Enhanced Cacao Journals: Bad Trip or Hard Journey?

November 27, 2023November 27, 2023 ~ Nicole Gnutzman

Every once in a while someone asks about “bad trips” or shares they have experienced one in the past–always without a guide and usually in a discordant environment–and is a bit fearful of a deep journey. I always share that I personally don’t believe in bad trips, only in bad preparation and intention.

The first rule for a safe journey (I prefer that word over trip, which has a certain connotation) is that set and setting and the sacred matter. Second, sitting with an experienced guide matters. Third, having an inward, closed-eye journey with curated music, matters. Fourth, the medicine you take matters. Fifth, having an intention matters. And lastly, knowing (and using) the empowering techniques that can support you when it gets hard matters.

Journeys are not meant to be easy. Sorry, if you’re looking for a quick fix. When held as a sacred, inward journey, they illuminate, clarify, release, resolve and heal. When a client has done the work to prepare, is open and curious, and comes with a pure intention, the journey can be joyful, healing and profound. Deep journeys allow for cathartic release, radical clarity and deep healing, all of which are necessary and can be a bit messy. When held as sacred and safe, with an experienced guide, the journey may be hard, but it will never be bad.

Let’s go a bit deeper on each requirement for a positive, healing journey and outcomes.

Set and Setting

Michael Pollan in his book, How to Change Your Mind, echoes and emphasizes the importance of set and setting, which other researchers and writers before and since have called out as critical to a positive healing outcome. Set means mindset. How you go into the journey with your mind matters. Are you curious and open or skeptical and closed? You must be able to suspend your disbelief and see the experience with eyes of wonder, not cynicism. Have you done research to inform yourself and ease your mind with creating unrealistic expectations? Remember you will receive what you need not what you want to what someone else has experienced. Has your guide provided an orientation session to answer questions and share how they hold the space, so your mind can rest? The mind is powerful and wants to control the experience and get its own way, but it will only get in the way. Prepare yourself, so it won’t. And if it still does, then there’s more work to do….

Setting is about comfort, feeling safe physically and being held in the sacred. Is the setting warm, inviting and comfortable? Do you feel safe there? Is it private? Are you away from distractions and interruptions? Do you have everything you need: extra blankets, water, eye mask, comfort items? Your journey space should feel like a retreat from the world. Sacred space feels different; it’s as if you have crossed a threshold and entered another world where the energy feels clear and clean and safe. You feel held in the sacred. To support that feeling, your guide may create an altar designating and honoring sacred space and clear the space energetically. Set, setting and the sacred matter.

A Guided Journey

Going on a journey alone, even if you have sat with a guide before, is not recommended unless you are very experienced or are a guide yourself. A deep journey is not an out-in-nature or at-a-concert or with-friends-at-a-party experience; it is an inward-looking experience, which may be and feel unfamiliar and uncomfortable. It is a new, unknown, inner terrain to be explored, not feared.

Ultimately, a guide is not just there to make you feel comfortable; they are there to hold the space, so you can go deep safely. If they have embodied wisdom, deep listening skills and compassion (you will feel it), trust that your guide knows this world well. This deep embodied presence only comes from deep self-healing, direct experience and supporting clients through their own.

I hold space so safely that I have even had former clients share that they called me in virtually and energetically to be “with” them on a journey where I was not present, and in which they felt fearful. One is a psychotherapist and was on a solo journey without a guide and thought he was “dying” (thankfully only metaphorically); and the other was in a large group experience, but had been given such powerful medicine, he lost all sense of himself. My “presence” was able to support both of them during their hard journey. A guide with whom you feel safe matters.

Inward Journey

Clinical studies have proven that positive and sustained healing and therapeutic outcomes are directly related to two conditions for the journey: 1) a closed eye experience, and 2) curated music with a journey arc.

