Awareness

Enhanced Cacao Journals: Ego Dissolution

~ Nicole Gnutzman

“Could it be that the rational mind destroys the soul?” –from the film, The Next Three Days

I recently watched the film, The Next Three Days with Russell Crowe and in it, he shares the above quote in his college class discussion about the book, Don Quixote. He speaks to the “triumph of irrationality” over trying to be in control.

Many come to a healing session to get unstuck. They realize how much they are “in their heads” and not in their bodies. By allowing their rational mind to take over, they have become disconnected from their body, from their feelings, from their heart and soul. Without conscious permission, they have given their mind almost absolute control. And we know what absolute power can do….

While that may seem a little dramatic, it’s a hard truth. One that I know only too well. Once the mind is in control, it does not want to let go. It colors everything pretty much black and white or shades of grey. Stark or dull. The mind understands the rational and analytical. Duality, polarity and compartmentalizing become the default perspective and a limiting system of belief.

Caught in our minds and stuck in the ingrained grooves of our neural pathways, we repeat the same patterns and behaviors over and over again. Nothing changes until we become aware that we are stuck and why, and then choose to come back into wholeness. I read somewhere that 80% of change is awareness; the last 20% is hard work.

Some, who also are caught in their heads, but aren’t aware they are actually stuck, have as their intention to experience “ego dissolution,” often after having read Michael Pollan’s book or watched his docuseries. Ego dissolution is associated with experiencing being part of something larger than ourselves or feeling a sense of oneness, which is also known as the transcendental. They believe this is what they are missing; and once they have experienced it, they will have more meaning in their lives and see life in a new way.

They also tend to be quite attached to their rational minds and it may not really be their intention to change, even though Pollan’s book is called, How to Change your Mind, lol! They see their potential experience of the transcendental as somehow purely additive.

However, with mind-body separated and not integrated, they are fragmented. And if they are fragmented in their very being, the experience of the transcendental or oneness is a concept outside of themselves. Objectively viewable, but not personally attainable.

Psychedelics can provide a glimpse of the transcendental; however, it remains elusive and external to one’s sense of self unless and until that experience is fully embodied. So, how do you make it personal and embody it? Well, you need an embodied experience.

Unlike some psychedelics, which are known to fairly reliably provide a glimpse of the transcendental, plant medicine, including certain strains of psilocybin, provide a more embodied experience of it.

Plant medicines, which have a consciousness, are also tricksters and teachers, and may choose to provide a purely transcendental experience or they may bring you a full-bodied experience of ego dissolution, also known as “ego death” in the plant medicine realm. On that journey, the medicine may show you that you have some healing and releasing to do to come back into your body. Resisting this re-embodiment can be uncomfortable, so it’s best to allow it and move through the discomfort.

The experience of ego dissolution/death can take many forms: your entire body may become one with the universe/cosmos; dissolve into light and return to the stars or become mulch for the earth; or be dismembered or swallowed by a snake or another animal; or some other permutation of disintegration, which can be terrifying because it is asking you to totally let go of control. And our mind/ego does not like that…. Ego dissolution is not all love and light and transcendence.

Master plants are teachers and healers. Learning a lesson from them is neither linear nor easy. The master teacher wants you to have an actual embodied sense of ego dissolution/death instead of an out-of-body experience of it. Ego death asks for full surrender. You are taken apart–disintegrated, dissolved, disembodied–and put back together–reintegrated, resolved, re-embodied–in a new way.

It may sound scary, but it’s actually tremendously liberating. When you have died metaphorically enough times, not much scares or controls you anymore. Your mind is no longer in control as you become more fully embodied and connected to the Universe, Source, the Divine, Oneness; and ultimately to your own divinity. To face death (even if it’s just your ego) is to feel truly alive.

©Soulscape Coaching LLC

The Cacao Journals Plus: Umleitung?

~ Nicole Gnutzman

Years ago, an ex-boyfriend and I took my mother on holiday to Germany, where she was born and lived until she was 25. One day, on the trip, we were driving our tiny little rental car and saw a sign that said, Umleitung. Neither of us understood what it meant, so we asked my mother and she repeated the word, “Umleitung.” I asked her again what it was in English and she responded, “Umleitung.” By now, we were thoroughly confused and getting worried. I quickly realized she thought she was saying it in English, lol, and all three of us cried out at the same time, “Detour!” and made a sharp turn at the last sign. Good thing we figured out the translation and followed the sign!

