freedom

The Cacao Journals: Transforming Disappointment

~ nicole

Awareness is inherently whole, complete and fulfilled in itself…..[I]t’s nature is happiness itself—not a happiness that depends upon the condition of the mind, body or world, but from a causeless joy that is prior to and independent of all states, circumstances and conditions. —Rupert Spira

This past week I believe I disappointed a friend when I cancelled plans because I wasn’t feeling well. I say, believe, rather than know for sure, because she isn’t returning my texts and calls. She could be super busy or maybe she’s working through her disappointment, but I suspect she’s just upset with me. I understand and have compassion. And I feel inspired to write this for all of us who have faced disappointment, so that we can redefine our relationship with it. 

Just this morning, as I was reflecting on this over my tea, I opened Rupert Spira’s book, Being Aware of Being Aware, to the page where I had left off reading it weeks ago. The above quote was waiting for me. No chance that. 

I have a deep and long history with disappointment as I’m sure many of us do. I still feel twinges of disappointment every so often, but I now know that when I acknowledge and release it in that moment, I open myself up to something even more beautiful. Often, the divine has had other plans for me…. I have found a way to transform my relationship with disappointment by being aware.

Several years ago I kept “being disappointed” by a family member. Every time we showed up to visit, she had other plans and would tell little white lies to hide behind. It infuriated me. I felt disrespected. And I realized it was making me miserable and I wanted my suffering to end.  

Reluctant to visit, we made another trip anyway. This time I was perfectly aware of my expectations and possible disappointment. I had begun to change my relationship with it. When, true to form, she disappeared, I actually sighed with relief and may even have laughed out loud because I saw it coming. In that moment, I received many gifts from my awareness—possibility, choice, freedom and joy. 

By letting go of my disappointment, which I had become rather attached to in a self-righteous way, I opened myself to possibility. That afternoon was blissful. I sat in the sun reading a book (two of my favorite things); spent sweet time with other family members; and when she finally reappeared, I transformed my relationship with her and with disappointment. If I had stayed in my disappointment and fury, I would have had a miserable time; instead I was in my joy. I was free of my suffering.

“I don’t mind what happens.” —J. Krishnamurti

This freedom opened my eyes. I realized that disappointment shows up when we are attached to and want to control a person or outcome: “It/she/he must be this way or I will be disappointed.” In trying to control, we seek to dominate; in being disappointed, we become the victim of our own failed domination. We inadvertently cause our own disappointment and suffering. Perhaps not an easy lesson to hear, but it is truth.

When we accept what is and let go of control, our disappointment lessens and transmutes. New possibilities emerge. We are at choice. That is freedom. That is “causeless joy.” All by simply being aware.

Copyright © 2020 Soulscape Coaching LLC. 

Free souls club

~ Nicole Gnutzman
Be the change you want to see in the world. – Mahatma Gandhi

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I’m going to admit something that I struggle with and am not proud of–I’m pretty hard on myself. I feel responsible for just about everything. And when it comes to blame, I’m spectacularly good at aiming it right at myself. I am a recovering self-blamer. There, I admitted it to myself. That’s the first step, right?

Now there are definitely some good qualities to owning responsibility and even laying blame at my own feet. For instance, I always look to myself first to learn my from mistakes and change what needs changing. Tolstoy once said, “Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.” Well, I am that “no one.” And I’m sure, despite what Leo says, that there are many more of us out there.

I have never felt like a victim in my life because I thought that if I took responsibility for my actions, how could I possibly be a victim? But what I came to realize was that I was making myself a victim of myself. Pretty twisted, isn’t it?

Over time, I have experienced how taking on all that blame is a huge, lonely burden. I decided I was done with being a victim; I wanted to be free of it. So, I asked myself, “what’s the antidote to that? Plain and simple, it’s forgiveness. And a little bit of courage too.

IMG_2481If I can see with compassion that the one who is doing the attacking or blaming “knows not what [s]he does,” then forgiveness comes more easily. And if I look closely at those times when I blamed myself the most, I now can see that I was indeed blind and unknowing.

If I had only known then what I know now, that all of us, me included, have access to three truths (I’m sure there are more but these are good for now):

  • We are wise–deep within us is an innate wisdom if we choose to listen to it
  • We are good–our intentions are good when they come from the right place
  • We are loved–if we love ourselves first, others will love us too, simply for being us

If I listen deeply to those parts of myself, where these truths reside, then I can choose, as a “free soul,” to act wisely with love, while bringing good into the world, and I can see more clearly with compassionate eyes both my actions and the actions of others. No one is to blame.

We all can be part of the Free Souls Club, while changing ourselves and the world in one fell swoop (hence the need for angel wings).