The Cacao Journals: Transforming Disappointment

June 29, 2020June 29, 2020 ~ nicole

Awareness is inherently whole, complete and fulfilled in itself…..[I]t’s nature is happiness itself—not a happiness that depends upon the condition of the mind, body or world, but from a causeless joy that is prior to and independent of all states, circumstances and conditions. —Rupert Spira

This past week I believe I disappointed a friend when I cancelled plans because I wasn’t feeling well. I say, believe, rather than know for sure, because she isn’t returning my texts and calls. She could be super busy or maybe she’s working through her disappointment, but I suspect she’s just upset with me. I understand and have compassion. And I feel inspired to write this for all of us who have faced disappointment, so that we can redefine our relationship with it.

Just this morning, as I was reflecting on this over my tea, I opened Rupert Spira’s book, Being Aware of Being Aware, to the page where I had left off reading it weeks ago. The above quote was waiting for me. No chance that.

I have a deep and long history with disappointment as I’m sure many of us do. I still feel twinges of disappointment every so often, but I now know that when I acknowledge and release it in that moment, I open myself up to something even more beautiful. Often, the divine has had other plans for me…. I have found a way to transform my relationship with disappointment by being aware.

Several years ago I kept “being disappointed” by a family member. Every time we showed up to visit, she had other plans and would tell little white lies to hide behind. It infuriated me. I felt disrespected. And I realized it was making me miserable and I wanted my suffering to end.

Reluctant to visit, we made another trip anyway. This time I was perfectly aware of my expectations and possible disappointment. I had begun to change my relationship with it. When, true to form, she disappeared, I actually sighed with relief and may even have laughed out loud because I saw it coming. In that moment, I received many gifts from my awareness—possibility, choice, freedom and joy.

By letting go of my disappointment, which I had become rather attached to in a self-righteous way, I opened myself to possibility. That afternoon was blissful. I sat in the sun reading a book (two of my favorite things); spent sweet time with other family members; and when she finally reappeared, I transformed my relationship with her and with disappointment. If I had stayed in my disappointment and fury, I would have had a miserable time; instead I was in my joy. I was free of my suffering.

“I don’t mind what happens.” —J. Krishnamurti

This freedom opened my eyes. I realized that disappointment shows up when we are attached to and want to control a person or outcome: “It/she/he must be this way or I will be disappointed.” In trying to control, we seek to dominate; in being disappointed, we become the victim of our own failed domination. We inadvertently cause our own disappointment and suffering. Perhaps not an easy lesson to hear, but it is truth.

When we accept what is and let go of control, our disappointment lessens and transmutes. New possibilities emerge. We are at choice. That is freedom. That is “causeless joy.” All by simply being aware.

Fiercely compassionate, warrior heart

November 18, 2016 ~ Nicole Gnutzman

A warrior’s strength is measured by the size of her heart. She shows love, honor and respect. She will stand and fight in the face of adversity for the ones she loves. She will be their voice. She will be their shield. She leads by example. Always remembering who she is.~ Hiwoxuuniis – Two Elk

I’ve been avoiding writing my blog since the election. What could I possibly write about that wouldn’t seem trite or ignore and diminish the impact that the election had on all of us? How can I express my fierce compassion? When I mentioned my dilemma to a friend, she said wisely, “well, then that’s exactly what you should write about.”

People everywhere, not just in the US, are taking the results of the US election very seriously. My friends in Canada, on the morning after the election, asked on Facebook, “What do I tell my children now that the bully won? The bully isn’t supposed to win.” Such touching words on behalf of our little ones, who have been taught that bullying isn’t okay, and that we have to speak up to protect ourselves.

My 14-year-old stepson and his friends decided to speak up and make their voices heard when they and their entire high school marched in protest in San Francisco after Trump’s win. Others needed time to grieve before deciding what to go do and make their voices heard. But don’t ever assume, like some Trump supporters have, that the children of this world won’t take action or are soft because they needed time to grieve. They know exactly what matters and what they stand for. They are an example to us all.

