. How exactly did I get to there from a headache? I felt into when I most feel filled by a radiant light, which is the exact opposite of the dull, weak energy I feel with a headache. And the guided meditation I experienced in hypnotherapy flashed into my awareness.

IMG_2785What if I could guide myself in this way, so I could access it whenever I needed it most? What if there was a resource out there that would teach me how to do this? And that’s when I was “gifted” a powerful book, Healing and Transformation through Self-Guided Imagery, by Leslie Davenport, a therapist and ordained minister, who uses guided imagery in her own practice and at the Institute for Health and Healing in collaboration with California Pacific Medical Center in San Francisco. Thank you, curiosity!

I devoured the case studies with fascination, and, when I felt ready, I practiced her self-guided imagery process. My experience was both profound and healing, far beyond even what I imagined was possible. It truly was, as Leslie Davenport writes, “a journey to the wisdom of the heart.”

Oh, and Liz Gilbert just happens to be featured on Krista Tippett’s podcast, On Being, this week. Her talk is entitled “Choosing Curiosity over Fear.” I highly recommend it.

Copyright © 2016 Soulscape Coaching LLC.

 

 

 

Radiant darkness

~ Nicole Gnutzman
One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious. –Carl Jung

I have a confession to make. Probably 50% of the time when I mean to type, “sacred,” I type, “scared” instead. My next confession is that I am not a touch typist, I am a hunt and peck typer, so that may explain why, but I think there’s more to it than that….

IMG_1830There’s something about the deep unknown that scares us (or at least some of us). We’ve been told and taught that the unknown is dark and shadowy; it’s murky and mercurial; it’s a place we should not go. Hence, scary.

And we tend to run from what scares us: from our darkest shadow, from our deepest emotions, from the parts of ourselves we cannot accept. We suppress our anger until it festers and we vent it on the wrong things (and people); we stifle our sadness until our unshed tears dry up leaving us empty of joy; and we deny our fears by trying to control everything and everyone in our lives. When we ignore these darker emotions, we are in danger of falling into a black abyss of depression where no light penetrates or emanates.

Without acknowledging these darker aspects of ourselves–our anger, our sadness and our fears–we aren’t quite complete. These aspects of ourselves don’t, and won’t, go away on their own. They stage a sit in and wait in the dark.

All this talk of shadows and darkness, reminds me of Ursula K. Le Guin’s book (the one many of us read as teens), The Farthest Shore, and Ged, the young wizard, who runs from the shadow he unleashes upon the world. It is not until Ged names his shadow that he is able to face it, to conquer his fear, and merge with it. It is his understanding and ultimately his naming of it that allows him to be whole.

Shadow work is the path of the heart warrior. – Carl Jung

One of my own shadows came to me in a dream, capturing my attention. I was both disturbed and intrigued by it. When he then came to me in meditation, this time in a more demanding way, I was alarmed. When I next meditated I could feel him lurking, so I asked him, “what do you want?” He expressed that he wanted my love.

I knew in that moment that he was an aspect of myself that I had rejected and denied–the free-spirited puer (young male) part of me. When I was able to acknowledge him and his positive energy, he was satisfied and became an energetic quality that I can call upon when young male energy is most needed. He became my ally.

IMG_2649When we choose to look closely at ourselves, most often when we are in a place of despair, we begin to see into our darkness with an honesty and a clarity that shines its light upon it.

If we sit in that darkness, without fighting it, our vision adjusts. And if we sit there long enough to name the shadow that we deny or suppress or ignore, the inner light of our being begins to glow with understanding and compassion, and eventually suffuses the darkness.

Our darkness begets the light. We shine with its radiance. And, as heart warriors, we unmask what scares and reveal the sacred within.

 

The dark night of the soul

~ Nicole Gnutzman
There is no coming to consciousness without pain….One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious. – Carl Jung

IMG_2307I was always afraid of the dark. Things going bump in the night (which was usually just my big sister under my bed). Where did that fear of the dark come from? From the uncertainty of it, from not knowing what was behind or within that darkness, or from wanting to avoid the darkness of pain or sadness?

My more spiritually minded friends suggested that I “embrace my darkness,” that I “surrender to it.” At the time, I had absolutely no idea what they were talking about. Despite their enthusiasm, the darkness–my darkness–still terrified me.

And I had gotten really good at avoiding it. I pretended it simply wasn’t there. I wasn’t angry or sad or in pain (was I?) or at least I didn’t go looking for it or dwell on it. Life was good. Somehow I thought if I worked hard and knew what I wanted, I was in control of my life.

And then IT happened. Everything I thought I wanted for my small business, the big goal I had been working on for over a year with a business partner, collapsed around me. I was left standing in the rubble, choking on the dust.

The darkness came without me asking it to. I was enveloped in it, I struggled against it at first, and then I just surrendered. What now, I asked? It was my dark night of the soul.

The dark night of the soul comes just before revelation. When everything is lost, and all seems darkness, then comes the new life and all that is needed. – Joseph Campbell
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I must also have a dark side to be whole. – Carl Jung

I got it. This was the darkness I needed to face, to surrender to. So, I dove into it; I went deep.

I reexamined everything I “knew,” believed, assumed, and thought. I deconstructed myself bit by bit; decoded my dreams, which were full of messages; found a way to laugh at myself; faced and questioned my fears and demons with strength and resolve; made peace with them; and followed the slender threads that appeared before me seemingly showing me the way back to the light.

When I emerged from the dark, I felt like a whole new me. A more loving, compassionate and humble me. One that’s open to possibility, uncertainty and grace. A me that cares deeply about her soul and following its guidance.

Don’t get me wrong, I still have goals and aspirations, but they come from a different place inside of me now–a soul-directed place–and they sure as heck aren’t set in stone. We all know what happens to stone when a bomb goes off. Dust and destruction everywhere.

While I can’t say that I felt like a phoenix rising from the ashes–that was a bit too Icarus-like to me (and we all know what happened to him)–I did feel like a fledgling learning to fly for the first time. My flight was a little precarious and wobbly at first, but the fact that I’m flying again with the jet stream instead of against it is absolutely beautiful and oh, so liberating.