I tell my clients when they share that their intention is to have more of something in their lives, how beautiful that intention is and that with sacred medicine, it may take you on a detour first because you can’t get from where you are to where you want to be on a direct route. If you could, you would be there already, right? Makes sense, but it doesn’t mean the road is without bumps.

Recognizing we are being taken on a detour, accepting it and trusting we will get to our destination is a key part of the journey. On the detour there are feelings to be felt, patterns and beliefs to be seen for what they are and stuck energies to be released. To reach a beautiful destination, sometimes we have to spend time in a remote and desolate place. Even in the desert there’s an oasis we can’t yet see; and we have walk in the unrelenting sun to get there….

Whatever state of being you are needing or wanting to release, the medicine may bring you face to face with it. It’s like looking into an inner mirror. The medicine knows you are ready to face it or it wouldn’t present it to you or take you there. It asks you to look at it directly, see it and work with and through it. Doing anything other than that is what we call “by-passing.” If you refuse to relinquish control of the journey and decide to create your own inner detour, you will get stuck in a roundabout, going around in endless circles with no exit.

When clients come to a session feeling depressed or anxious, the medicine may push them farther into that feeling during or even afterwards to confront it, work through it by trusting the medicine and integrate the feelings and learnings. None of this is easy work, but when it’s done, it’s profoundly healing.

Clients, after healing sessions, most often feel tender, tired and a bit raw because they have released stuck energies, felt and integrated deep feelings, and begun to smooth the grooves of old patterns, habits and beliefs. Many feel much better the day after and by the third day are in the “afterglow” of clarity, open awareness and lightness of being. They feel and experience the healing outcomes fairly quickly and directly.

However, some may feel stuck in a transitional, liminal space because the medicine is still working with them; they feel ungrounded and low, and worry that their depression and anxiety have not been (and will not be) alleviated. I always say to them, “be patient and trust the medicine;” it knows what it’s doing.

Everyone is on their own personal journey and their own integration path and timing. Trust that the liminal phase will pass. Notice everything over the first days and in the coming weeks. Keep your state of awareness open by noticing how you are different and what’s showing up or not in your life, and learning to pause and know you are always at choice. These intentional, conscious practices are vital to your healing outcomes and will be conscious until they become unconscious and are the new healthy habit.

You may need additional integration support with a coach or therapist, micro-dosing and/or working with cacao as a daily practice, during your transition, so you can begin to integrate and embody the state of being you are seeking. 

So, on your journey, remember to notice the signs, follow the guided detour and trust it will take you to your destination safely. While it may not be the scenic route or the easiest, it is the healing one.

©Soulscape Coaching LLC

The Cacao Journals: Integration & Innerstanding

~ Nicole Gnutzman

I am on fire about this topic and there aren’t too many things I get fired up about, so if I am more direct than usual, that’s why…. This fire deep in my belly arose after a potential client asked, “When does it not work?” I clarified by asking, “Do you mean the journey experience itself or after?” “After,” he said. Without hesitation, I shared, “When clients don’t do their integration work.”

A journey on its own can be a breakthrough experience; however, it only becomes truly transformative when it’s been integrated and informs a client’s behavior and actions. When a client interprets what they received and allows it to inform their choices with conscious intention, then it goes beyond just an experience. A friend in this space has called this “innerstanding”, which aptly captures how integration is about inhabiting the space within and living into it.

As Dr. John Churchill said in his recent podcast with Aubrey Marcus, post journey, we want to move from “state to trait development” and evolve our ego development, which requires integration. Otherwise, it’s just an experience like going to the amusement park; it may be entertaining, thrilling or even frightening, but it doesn’t change your life. If you want an illuminating and transformative experience, you need to innerstand and integrate what you received.

