Letting go

Cacao Journals: The Dragonfly & Magic Marble

~ Nicole Gnutzman

Come back to the stillness of the love within and know your heart light to be what it is—reliable and true—showing you the way even now, in peace and stillness. —Alana Fairchild

I arrived a few days early at Lake Atitlan, Guatemala to share some sacred medicine with a small courageous group before the cacao retreat. I found myself caught in a swirl of uncertainty and unpredictability with things not going quite as originally planned, trying my best to go with the flow, which at times felt more like a whirlpool. Resisting, even ever so slightly, and not giving myself completely over to the flow, can be exhausting. So, I simply allowed everything to be as it was.

Unpredictability can be Trickster energy, keeping us off balance, so we can free ourselves of attachment to old patterns, behaviors and desires. On the way to the Lake, I lost a hiking boot, the right foot to be exact. I’m not sure how; it just disappeared out of my backpack. The right side is the masculine aspect, our rational, logical, analytical, planning side. Hmmm, I’ve come to learn that everything in my world is a message. I had noticed on recent hikes that my feet were sore, which is always a sign that my boots were getting old and they also strangely felt too small. Time for new, more expansive boots on this path!

During the opening ceremony of the retreat, we were led in a guided meditation to look inside a tree and see what was there. Now, I am one of those folks who never seem able to follow the directions of a guided meditation because my guides always want to take me somewhere else, lol! This is why I let people know they can go wherever they are guided when I lead my meditations. 

All I saw was a clear, blue ball. Hmmm, I thought, what does that signify? Is it the Lake? Or the ocean? Both symbolizing the deep feminine. It was almost like a globe, as if I was looking down on the world from above. In that moment, it wasn’t clear to me. I trusted it would make itself known.

There is a way forward on the path that needs to be seen by you. It will be helpful for you to have that clarity and that certainty. You might have already caught a glimpse of it but be doubting your vision or yourself….What you are feeling, deep within the passionate love of your heart light, is true. It is real. You are being led into it by the progress of life itself. —Alana Fairchild

Later that day, I went to the Lake to sit by the water and come into relationship with its energy, which is very powerful and transformational. I decided to sit on a stone wall and because it was uneven, lay my turquoise and cream-colored (so me), Turkish towel on the wall. 

The next morning as I was getting ready to go to the Lake for a morning ritual with the retreat group, I realized I had left my towel on the wall. So, at 6:45am I made my way to the wall hoping it was still there. It wasn’t, but in its place was a clear, pale blue marble with a green, blue and white line through it. I started to laugh as it was exactly what I had seen in the guided meditation! A magic marble in exchange for my “so me” towel. More trickster energy. The universe certainly has a sense of humor. Perhaps it was saying in that moment, “What part of ‘you’ do you need to let go of to allow yourself to receive the magic?”

During the morning ritual, we were given flowers to offer to the Lake. I held one in the palm of my hand and closed my eyes to meditate. When I opened them, there on my thumb was a tiny, red dragonfly, a symbol of transformation and magic, which has been guiding me for 2 years now. It first revealed itself to me on a sacred mushroom journey in Huautla de Jimenez, MX and continued to show up in “real life” on my nomadic travels. This particular “real one” rested so long on my hand that a soul sister was able to capture a gorgeous picture. The dragonfly for me also symbolized flying around sharing my work on my travels and landing every so often in magical and sacred sanctuaries to restore my energy. More on that later….

I wove the story about the magic marble into the cacao ceremony I led later that day, which was entitled the Alchemy of Grief and Grace, sharing how we need to grieve our losses to open to grace. The lost towel and marble became symbols of loss and possibility. Many of us were grieving the passing of Keith Wilson, the founder of Keith’s Cacao and our teacher. We remembered him with love; cried and laughed and grieved; and felt his loving spirit with us because we allowed ourselves to feel it all. We realized that many of us, as Cacao Practitioners, were being asked to step into new possibilities of carrying Keith’s vision and mission forward. One of his sayings was “Bring on your magic!” 

I took the magic marble everywhere with me that week and bought a leather medicine pouch just for it. When I held it, it felt like I held the world in the palm of my hand; the world was literally at my fingertips. And, as one retreat participant shared, the world is inside me. My inner world reflects my outer world. Another shared it was like a crystal ball, so I could see into the future. So many powerful messages in such a tiny magical ball. 

At another beautiful cacao ceremony in a private garden where Keith is interred, there was an altar honoring him with flowers and a photo. As I sat in front of the altar, I realized his clear blue eyes, which always saw the magic, reminded me of my blue marble. Perhaps Keith in his own magical ways was asking me to look at the world with the eyes of magic and possibility, and allow myself to trust again. 

