vulnerable

Crystal Heart Wisdom I: Your Inner Bling

~ nicole
You know the world is a magical place, when Mother Earth grows her own jewelry. – Sagegoddess.com

This is the first in a series of posts exploring the concept of Crystal Heart Wisdom.

Each of us, just like Mother Earth, has a crystal at her core. Ours is our heart core, which (because we’ve all been wounded there) we have found ways to protect from further hurt. But that protection or armor keeps our inner light and our love a prisoner. It’s only through awareness of this armoring and taking the time and effort to remove it that can build our crystal core.

Letting go of our armor, which once protected us, and is now getting in the way of deep connection to ourselves, life and relationships, is one of the keys to becoming whole and luminous.

Recently, at my women’s retreat, I shared a simple and rather raw drawing (done in pencil crayon :)) of the energetic aspects and qualities that, when in balance, create and reveal our pure crystal heart wisdom. This journey truly only begins, and must begin, by taking our armor off and allowing ourselves to be vulnerable and transparent. Boundaries are necessary, of course, but I’ll get to that in a later post.

To allow ourselves to do this we must first want our life to be different than it is, and to want it so badly, that we’re willing to fully see and embrace who we are. What’s so amazingly and achingly beautiful is that underneath all that armor, we are whole.

When I moved from Canada to the States, I left behind a beautiful home, a relationship, close friends and family, everything except my dog, Lola (my ex kept our other dog). I so wanted a full life and love, brimming with joy and depth, and being fully seen and met. And I knew I had to be different to open and receive that life and love.

“A loving heart is the truest wisdom.” – Charles Dickens

Here’s what I discovered when I named my armor. My nickname, behind my back at work, was “The Ice Princess”. My light was still there, but it was behind a wall of ice. I didn’t let anyone get too close and as a result, I was perceived as cool and aloof, polite but unapproachable, perfectly professional and reserved. My armor was perfectionism (and beneath that a “numbing out” with excessive exercising and heavy social drinking). Hiding behind my armor had hurt me more than it had protected me.

Deeply unhappy and unfulfilled, I said to myself, “How do I need to be different to have the life and love I most want?”  And that’s when everything changed: I found the love I wanted because I was clear about what I needed and was open to receiving it; I made new, deep friendships because I shared who I truly was and what I cared about; I became a better leader at work because I allowed myself to be open and transparent with my team. This was the first BIG step on my journey to wholeness.

So, I invite you to ask yourself two questions: 1) “What is my armor?” and 2) “How do I need to be to have the life and love that I most want?” Explore what comes up for you and whether you are ready to step on that path of self discovery because of what becomes possible when you do. You may just find the deep connection you’ve always been looking for.

More Crystal Heart Wisdom to come….

With love & light,

Nicole

Copyright ©2018 Soulscape Coaching LLC

 

Remembering who you are–the joy of strawberry shortcake & whipped cream

~ Nicole Gnutzman
Old Souls are usually childlike in many ways, having the playfulness and simplicity of children, while maintaining a certain world-weariness and insight. – don Mateo Sol

What people see in me now and hear in my voice and read in my blog posts, is the real me, the true essence of who I am. I’m done with hiding, folks.

hello-sunshineWhen I was a little girl, I was shy, introverted, loved books and animals of all kinds (lions, especially). I saw the goodness in people. I giggled a lot. And some people (particularly dentists and doctors for some reason) called me “sunshine.” I guess it was all that blond hair and innocence.

And then, as I grew up, I learned that being innocent wasn’t all it was cracked up to be (the world could be such a cruel place), and I started to hide my sunshiny nature.

Then I began to take on and distort (what else can a little mind do?) the beliefs and expectations of my parents, society and my friends in my desire to be loved and feel a sense of belonging.

Here’s a short list (there’s more, but I’ll run out of space and your patience):

My parents wanted me to excel in school and in life, so I thought I had to be perfect. Trying to be perfect meant I wasn’t being me; I was trying to be what I thought they wanted, and then this extended to my friends and boyfriends, school and work, and so on…. Lots of me trying to be something that I wasn’t.

My Dad got really sick, which changed everything, so I had to grow up really fast and learn to look after myself. Life was harder than I thought. It wasn’t all picking cherries in my grandmother’s garden and eating strawberry shortcake and whipped cream. I stopped giggling and started crying, and I felt very alone.

Being strong, independent and productive were my family’s most sought after values. Being weak, dependent and unproductive meant you were vulnerable (or at least that was my interpretation at the time). So, I had to be strong in everything I did and the tears had to stop. With that went most of my emotional life.

I found and stayed in the neutral zone; it was comfortable and easy. Nothing much bothered me, but nothing really gave me joy either (not even strawberry shortcake and whipped cream).

So, you can imagine what my need to be perfect, act like an adult, and not show my vulnerability created: a very sad little girl, and then woman, who pretended she was happy (actually, she was so numb to her feelings, she didn’t feel much of anything). Poor thing.

And then as I tried to control and manage my world so it stayed perfectly neutral, I started to have my doubts. A little voice in me began to say, “I don’t much like this life I have.”

Then it elaborated a bit more: “It seems I am ‘living’ a life in which I don’t say what I feel or need and because of that I get what I don’t want over and over again.” Hmmm. What if I did the exact opposite of what I’ve been doing:

What if I stop trying to be perfect and instead remember who I am (because truth be told I’d kind of forgotten) and what my gifts are?

What if I do some silly things, and don’t worry about how I look to others or criticize myself so much, and maybe, just maybe, find the joy in my life again?

What if being vulnerable and open, and knowing how I feel and saying out loud what I want will actually create the life I want?

What if behind all that armor of perfection, adulthood, and invulnerability, is the essence of me, my inner and outer sunshine?

Well, guess what? As I gently tore down my protective armor (these are some of the symbolic deaths that happen when we transform ourselves), what was behind it was me: my intact soul, the beautiful, sunshiny one I came into this world with that was just a bit wiser, but still innocent in its sense of not knowing, of being open to the mysteries and wonder of the world. The one who wants strawberry shortcake and whipped cream.

And from there I learned that over time, as I laid layers of armor down (believe me, there were a lot and the burden was a heavy one), my true self unfolded like the petals of a lotus flower. It was amazing to behold: “Oh, there’s a little bit of me, and oh, there’s a little bit more, and wow, that was a big piece of me.” As I unfolded, my light, my sunshine, began to emerge. When a Mayan shaman tells you that “you shine,” well, I’m going to take his word for it.

lotus-flower

Now, this story isn’t really about me; I’m just the “vessel for the message.” Here’s what I know based on my own experience: beneath all that protective armor we put in place to keep us safe and secure is our true, beautiful self. Reveal her and you will shine bright.

Of course, if it were easy, we would all have done it long ago. It takes courage to lay down that first piece of armor, and second, and third. All that gorgeous dismantling and unfolding takes patience, a little bit of grit and determination, and compassion (mostly for yourself); and it is one of the most important journeys you will take in your life. But you have to choose it; no one will choose it or do it for you. And you don’t have to do it alone (there are professionals who can help you with that).

Now, some of you will choose to stay comfortably in neutral because it’s safe there. And that’s perfectly ok. Just know that neutral means more of the same. Change will happen to you, not through you if you stay in the neutral zone.

So, if the “blahs” of being in neutral start getting to you, or if you’ve moved beyond blah to the pain of recognition of what you’re missing, which is yourself, you are on the path to remembering who you truly are (and the pure joy of strawberry shortcake and whipped cream).

strawberries-and-cream

Copyright ©2016 Soulscape Coaching LLC.