Not surprisingly, most clients do not know how to do this on their own. A few may because they have done some deep inner work already; others, with integration support, can find their way; and the rest, who choose not to receive or ask for support, are left wandering in the space of un-integration–where they go back to exactly the way they were–or even disintegration–where they can’t go back because they have let go of old patterns (come undone) and do not know how to consciously create the new patterns they want to live into on their own.

So, not only is a journey guide necessary to the actual experience, integration coaching as part of the overall process is vital. This is why my sessions include an integration call after always. Now, not every client chooses to have the call, which is where things can get tricky for them.

Integration involves not just capturing the experience in some way through voice memos, journaling, drawing and reflection; it is a deep exploratory and discovery process that requires decoding, translation and analysis to fully receive, understand and live into what has been “communicated.”

The reason it requires this level of under/innerstanding is that while the language of the experience can be almost glaringly truthful, it is not always so literal and direct. Sometimes, tricksterism may even be involved, where the message may be deeper than first thought or even inverted. Our plant allies can be jokesters and have a robust sense of humor!

Just like in a dream, your experience may involve symbolism and imagery, metaphor and archetypes, shadow aspects, and even word play. Nothing may be exactly as it seems and requires translation. Most clients don’t know what they don’t know.

The pitfalls of not going deeper and not fully understanding the message can show up in a myriad of ways: 1) nothing changes even though that’s what the client desired in their intention, 2) stuff shows up (usually as triggers) that the client does not know what to do with and falls back into old reactive behaviors, 3) the ego (or spiritual ego) gets inflated and behavior driven by that inflation creates disturbances in their life, seemingly out of their control. Without conscious practices, integration coaching and tools, life can get old and messy pretty quickly.

My co-facilitators and I are realizing more and more the vital importance and impact of pre and post inner work on healing/therapeutic outcomes. More soon on the supportive pathways and practices we’re going to be sharing.

©Soulscape Coaching LLC

The Cacao Journals: Exploring “Too Muchness”

~ Nicole Gnutzman ~ 2 Comments

Hola! I am writing this from Todos Santos, Baja California Sur, Mexico. A magical place of supportive, nourishing energy mixed with the raw power of Mama Ocean and miles of gorgeous, white sandy beaches; vast desert with cacti and arroyos (natural gullies for rain overflow); underground aquifers and palm tree groves; and majestic mountains with the softest morning light. A beautiful balance and integration of feminine and masculine energies and power. One that is inspiring and unleashing my creativity. Hence the forthcoming blog posts after a very long hiatus!

Recently, my female clients have brought two themes into my awareness: one is the concept of “too muchness” and the other is feminine embodiment. Both are hot and sometimes confronting topics…so I thought I would write about them in two separate posts.

Let’s begin with “too muchness.” Women (never men it seems), who have expressive personalities and energy, are often given the “too much” label. More often than not, the person triggered by the so-called “too muchness” energy, has work to do around their own energy, boundaries and ability to express themselves. The question for them is this: “Why am I being triggered by someone who is in their full expression?”

Perhaps what they are seeing is a mirror either of their own inner sense of “too littleness” or even their own “too muchness.” Ironically, “too much” people don’t always appreciate other “too muchness.” The larger questions when we are triggered are, “How am I in relationship with/to: 1) my own energy, 2) How do I express my energy? and 3) How is it received in the world?”

Sitting with these questions and observing your reactions may support you in feeling less triggered by others’ energy, raise your awareness and allow you to choose to respond differently.

Now, let’s look at it from another perspective…. This one may feel more confronting for those who believe that there is no such thing as “too muchness” and that we are to live into our full expression always and everyone else just needs to get over it!

A recent female client, who shared she was often accused of “too muchness” said that she didn’t want to dim her “light.”

We all want to show up in our light–as the essence of who we truly are–and to be seen, received and accepted unconditionally. It is not about dimming our light, but shining our true, pure one.

This brought up for me the questions of “What kind of light are you shining?” “Where is it coming from?” “And how is it being received?” Self awareness of where our light is coming from and how we are showing up in the world can be clarifying and illuminating.

Here are few possible scenarios of how our light can show up when it’s felt and received as “too muchness”:

*If the light is a spotlight on the other person, which shows up as insatiable curiosity, questioning and a need to know, that can be intense and energetically draining for the other person.