Life operates according to a genius that is beyond a linear approach. It is to be trusted rather than understood….You do not have to also create or control the terrain, nor determine the map for the journey. You simply need to take each step that presents itself to you in each moment.” —Alana Fairchild

In the past, with the guidance and support of cacao, I had come to see the world as magical and the messages, guidance and lessons were so clear; and yet in the last year, as I was struggling with health issues and not able to find true sanctuary, that vision and way of perceiving diminished. I had lost my way and the ability to see the magic. Perhaps it was time to see that way again, to open my eyes and follow my “heart light.”

I am still remembering how to see and trust that way again; it really is like looking at the world with the eyes of a child, filtered and enhanced by the wisdom of life experience. Wise and yet innocent at the same time. I am returning to trusting completely in the path laid out by life and the universe. I am coming back to the “stillness of love”, trusting my “heart light” is showing me the way and taking the step presented in each moment. 

As I embrace the message of dragonfly medicine, I find myself about to fly off again. I need to leave my sacred sanctuary in Northern California for the summer and have been invited by my soul family in Southern California to come there. So, I am accepting the invitation and following my heart light. I trust that it knows….

As you sit with what I have shared, you may want to reflect on these questions: How are you perceiving your world? What’s lighting your path? What’s the next step your heart light wants you to take? 

May we open to the magic that is always there for us!

©Soulscape Coaching LLC

Enhanced Cacao Journals: Bad Trip or Hard Journey?

~ Nicole Gnutzman

Every once in a while someone asks about “bad trips” or shares they have experienced one in the past–always without a guide and usually in a discordant environment–and is a bit fearful of a deep journey. I always share that I personally don’t believe in bad trips, only in bad preparation and intention.

The first rule for a safe journey (I prefer that word over trip, which has a certain connotation) is that set and setting and the sacred matter. Second, sitting with an experienced guide matters. Third, having an inward, closed-eye journey with curated music, matters. Fourth, the medicine you take matters. Fifth, having an intention matters. And lastly, knowing (and using) the empowering techniques that can support you when it gets hard matters.

Journeys are not meant to be easy. Sorry, if you’re looking for a quick fix. When held as a sacred, inward journey, they illuminate, clarify, release, resolve and heal. When a client has done the work to prepare, is open and curious, and comes with a pure intention, the journey can be joyful, healing and profound. Deep journeys allow for cathartic release, radical clarity and deep healing, all of which are necessary and can be a bit messy. When held as sacred and safe, with an experienced guide, the journey may be hard, but it will never be bad.

Let’s go a bit deeper on each requirement for a positive, healing journey and outcomes.

Set and Setting

Michael Pollan in his book, How to Change Your Mind, echoes and emphasizes the importance of set and setting, which other researchers and writers before and since have called out as critical to a positive healing outcome. Set means mindset. How you go into the journey with your mind matters. Are you curious and open or skeptical and closed? You must be able to suspend your disbelief and see the experience with eyes of wonder, not cynicism. Have you done research to inform yourself and ease your mind with creating unrealistic expectations? Remember you will receive what you need not what you want to what someone else has experienced. Has your guide provided an orientation session to answer questions and share how they hold the space, so your mind can rest? The mind is powerful and wants to control the experience and get its own way, but it will only get in the way. Prepare yourself, so it won’t. And if it still does, then there’s more work to do….

Setting is about comfort, feeling safe physically and being held in the sacred. Is the setting warm, inviting and comfortable? Do you feel safe there? Is it private? Are you away from distractions and interruptions? Do you have everything you need: extra blankets, water, eye mask, comfort items? Your journey space should feel like a retreat from the world. Sacred space feels different; it’s as if you have crossed a threshold and entered another world where the energy feels clear and clean and safe. You feel held in the sacred. To support that feeling, your guide may create an altar designating and honoring sacred space and clear the space energetically. Set, setting and the sacred matter.

A Guided Journey

Going on a journey alone, even if you have sat with a guide before, is not recommended unless you are very experienced or are a guide yourself. A deep journey is not an out-in-nature or at-a-concert or with-friends-at-a-party experience; it is an inward-looking experience, which may be and feel unfamiliar and uncomfortable. It is a new, unknown, inner terrain to be explored, not feared.

Ultimately, a guide is not just there to make you feel comfortable; they are there to hold the space, so you can go deep safely. If they have embodied wisdom, deep listening skills and compassion (you will feel it), trust that your guide knows this world well. This deep embodied presence only comes from deep self-healing, direct experience and supporting clients through their own.

I hold space so safely that I have even had former clients share that they called me in virtually and energetically to be “with” them on a journey where I was not present, and in which they felt fearful. One is a psychotherapist and was on a solo journey without a guide and thought he was “dying” (thankfully only metaphorically); and the other was in a large group experience, but had been given such powerful medicine, he lost all sense of himself. My “presence” was able to support both of them during their hard journey. A guide with whom you feel safe matters.