A deep, inward journey with eyes closed allows for interoception–where you have access to and awareness of your inner state of being. Studies reveal that interoception may be deeply connected to consciousness. It’s the ultimate mind-body reconnection. A psychedelic journey may even be able to resolve interoceptive imbalances such as anxiety. An eyes open experience–exteroception–does not allow for this awareness as it is a different form of perception acting on different brain receptors. Closing your eyes matters deeply.

Music on your journey is also critical to the experience and not just any music. An inward journey has an arc–a descent as obstacles are faced and emotions are felt and released, and then an emergence from the depths with new wisdom and insight–and the music follows this arc deliberately. It echoes the mythological hero’s journey as described by Joseph Campbell. The music that is most supportive is sacred–indigenous songs and native instruments, chanting and mantra, not heavy metal or electronica.

Most clients love my music playlists and every once in a while one doesn’t like a particular song. I share that they aren’t meant to “like” the songs; the music has a purpose beyond their own preferences and there may a deeper message in them not liking it. If they are focused on the music or taken out of their journey because of it, then their awareness isn’t on their inward journey and they may be avoiding going deeper. I gently suggest they bring their awareness back to the journey. An inward focus and music matter.

The Medicine

Not every sacred medicine is the same. With psilocybin, like other earth and plant medicines, there are strains or varieties. Some strains are great for a purely psychedelic experience and good for recreational, eyes open experiences; others are good for micro-dosing; and some are more embodied, which is perfect to support emotional release, energy clearing and healing outcomes. Some strains are super powerful and can support breakthrough experiences, which should only be shared with more experienced clients, who are familiar with inner work and integration. The strain matters. Dosage matters. The consciousness of the growers matters. The wrong medicine in the wrong context and with the wrong dosage is how “bad” trips came to be labeled as such. The medicine matters.

Intention Setting

Entering a journey experience without an intention is like saying “bring everything you have,” which can simply be overwhelming or tells the medicine you aren’t serious about healing and holding the experience as sacred. The medicine is wise and knows your underlying intention. If all you are looking for is an experience, then perhaps a healing journey is not for you.

If you are serious and true, it’s best to have a focused intention that asks to release whatever is in the way of healing and to receive what you want to live into. This focus acts as a map or a guidepost and allows you to more fully receive, understand and integrate the message. Now, as I’ve shared before, the medicine brings you what you most need, not necessarily what you want, which can be two very different things. While it’s important to have an intention as it provides direction and focus, it’s equally as important to let go of the expectation of how it shows up or of the outcomes. Letting go of expectation helps in avoiding disappointment. Intention truly matters.

Empowerment Techniques

In a previous post, I shared that plant medicine has a consciousness and is trying to find a way to communicate with you. A journey does not have to be a passive experience where you only receive; it can be an active conversation that empowers you in your own healing.

If the messages are coming in too fast, then ask the medicine to slow down. If the messages are coming in a form you cannot understand or are too dark, then say, “I want to receive the message, can you bring it in another form?” It’s almost like changing a TV channel; it’s pretty amazing how responsive the medicine is. And you can always open your eyes to pause the inward journey (like a commercial break). The world will look pretty normal once you open your eyes. But remember, the healing outcomes come from looking inside. Empowered communication matters.

A healing journey requires being courageous and brave; open and willing; curious, engaged and empowered. Your journey may be deep, even a bit dark, and most certainly hard, but it never has to be a bad trip if you hold it and perceive it as safe and sacred. If you truly want to change or open your mind, or at least your perception, that starts even before the journey begins….

©Soulscape Coaching LLC

The Cacao Journals: Energy & Awareness

August 27, 2019September 5, 2019 ~ nicole

Consciousness = Energy = Love = Awareness = Light = Wisdom = Beauty = Truth = Purity. It’s all the same trip. – Ram Dass

True awareness comes from a place of witnessing where we are aware of our thoughts and remain detached. Being aware energetically is the ability to be aware of our own energy and the energy of others, and not take on energy that isn’t ours. As an empath, I used to find myself unconsciously internalizing others’ feelings and energy, which took its toll on my physical and emotional health. Becoming aware allowed me to let go and heal.

