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The Cacao Journals: Exploring “Too Muchness”

~ Nicole Gnutzman ~ 2 Comments

Hola! I am writing this from Todos Santos, Baja California Sur, Mexico. A magical place of supportive, nourishing energy mixed with the raw power of Mama Ocean and miles of gorgeous, white sandy beaches; vast desert with cacti and arroyos (natural gullies for rain overflow); underground aquifers and palm tree groves; and majestic mountains with the softest morning light. A beautiful balance and integration of feminine and masculine energies and power. One that is inspiring and unleashing my creativity. Hence the forthcoming blog posts after a very long hiatus!

Recently, my female clients have brought two themes into my awareness: one is the concept of “too muchness” and the other is feminine embodiment. Both are hot and sometimes confronting topics…so I thought I would write about them in two separate posts.

Let’s begin with “too muchness.” Women (never men it seems), who have expressive personalities and energy, are often given the “too much” label. More often than not, the person triggered by the so-called “too muchness” energy, has work to do around their own energy, boundaries and ability to express themselves. The question for them is this: “Why am I being triggered by someone who is in their full expression?”

Perhaps what they are seeing is a mirror either of their own inner sense of “too littleness” or even their own “too muchness.” Ironically, “too much” people don’t always appreciate other “too muchness.” The larger questions when we are triggered are, “How am I in relationship with/to: 1) my own energy, 2) How do I express my energy? and 3) How is it received in the world?”

Sitting with these questions and observing your reactions may support you in feeling less triggered by others’ energy, raise your awareness and allow you to choose to respond differently.

Now, let’s look at it from another perspective…. This one may feel more confronting for those who believe that there is no such thing as “too muchness” and that we are to live into our full expression always and everyone else just needs to get over it!

A recent female client, who shared she was often accused of “too muchness” said that she didn’t want to dim her “light.”

We all want to show up in our light–as the essence of who we truly are–and to be seen, received and accepted unconditionally. It is not about dimming our light, but shining our true, pure one.

This brought up for me the questions of “What kind of light are you shining?” “Where is it coming from?” “And how is it being received?” Self awareness of where our light is coming from and how we are showing up in the world can be clarifying and illuminating.

Here are few possible scenarios of how our light can show up when it’s felt and received as “too muchness”:

*If the light is a spotlight on the other person, which shows up as insatiable curiosity, questioning and a need to know, that can be intense and energetically draining for the other person.

*If the light is a flashlight or headlamp shining inward on another person, which shows up as deep questioning of their inner world, that can be too intimate and energetically draining for them.

*If the light is super bright and blinding, which shows up as full on expression, but with little to no perception of or interest in the other person, that can be seen as self-absorbing, disconnecting and energetically draining.

The key word in all of this is “draining.” Pure light illuminates and energizes; it does not deplete energy.

The purest intention in shining and sharing your light is not only about being seen and accepted for who you truly are; but also about allowing others to feel that you truly see them, which brightens and strengthens their light.

Feel into that for a moment. Your light can illuminate theirs. And their light will strengthen yours. It’s a beautiful interchange of energy and light, and ultimately love.

The light that comes from pure, unconditional love illuminates another’s.

When you perceive that your light may be draining or depleting others, the questions to ask yourself are, “Where is my light coming from? And more deeply, “What is my true, underlying intention and motivation for shining my light?”

If it is coming from one of these places of deep unconscious need, it will inevitably dim other’s light and deplete their energy:

*need for validation: seeking love and acceptance

*attention seeking: seeking to be seen and heard

*conditionality: shining your light only when you receive what you want/need from another person and turning it off when you don’t; your light is conditional.

Now, all of this can be confronting or illuminating, depending on your willingness and capacity to sit and reflect on how you share and express your light and how it is received.

Do you make others shine? Be the light of luminous love and you will.

©Soulscape Coaching LLC.

The Cacao Journals: Cacao is for Men too.

~ nicole

Consciousness is the ability to be present in your life in every moment without judgment of you or anyone else; is the ability to receive everything, reject nothing, and create everything you desire in life greater than what you currently have & more than what you can imagine. – Gary Douglas

This post is for men (and women who would love their men to experience the healing medicine of cacao). My cacao medicine journeys are always filled with conscious women; it is the rare man who attends, except when I hold ceremony for a conscious, spiritual community near Mendocino. That phenomenon has made me curious.

Are women more drawn to or affected by the bliss-inducing neurochemicals released by cacao? It seems that way. Are women more open to subtle experiences, more in touch with their emotional body? Perhaps. But what about the men who do come and have a deep experience?

What I have witnessed is that they are what I affectionately call, “shamanic” men: on a conscious path, in touch with their spirituality, or open to the mystery of life, and at the same time, open to its subtler expression. Being open and curious are key to their experience.