*If the light is a flashlight or headlamp shining inward on another person, which shows up as deep questioning of their inner world, that can be too intimate and energetically draining for them.

*If the light is super bright and blinding, which shows up as full on expression, but with little to no perception of or interest in the other person, that can be seen as self-absorbing, disconnecting and energetically draining.

The key word in all of this is “draining.” Pure light illuminates and energizes; it does not deplete energy.

The purest intention in shining and sharing your light is not only about being seen and accepted for who you truly are; but also about allowing others to feel that you truly see them, which brightens and strengthens their light.

Feel into that for a moment. Your light can illuminate theirs. And their light will strengthen yours. It’s a beautiful interchange of energy and light, and ultimately love.

The light that comes from pure, unconditional love illuminates another’s.

When you perceive that your light may be draining or depleting others, the questions to ask yourself are, “Where is my light coming from? And more deeply, “What is my true, underlying intention and motivation for shining my light?”

If it is coming from one of these places of deep unconscious need, it will inevitably dim other’s light and deplete their energy:

*need for validation: seeking love and acceptance

*attention seeking: seeking to be seen and heard

*conditionality: shining your light only when you receive what you want/need from another person and turning it off when you don’t; your light is conditional.

Now, all of this can be confronting or illuminating, depending on your willingness and capacity to sit and reflect on how you share and express your light and how it is received.

Do you make others shine? Be the light of luminous love and you will.

©Soulscape Coaching LLC.

The Cacao Journals: Transforming Disappointment

~ nicole

Awareness is inherently whole, complete and fulfilled in itself…..[I]t’s nature is happiness itself—not a happiness that depends upon the condition of the mind, body or world, but from a causeless joy that is prior to and independent of all states, circumstances and conditions. —Rupert Spira

This past week I believe I disappointed a friend when I cancelled plans because I wasn’t feeling well. I say, believe, rather than know for sure, because she isn’t returning my texts and calls. She could be super busy or maybe she’s working through her disappointment, but I suspect she’s just upset with me. I understand and have compassion. And I feel inspired to write this for all of us who have faced disappointment, so that we can redefine our relationship with it. 

Just this morning, as I was reflecting on this over my tea, I opened Rupert Spira’s book, Being Aware of Being Aware, to the page where I had left off reading it weeks ago. The above quote was waiting for me. No chance that. 

I have a deep and long history with disappointment as I’m sure many of us do. I still feel twinges of disappointment every so often, but I now know that when I acknowledge and release it in that moment, I open myself up to something even more beautiful. Often, the divine has had other plans for me…. I have found a way to transform my relationship with disappointment by being aware.

Several years ago I kept “being disappointed” by a family member. Every time we showed up to visit, she had other plans and would tell little white lies to hide behind. It infuriated me. I felt disrespected. And I realized it was making me miserable and I wanted my suffering to end.  

Reluctant to visit, we made another trip anyway. This time I was perfectly aware of my expectations and possible disappointment. I had begun to change my relationship with it. When, true to form, she disappeared, I actually sighed with relief and may even have laughed out loud because I saw it coming. In that moment, I received many gifts from my awareness—possibility, choice, freedom and joy. 

By letting go of my disappointment, which I had become rather attached to in a self-righteous way, I opened myself to possibility. That afternoon was blissful. I sat in the sun reading a book (two of my favorite things); spent sweet time with other family members; and when she finally reappeared, I transformed my relationship with her and with disappointment. If I had stayed in my disappointment and fury, I would have had a miserable time; instead I was in my joy. I was free of my suffering.

“I don’t mind what happens.” —J. Krishnamurti

This freedom opened my eyes. I realized that disappointment shows up when we are attached to and want to control a person or outcome: “It/she/he must be this way or I will be disappointed.” In trying to control, we seek to dominate; in being disappointed, we become the victim of our own failed domination. We inadvertently cause our own disappointment and suffering. Perhaps not an easy lesson to hear, but it is truth.

When we accept what is and let go of control, our disappointment lessens and transmutes. New possibilities emerge. We are at choice. That is freedom. That is “causeless joy.” All by simply being aware.

Copyright © 2020 Soulscape Coaching LLC. 

