Integration

Enhanced Cacao Journals: Ego Dissolution

~ Nicole Gnutzman

“Could it be that the rational mind destroys the soul?” –from the film, The Next Three Days

I recently watched the film, The Next Three Days with Russell Crowe and in it, he shares the above quote in his college class discussion about the book, Don Quixote. He speaks to the “triumph of irrationality” over trying to be in control.

Many come to a healing session to get unstuck. They realize how much they are “in their heads” and not in their bodies. By allowing their rational mind to take over, they have become disconnected from their body, from their feelings, from their heart and soul. Without conscious permission, they have given their mind almost absolute control. And we know what absolute power can do….

While that may seem a little dramatic, it’s a hard truth. One that I know only too well. Once the mind is in control, it does not want to let go. It colors everything pretty much black and white or shades of grey. Stark or dull. The mind understands the rational and analytical. Duality, polarity and compartmentalizing become the default perspective and a limiting system of belief.

Caught in our minds and stuck in the ingrained grooves of our neural pathways, we repeat the same patterns and behaviors over and over again. Nothing changes until we become aware that we are stuck and why, and then choose to come back into wholeness. I read somewhere that 80% of change is awareness; the last 20% is hard work.

Some, who also are caught in their heads, but aren’t aware they are actually stuck, have as their intention to experience “ego dissolution,” often after having read Michael Pollan’s book or watched his docuseries. Ego dissolution is associated with experiencing being part of something larger than ourselves or feeling a sense of oneness, which is also known as the transcendental. They believe this is what they are missing; and once they have experienced it, they will have more meaning in their lives and see life in a new way.

They also tend to be quite attached to their rational minds and it may not really be their intention to change, even though Pollan’s book is called, How to Change your Mind, lol! They see their potential experience of the transcendental as somehow purely additive.

However, with mind-body separated and not integrated, they are fragmented. And if they are fragmented in their very being, the experience of the transcendental or oneness is a concept outside of themselves. Objectively viewable, but not personally attainable.

Psychedelics can provide a glimpse of the transcendental; however, it remains elusive and external to one’s sense of self unless and until that experience is fully embodied. So, how do you make it personal and embody it? Well, you need an embodied experience.

Unlike some psychedelics, which are known to fairly reliably provide a glimpse of the transcendental, plant medicine, including certain strains of psilocybin, provide a more embodied experience of it.

Plant medicines, which have a consciousness, are also tricksters and teachers, and may choose to provide a purely transcendental experience or they may bring you a full-bodied experience of ego dissolution, also known as “ego death” in the plant medicine realm. On that journey, the medicine may show you that you have some healing and releasing to do to come back into your body. Resisting this re-embodiment can be uncomfortable, so it’s best to allow it and move through the discomfort.

The experience of ego dissolution/death can take many forms: your entire body may become one with the universe/cosmos; dissolve into light and return to the stars or become mulch for the earth; or be dismembered or swallowed by a snake or another animal; or some other permutation of disintegration, which can be terrifying because it is asking you to totally let go of control. And our mind/ego does not like that…. Ego dissolution is not all love and light and transcendence.

Master plants are teachers and healers. Learning a lesson from them is neither linear nor easy. The master teacher wants you to have an actual embodied sense of ego dissolution/death instead of an out-of-body experience of it. Ego death asks for full surrender. You are taken apart–disintegrated, dissolved, disembodied–and put back together–reintegrated, resolved, re-embodied–in a new way.

It may sound scary, but it’s actually tremendously liberating. When you have died metaphorically enough times, not much scares or controls you anymore. Your mind is no longer in control as you become more fully embodied and connected to the Universe, Source, the Divine, Oneness; and ultimately to your own divinity. To face death (even if it’s just your ego) is to feel truly alive.

©Soulscape Coaching LLC

The Cacao Journals Plus: Umleitung?

~ Nicole Gnutzman

Years ago, an ex-boyfriend and I took my mother on holiday to Germany, where she was born and lived until she was 25. One day, on the trip, we were driving our tiny little rental car and saw a sign that said, Umleitung. Neither of us understood what it meant, so we asked my mother and she repeated the word, “Umleitung.” I asked her again what it was in English and she responded, “Umleitung.” By now, we were thoroughly confused and getting worried. I quickly realized she thought she was saying it in English, lol, and all three of us cried out at the same time, “Detour!” and made a sharp turn at the last sign. Good thing we figured out the translation and followed the sign!

I tell my clients when they share that their intention is to have more of something in their lives, how beautiful that intention is and that with sacred medicine, it may take you on a detour first because you can’t get from where you are to where you want to be on a direct route. If you could, you would be there already, right? Makes sense, but it doesn’t mean the road is without bumps.