Mama Cacao’s medicine is both subtle and profound. She invites you in; she doesn’t storm the gates like some other plant medicines do. Storming has its place as does gentle invitation. I have experienced and benefited greatly from both. Cacao is a gentler path, one that requires subtler perception, awareness and witnessing in support of embodied integration.

At my recent retreat in Guatemala, one brave man joined our group of women. Christian’s intention at the beginning of the retreat was to connect with the spirit of cacao, something he had wanted to experience in other ceremonies and was unable to do. He hoped that a more immersive experience with me would enable a deeper connection.

For me, cacao is a teacher, healer and guide, a gentle plant medicine that reconnects us to our deepest self and soul. I hold the space like a plant medicine journey where participants can open, allow and receive the medicine they most need in that moment. It is immersive and deep.

Christian recently shared this beautiful note after returning home to New York where he continues to work with cacao in his daily life. His lessons from cacao are deeply touching and profound.

“Nicole, your cacao retreat in Guatemala was so much more than a retreat and so much more than cacao. I have been to retreats that have been great in getting me to disconnect and relax and come back home relaxed. This retreat did all that and gave me tools that I began to use during the retreat and still use today. The beauty of the numerous ceremonies during the retreat (which varied between cacao, drums, fire, sweat and being in nature) are designed to get you out of head space and into your heart and soul so that you can integrate these experiences into your entire being in a way that is so profound.

Of the many teachings I experienced during the week long retreat, the following embody the ones that had the greatest impact on me since I have come home (and I write this 5 weeks after the retreat).

PRESENCE: I have definitely seen a huge shift towards being more present in my life on a day-to-day basis (and hour-to-hour basis). I feel that I am constantly bringing subtle things into my conscious awareness. I also notice that so many things that no longer serve me are just losing their grip on me.

JOY: One of the retreat participants raised this so boldly and unapologetically during one of our morning circles. If I recall, she said “How often are we making joy a priority in our lives?” I have to say that this resonated with me SO much that day and even so much more the days and weeks after. I became consciously aware that in the last 5 years of this beautiful journey of healing and transformation that I have grown a lot but did not have a lot of joy. I am now totally committed to making joy a priority. I am taking this in baby steps as I navigate joy vs self indulgence (which also has its place in life).

INTEGRITY: by your example Nicole, you truly inspired me to live in greater integrity in terms of my words and actions with respect to my relationships. I watch my words more carefully and see myself sticking to them and/or consciously aware when I am not . With 3 kids, I have ample opportunity and inspiration to practice this as I am modelling behavior for them.

SELF LOVE: this has always been the tricky one for me and is still the area I struggle with the most. That being said, I take time during the day for myself to just honor and appreciate myself.

STRUGGLES: I still have them and feel them. This past Sunday was a tough one for me for sure. I will say that I am learning that a lot of times, there is energy inside of me (of us) that seriously just wants to leave. On those days, I literally just ground myself either with cacao or just feel myself into a grounded place and observe it with ZERO judgment, meaning or interpretation and just let it leave my being. As crazy as it sounds, I feel this technique to be so much more successful than over analyzing the meaning, finding the message etc.

I thought the group sharing was especially important for me to express myself. As a man, there aren’t many opportunities to share this way and it is so very healing. I definitely would like to see more men participate in future cacao ceremonies and retreats.” – Christian Steiner

I invite men, who are open, curious and seeking more presence, joy, integrity and self-acceptance in their lives to experience a cacao medicine journey. Or more than one because cacao can be like a first date; sometimes you fall madly in love at first sight and other times you need a few more dates to be sure as she works her magic on you in between. Cacao will see you, love you unconditionally and support you well beyond ceremony. She is consciousness raising and embodiment medicine for your heart and soul.

Copyright ©2019 Soulscape Coaching LLC.


The Cacao Journals: The Five Elements

~ nicole

If you even have a little mastery over the five elements within you, life will happen the way you want it to. – Sadhguru Jaggi Vasudev

The five elements are energies, not things. – Stefan Emunds, visionary author

When I began working with cacao several years ago, I created an altar for my personal cacao medicine journeys in the loft of our cabin in the redwoods. Enveloped in nature and feeling called to honor it, I was drawn to the elements: earth, water, air, fire and spirit/ether. Each direction of the altar represented an element and I found, purchased or made sacred treasures (crystals and stones, shells and a bowl of water, feathers, candles, a mala and medicine pouch) to honor them. In creating my altar with intention, love and beauty, I honored the elements and myself; it was nourishing, healing and exquisite.

In indigenous cultures, the elements are what everything in the universe is made of; they are all of creation; they are the circle of life. In yoga teachings, the elements help us understand the laws of nature and higher awareness. In Ayurveda, the elements are energies within the body-mind and are guides for our health. In paganism, we are made of all elements: earth our bodies; water our blood; air our breath; fire our spirit. In each of these traditions, when the elements are in balance life force flows positively.