This profound experience showed me we are energy. We can be dense heavy energy or negative toxic energy or high vibrational, clear light energy. We have the power to clear our own energetic field simply by being aware and choosing to let go. The process of clearing goes like this. First, become aware of your own energy and the effect it has and notice the energy of others you take on. Witness this from a place of non-judgment.

Second, choose to clear and lighten your energetic load, so you can be light energy. Some people subconsciously believe dense or negative energy serves them (it ultimately doesn’t), so they choose to hold on. This energy allows them to hold on to their story as the victim and brings them attention or gives them control and power from a place of subtle manipulation. Over time, it becomes toxic to them and others, and it shows up in their lives in negative ways. There is no escaping the effects of energy.

Third, let go and release the old, dense or negative energy through conscious effort. Energy healers (there are many kinds) are great resources for clearing. You can also do clearing on your own by sitting quietly and sending the energy into the earth or to your guides. Taking a purifying bath or cleansing shower afterwards supports clearing. Cacao, for me, is the ultimate purifier and brings with it such deep clarity. I have a powerful cacao elixir that does it every time! When in need, there’s always cacao.

So, that’s how to clear the energy when you take it on. What about not taking it on in the first place? The key is energetic awareness. When our energy is a clear light, we notice when other peoples’ is not. Sometimes, we know right away and can stay in witness mode; other times, the energy is harder to read because it’s veiled by charisma and subtle manipulation. We let our witness down.

Instead, our bodies respond after engaging with the negative energy, telling us something is not right. We feel intense discomfort; may shake uncontrollably or feel sick; our mind races, questioning why we’re feeling this way; and we can’t sleep. All these symptoms occur because our body’s wisdom knows and is responding to that energy. The same techniques that I shared above hold true here. In this case, you may need all of them to clear this more toxic energy.

As more and more of us clear our energy, those who want attention, control and power are attracted to us, not realizing that they actually can access their own clear light energy if they let go of their old conditioning and story. Clear energy is limitless and available to all.

When they do try, in subtle manipulative ways, to take your energy, often by making you wrong or blaming you, simply witness it. As they try to shift and spin the situation, even making themselves the victim, know this energy of blame is theirs, not yours. Stay as the witness. Be in your light.

As Ram Dass says, Awareness is Energy, Love, Light, Wisdom, Beauty, Truth, Purity and Consciousness. It’s all one. And you, in your clear light, are all of that. I celebrate you.

If you find yourself in a situation or relationship with a friend or loved one and the energy is feeling dense, heavy or toxic, please reach out for support. I’d be happy to have a 10-minute, no-cost session with you about how to release that energy, so you can be in your clear light. Send an email to nicole@soulscapecoaching.com and we’ll find a time.

The Cacao Journals: Seeking the Wave of Solitude

April 2, 2019April 6, 2019 ~ nicole

Without great solitude, no serious work is possible. – Pablo Picasso

Solitude not people. More words than work. Create and express. Share knowledge. Plant seeds. Cultivate consciousness. Trust and believe. My new mantra (see my previous blog post for the story behind this).

So, you’re probably wondering, how’s that going, Nicole? Well, it’s been challenging and enlightening at the same time. Right after sharing my post, several friends reached out and said, “I’d love to get together with you and talk about your post.” Hmm, what exactly did they not understand about solitude? And the funny thing is I actually met with them (so what did I not understand)?! My first lesson was to set boundaries, which open up the time and space to be in solitude. I’m with Picasso on this one.

As you can sense, I’m slowly easing into this solitude thing. Slipping it into moments between events already booked (I’m a big believer in holding commitments), being judicious about new events and asking myself, “Can I do less and yet express more of my experience and lessons?” More words than work. The answer is a definite “yes.” Allowing myself the time to drop into a more contemplative and exploratory space is key for clarity and insight to come.