The Cacao Journals: Polishing the edges

~ nicole

Beneath my hard edges…there is a love song. – Robert M. Drake

The other day I received a message in meditation that said, “Remember to be tender.” I teared up when I felt into that. My tenderness was something that I had embraced like a long lost lover, and recently I had felt it slipping away replaced by a frustrated edginess.

In the past few weeks, I barked at my dog when she wasn’t responding to my invitation to go for a pee more quickly. I yelled in frustration at being delayed in traffic. I said something insensitive to a friend. My usual equanimity was gone. Something was definitely amiss.

So often, we get through by having an edge–sharp, prickly or crispy (as one friend describes hers)–that cuts away or deflects things we don’t want to feel or take in. We act out this edginess; we impose it on others; we walk through the world with an invisible sword in our hands. God help those who get in our way. Whatever form our edges take, they are not loving, to ourselves or to others.

So, what can we do to smooth and soften our edges? It’s not by “taking the “edge off” as they say. That just mutes and muffles the edge until it raises its ugly head again. My way of taking the edge off (when I was still in the corporate world) was having a glass of wine after work, getting “comfortably numb.” When I began to experience severe migraines after even a few sips of alcohol, I gave it up entirely, and suddenly, my edge-taker-offer was gone. No muting and muffling for me.

Fortunately, when the migraines arrived, I was meditating daily and had discovered cacao, both of which smoothed my edges without dulling my senses. These practices allowed me to feel and acknowledge my feelings instead of suppressing them. As I became more aware, I could be more open, compassionate and loving towards myself and others. Tenderness with healthy boundaries replaced the edginess.

As I witnessed the re-emergence of my edges recently, I realized that they arise when I don’t stay true to my tenderness and unconsciously allow my ego to begin building walls around it. My tenderness doesn’t need the protection of my ego.

I broke up with my ego five years ago when I fell in love with cacao, meditation and shamanic journeys. These practices allowed me to dissolve my ego (without it knowing), gently stripping away limiting beliefs, negative self-talk and unneeded defenses until what was left was just tender ol’ me. A me that is vulnerable and yet strong in knowing who I am and what I care about. A me that can share and accept love unconditionally. A me, I like and love.

My original edges came from being what one friend called, “too porous.” I was like a sponge; I soaked everything in until I felt like I was drowning, so I froze all that wateriness and created a protective iciness. Sharp and yet shiny.

I feel as though I have a membrane now rather than an edge. It lets things in and out, allowing feelings to flow and not get stuck. It doesn’t judge, but it does filter and discriminate. If it doesn’t align with an energy, it either doesn’t let it in or filters it out. It has no need for defensive, protective edges. It’s smooth and self-healing.

The same friend with the “crispy” edges recently expressed gratitude to her partner for helping “polish” her edges. My own polishing allows me to come back to my softer, gentler, tender self, to the one I love. I can still be fierce and fearless, but always in service to my tenderness, my compassion, my love for others and self.

Copyright ©2019 Soulscape Coaching LLC

The Cacao Journals: Energy & Awareness

~ nicole

Consciousness = Energy = Love = Awareness = Light = Wisdom = Beauty = Truth = Purity. It’s all the same trip. – Ram Dass

True awareness comes from a place of witnessing where we are aware of our thoughts and remain detached. Being aware energetically is the ability to be aware of our own energy and the energy of others, and not take on energy that isn’t ours. As an empath, I used to find myself unconsciously internalizing others’ feelings and energy, which took its toll on my physical and emotional health. Becoming aware allowed me to let go and heal.

This profound experience showed me we are energy. We can be dense heavy energy or negative toxic energy or high vibrational, clear light energy. We have the power to clear our own energetic field simply by being aware and choosing to let go. The process of clearing goes like this. First, become aware of your own energy and the effect it has and notice the energy of others you take on. Witness this from a place of non-judgment.

Second, choose to clear and lighten your energetic load, so you can be light energy. Some people subconsciously believe dense or negative energy serves them (it ultimately doesn’t), so they choose to hold on. This energy allows them to hold on to their story as the victim and brings them attention or gives them control and power from a place of subtle manipulation. Over time, it becomes toxic to them and others, and it shows up in their lives in negative ways. There is no escaping the effects of energy.