Inward Journey

Clinical studies have proven that positive and sustained healing and therapeutic outcomes are directly related to two conditions for the journey: 1) a closed eye experience, and 2) curated music with a journey arc.

A deep, inward journey with eyes closed allows for interoception–where you have access to and awareness of your inner state of being. Studies reveal that interoception may be deeply connected to consciousness. It’s the ultimate mind-body reconnection. A psychedelic journey may even be able to resolve interoceptive imbalances such as anxiety. An eyes open experience–exteroception–does not allow for this awareness as it is a different form of perception acting on different brain receptors. Closing your eyes matters deeply.

Music on your journey is also critical to the experience and not just any music. An inward journey has an arc–a descent as obstacles are faced and emotions are felt and released, and then an emergence from the depths with new wisdom and insight–and the music follows this arc deliberately. It echoes the mythological hero’s journey as described by Joseph Campbell. The music that is most supportive is sacred–indigenous songs and native instruments, chanting and mantra, not heavy metal or electronica.

Most clients love my music playlists and every once in a while one doesn’t like a particular song. I share that they aren’t meant to “like” the songs; the music has a purpose beyond their own preferences and there may a deeper message in them not liking it. If they are focused on the music or taken out of their journey because of it, then their awareness isn’t on their inward journey and they may be avoiding going deeper. I gently suggest they bring their awareness back to the journey. An inward focus and music matter.

The Medicine

Not every sacred medicine is the same. With psilocybin, like other earth and plant medicines, there are strains or varieties. Some strains are great for a purely psychedelic experience and good for recreational, eyes open experiences; others are good for micro-dosing; and some are more embodied, which is perfect to support emotional release, energy clearing and healing outcomes. Some strains are super powerful and can support breakthrough experiences, which should only be shared with more experienced clients, who are familiar with inner work and integration. The strain matters. Dosage matters. The consciousness of the growers matters. The wrong medicine in the wrong context and with the wrong dosage is how “bad” trips came to be labeled as such. The medicine matters.

Intention Setting

Entering a journey experience without an intention is like saying “bring everything you have,” which can simply be overwhelming or tells the medicine you aren’t serious about healing and holding the experience as sacred. The medicine is wise and knows your underlying intention. If all you are looking for is an experience, then perhaps a healing journey is not for you.

If you are serious and true, it’s best to have a focused intention that asks to release whatever is in the way of healing and to receive what you want to live into. This focus acts as a map or a guidepost and allows you to more fully receive, understand and integrate the message. Now, as I’ve shared before, the medicine brings you what you most need, not necessarily what you want, which can be two very different things. While it’s important to have an intention as it provides direction and focus, it’s equally as important to let go of the expectation of how it shows up or of the outcomes. Letting go of expectation helps in avoiding disappointment. Intention truly matters.

Empowerment Techniques

In a previous post, I shared that plant medicine has a consciousness and is trying to find a way to communicate with you. A journey does not have to be a passive experience where you only receive; it can be an active conversation that empowers you in your own healing.

If the messages are coming in too fast, then ask the medicine to slow down. If the messages are coming in a form you cannot understand or are too dark, then say, “I want to receive the message, can you bring it in another form?” It’s almost like changing a TV channel; it’s pretty amazing how responsive the medicine is. And you can always open your eyes to pause the inward journey (like a commercial break). The world will look pretty normal once you open your eyes. But remember, the healing outcomes come from looking inside. Empowered communication matters.

A healing journey requires being courageous and brave; open and willing; curious, engaged and empowered. Your journey may be deep, even a bit dark, and most certainly hard, but it never has to be a bad trip if you hold it and perceive it as safe and sacred. If you truly want to change or open your mind, or at least your perception, that starts even before the journey begins….

©Soulscape Coaching LLC

The Cacao Journals: Inhabiting the Space Within

~ Nicole Gnutzman

When you go on an inward journey with ceremonial cacao or psychotropic plant medicines, you may enter a state of being you’ve never or rarely experienced before. You may actually feel inhabited by unconditional love or bliss or expansiveness as it takes over your entire being. And you may find that you want to stay in that moment because it feels so amazing.

This exalted state of being is usually reached after whatever needs to be seen and felt, and released and even transmuted, makes more space within to fully receive that state of being. An emptying of the “old” before filling with the “new”.

Although there are certainly times, when the medicine seduces you, gets right to it and gives you the state of being you are seeking as an amuse bouche. Hey love, it says, here’s something really yummy, our “chef” made just for you….

I’ve seen clients get seduced by the medicine in this way and what happens next is ego inflation/grandiosity, expectation building and attachment to the journey experience if the client does not balance the experience with gratitude and humility for what has been received and continues to work with the medicine. The medicine’s intention is to bring you into greater and deeper understanding of your true self and your connection to source/spirit/universe.