The kind of writing and creative pursuits I engage in now matter. My blog posts actually help me get clear and share lessons at the same time. I also put together a proposal as a visiting practitioner for retreat centers, a flyer for my soul sister day retreats and some event postings. I found myself asking, “Do those count as words not work?” My inner wisdom said “Nice try, Nicole, that’s actually work. The ego is so very clever, isn’t it, which brings up the power of awareness and catching the ego in its little tricks.

Last summer and fall I spent a lot of time writing a proposal and sample chapters of a book that I submitted to a publisher in December. Apparently, it needed some work (I did not know that spiritual words were jargon), so I’m finding my way back to it slowly, circling it like a cat does before making its bed. It holds so much of my knowledge about the sharing of cacao medicine; it’s also the curriculum for a workshop. Ways to share my knowledge more creatively that I need to revisit.

It’s time to finish making your bed, Nicole. Is it weird that I’m writing about myself in the third person? It’s as if someone else is giving me advice at the moment. I like it! An inner coach. And, then my inner critic comes along with a little snipe and says, “writing does not pay the bills” (see Trust and Believe).

Just make the bed and then plant the seeds. I realized that to plant new seeds, I needed to seed and cultivate my own consciousness first. I’m revisiting a meditation form I began last spring and rereading some books on consciousness that are now making so much more sense to me. I’m feeling a sense of personal momentum and growth, which is wonderful after many months of focusing on the spiritual growth of others.

The sun finally made an appearance here in California yesterday, so I went to the beach and walked, meditated, read and had deep insights about what I was reading. After I got home, I followed some guided meditations (in between cat naps). A day of solitude in nature was profound. A drum journey I took today showed me my jaguar lounging on a tree branch as she shared, “It’s not time to hunt right now,” which prompted me to write this post. I just can’t get away from the message no matter where I go!

Trust and believe–the last part of the shaman’s message–is the ultimate message. If we live in a quantum world where anything is possible, then I want to get on that quantum wave co-creating an flowing with the universe where and how to surf in solitude. Warm water, easy surf break, sunny skies, and a white sandy beach in Baja Sur (my MEA compadres will totally understand). Flow and possibility.

As I explored this territory of solitude, several questions came to me that you may want to play with:

What becomes possible for you in solitude? What do you need to do and how do you need to be, so you can allow yourself time and space ? How can you drop in more deeply by cultivating awareness and consciousness for insight, clarity and creativity? What wave are you wanting to create, catch and ride?

The Cacao Journals: Revelation through Resistance

March 18, 2019April 1, 2019 ~ nicole

Letting go of inner resistance, you often find circumstances change for the better. – Eckhart Tolle

Resisting, Ruminating, Reframing, Revelation.

I returned from my recent retreat in Guatemala, exhausted, inspired and transformed. I allowed myself some time to integrate and recuperate (holding space for a group over 8 days is a deep experience on all levels) and then I found myself facing a wall of internal resistance.

I received a message from a Mayan shaman while I was in Guatemala, whose work I deeply respect, that I was not expecting. He read my energy and said (I paraphrase), “It’s time to be alone, in solitude, to rest. To be, not just to make. Let go of worrying about people. Express your creativity through writing, dancing, art. Plant seeds. Express through words more than work. You have so much collected knowledge and will gain more through your creativity. It is your responsibility to share it. Don’t worry. Trust and believe that all will come to you. Open to consciousness. Integrate your spiritual soul, your natural soul and your human soul.”

I found myself endlessly ruminating over his message and resisting it. For the past year, I had been giving my time, sharing my gifts, holding event after event, building my soul tribe, endlessly promoting my retreats and events, and after seeing how deeply my immersive retreat transformed and healed, naturally I wanted to share more of that. But his message stopped me in my tracks.

Now, I could have easily dismissed his words and kept on going, but I know better than that. I am a recovering doer. I can force myself to keep going and it’s never pretty on the other side. Ever. I have learned how to pause, listen and wait, but it doesn’t mean I like the feeling! It’s so uncomfortable for me. You wouldn’t know it from the outside because I thrash inwardly, churning my insides to bits, feeling disoriented and unfocused, unproductive and worried. I wept and cursed. I have events to plan I kept telling myself!