In each of my ceremonies, I call in the elements as representations of the energies and qualities that, when in balance, make us whole and luminous. I created my own form for this, a universal honoring as I call in

  • Earth as Abundance, Nourishment, Love & Compassion
  • Water as Intuition, Flow & Messages from our Dreams and Soul
  • Air as Clarity, Illumination, Inspiration & Vision
  • Fire as Transformation, Life Force Energy & Creativity

The elements can also be identified as feminine and masculine aspects of ourselves: Earth and Water as the feminine; Air and Fire as the masculine. When they are in balanced relationship, we have integrated our masculine and feminine.

We are all whole and luminous in our deepest self and soul; our true purpose is to remember. Remembering comes when we give ourselves the space to drop into the ground of our being, that place of stillness and silence deep inside. No thought lays in wait here to hijack us, no emotion to be triggered, nothing to distract us. To find this place, we have to give ourselves over to it. Not easy at first, but it gets easier with practice; the mere act of intention, helps us to get there.

Ceremony, when done with intention, is the practice of giving ourselves over to the stillness, the silence where our wholeness resides. As Vanda Marlow, a wise soul sister, coach and facilitator, shared during her Soul Journey retreat at the Modern Elder Academy, “Ceremony is the intentional doorway into a wider world, a way to still oneself, the mind, and drop deeper into self. It all starts with a seed of intention.”

Ceremony drops us into this space, allowing us to honor each part, aspect and energy of ourselves and drop into the space of remembering who we truly are. Through this honoring, acceptance and integration, we walk in the world in our wholeness; we embody its truth.

In future blog posts (interspersed with other topics), I’ll be sharing more about each of the elements. I also have plans to honor them in a series of day retreats here in Northern California over the coming months and again next year in a week-long retreat to Guatemala. I’d be honored if you joined me in some way even if it just means reading my posts…..

Copyright ©2019 Soulscape Coaching LLC

Crystal Heart Wisdom I: Your Inner Bling

~ nicole
You know the world is a magical place, when Mother Earth grows her own jewelry. – Sagegoddess.com

This is the first in a series of posts exploring the concept of Crystal Heart Wisdom.

Each of us, just like Mother Earth, has a crystal at her core. Ours is our heart core, which (because we’ve all been wounded there) we have found ways to protect from further hurt. But that protection or armor keeps our inner light and our love a prisoner. It’s only through awareness of this armoring and taking the time and effort to remove it that can build our crystal core.

Letting go of our armor, which once protected us, and is now getting in the way of deep connection to ourselves, life and relationships, is one of the keys to becoming whole and luminous.

Recently, at my women’s retreat, I shared a simple and rather raw drawing (done in pencil crayon :)) of the energetic aspects and qualities that, when in balance, create and reveal our pure crystal heart wisdom. This journey truly only begins, and must begin, by taking our armor off and allowing ourselves to be vulnerable and transparent. Boundaries are necessary, of course, but I’ll get to that in a later post.

To allow ourselves to do this we must first want our life to be different than it is, and to want it so badly, that we’re willing to fully see and embrace who we are. What’s so amazingly and achingly beautiful is that underneath all that armor, we are whole.

When I moved from Canada to the States, I left behind a beautiful home, a relationship, close friends and family, everything except my dog, Lola (my ex kept our other dog). I so wanted a full life and love, brimming with joy and depth, and being fully seen and met. And I knew I had to be different to open and receive that life and love.

“A loving heart is the truest wisdom.” – Charles Dickens

Here’s what I discovered when I named my armor. My nickname, behind my back at work, was “The Ice Princess”. My light was still there, but it was behind a wall of ice. I didn’t let anyone get too close and as a result, I was perceived as cool and aloof, polite but unapproachable, perfectly professional and reserved. My armor was perfectionism (and beneath that a “numbing out” with excessive exercising and heavy social drinking). Hiding behind my armor had hurt me more than it had protected me.

Deeply unhappy and unfulfilled, I said to myself, “How do I need to be different to have the life and love I most want?”  And that’s when everything changed: I found the love I wanted because I was clear about what I needed and was open to receiving it; I made new, deep friendships because I shared who I truly was and what I cared about; I became a better leader at work because I allowed myself to be open and transparent with my team. This was the first BIG step on my journey to wholeness.

So, I invite you to ask yourself two questions: 1) “What is my armor?” and 2) “How do I need to be to have the life and love that I most want?” Explore what comes up for you and whether you are ready to step on that path of self discovery because of what becomes possible when you do. You may just find the deep connection you’ve always been looking for.

More Crystal Heart Wisdom to come….

With love & light,

Nicole

Copyright ©2018 Soulscape Coaching LLC

 

The Cacao Journals: our Mother Wound

~ nicole
“Every Mother contains her daughter in herself and every daughter her mother and every mother extends backwards into her mother and forwards into her daughter.” – C.G. Jung

It was my Mother’s birthday on the 21st of February. She passed from this world last year, and I’m writing this in honor of her. Her light remains bright in my life.