Clients, who don’t do the integration work, either go on with their lives as is, wondering weeks or months later why nothing has changed and they are even more stuck; or think they need to come back to a journey again (and again) to re-experience the state of being as if it is eluding their grasp (it is).

In most cases, on their next journey, they are given an entirely different experience, which is often the flip dark side of the exalted state, and is a sign that the medicine is playing with them and their expectations. Amuse bouche, haha, now here’s something dark and stinky for you to digest. There is no light without the darkness and vice versa.

The medicine is wise beyond measure. Your mind or ego are no match for it. It will get you every time; that’s part of the message and lesson. Just when you think you’ve got it, it has you….

In either case, given freely or with deep release, the intention of the gift–the inhabited feeling–is that it be integrated and embodied in life, outside of the journey experience. So, how do you do that? With conscious intention.

You can call the feeling back into your awareness by imagining it (the mind is a powerful thing) or in silent meditation where you fill the space of stillness within you with the feeling, allowing you to re-experience and re-inhabit it.

For those of you who are “mind” people, use your powerful imagination! Envision it to feel it, just like a professional athlete imagines their successful race, so it’s imprinted in their body’s response.

Doing this consciously creates an inner knowing and trust that the state of being from your journey experience was real and is not elusive. Little by little as you revisit the space within, it stays, dislodging the old state of being and its associated patterns, beliefs and stuck energy.

As you inhabit this state of being consciously, it will become your new, healthy unconscious pattern. When you slip out of it, which does happen in this crazy human experience, you will know how to get back to it quickly. Now, this does not mean you will feel peace, bliss or joy all the time, but they become the foundation, the ground of your being, as you feel everything without succumbing to numbing or suppressing the energy. Allow the feelings to come and go as your inner state of being remains steady and steadfast.

That inner state of being will begin to reflect your outer and will also support you in navigating chaos or dissonance with more ease and grace and flow. Allow the amuse bouche to fill and nourish your inner space.

©Soulscape Coaching LLC

The Cacao Journals: Energy & Awareness

~ nicole

Consciousness = Energy = Love = Awareness = Light = Wisdom = Beauty = Truth = Purity. It’s all the same trip. – Ram Dass

True awareness comes from a place of witnessing where we are aware of our thoughts and remain detached. Being aware energetically is the ability to be aware of our own energy and the energy of others, and not take on energy that isn’t ours. As an empath, I used to find myself unconsciously internalizing others’ feelings and energy, which took its toll on my physical and emotional health. Becoming aware allowed me to let go and heal.

This profound experience showed me we are energy. We can be dense heavy energy or negative toxic energy or high vibrational, clear light energy. We have the power to clear our own energetic field simply by being aware and choosing to let go. The process of clearing goes like this. First, become aware of your own energy and the effect it has and notice the energy of others you take on. Witness this from a place of non-judgment.

Second, choose to clear and lighten your energetic load, so you can be light energy. Some people subconsciously believe dense or negative energy serves them (it ultimately doesn’t), so they choose to hold on. This energy allows them to hold on to their story as the victim and brings them attention or gives them control and power from a place of subtle manipulation. Over time, it becomes toxic to them and others, and it shows up in their lives in negative ways. There is no escaping the effects of energy.

Third, let go and release the old, dense or negative energy through conscious effort. Energy healers (there are many kinds) are great resources for clearing. You can also do clearing on your own by sitting quietly and sending the energy into the earth or to your guides. Taking a purifying bath or cleansing shower afterwards supports clearing. Cacao, for me, is the ultimate purifier and brings with it such deep clarity. I have a powerful cacao elixir that does it every time! When in need, there’s always cacao.

So, that’s how to clear the energy when you take it on. What about not taking it on in the first place? The key is energetic awareness. When our energy is a clear light, we notice when other peoples’ is not. Sometimes, we know right away and can stay in witness mode; other times, the energy is harder to read because it’s veiled by charisma and subtle manipulation. We let our witness down.

Instead, our bodies respond after engaging with the negative energy, telling us something is not right. We feel intense discomfort; may shake uncontrollably or feel sick; our mind races, questioning why we’re feeling this way; and we can’t sleep. All these symptoms occur because our body’s wisdom knows and is responding to that energy. The same techniques that I shared above hold true here. In this case, you may need all of them to clear this more toxic energy.

As more and more of us clear our energy, those who want attention, control and power are attracted to us, not realizing that they actually can access their own clear light energy if they let go of their old conditioning and story. Clear energy is limitless and available to all.

When they do try, in subtle manipulative ways, to take your energy, often by making you wrong or blaming you, simply witness it. As they try to shift and spin the situation, even making themselves the victim, know this energy of blame is theirs, not yours. Stay as the witness. Be in your light.

As Ram Dass says, Awareness is Energy, Love, Light, Wisdom, Beauty, Truth, Purity and Consciousness. It’s all one. And you, in your clear light, are all of that. I celebrate you.