Recognizing we are being taken on a detour, accepting it and trusting we will get to our destination is a key part of the journey. On the detour there are feelings to be felt, patterns and beliefs to be seen for what they are and stuck energies to be released. To reach a beautiful destination, sometimes we have to spend time in a remote and desolate place. Even in the desert there’s an oasis we can’t yet see; and we have walk in the unrelenting sun to get there….

Whatever state of being you are needing or wanting to release, the medicine may bring you face to face with it. It’s like looking into an inner mirror. The medicine knows you are ready to face it or it wouldn’t present it to you or take you there. It asks you to look at it directly, see it and work with and through it. Doing anything other than that is what we call “by-passing.” If you refuse to relinquish control of the journey and decide to create your own inner detour, you will get stuck in a roundabout, going around in endless circles with no exit.

When clients come to a session feeling depressed or anxious, the medicine may push them farther into that feeling during or even afterwards to confront it, work through it by trusting the medicine and integrate the feelings and learnings. None of this is easy work, but when it’s done, it’s profoundly healing.

Clients, after healing sessions, most often feel tender, tired and a bit raw because they have released stuck energies, felt and integrated deep feelings, and begun to smooth the grooves of old patterns, habits and beliefs. Many feel much better the day after and by the third day are in the “afterglow” of clarity, open awareness and lightness of being. They feel and experience the healing outcomes fairly quickly and directly.

However, some may feel stuck in a transitional, liminal space because the medicine is still working with them; they feel ungrounded and low, and worry that their depression and anxiety have not been (and will not be) alleviated. I always say to them, “be patient and trust the medicine;” it knows what it’s doing.

Everyone is on their own personal journey and their own integration path and timing. Trust that the liminal phase will pass. Notice everything over the first days and in the coming weeks. Keep your state of awareness open by noticing how you are different and what’s showing up or not in your life, and learning to pause and know you are always at choice. These intentional, conscious practices are vital to your healing outcomes and will be conscious until they become unconscious and are the new healthy habit.

You may need additional integration support with a coach or therapist, micro-dosing and/or working with cacao as a daily practice, during your transition, so you can begin to integrate and embody the state of being you are seeking. 

So, on your journey, remember to notice the signs, follow the guided detour and trust it will take you to your destination safely. While it may not be the scenic route or the easiest, it is the healing one.

©Soulscape Coaching LLC

The Cacao Journals: Integration & Innerstanding

~ Nicole Gnutzman

I am on fire about this topic and there aren’t too many things I get fired up about, so if I am more direct than usual, that’s why…. This fire deep in my belly arose after a potential client asked, “When does it not work?” I clarified by asking, “Do you mean the journey experience itself or after?” “After,” he said. Without hesitation, I shared, “When clients don’t do their integration work.”

A journey on its own can be a breakthrough experience; however, it only becomes truly transformative when it’s been integrated and informs a client’s behavior and actions. When a client interprets what they received and allows it to inform their choices with conscious intention, then it goes beyond just an experience. A friend in this space has called this “innerstanding”, which aptly captures how integration is about inhabiting the space within and living into it.

As Dr. John Churchill said in his recent podcast with Aubrey Marcus, post journey, we want to move from “state to trait development” and evolve our ego development, which requires integration. Otherwise, it’s just an experience like going to the amusement park; it may be entertaining, thrilling or even frightening, but it doesn’t change your life. If you want an illuminating and transformative experience, you need to innerstand and integrate what you received.

Not surprisingly, most clients do not know how to do this on their own. A few may because they have done some deep inner work already; others, with integration support, can find their way; and the rest, who choose not to receive or ask for support, are left wandering in the space of un-integration–where they go back to exactly the way they were–or even disintegration–where they can’t go back because they have let go of old patterns (come undone) and do not know how to consciously create the new patterns they want to live into on their own.

So, not only is a journey guide necessary to the actual experience, integration coaching as part of the overall process is vital. This is why my sessions include an integration call after always. Now, not every client chooses to have the call, which is where things can get tricky for them.

Integration involves not just capturing the experience in some way through voice memos, journaling, drawing and reflection; it is a deep exploratory and discovery process that requires decoding, translation and analysis to fully receive, understand and live into what has been “communicated.”

The reason it requires this level of under/innerstanding is that while the language of the experience can be almost glaringly truthful, it is not always so literal and direct. Sometimes, tricksterism may even be involved, where the message may be deeper than first thought or even inverted. Our plant allies can be jokesters and have a robust sense of humor!

Just like in a dream, your experience may involve symbolism and imagery, metaphor and archetypes, shadow aspects, and even word play. Nothing may be exactly as it seems and requires translation. Most clients don’t know what they don’t know.

The pitfalls of not going deeper and not fully understanding the message can show up in a myriad of ways: 1) nothing changes even though that’s what the client desired in their intention, 2) stuff shows up (usually as triggers) that the client does not know what to do with and falls back into old reactive behaviors, 3) the ego (or spiritual ego) gets inflated and behavior driven by that inflation creates disturbances in their life, seemingly out of their control. Without conscious practices, integration coaching and tools, life can get old and messy pretty quickly.