Third, let go and release the old, dense or negative energy through conscious effort. Energy healers (there are many kinds) are great resources for clearing. You can also do clearing on your own by sitting quietly and sending the energy into the earth or to your guides. Taking a purifying bath or cleansing shower afterwards supports clearing. Cacao, for me, is the ultimate purifier and brings with it such deep clarity. I have a powerful cacao elixir that does it every time! When in need, there’s always cacao.

So, that’s how to clear the energy when you take it on. What about not taking it on in the first place? The key is energetic awareness. When our energy is a clear light, we notice when other peoples’ is not. Sometimes, we know right away and can stay in witness mode; other times, the energy is harder to read because it’s veiled by charisma and subtle manipulation. We let our witness down.

Instead, our bodies respond after engaging with the negative energy, telling us something is not right. We feel intense discomfort; may shake uncontrollably or feel sick; our mind races, questioning why we’re feeling this way; and we can’t sleep. All these symptoms occur because our body’s wisdom knows and is responding to that energy. The same techniques that I shared above hold true here. In this case, you may need all of them to clear this more toxic energy.

As more and more of us clear our energy, those who want attention, control and power are attracted to us, not realizing that they actually can access their own clear light energy if they let go of their old conditioning and story. Clear energy is limitless and available to all.

When they do try, in subtle manipulative ways, to take your energy, often by making you wrong or blaming you, simply witness it. As they try to shift and spin the situation, even making themselves the victim, know this energy of blame is theirs, not yours. Stay as the witness. Be in your light.

As Ram Dass says, Awareness is Energy, Love, Light, Wisdom, Beauty, Truth, Purity and Consciousness. It’s all one. And you, in your clear light, are all of that. I celebrate you.

If you find yourself in a situation or relationship with a friend or loved one and the energy is feeling dense, heavy or toxic, please reach out for support. I’d be happy to have a 10-minute, no-cost session with you about how to release that energy, so you can be in your clear light. Send an email to nicole@soulscapecoaching.com and we’ll find a time.

Copyright ©2019 Soulscape Coaching LLC

The Cacao Journals: Wo-Manifestation

~ nicole

Unlocking your intuition means that you can stop chasing your desires and allow them to freely flow to you. – The Alchemy of Miracles

Last December, I was sitting in meditation and suddenly a “voice” dropped into my awareness out of nowhere that said, “You need to go to the Modern Elder Academy.” I paused and wondered why this message was coming to me now. I first had heard about MEA when an acquaintance mentioned it in the spring after she had attended their beta program. At the time, she said, “Nicole, you would absolutely love it there and you could offer cacao ceremony.” I was intrigued, looked up MEA and the founder, Chip Conley, and was impressed; and then pretty much forgot about it until my meditation many months later.

Surprised by the message, I checked in that I actually wanted to go, and then said, “Okay, Spirit, I would love to go, and I need your help financially. If you want me to go, then help make it happen.” I’m not even sure if I said “Please.” I gave it over to spirit and released any expectation. Two days later, I received an email from a women’s co-working space where I’m a member saying that they had been approached by MEA, which wanted to offer a full scholarship to one of its members. A written application and 5-minute video on why I wanted to attend had to be submitted by the NEXT day! I jumped on it. Long story short, I was accepted and was invited to share cacao ceremony (without me even asking). I was overjoyed and so grateful, especially to spirit for her guidance and assistance.

I told this story to a friend, an intuitive and clairvoyant, and she said, “That’s how manifestation is showing up now. It’s more feminine, a more receptive way of manifesting.” This way of manifesting requires opening to intuitive guidance, acknowledging the message that comes into our awareness, asking for help, releasing any expectation of how it might show up and acting when something does. It feels softer and more guided than conscious, intentional manifestation.

When I shared this miracle of manifestation at one of my cacao medicine journeys, one of the conscious men, who had bravely joined a room full of soul sisters, coined it, “wo-manifestation.” Everyone laughed and loved it (and him). Manifestation has gone all feminine on us….