And we had our issues and wounds as many mothers and daughters do. We loved each other, respected each other’s choices, and we had our wounds. Those wounds certainly were not gaping and festering, but they kept us from truly understanding one another and being close.

Through reflection and inner work, I came to see and accept that my mother had her own wounds that had been handed down from generation to generation. Our wounds were ancestral and even collective.

When I first began working with cacao in personal ceremony, I encountered the whole, deep feminine, which was profoundly healing for me. The more I worked with IxCacao, who I came to call Mama Cacao, the more my mother wound was healed at all levels: personal, ancestral and collective.

In cacao ceremony at two beautiful spiritual gatherings this past weekend, I expressed how I had received the first of many healings of my mother wound in my very first personal cacao ceremony.

In my first of many ceremonies, I found myself inexplicably crying, rocking myself, and releasing an emotional burden that I wasn’t fully aware I had been carrying for a very long time. Spent and exhausted, I lay down, wrapped myself in a blanket and curled into a fetus position.

My original intention for personal ceremony had been to invite in and open to IxCacao, the spirit of cacao. It was only after I broke fully open, or She broke me open, that She appeared to me. I found myself sharing with Her how exhausted She must be from healing everyone (I do not know where that came from) and invited Her to come sit in my lap and rest.

She merged into me and I felt Her in my whole body, especially in my heart. My heart got tighter and tighter, and was so constricting that I asked why She was holding on so tightly. She responded, “I am not the one holding on.” She then said, “I will always be there for you,” which struck my heart like a lightning bolt of unconditional love. I felt loved for the first time in my life and I was able to truly love and accept myself.

I realized then that I needed to let go of Her. I birthed Her out of my womb and felt my heart open completely (and, yes, I know, this is beyond all rational explanation).

In this first experience with cacao, I was both mothered and mother. It healed my mother wound on such a deep level that my own relationship with my biological mother, who was still alive at the time, became more healthy and whole.

After working with cacao, I was able to tell my Mom, “I love you,” which was not something that our family did, and I was able to be all of me in her presence regardless of her expectations or wishes or beliefs. She would say what she had been “programmed” to say, and it didn’t bother me in the least. In fact, I was able to laugh to myself, see the Truth and love her.

When my mother fell ill last year, and I was at her bedside when she died, I became the mother, showing a tenderness toward her that I did not know I had (never having had biological children of my own). This tenderness came from healing that deep, core wound through the feminine plant medicine of cacao.

In sacred ceremony, IxCacao becomes our surrogate mother, unconditionally loving us, showing us her deepest compassion, and sharing her infinite wisdom. She is our healer, teacher, guide, and mother. She comes from the earth and reconnects us to Mother Earth, to ourselves, to our mothers, and to all of our relations. She heals the original wound, which we all have; the wound of our disconnection from Mother Earth.

There’s a deep wound in people–that they have been so cut off from the source of their being, their mother, their Earth Mother. – Francis Story Talbott II

I’ve been blessed to witness how many women attending my cacao ceremonies have reconnected with their mothers, who have passed, and healed their relationships during their journeys. Their gratitude for this healing and their radiance is so beautiful to witness.

Cacao is healing heart medicine for the mother wound in us all. I share Her love, so that we may all reconnect to the source of our being, to the mothers who have come before us, and to Mother Earth, who bore us all.

Copyright ©2018 Soulscape Coaching LLC.

 

The Cacao Journals: from Gratitude comes Abundance

~ nicole
The miracle of gratitude is that it shifts your perception to such an extent that it changes the world you see. – Dr. Robert Holden

If grace is ever present in our lives, just waiting patiently to be noticed, then once we do see and acknowledge it, what arises naturally is a feeling of gratitude. Grace is the unexpected gift for which we wish to give thanks.

Now granted, sometimes the gift may not be exactly what you asked for, but in the case of Spirit, it’s exactly what you need in the moment; it just may take a while to see it….

In indigenous cultures, giving thanks to Spirit and showing gratitude is integral to their way of being, expressed in their daily rituals, ceremonies and prayer. The indigenous peoples understand that we achieve nothing without the aid of the Spirit and that we must be humble enough to ask for assistance and be grateful for what we receive.

We of so-called “modern” cultures have lost this connection, this daily giving of thanks. It can take but a moment, and the benefits are beyond measure.

Gratitude is the open door to abundance. – Harbhajan Singh Yogi

Each day before I meditate while chanting a mantra, I share an intention, a prayer if you will, for what I would like to receive. Some days my prayer is for clarity on an issue I’m facing; on others I ask for financial abundance, so I may keep being of service with my work; and sometimes I ask for grace on someone else’s behalf. I allow the intention to rise from deep within me, write it in my journal and then let go.