If you find yourself in a situation or relationship with a friend or loved one and the energy is feeling dense, heavy or toxic, please reach out for support. I’d be happy to have a 10-minute, no-cost session with you about how to release that energy, so you can be in your clear light. Send an email to nicole@soulscapecoaching.com and we’ll find a time.

Copyright ©2019 Soulscape Coaching LLC

The Cacao Journals: Wo-Manifestation

~ nicole

Unlocking your intuition means that you can stop chasing your desires and allow them to freely flow to you. – The Alchemy of Miracles

Last December, I was sitting in meditation and suddenly a “voice” dropped into my awareness out of nowhere that said, “You need to go to the Modern Elder Academy.” I paused and wondered why this message was coming to me now. I first had heard about MEA when an acquaintance mentioned it in the spring after she had attended their beta program. At the time, she said, “Nicole, you would absolutely love it there and you could offer cacao ceremony.” I was intrigued, looked up MEA and the founder, Chip Conley, and was impressed; and then pretty much forgot about it until my meditation many months later.

Surprised by the message, I checked in that I actually wanted to go, and then said, “Okay, Spirit, I would love to go, and I need your help financially. If you want me to go, then help make it happen.” I’m not even sure if I said “Please.” I gave it over to spirit and released any expectation. Two days later, I received an email from a women’s co-working space where I’m a member saying that they had been approached by MEA, which wanted to offer a full scholarship to one of its members. A written application and 5-minute video on why I wanted to attend had to be submitted by the NEXT day! I jumped on it. Long story short, I was accepted and was invited to share cacao ceremony (without me even asking). I was overjoyed and so grateful, especially to spirit for her guidance and assistance.

I told this story to a friend, an intuitive and clairvoyant, and she said, “That’s how manifestation is showing up now. It’s more feminine, a more receptive way of manifesting.” This way of manifesting requires opening to intuitive guidance, acknowledging the message that comes into our awareness, asking for help, releasing any expectation of how it might show up and acting when something does. It feels softer and more guided than conscious, intentional manifestation.

When I shared this miracle of manifestation at one of my cacao medicine journeys, one of the conscious men, who had bravely joined a room full of soul sisters, coined it, “wo-manifestation.” Everyone laughed and loved it (and him). Manifestation has gone all feminine on us….

Since then, my wo-manifestation powers seem heightened. In my most recent experience, again in meditation, I felt guided and found myself saying, “I’d really like to work for that company in some capacity.” Two days later, their business manager contacted me and asked me to join their team on a part-time contract basis, which was in perfect alignment.

When we open to the “suggestions” of our intuition and higher guidance, we become co-creators of our lives and come into alignment with our highest self. We always have the option to say “No, thank you” if the suggestion is too far beyond where we are or what we want to bring into our lives. Or we can say, “Yes, I trust that this is meant to come through me.” It doesn’t mean there won’t be challenges along the way to test our commitment and faith.

Eventually, the more we come into full alignment with our higher self, manifestation begins to takes on a whole other evolutionary design, but that’s for another post…. In the meantime, what wants to come through you into the world?

Copyright ©2019 Soulscape Coaching LLC.

The Cacao Journals: Water, a Deepening

~ nicole

Water: voice of grief,

Cry of love,

In the flowing tear.

Water: vehicle and idiom

Of all the inner voyaging

That keeps us alive.

Blessed be water,

Our first mother.

John O’Donohue, from “In Praise of Water” in To Bless the Space Between Us

The tender-hearted tendrils of our earthly soul need water to grow and flourish. While the earth as element brings us abundance and foundational grounding, water brings us into relationship and connection with deep soul nourishment that replenishes and cleanses us.

As we begin to look at and embrace who we truly are, we may unearth deep, raw feelings, feelings we have repressed, suppressed, and even “managed.” Denying and ignoring our emotions may seem to have served us, but over time, numbs us to everything, not just the emotions we choose not to feel.

We cannot only experience the feelings we like without the others. When there is no space for all our feelings, there can be no joy (and we all want more of that). Embracing the polarity, the duality, the paradox of sadness and joy needing to co-exist gives richness to life itself. Once we begin to feel again, we feel it all; life suddenly feels wonderful and shitty at the same time. It gets real again. Wisdom and freedom lie in the discomfort.

From this very real place, we are invited to face our deeper feelings, the grief and sadness of what we have left unsaid, undone, unfulfilled; what we have yet to leave, discard, and let go of, so we can dive down into the watery depths toward the messages from our soul. To access the deeper truths, we must open, allow and receive.

Water symbolizes our emotional center, our bodily intuition, the deep feminine, our subconscious and unconscious; and offers purification and cleansing of our soul. Deep and murky, in those shadows true treasure lies. Dipping a toe in or wading in up to our ankles, will do nothing for our soul. Riches don’t float to the surface unless they are tethered to the mud below.

