brave

Intention plus gratitude: some kind of powerful

~ nicole
The real gift of gratitude is that the more grateful you are, the more present you become. – Robert Holden

As you know, I have this tendency to follow the slender threads of synchronicity that show up in my life because they always lead to something good (even if sometimes I don’t see it at first). The other week, I was on a webinar and the presenter happened to mention a private Facebook group, the Gratitude Circle, which has over 22,000 members. Intrigued, especially after noticing the transformative effects of setting gentle intentions every morning, I joined the circle and began sharing what I was grateful for each day. It was a beautiful complement to my intention setting.

As I drank my morning tea, I would pause and feel into my intention, allowing it to gently emerge and capture it on my laptop. Then I would turn my attention inward again to ask what I was grateful for that day, make my way to the Gratitude Circle and share my thoughts with a group of positive, supportive and loving people. I truly felt blessed each day; it took just a few minutes out of my day; and the benefits were tremendous. I was clear, confident, and more resilient when I set my intentions for the day. I was more open, heart-centered and compassionate when I declared my gratitude. I don’t know if you noticed, but the two balance each other beautifully, and together make for heart-centered inspiration!

Often, what I expressed gratitude for is what showed up for me after releasing my gentle intention for the day. Now that is some kind of powerful!

And what’s really fascinating is that I found myself slightly addicted (in a good way) to setting my intentions and expressing my gratitude. On the mornings when I tried to come up with an excuse (usually a lame one) not to do them, I felt strangely guilty, so I’d find a way to make time and space for them. The key to making them happen was including them in my morning routine, being disciplined, and not allowing myself any excuse (except maybe if the house was on fire).

“Cultivating gratitude has been scientifically linked to better health, less anxiety and depression,  a higher satisfaction with life, and a greater sense of joy. – Julie Santiago, The Gratitude Circle

If you are one of the brave souls who is setting gentle intentions for yourself each day, add this to your day and commit to it for one week (notice I did not say “try” this as there is no try, there’s just doing or not doing). The Gratitude Circle asks members to express gratitude every day for 60 days because we all know it takes a good while for a new habit to form, so if it feels good after the first week keep on going. I know I am….

Please share how it goes for you and if you feel different. I’d love to hear from you.

PS: Today I am grateful for everyone who reads my blog posts and is touched by them in some way. Thank you! Sending you love and light.

Copyright ©2017 Soulscape Coaching LLC.

 

The Darth Vader of self sabotage

~ Nicole Gnutzman
 i need to survive myself because my self sabotage is the only trap worth avoiding, and everything else i will chalk up to living life on life’s terms. – the poetry bandit
Move within. But don’t move the way fear makes you move. – Rumi

img_2748Self sabotage keeps coming up in my conversations lately. Three times in one week. And I always, always reflect deeply when something comes up that often in such succession. It’s as if Spirit or the Universe is tapping me on the shoulder and saying, “Hey, there’s something over here, take a closer look.”

Of course, when I look, I usually find more than I bargained for, such as the ways I do the very things, which I’m being asked to look at. Luckily, my curiosity surpassed my own fear in this instance.

You know when you find every reason in the world not to start something or finish something, fear is at work behind the scenes. While we may be aware that we’re afraid, we can’t quite figure out why. We want this thing we are trying to start or finish, right? So, then why don’t we just go for it? So, why do we sabotage ourselves? Because there’s something more sinister and unconscious behind the fear.

Not all fears are alike. The fear that engenders self sabotage is the fear of being humiliated, of being shamed or criticized or blamed. And the fear of humiliation is the progenitor, the source, the root cause of self sabotage. It’s the Darth Vader of self sabotage. It’s the Dark Side–heavy and dark and threatening, but not invincible.

The pattern this particular kind of fear creates is an adaptive one; it’s one where we turn the unpleasantness of a situation where we anticipate being humiliated into one in which we can cope, so we escape, we self soothe, before the incident ever happens, and voilà, we never start or finish what we really want.

The key here is that by anticipating what might happen (catastrophic thinking), instead of forging ahead bravely (knowing it’s just a projection of our minds) and being open to the possibility of failure (because that’s how we learn), we become attached to soothing ourselves before anything actually happens. We all have ways of self soothing (cookies work really well) or escaping (even laundry becomes a convenient escape) or distracting ourselves (by being too busy or getting lost in the details or perfecting our blog :)).

Here’s how this unconscious pattern emerges: a child takes a cookie without permission and as punishment is humiliated in front of her siblings by her parents in some way (I am not laying blame here, just offering an example). She runs away and hides. Then, much later, as an adult, whenever she is faced with, or even anticipates, humiliation, she withdraws and eats way too many sugary treats. However, she doesn’t make the connection between her feeling of humiliation and her need to escape or overeat. She unconsciously associates pleasure or self soothing with her fear, so anytime she gets triggered, she naturally follows her impulse to self soothe. That’s how self-sabotage holds us hostage.

img_3187When you understand the source of your fear and how you cope with it unconsciously, you can reframe it. When you become aware of the unconscious behavior, you can begin to anticipate it, see it coming, and choose something else before it takes hold that moves you toward your goal of getting what you truly want. Be compassionate and patient with yourself as it will take time to break this pattern; after all, you’ve been living with it for a long time. But each time you see it for what it is, and choose differently, you walk toward the light instead of the darkness. Be brave. The Force will be with you….

 

A big thank you to Mike Bundrant from the iNLP Center for his insightful blog posts on psychological attachment: http://inlpcenter.org/psychological-attachments/ and fear of failure: http://blogs.psychcentral.com/nlp/2015/11/psychological-trap-behind-fear-of-failure/.

And a special note of gratitude to the friends and clients, whose curiosity about self sabotage, inspired me to write this, and to Grace Kraaijvanger of the Hivery for inspiring us to face our fears and be brave.

Copyright ©2017 Soulscape Coaching LLC