Not being attached to the outcome, and allowing Spirit to bring what’s most needed, requires deep trust. It can shake you to the core of your being this trust piece. With trust comes abundance; with fear, scarcity.

Abundance is a process of letting go; that which is empty can receive. – Bryant H. McGill

Before I begin each meditation, I pause, reflect on how grace has shown up, and give thanks for what I have received. There’s a beautiful sense of reciprocity about the acts of asking, letting go, receiving and giving thanks. It is from, and into, this place of emptiness that abundance comes.

When we define abundance from a “modern” perspective, we most often think of financial or outer abundance; it’s rare that we think of inner abundance, the state of being connected to self and source in a reciprocal relationship.

To create a state of inner abundance in your life, find a way to give thanks each day. Start a gratitude journal and write something you are grateful for every day for 41 days (that’s the time needed to create a new habit that begins to “inhabit” us, changing our mindset and behavior).

Believe me, some days you will be challenged to find anything for which to be grateful. On those days, be grateful for the smallest thing: the clean water you drink, the nutritious food you eat, or the flowers that you see growing through some chains or through a crack in a rock.

When I did my own practice, I took an unbelievable amount of pictures of flowers growing through things, flowers growing freely, trees, the sun, the moon, water, the beach, and animals. I was grateful for them all and I began to see the world differently; it was more vibrant, more alive and more loving than I ever imagined. Eventually, you begin to notice more and more of the grace that surrounds you. And life feels and becomes more abundant.

To live in gratitude allows fear to fall away and abundance to appear. From gratitude comes abundance.

Copyright ©2018 Soulscape Coaching LLC.

The Cacao Journals: Catalysts and the Unknown

~ nicole
We do not fear the unknown. We fear what we think we know about the unknown. – Teal Scott

So, what awaits after surrender…? The unknown. Scary stuff for those of us who always want to know; for those who need to be fully in control; for those who struggle to have faith in themselves or in life itself. At some point in my life, all those control scenarios were me….

I’ve had my own fears of the unknown, and what I discovered as I surrendered is that the unknown is simply a path I have not taken, something I haven’t yet opened myself up to, or an aspect of myself and life that I did not yet know, but came to know and embrace. It’s a place of truth and trust and mystery, and nothing to be afraid of.

In The Book of Truth, there’s a beautiful passage that captures it completely:

To lift to the unknown, to the unpredictable, to what may be but cannot be seen is a challenge for the small self….The True Self abides there, not in uncertainty but the unchosen–the unchosen, that which was not chosen in prior time but may be chosen in the moment you sing. – Paul Selig

Being curious about the unknown is a big, first step. That’s how I began with cacao, I simply wanted to know what it was all about. It reached out and called me to get to know it. That’s what certain kinds of catalysts do: they start a conversation with you, then they introduce you to the unknown, and then you get to see what the fuss is all about.

Some of us only need gentle catalysts like cacao; others need stronger plant medicines like ayahuasca (I like to call it the two-by-four of plant medicines :)) or other entheogens (which literally means “generating the divine within”).; and still others need nothing at all except sitting on a park bench like Eckhart Tolle (mind you, he did this for a whole year) or a deeply, devoted meditation practice. Heck, life itself is a path too, just a long, arduous one.

All these catalysts can give you a glimpse of the divine within and of your connection to life. It’s there and always has been, we’ve just somehow forgotten. Once we’ve had that glimpse, we want more and that’s the beginning of a beautiful inner journey.

Each catalyst we choose, or that is chosen for us, can lead us to this state of inner and outer connectedness (what some call oneness) and all paths are valid. It’s easy to remain unconscious in this disconnected world of ours. It’s only when we integrate and embody the message of the catalyst and its medicine that we are truly transformed. We become its message.

To be free means to open your heart and your being to the fullness of who you are, because only when you are resting in the place of unity can you truly honor and appreciate others and the incredible diversity of the universe. – Ram Dass

The unknown shows us who we truly are. It teaches us to be adaptive, creative, resilient; to be accepting and forgiving of ourselves and others; to be at peace and to love unconditionally; and it allows us to experience the pure joy of being in a constant state of wonder. We can ask from this place of unknowing: I wonder what’s going to happen next? I wonder who’s going to come into my life? I wonder what my clarity and light will attract?

Notice what comes into your life when you are curious about the unknown. Drop your expectations. Let go of “controlling” life for a moment. Trust what comes and that you will know how to respond. There’s such beauty there.

Copyright ©2017 Soulscape Coaching LLC

 

The Cacao Journals: Inner Peace

~ nicole ~ 2 Comments
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always. ~ Ian Maclaren

As I sat at my Mom’s bedside in palliative care, I heard the suffering of the other women patients close by. I felt deeply for each of them, sharing their pain in different ways. I know nothing of their lives and yet I became intimately aware of their frustrations, fears and pain. I was not always comfortable with this knowledge, and at the same time I knew that discomfort, when we don’t push it away and instead sit with it, can deepen our understanding of ourselves, and, in this case, our relationship with life and death.