My co-facilitators and I are realizing more and more the vital importance and impact of pre and post inner work on healing/therapeutic outcomes. More soon on the supportive pathways and practices we’re going to be sharing.

©Soulscape Coaching LLC

The Cacao Journals Plus: One & Done?

~ Nicole Gnutzman

Integration is a practice. –Dr. Robin Carhart-Harris

Why are we always in such a rush, even when it comes to personal development, inner work and healing? And why do we require it to look a certain way or have a specific outcome? Fast and certain invite unrealistic expectations and disappointment and leave no room for new possibilities. 

As psychedelics become the latest trend, there’s a growing perception out there, especially for those new to inner work, that a session with plant medicine is a “one and done” kind of experience. All issues and triggers will magically disappear after one session. And this from people who are usually skeptical of magic!

Yet another instance of our insatiable desire for quick fixes or “hacks” and consumerism mentality. Forcing and chasing and hacking are counter to the conscious practices and awareness that support us to live into and sustain the change we want.

Without practices focused on reflecting on the insights received, conscious awareness of what is now showing up (or not) in life; inhabiting and expanding the space within (see my previous blog post); and being more aware of triggers and having more “space” to choose to respond differently, all of which support sustaining the change; nothing sticks, not even a hack. 

This statement by Dr. Rosalind Watts, Clinical Lead for Imperial College London’s psilocybin trial at a TedX symposium, that “one, six hour session with psilocybin is equal to six YEARS of psychotherapy” is compelling, true (for some) and can be misleading if taken out of context. Integration practices post session are critical to sustaining the therapeutic healing outcomes from the session. 

Dr. Robin Carhart-Harris, Head of the Centre for Psychedelic Research, Division of Brain Sciences, Faculty of Medicine, Imperial College London, shared in a recent Huberman Lab podcast that to maximize neuroplasticity (rewiring the brain) requires “re-integration,” practices such as journaling, focusing on insights and working with a therapist and/or integration coach. This re-integration is what we in the spiritual world call doing “the work.” There’s just no getting around it to deepen and sustain outcomes.

In addition to integration practices, Dr. Carhart-Harris shares that clinical research has found that two or three repeated sessions within a certain proximity (a few weeks in clinical studies and/or in my experience, even a few months of each other) are “compelling” in achieving the most positive therapeutic outcomes. I have witnessed these repeated sessions as smoothing the ruts of old neural pathways, so new ones can be created.

I love Michael Pollan. He introduced his readers to this possibility and almost singlehandedly took psychedelics mainstream with his book, How to Change Your Mind: What the New Science of Psychedelics Teaches Us about Consciousness, Dying, Addiction, Depression and Transcendence and his Netflix Series of the same name. With that came the people who want to change their minds, behaviors and lives with plant medicines and those who just want to have (“consume”) the experience. 

Even the consumers of experiences can come with a healing intention, but when it’s not magically met in one session, their disappointment is hard to bear witness to. They come face to face with their need to be in control. Wise and sneaky medicine!

In the plant medicine world, the spirit of the plant or earth medicine decides what “medicine” to bring. To fully receive the medicine and healing requires letting go, including how the message shows up and the outcome, and allowing it to do its work. Holding on to what the experience needs to look or feel like is a form of control. I invite you to sit with that for a long, perhaps uncomfortable, moment. 

That is the lesson, the message and the medicine. It may well take a few sessions along with integration practices and inner work to achieve the desired healing outcome, especially if control and resistance are in the way. 

The client looking for a quick fix, of course, rarely can receive that message because they’re focused on what they did not receive. It’s a hard but invaluable lesson to learn and life changing when realized and accepted. 

The ones, who are looking for the quick fix or hack, when faced with their expectation not being met, may blame self, setting, the medicine and/or the guide: 1) self (why didn’t I get what I wanted? there must be something wrong with me); 2) the medicine (there must have been something wrong with it, even though every one else had a profound healing experience); 3) the setting (the music was unsettling or distracting even though it was designed with purpose and intention); 4) or the guide (he/she is ultimately responsible for everything not working the way I wanted!). 

We are so good (masterful even) at not letting go of control, allowing and trusting. That way has been modeled for and taught to us. We then learned to use it to protect ourselves from being hurt or disappointed. And it is precisely what is in our way, blocking us from what we truly want from experiences and in life itself. 

“Let go and let god” is not how most of us live. When we do get there after surrendering (the “scary” word for letting go), we come to the profound and liberating realization that life doesn’t have to be so hard and exhausting and full of anxiety-producing moments. Our need for control comes from not being open to the unknown, unfamiliar and uncertain; and trusting ourselves to respond in the moment.

When we’re not forcing life experiences to be what we think they should be, we actually open to new possibilities, deeper healing and the ease of grace. And you can’t force or rush or hack that.