Since then, my wo-manifestation powers seem heightened. In my most recent experience, again in meditation, I felt guided and found myself saying, “I’d really like to work for that company in some capacity.” Two days later, their business manager contacted me and asked me to join their team on a part-time contract basis, which was in perfect alignment.

When we open to the “suggestions” of our intuition and higher guidance, we become co-creators of our lives and come into alignment with our highest self. We always have the option to say “No, thank you” if the suggestion is too far beyond where we are or what we want to bring into our lives. Or we can say, “Yes, I trust that this is meant to come through me.” It doesn’t mean there won’t be challenges along the way to test our commitment and faith.

Eventually, the more we come into full alignment with our higher self, manifestation begins to takes on a whole other evolutionary design, but that’s for another post…. In the meantime, what wants to come through you into the world?

Copyright ©2019 Soulscape Coaching LLC.

The Cacao Journals: Cacao is for Men too.

~ nicole

Consciousness is the ability to be present in your life in every moment without judgment of you or anyone else; is the ability to receive everything, reject nothing, and create everything you desire in life greater than what you currently have & more than what you can imagine. – Gary Douglas

This post is for men (and women who would love their men to experience the healing medicine of cacao). My cacao medicine journeys are always filled with conscious women; it is the rare man who attends, except when I hold ceremony for a conscious, spiritual community near Mendocino. That phenomenon has made me curious.

Are women more drawn to or affected by the bliss-inducing neurochemicals released by cacao? It seems that way. Are women more open to subtle experiences, more in touch with their emotional body? Perhaps. But what about the men who do come and have a deep experience?

What I have witnessed is that they are what I affectionately call, “shamanic” men: on a conscious path, in touch with their spirituality, or open to the mystery of life, and at the same time, open to its subtler expression. Being open and curious are key to their experience.

Mama Cacao’s medicine is both subtle and profound. She invites you in; she doesn’t storm the gates like some other plant medicines do. Storming has its place as does gentle invitation. I have experienced and benefited greatly from both. Cacao is a gentler path, one that requires subtler perception, awareness and witnessing in support of embodied integration.

At my recent retreat in Guatemala, one brave man joined our group of women. Christian’s intention at the beginning of the retreat was to connect with the spirit of cacao, something he had wanted to experience in other ceremonies and was unable to do. He hoped that a more immersive experience with me would enable a deeper connection.

For me, cacao is a teacher, healer and guide, a gentle plant medicine that reconnects us to our deepest self and soul. I hold the space like a plant medicine journey where participants can open, allow and receive the medicine they most need in that moment. It is immersive and deep.

Christian recently shared this beautiful note after returning home to New York where he continues to work with cacao in his daily life. His lessons from cacao are deeply touching and profound.

“Nicole, your cacao retreat in Guatemala was so much more than a retreat and so much more than cacao. I have been to retreats that have been great in getting me to disconnect and relax and come back home relaxed. This retreat did all that and gave me tools that I began to use during the retreat and still use today. The beauty of the numerous ceremonies during the retreat (which varied between cacao, drums, fire, sweat and being in nature) are designed to get you out of head space and into your heart and soul so that you can integrate these experiences into your entire being in a way that is so profound.

Of the many teachings I experienced during the week long retreat, the following embody the ones that had the greatest impact on me since I have come home (and I write this 5 weeks after the retreat).

PRESENCE: I have definitely seen a huge shift towards being more present in my life on a day-to-day basis (and hour-to-hour basis). I feel that I am constantly bringing subtle things into my conscious awareness. I also notice that so many things that no longer serve me are just losing their grip on me.

JOY: One of the retreat participants raised this so boldly and unapologetically during one of our morning circles. If I recall, she said “How often are we making joy a priority in our lives?” I have to say that this resonated with me SO much that day and even so much more the days and weeks after. I became consciously aware that in the last 5 years of this beautiful journey of healing and transformation that I have grown a lot but did not have a lot of joy. I am now totally committed to making joy a priority. I am taking this in baby steps as I navigate joy vs self indulgence (which also has its place in life).

INTEGRITY: by your example Nicole, you truly inspired me to live in greater integrity in terms of my words and actions with respect to my relationships. I watch my words more carefully and see myself sticking to them and/or consciously aware when I am not . With 3 kids, I have ample opportunity and inspiration to practice this as I am modelling behavior for them.