I have three perspectives to offer about life and death: one is based on my experience with cacao (but, of course!), the second on my understanding of the ancient Maya’s view of death, and another is based on my recent reading of Tibetan Buddhist teachings as I sought solace during my mother’s last days. Each is unique and yet beautifully resonant. May they bring some wisdom to guide you.

In my own cacao journeys and that of others, the inner voices of negativity, self-doubt, and self-blame are simply gone. Spirit only communicates through love and compassion (if you hear another voice, it’s not spirit…). When I first experienced her unconditional love, it was in that moment that I began to love myself. One of the many messages I received from her was this: “It is only self-love that can make you whole.”

Loving, and having compassion for, myself meant that I could no longer allow for negative self-talk. When I became painfully aware of the “talk,” I was able to witness it as false and hurtful and call it out. I didn’t blame it or shame it, I just said to it, “I see you and am letting you go.” It still arises from time to time, but I almost always catch it in action and am able to laugh and say, “Oh, there’s my old frenemy again.” It’s become powerless over me. The voice that now speaks from within me is the one of spirit: unconditionally loving and fiercely compassionate. She’s my inner jaguar. This is where my sense of peace and fearlessness about life and death comes from.

In ancient Mayan times, a ball game, called the Great Ballcourt, connected the people to spirit and taught them about unconditional love, compassion and peace in the face of death as they witnessed the fearlessness of the players who played the game. In this game, the captain of the winning team “won” the prize of dying. Yes, you read that correctly, he died for playing without fear.

The Maya understood that to play fearlessly and with absolute freedom players needed to be able to accept their own death and resolve all unfinished business before entering the court. According to Elle Harrison in Wild Courage: A Journey of Transformation for You and Your Business, players “could not afford to be distracted in the critical moment by regrets, unresolved feelings or things left unsaid.” Once they agreed and took what was called, the Decision Road, the next phase of their journey, the Death Lodge, allowed the player to ask for and give forgiveness, express gratitude for the life he had lived so far and share his love with the people who had made it meaningful. How beautiful is that?

The final night before the game the players entered the third stage of preparation, the Purpose Circle: “The Purpose Circle was an all-night vigil spent along on the edge of a pit filled with the skulls of previous Ballcourt winners, literally looking death in the face…. In the Death Lodge he made good his relationship with others; in the Purpose Circle he made good with his relationship with himself….and made peace with himself, his life, with all its beauty and failings. Only then could he surrender fully into the game the next day.”

I love the concept of the Purpose Circle because it gives life deep meaning through self-acceptance and self-love. So much of what we battle in life and even as we are dying are our inner voices of negativity, self-blame and criticism, which hold us back from truly living life or dying a peaceful death. What becomes possible when we let go of those voices is inner peace and acceptance.

The Buddhists have a deep understanding of death and rebirth. They believe that the last thought we have when we are dying will determine our next life, so meditating on Buddha or praying to God may well ensure that your last thought is a good (or godly) one. Cultivating the inner voice of stillness through meditation and simply noticing and witnessing thoughts that arise is the path to a peaceful mind and Buddha-like thoughts.

If we take the wisdom of all three perspectives–accepting and loving who we are, identifying and witnessing our inner voices and thoughts, forgiving ourselves and others, and building inner practices to find stillness–we will find inner peace.

It was these understandings that guided me as I sat in witness to the pain being expressed by the women surrounding me.  For one, her expression took the form of endless complaining and restlessness; for another, the quiet lament of “I’m so tired” repeated over and over again until she changed the refrain to “I’m so ashamed.” It was almost unbearable to feel their pain and shame. Not being fully in control of our lives and even our death is a great fear we all have.

There were days when I almost lost my mind, listening to the open and raw expression of pain and fear. To stay centered and sane, I had the presence of mind to walk down to the courtyard garden, with my Mom in a wheelchair when she was still able or alone when she wasn’t; or say my own pain-lifting mantra, Om Mani Padme Hum, while counting mala beads by her bed; or read Sogyal Rinpoche’s, The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying as I sought peace and consolation.  It made me realize just how important having a relationship with death is. And not just my mother’s passing, but my own. Death reminds us that so much of life is fleeting and changeable. How we accept what the Buddhists call impermanence may well reveal how we accept death itself.

My mother and I did not talk about her death at any great length, as she was an intensely private person to the end. What she did share was that she had had a good, long life and was ready to go. While she was not a religious person, she did have a secret spiritual side, sending money away and receiving crystals, stones, amulets, and spirit dolls that brought her hope. Since I couldn’t know what her last thought was going to be (hopefully, one of spirit), I said this Buddhist prayer for myself and then for her each day to ease her passage and my mind, and for the both of us to face death fearlessly. May it bring you peace.