To heal and nourish our neglected soul is deep, immersive work and yet can be held with gentle tenderness. Cacao became that gentle therapist for me, never taking me deeper than I could handle. She gently peeled back the layers of all I had taken on and assumed over time, so I could look at it all (and myself) with compassion and love. Cacao slowly raised things from my subconscious and unconscious during medicine journeys and in the dreamtime for me to examine in the gentle light of day. She invited me to be my own witness and healer.

Our soul wants us to feel again, not by wallowing, dramatizing or getting stuck in our emotions, but rather by witnessing them. How do we witness our emotions? By acknowledging them (“I feel sad” or “I feel afraid” or “I feel joyful”) and being grateful (thanking the emotion for how it has served you); understanding just enough of why it is showing up in that moment (you may want to connect to your inner child and then ask what she/he needs); and then fully accepting and integrating the feeling, allowing it to move through you. This is the path to healing and wholeness. We remember how to feel without being overwhelmed.

The lotus or water lily is a symbol of enlightenment because of the beautiful bloom that emerges from the mud. It is a symbol of purity, spontaneous generation and divine birth. – hunker.com

Allowing our feelings to be met in this gentle way tends to our tendrils, transforming the parched ground of our being into a lush, fertile inner garden with a pond of inner reflection and gorgeous water lilies emerging from the mud.

Copyright ©2019 Soulscape Coaching LLC.

The Cacao Journals: The Five Elements

~ nicole

If you even have a little mastery over the five elements within you, life will happen the way you want it to. – Sadhguru Jaggi Vasudev

The five elements are energies, not things. – Stefan Emunds, visionary author

When I began working with cacao several years ago, I created an altar for my personal cacao medicine journeys in the loft of our cabin in the redwoods. Enveloped in nature and feeling called to honor it, I was drawn to the elements: earth, water, air, fire and spirit/ether. Each direction of the altar represented an element and I found, purchased or made sacred treasures (crystals and stones, shells and a bowl of water, feathers, candles, a mala and medicine pouch) to honor them. In creating my altar with intention, love and beauty, I honored the elements and myself; it was nourishing, healing and exquisite.

In indigenous cultures, the elements are what everything in the universe is made of; they are all of creation; they are the circle of life. In yoga teachings, the elements help us understand the laws of nature and higher awareness. In Ayurveda, the elements are energies within the body-mind and are guides for our health. In paganism, we are made of all elements: earth our bodies; water our blood; air our breath; fire our spirit. In each of these traditions, when the elements are in balance life force flows positively.

In each of my ceremonies, I call in the elements as representations of the energies and qualities that, when in balance, make us whole and luminous. I created my own form for this, a universal honoring as I call in

  • Earth as Abundance, Nourishment, Love & Compassion
  • Water as Intuition, Flow & Messages from our Dreams and Soul
  • Air as Clarity, Illumination, Inspiration & Vision
  • Fire as Transformation, Life Force Energy & Creativity

The elements can also be identified as feminine and masculine aspects of ourselves: Earth and Water as the feminine; Air and Fire as the masculine. When they are in balanced relationship, we have integrated our masculine and feminine.

We are all whole and luminous in our deepest self and soul; our true purpose is to remember. Remembering comes when we give ourselves the space to drop into the ground of our being, that place of stillness and silence deep inside. No thought lays in wait here to hijack us, no emotion to be triggered, nothing to distract us. To find this place, we have to give ourselves over to it. Not easy at first, but it gets easier with practice; the mere act of intention, helps us to get there.

Ceremony, when done with intention, is the practice of giving ourselves over to the stillness, the silence where our wholeness resides. As Vanda Marlow, a wise soul sister, coach and facilitator, shared during her Soul Journey retreat at the Modern Elder Academy, “Ceremony is the intentional doorway into a wider world, a way to still oneself, the mind, and drop deeper into self. It all starts with a seed of intention.”

Ceremony drops us into this space, allowing us to honor each part, aspect and energy of ourselves and drop into the space of remembering who we truly are. Through this honoring, acceptance and integration, we walk in the world in our wholeness; we embody its truth.

In future blog posts (interspersed with other topics), I’ll be sharing more about each of the elements. I also have plans to honor them in a series of day retreats here in Northern California over the coming months and again next year in a week-long retreat to Guatemala. I’d be honored if you joined me in some way even if it just means reading my posts…..

Copyright ©2019 Soulscape Coaching LLC

The Cacao Journals: Seeking the Wave of Solitude

~ nicole

Without great solitude, no serious work is possible. – Pablo Picasso

Solitude not people. More words than work. Create and express. Share knowledge. Plant seeds. Cultivate consciousness. Trust and believe. My new mantra (see my previous blog post for the story behind this).