I am also heartened by the women and men (3.7M strong and growing) that I see on a private Facebook group of which I am proud to be a part. Every day, they share stories of how their children are voicing their support for equality, how they themselves have stood up for someone in need to ensure they are safe, how they are writing and calling their congress representatives, how they are donating to Planned Parenthood and the ACLU, and more. Every day, they share how the stories are giving them the strength to stand up for what they believe in and speak without fear. Every day, I am emboldened by these stories.

Some may say that it’s about time we woke up and spoke up, and they would be right. Others would say it’s not enough, but it’s a start and there is huge momentum behind this. And still others would try to dismiss it by saying, “just get over it.” Sorry, folks that’s an old story line. We don’t tell our children that anymore because it robs them of their voice.

We’re not going to be get over it; we’re not going to be silent; and we aren’t going to go away. This is a movement and it is going to build and strengthen. We compassionate folk are fierce. We chose love over hate and will keep on choosing it over and over again.

You see, we are for something now, not against. We are for the rights of minorities, immigrants, indigenous peoples, women, the LGBT community, disabled peoples, and veterans. We are sharing our compassion and love with impact. We are ensuring that our children can grow up in a world that respects their choices and their voices. We are fierce and compassionate.

And I choose those words–fierce and compassionate–carefully and deliberately. Do not underestimate those who walk with fierce compassion. We are motivated and moved into action by our compassion and by our “insight into mutual belonging” (Joanna Macy). We are warriors of the heart.

Copyright ©2016 Soulscape Coaching LLC

Healing with words

October 2, 2016 ~ Nicole Gnutzman

Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” – Proverbs 12:18

I have always thought of healers as gifted people who healed with their hands or their energy. And then I realized one day that if words can hurt (we all know that feeling), then they can heal too.

When my coach trainer once said to me, “Oh, you’re a word person,” as I asked for subtle clarification on something she was teaching, I was a bit bemused, until I realized that I actually am! I am a voracious reader, I have a Masters degree in Rhetoric and Professional Writing, I worked in the educational publishing industry for 18 years, and I write a blog, so you could say I am definitely a word person. I LOVE WORDS. Or more precisely, I love the right words.

As I wrote that particular phrase, what came to mind was “right speech,” one of the practices of the Noble Eightfold Path in Buddhism: right view, right aspiration, right speech, right action, right livelihood, right effort, right mindfulness, right concentration. Sounds like I might just be on the right track, ahem, path :).

I choose both what I say and write with care. What I seek is for my thoughts, words and actions to be in integrity. I don’t always get it right, but it’s what I aspire to do. This intention came as a result of learning as a teenager that words, and even thoughts, can do more than hurt, they can harm; it taught me a huge life lesson. But that’s a story for another day.

Sticks and stones can break your bones, but words can hurt your soul.” – Gitte Falkenburg

For a long time, due to that intense learning moment and not feeling free to express myself when I was a child, I brutally self-edited; I edited myself as I spoke, wrote, and, to my and others’ detriment, felt. Letting go of my internal self-editor was a breakthrough for me. Over time and after much self healing, I now have more compassion, both for myself and for others, to be able to speak and write from that place, and I am much more in touch with my feelings.

As a transformation coach, I offer my words only when just the right question or observation arises in me. Silence can be an amazingly powerful healing tool too. I choose to speak the truth only after I have found a loving way to say it. What I share may not always be what someone wants to hear, but I say it with such fierce compassion and love for who they are and want to be that they choose to listen. Somehow, my words find their way through to their heart and open their eyes to a new way of seeing. And that opening is the beginning of healing and transformation. Perspective is everything as they say.

Words can hurt; they can even harm. Choosing words that heal miraculously heals me too. It’s not always easy, but it sure feels right and good and true walking and talking the healing path.