Phowa Prayer

Through your blessing, grace, and guidance, through the power of the light that streams from you:

May all my negative karma, destructive emotions, obscurations, and blockages be purified and removed,

May I know myself forgiven for all the harm I may have thought and done,

May I accomplish this profound practice of phowa, and die a good and peaceful death,

And through the triumph of my death, may I be able to benefit all other beings, living or dead.

~ Sogyal Rinpoche, The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying

Copyright ©2017 Soulscape Coaching LLC

The Cacao Journals: Rescue Remedy for the Soul

~ nicole
Final and complete healing will come from within, from the Soul itself, which radiates harmony throughout the personality when allowed to do so. – Dr. Bach, maker of Rescue Remedy

I have come to call cacao ceremony, Rescue Remedy for the Soul, because it naturally and gently heals us from the inside out. Every cacao ceremony brings you just what you need in that moment. There’s no amount of planning that will make your journey what you think it should be; it will just be…. One will bust you wide open; another will fill you with light; others will allow you access to deep wisdom. An infinite variety of experiences are available, and they are always illuminating.

The one thing you can do is set an intention for ceremony. Before each ceremony, I always check in to see where I need guidance or healing and set my intention based on that. Almost always, I receive what I ask for, and when I haven’t it’s only because Spirit has decided She has something even better for me or I’m so caught up in my head that nothing much can get in. Even then, despite my hard headedness (if I’m in my head, then I can’t fully be in my heart, can I?), She still finds a way to deliver a gentle message and lesson, which usually is about “letting go.”

In rereading my journals–wow, that was a trip unto itself–I realized just how much Spirit has not only healed me through cacao, but has transmitted knowledge that I am being called to share with you. And I have little say in this; the more I resist, the more She persists. In a shamanic journeying session (without cacao) that I participated in awhile back, my spirit animal guide, the Jaguar, told me, “Everything cacao.” I laughed about it when I shared it in circle. And believe me, I tried to ignore it, but it has become abundantly clear that I am a cacao guide who coaches, rather than a coach who does cacao ceremony every so often.

Spirit has brought me not just deep, meaningful messages in ceremony, but paths to follow that allow my soul to fully emerge. I must admit that I haven’t always followed her wise counsel as sometimes She has asked me to do something I didn’t feel would be fully embraced by others (at least not yet) or I didn’t feel equipped to make happen like a documentary film about cacao ceremony. And yet, here I am, just a bit farther down the road, bringing those messages to you…. (By the way, if anyone knows a documentary film maker who might want to do this, just let me know. I have a proposal all ready to go :)).

Cacao enabled me to answer the question of “Who (or What) am I?” I brought this particular intention into ceremony wanting to understand my gifts, the ones I am meant to bring to the world. I was tired of not knowing and admitted to myself that “I do not know,” not just this, but so much about the mystery of life. I felt very alone and humble as I entered that ceremony a few years ago.

Almost immediately, I felt myself glowing, my light filled the loft. I realized that I was very much not alone, that I was surrounded by love and my spirit guides and that they are always with me and they know. I felt such a rush of bliss, energy, love, truth, joy and purity that I cried with joy. At the close of ceremony, I captured these powerful words in my journal: “I am without fear; I am luminous; I am.” Right now, I am feeling very vulnerable sharing these words with you. And, at the same time, I’m feeling that you may need to hear them for your own healing.

We are all meant to come to self-realization on our own path, and yet we cannot do it wholly on our own; we need assistance and guidance. That assistance comes in the form of some kind of structure (a practice of some sort), which enables a depth of discovery (being willing to question and receive guidance), which leads to the integration of the lessons (deeply understanding and accepting the guidance), allowing for true embodiment. Cacao ceremony was my deep practice.

So, what is embodiment? It’s living in full integrity. It means that what you practice is what you do. When you leave that yoga class or meditation session or cacao ceremony, the lessons come with you; you don’t get to leave them on the mat or in your cacao cocoon. It means breaking old habituated behaviors that keep us out of alignment with our true selves and allowing new habits to form that heal and fully support us.

Too often, we try a little of this and a little of that, looking for the practice that will feel good to us, when the practice that deconstructs us, that challenges us, and makes us the most uncomfortable is the one that will transform and heal. Or we simply don’t realize that going deep is absolutely necessary to our healing. Or we believe “we’re good” and we don’t have anything that needs healing. We’ve become so disconnected from our feelings and who we are, that we think we know. But we really don’t; we have to learn to feel our way through, literally.

At the end of the day, which is the beginning of your life, you’ve got to do the work. It’s not always all love and light and cacao bliss, but if you allow yourself to open your heart, the light will find you, and fill you, and heal your dark parts until your own light shines radiantly through. I promise, you will glow.