Exhausted from my inner struggle, I was forced to rest my face against the cool wall of my own resistance and simply wait for the clarity, the revelation, to come. It came just before, and coincided with a call, I had with a coaching client, who wanted to talk about her own “resistance.” Believe me, I did not in any way influence that. She knew nothing of my struggle.

As she shared what she was resisting, I realized that not that long ago she had overcome another resistance, and it could be a model for what she was now willing to face. Here’s what we discovered together. To overcome resistance we need four things:

clarity about what we are resisting or not willing to let go of and how that holds us back,
a new vision for what we do want, so we can attract more of that,
support for that vision in whatever form we need and actively finding it or asking for it,
seeing the opportunities beyond our wildest imagination that show up when we do let go to give us the strength and inspiration to go on.

I acknowledged that feelings of sadness over what we have to let go of may arise. Grieving is natural and necessary. If we can keep our new vision in sight to inspire us and remember that what is or will show up would not if we had not let go, then we can find the strength to go on and be more at peace with our loss.

So, that brings us full circle. The clarity I received for my own work is this: I must find new, creative ways to share my work that brings me joy (that is a show stopper for me) and contributes to my own evolution. To do this, I must take the time to be in solitude and release my attachment to my work as it has presented itself until now, so I may plant seeds for new growth to flourish in my work, clients and self. After writing this, I truly feel both stronger and at peace.

What do you need to release to allow something beyond your wildest imagination to flourish? Let the revelation come to you.

The dark night of the soul

May 27, 2016 ~ Nicole Gnutzman

There is no coming to consciousness without pain….One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious. – Carl Jung

I was always afraid of the dark. Things going bump in the night (which was usually just my big sister under my bed). Where did that fear of the dark come from? From the uncertainty of it, from not knowing what was behind or within that darkness, or from wanting to avoid the darkness of pain or sadness?

My more spiritually minded friends suggested that I “embrace my darkness,” that I “surrender to it.” At the time, I had absolutely no idea what they were talking about. Despite their enthusiasm, the darkness–my darkness–still terrified me.

And I had gotten really good at avoiding it. I pretended it simply wasn’t there. I wasn’t angry or sad or in pain (was I?) or at least I didn’t go looking for it or dwell on it. Life was good. Somehow I thought if I worked hard and knew what I wanted, I was in control of my life.

And then IT happened. Everything I thought I wanted for my small business, the big goal I had been working on for over a year with a business partner, collapsed around me. I was left standing in the rubble, choking on the dust.

The darkness came without me asking it to. I was enveloped in it, I struggled against it at first, and then I just surrendered. What now, I asked? It was my dark night of the soul.

The dark night of the soul comes just before revelation. When everything is lost, and all seems darkness, then comes the new life and all that is needed. – Joseph Campbell

*I must also have a dark side to be whole*. – Carl Jung

I got it. This was the darkness I needed to face, to surrender to. So, I dove into it; I went deep.

I reexamined everything I “knew,” believed, assumed, and thought. I deconstructed myself bit by bit; decoded my dreams, which were full of messages; found a way to laugh at myself; faced and questioned my fears and demons with strength and resolve; made peace with them; and followed the slender threads that appeared before me seemingly showing me the way back to the light.

When I emerged from the dark, I felt like a whole new me. A more loving, compassionate and humble me. One that’s open to possibility, uncertainty and grace. A me that cares deeply about her soul and following its guidance.

Don’t get me wrong, I still have goals and aspirations, but they come from a different place inside of me now–a soul-directed place–and they sure as heck aren’t set in stone. We all know what happens to stone when a bomb goes off. Dust and destruction everywhere.

While I can’t say that I felt like a phoenix rising from the ashes–that was a bit too Icarus-like to me (and we all know what happened to him)–I did feel like a fledgling learning to fly for the first time. My flight was a little precarious and wobbly at first, but the fact that I’m flying again with the jet stream instead of against it is absolutely beautiful and oh, so liberating.