So, you’re probably wondering, how’s that going, Nicole? Well, it’s been challenging and enlightening at the same time. Right after sharing my post, several friends reached out and said, “I’d love to get together with you and talk about your post.” Hmm, what exactly did they not understand about solitude? And the funny thing is I actually met with them (so what did I not understand)?! My first lesson was to set boundaries, which open up the time and space to be in solitude. I’m with Picasso on this one.

As you can sense, I’m slowly easing into this solitude thing. Slipping it into moments between events already booked (I’m a big believer in holding commitments), being judicious about new events and asking myself, “Can I do less and yet express more of my experience and lessons?” More words than work. The answer is a definite “yes.” Allowing myself the time to drop into a more contemplative and exploratory space is key for clarity and insight to come.

The kind of writing and creative pursuits I engage in now matter. My blog posts actually help me get clear and share lessons at the same time. I also put together a proposal as a visiting practitioner for retreat centers, a flyer for my soul sister day retreats and some event postings. I found myself asking, “Do those count as words not work?” My inner wisdom said “Nice try, Nicole, that’s actually work. The ego is so very clever, isn’t it, which brings up the power of awareness and catching the ego in its little tricks.

Last summer and fall I spent a lot of time writing a proposal and sample chapters of a book that I submitted to a publisher in December. Apparently, it needed some work (I did not know that spiritual words were jargon), so I’m finding my way back to it slowly, circling it like a cat does before making its bed. It holds so much of my knowledge about the sharing of cacao medicine; it’s also the curriculum for a workshop. Ways to share my knowledge more creatively that I need to revisit.

It’s time to finish making your bed, Nicole. Is it weird that I’m writing about myself in the third person? It’s as if someone else is giving me advice at the moment. I like it! An inner coach. And, then my inner critic comes along with a little snipe and says, “writing does not pay the bills” (see Trust and Believe).

Just make the bed and then plant the seeds. I realized that to plant new seeds, I needed to seed and cultivate my own consciousness first. I’m revisiting a meditation form I began last spring and rereading some books on consciousness that are now making so much more sense to me. I’m feeling a sense of personal momentum and growth, which is wonderful after many months of focusing on the spiritual growth of others.

The sun finally made an appearance here in California yesterday, so I went to the beach and walked, meditated, read and had deep insights about what I was reading. After I got home, I followed some guided meditations (in between cat naps). A day of solitude in nature was profound. A drum journey I took today showed me my jaguar lounging on a tree branch as she shared, “It’s not time to hunt right now,” which prompted me to write this post. I just can’t get away from the message no matter where I go!

Trust and believe–the last part of the shaman’s message–is the ultimate message. If we live in a quantum world where anything is possible, then I want to get on that quantum wave co-creating an flowing with the universe where and how to surf in solitude. Warm water, easy surf break, sunny skies, and a white sandy beach in Baja Sur (my MEA compadres will totally understand). Flow and possibility.

As I explored this territory of solitude, several questions came to me that you may want to play with:

What becomes possible for you in solitude? What do you need to do and how do you need to be, so you can allow yourself time and space ? How can you drop in more deeply by cultivating awareness and consciousness for insight, clarity and creativity? What wave are you wanting to create, catch and ride?


Copyright ©2019 Soulscape Coaching LLC.



The Cacao Journals: Revelation through Resistance

~ nicole

Letting go of inner resistance, you often find circumstances change for the better. – Eckhart Tolle

Resisting, Ruminating, Reframing, Revelation.

I returned from my recent retreat in Guatemala, exhausted, inspired and transformed. I allowed myself some time to integrate and recuperate (holding space for a group over 8 days is a deep experience on all levels) and then I found myself facing a wall of internal resistance.

I received a message from a Mayan shaman while I was in Guatemala, whose work I deeply respect, that I was not expecting. He read my energy and said (I paraphrase), “It’s time to be alone, in solitude, to rest. To be, not just to make. Let go of worrying about people. Express your creativity through writing, dancing, art. Plant seeds. Express through words more than work. You have so much collected knowledge and will gain more through your creativity. It is your responsibility to share it. Don’t worry. Trust and believe that all will come to you. Open to consciousness. Integrate your spiritual soul, your natural soul and your human soul.”

I found myself endlessly ruminating over his message and resisting it. For the past year, I had been giving my time, sharing my gifts, holding event after event, building my soul tribe, endlessly promoting my retreats and events, and after seeing how deeply my immersive retreat transformed and healed, naturally I wanted to share more of that. But his message stopped me in my tracks.

Now, I could have easily dismissed his words and kept on going, but I know better than that. I am a recovering doer. I can force myself to keep going and it’s never pretty on the other side. Ever. I have learned how to pause, listen and wait, but it doesn’t mean I like the feeling! It’s so uncomfortable for me. You wouldn’t know it from the outside because I thrash inwardly, churning my insides to bits, feeling disoriented and unfocused, unproductive and worried. I wept and cursed. I have events to plan I kept telling myself!