And as this light fills you with its radiance, you will find you depend less and less on those old habits that are not fulfilling you and embrace the new habits that heal your soul and spirit. They are the rescue remedy.

Copyright ©2017 Soulscape Coaching LLC.

The Cacao Journals: my first time…

~ nicole ~ 1 Comment
There is a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in. –Leonard Cohen

If you haven’t read my first cacao blog–How cacao found me–yet, please do as it will provide you with background on my journey with cacao as my teacher and guide.

In today’s post, I thought I would share my first time with you, no, not that first time! My first time in cacao ceremony…. Just so you know, I was totally new to this when I started. My spiritual journey, up to that point, had involved lots of reading–Pema Chodrin, Eckhart Tolle, don Miguel Ruiz, all the usual suspects–and a little bit of meditation and even less yoga. Heck, for the longest time I hated doing savasana (corpse pose) during yoga. I could not for the life me be still! Being a lifelong runner since my 20’s and someone with an active body and mind, it was torturous for me. Today, it is my absolute favorite yoga pose.

Back to my first time with cacao. My ceremonial cacao materials had arrived from Scotland where my teacher is from–we live in an amazing world when a Scottish plant medicine teacher, who was called to cacao, can teach an online course about a plant that grows in the a tropical rain forest…. I opened the lovely box filled with a block of raw cacao from a shaman in Guatemala, some incense, a candle, and spices to add to my cacao elixir. She also sent an extensive PDF guide, which I consumed with delight, finding sustenance in the history, mythology and practical matters of preparing cacao.

I planned my first ceremony for when I would be at our cabin the redwoods, a perfect sanctuary for going deep and doing inner work. I drove up late on a Friday, exhausted from work, with a blinding headache, and decided to not hold personal ceremony that day and took a nap instead….

Our teacher had given us a gift when we first signed up for the course: our spirit animal, which she intuited from our energetic presence online and our Facebook picture. To be honest, I hadn’t given it much thought other than to research the qualities of my spirit animal, the white swan.

I fell into a deep sleep on the couch and woke a little later from a dream where I had huge wings, which were unfolding. It was a sign, a big one. I knew in that moment that I simply had to hold ceremony that evening.

I lovingly created my ceremonial space in the loft: a small altar with candles; sheepskin rug, pillows and a blanket; a journal and pen; and lots of water. I prepared the cacao elixir–raw cacao from Guatemala, warm water, some spices and raw honey– and retired to my cacao cocoon.

After saying an ancient Mayan prayer, to IxCacao (the Goddess of chocolate), I drank the cacao and lay back on the rug listening to a beautiful guided meditation as the cacao began its work. My teacher had also shared a profound and evocative sacred music playlist to accompany us for the rest of our two-hour long journey.

Well, sometimes to get to bliss, we need to let go of a few things first. In my first cacao ceremony, I cried like a baby almost the whole time! I had been holding on to so much emotionally for so many years, and cacao broke me wide open. As Leonard Cohen says so beautifully, “There is a crack in everything. That’s how the the light gets in.” The light definitely got in that day.

It’s hard to describe what happened to me during that ceremony, some of which is so unbelievable, but I experienced something sacred, something that opened me wide to receive what I most needed. I had invited Spirit in, and I felt loved, at peace and at home for the first time in my life.

I so wish I had found cacao earlier. Believe me, I could have used Her guidance when I was in the corporate world. I so needed to be broken open then after years of protecting my heart from what that world was asking of me. I went from protecting to armoring my heart, erecting boundaries and walls, and finally, without even being aware, closing off my heart. It took a brutal 360 review from my direct reports (in sharp and ironic contrast, management loved me); two executive coaches (one at work and one at home in my husband); endless books on leadership and spirituality; and finally leaving the corporate world on my own terms before my heart opened again. If I had known about cacao then, and its catalytic power to open our hearts and access our inner wisdom and guidance, I would have been there in a heartbeat.

Often times, it’s only when we face a “dark night of the soul” that we, in despair, open our hearts; and yet, with the right catalyst we can not only open to that guidance to ease our suffering, we can deepen and accelerate our learning. It isn’t a requirement that we take the slow path to self realization….

We don’t open to that guidance because we’ve forgotten that we can. We’ve gotten so used to being self-reliant and self-sufficient, and dare I say, self-important, because we believe we can do it on our own, which is such a lonely road and one that may never reach its destination. Or we simply don’t believe it’s possible at all, which means living a life in quiet despair.

Not much of what we’ve been told or heard is true. What’s true is in our hearts. And cacao bursts our hearts wide open. And, as frightening as that may sound, because we are rather afraid of our feelings, aren’t we; it’s the path of the heart that will get us to where we actually want to be: at home, at peace, and deeply loved. That’s bliss.

Much love, light & cacao bliss to you all.

Copyright ©2017 Soulscape Coaching LLC.