SELF LOVE: this has always been the tricky one for me and is still the area I struggle with the most. That being said, I take time during the day for myself to just honor and appreciate myself.

STRUGGLES: I still have them and feel them. This past Sunday was a tough one for me for sure. I will say that I am learning that a lot of times, there is energy inside of me (of us) that seriously just wants to leave. On those days, I literally just ground myself either with cacao or just feel myself into a grounded place and observe it with ZERO judgment, meaning or interpretation and just let it leave my being. As crazy as it sounds, I feel this technique to be so much more successful than over analyzing the meaning, finding the message etc.

I thought the group sharing was especially important for me to express myself. As a man, there aren’t many opportunities to share this way and it is so very healing. I definitely would like to see more men participate in future cacao ceremonies and retreats.” – Christian Steiner

I invite men, who are open, curious and seeking more presence, joy, integrity and self-acceptance in their lives to experience a cacao medicine journey. Or more than one because cacao can be like a first date; sometimes you fall madly in love at first sight and other times you need a few more dates to be sure as she works her magic on you in between. Cacao will see you, love you unconditionally and support you well beyond ceremony. She is consciousness raising and embodiment medicine for your heart and soul.

Copyright ©2019 Soulscape Coaching LLC.


Crystal Heart Wisdom I: Your Inner Bling

~ nicole
You know the world is a magical place, when Mother Earth grows her own jewelry. – Sagegoddess.com

This is the first in a series of posts exploring the concept of Crystal Heart Wisdom.

Each of us, just like Mother Earth, has a crystal at her core. Ours is our heart core, which (because we’ve all been wounded there) we have found ways to protect from further hurt. But that protection or armor keeps our inner light and our love a prisoner. It’s only through awareness of this armoring and taking the time and effort to remove it that can build our crystal core.

Letting go of our armor, which once protected us, and is now getting in the way of deep connection to ourselves, life and relationships, is one of the keys to becoming whole and luminous.

Recently, at my women’s retreat, I shared a simple and rather raw drawing (done in pencil crayon :)) of the energetic aspects and qualities that, when in balance, create and reveal our pure crystal heart wisdom. This journey truly only begins, and must begin, by taking our armor off and allowing ourselves to be vulnerable and transparent. Boundaries are necessary, of course, but I’ll get to that in a later post.

To allow ourselves to do this we must first want our life to be different than it is, and to want it so badly, that we’re willing to fully see and embrace who we are. What’s so amazingly and achingly beautiful is that underneath all that armor, we are whole.

When I moved from Canada to the States, I left behind a beautiful home, a relationship, close friends and family, everything except my dog, Lola (my ex kept our other dog). I so wanted a full life and love, brimming with joy and depth, and being fully seen and met. And I knew I had to be different to open and receive that life and love.

“A loving heart is the truest wisdom.” – Charles Dickens

Here’s what I discovered when I named my armor. My nickname, behind my back at work, was “The Ice Princess”. My light was still there, but it was behind a wall of ice. I didn’t let anyone get too close and as a result, I was perceived as cool and aloof, polite but unapproachable, perfectly professional and reserved. My armor was perfectionism (and beneath that a “numbing out” with excessive exercising and heavy social drinking). Hiding behind my armor had hurt me more than it had protected me.

Deeply unhappy and unfulfilled, I said to myself, “How do I need to be different to have the life and love I most want?”  And that’s when everything changed: I found the love I wanted because I was clear about what I needed and was open to receiving it; I made new, deep friendships because I shared who I truly was and what I cared about; I became a better leader at work because I allowed myself to be open and transparent with my team. This was the first BIG step on my journey to wholeness.

So, I invite you to ask yourself two questions: 1) “What is my armor?” and 2) “How do I need to be to have the life and love that I most want?” Explore what comes up for you and whether you are ready to step on that path of self discovery because of what becomes possible when you do. You may just find the deep connection you’ve always been looking for.

More Crystal Heart Wisdom to come….

With love & light,

Nicole

Copyright ©2018 Soulscape Coaching LLC