Exhausted from my inner struggle, I was forced to rest my face against the cool wall of my own resistance and simply wait for the clarity, the revelation, to come. It came just before, and coincided with a call, I had with a coaching client, who wanted to talk about her own “resistance.” Believe me, I did not in any way influence that. She knew nothing of my struggle.

As she shared what she was resisting, I realized that not that long ago she had overcome another resistance, and it could be a model for what she was now willing to face. Here’s what we discovered together. To overcome resistance we need four things:

  • clarity about what we are resisting or not willing to let go of and how that holds us back,
  • a new vision for what we do want, so we can attract more of that,
  • support for that vision in whatever form we need and actively finding it or asking for it,
  • seeing the opportunities beyond our wildest imagination that show up when we do let go to give us the strength and inspiration to go on.

I acknowledged that feelings of sadness over what we have to let go of may arise. Grieving is natural and necessary. If we can keep our new vision in sight to inspire us and remember that what is or will show up would not if we had not let go, then we can find the strength to go on and be more at peace with our loss.

So, that brings us full circle. The clarity I received for my own work is this: I must find new, creative ways to share my work that brings me joy (that is a show stopper for me) and contributes to my own evolution. To do this, I must take the time to be in solitude and release my attachment to my work as it has presented itself until now, so I may plant seeds for new growth to flourish in my work, clients and self. After writing this, I truly feel both stronger and at peace.

What do you need to release to allow something beyond your wildest imagination to flourish? Let the revelation come to you.

Copyright ©2019 Soulscape Coaching LLC.


The Cacao Journals: Healing through Loss

~ nicole ~ 1 Comment

A dear friend passed away this week. I’m devastated, reflective and humbled, all at the same time. Her illness was unexpected, her decline precipitous, and her death sudden. Given the gift of sharing my love for her over the phone by her family and friends, I said goodbye. And then I was just there, standing in the kitchen with my grief.

One of my friend’s favorite sayings was “good grief!” which she often exclaimed when I shared something she found dismaying or alarming. Given the adventures I’ve lived and shared, she said it more frequently than perhaps she or I would have liked! The term always felt somehow quaint and old fashioned, and was classically her.

Curious about its origins and meaning, I looked up the definition–”used to express surprise or annoyance” (Merriam Webster)–and then came across this organization–goodgrief.org, which is “a free informational resource to assist individuals and families in finding the wellsprings of renewal in the grieving process.”

This post was born because of both: the memory of her words and the resource that found me because of them. I dedicate this to my dear friend, Robin, who loved my writing and joked that she read my posts in search of punctuation errors, which she claimed she never found. May she be reading this now and find one or two. In my grieving has come that glimpse of renewal (and a brief smile as I write this).

In reflecting on her death, I came to the realization just how much I would miss her, the uniqueness of her. We had worked together for just one year, eight years ago, and had become “fast friends.” After I left the organization, we stayed close, saw each other a few times a year, and due to our schedules, filled the gaps with long, deep telephone conversations, a rarity in this day and age.

I could share anything with her because of the love and trust we had for one another. My increasingly unconventional life was an unending source of amusement and fascination for her, and while she may not have always understood or agreed with it, she accepted me and it unconditionally; and I her with her ordered closets, martini dinners, and wicked sense of humor. We made each other laugh and we cried together too. She even indulged me by allowing me to share a private cacao ceremony with her, which she, rather surprisingly to us both, loved.

To allow myself to feel fully and grieve, I found myself at the beach, where I often go to release my pain. There, I built a tiny altar of stones and shells in honor of her. As the tide rose, I wept, said goodbye and watched the waves envelop and wash away the altar. I kept one shell, a perfect spiral of a shell, as a beautiful memory of the ritual and of her. I have been carrying it (and her) in my pocket everywhere I go and it gives me such solace. I know she is with me always.

In reflecting on my grief, I came across this wonderful passage, which so eloquently expresses my experience of loss and healing:

“[W]e don’t get past the pain. We must go through it. We can’t go around it or over it or under it either. The path to healing through loss, which means the path to wholeness, requires that we incorporate our pain. To incorporate means to literally take the pain into our body (corps). We get to that place where joy and grief can live together by becoming whole. The process of healing, whether from a physical illness or from a catastrophic life disturbance is a transformational journey. We are changed in the process. The goal is not to be the ‘way we were’ once again, the goal is to be more than we were before, to include more of life. Ultimately the goal is to include loss in our love and trust of life.” – goodgrief.org

Good grief, Robin, I will miss you so, my darling friend! You will always and forever have a special place in my heart and soul. You are my soul sister.

Copyright ©2019 Soulscape Coaching.