Resistance

Enhanced Cacao Journals: Ego Dissolution

~ Nicole Gnutzman

“Could it be that the rational mind destroys the soul?” –from the film, The Next Three Days

I recently watched the film, The Next Three Days with Russell Crowe and in it, he shares the above quote in his college class discussion about the book, Don Quixote. He speaks to the “triumph of irrationality” over trying to be in control.

Many come to a healing session to get unstuck. They realize how much they are “in their heads” and not in their bodies. By allowing their rational mind to take over, they have become disconnected from their body, from their feelings, from their heart and soul. Without conscious permission, they have given their mind almost absolute control. And we know what absolute power can do….

While that may seem a little dramatic, it’s a hard truth. One that I know only too well. Once the mind is in control, it does not want to let go. It colors everything pretty much black and white or shades of grey. Stark or dull. The mind understands the rational and analytical. Duality, polarity and compartmentalizing become the default perspective and a limiting system of belief.

Caught in our minds and stuck in the ingrained grooves of our neural pathways, we repeat the same patterns and behaviors over and over again. Nothing changes until we become aware that we are stuck and why, and then choose to come back into wholeness. I read somewhere that 80% of change is awareness; the last 20% is hard work.

Some, who also are caught in their heads, but aren’t aware they are actually stuck, have as their intention to experience “ego dissolution,” often after having read Michael Pollan’s book or watched his docuseries. Ego dissolution is associated with experiencing being part of something larger than ourselves or feeling a sense of oneness, which is also known as the transcendental. They believe this is what they are missing; and once they have experienced it, they will have more meaning in their lives and see life in a new way.

They also tend to be quite attached to their rational minds and it may not really be their intention to change, even though Pollan’s book is called, How to Change your Mind, lol! They see their potential experience of the transcendental as somehow purely additive.

However, with mind-body separated and not integrated, they are fragmented. And if they are fragmented in their very being, the experience of the transcendental or oneness is a concept outside of themselves. Objectively viewable, but not personally attainable.

Psychedelics can provide a glimpse of the transcendental; however, it remains elusive and external to one’s sense of self unless and until that experience is fully embodied. So, how do you make it personal and embody it? Well, you need an embodied experience.

Unlike some psychedelics, which are known to fairly reliably provide a glimpse of the transcendental, plant medicine, including certain strains of psilocybin, provide a more embodied experience of it.

Plant medicines, which have a consciousness, are also tricksters and teachers, and may choose to provide a purely transcendental experience or they may bring you a full-bodied experience of ego dissolution, also known as “ego death” in the plant medicine realm. On that journey, the medicine may show you that you have some healing and releasing to do to come back into your body. Resisting this re-embodiment can be uncomfortable, so it’s best to allow it and move through the discomfort.

The experience of ego dissolution/death can take many forms: your entire body may become one with the universe/cosmos; dissolve into light and return to the stars or become mulch for the earth; or be dismembered or swallowed by a snake or another animal; or some other permutation of disintegration, which can be terrifying because it is asking you to totally let go of control. And our mind/ego does not like that…. Ego dissolution is not all love and light and transcendence.

Master plants are teachers and healers. Learning a lesson from them is neither linear nor easy. The master teacher wants you to have an actual embodied sense of ego dissolution/death instead of an out-of-body experience of it. Ego death asks for full surrender. You are taken apart–disintegrated, dissolved, disembodied–and put back together–reintegrated, resolved, re-embodied–in a new way.

It may sound scary, but it’s actually tremendously liberating. When you have died metaphorically enough times, not much scares or controls you anymore. Your mind is no longer in control as you become more fully embodied and connected to the Universe, Source, the Divine, Oneness; and ultimately to your own divinity. To face death (even if it’s just your ego) is to feel truly alive.

©Soulscape Coaching LLC

The Cacao Journals Plus: One & Done?

~ Nicole Gnutzman

Integration is a practice. –Dr. Robin Carhart-Harris

Why are we always in such a rush, even when it comes to personal development, inner work and healing? And why do we require it to look a certain way or have a specific outcome? Fast and certain invite unrealistic expectations and disappointment and leave no room for new possibilities. 

As psychedelics become the latest trend, there’s a growing perception out there, especially for those new to inner work, that a session with plant medicine is a “one and done” kind of experience. All issues and triggers will magically disappear after one session. And this from people who are usually skeptical of magic!

Yet another instance of our insatiable desire for quick fixes or “hacks” and consumerism mentality. Forcing and chasing and hacking are counter to the conscious practices and awareness that support us to live into and sustain the change we want.

Without practices focused on reflecting on the insights received, conscious awareness of what is now showing up (or not) in life; inhabiting and expanding the space within (see my previous blog post); and being more aware of triggers and having more “space” to choose to respond differently, all of which support sustaining the change; nothing sticks, not even a hack. 

This statement by Dr. Rosalind Watts, Clinical Lead for Imperial College London’s psilocybin trial at a TedX symposium, that “one, six hour session with psilocybin is equal to six YEARS of psychotherapy” is compelling, true (for some) and can be misleading if taken out of context. Integration practices post session are critical to sustaining the therapeutic healing outcomes from the session. 

Dr. Robin Carhart-Harris, Head of the Centre for Psychedelic Research, Division of Brain Sciences, Faculty of Medicine, Imperial College London, shared in a recent Huberman Lab podcast that to maximize neuroplasticity (rewiring the brain) requires “re-integration,” practices such as journaling, focusing on insights and working with a therapist and/or integration coach. This re-integration is what we in the spiritual world call doing “the work.” There’s just no getting around it to deepen and sustain outcomes.

In addition to integration practices, Dr. Carhart-Harris shares that clinical research has found that two or three repeated sessions within a certain proximity (a few weeks in clinical studies and/or in my experience, even a few months of each other) are “compelling” in achieving the most positive therapeutic outcomes. I have witnessed these repeated sessions as smoothing the ruts of old neural pathways, so new ones can be created.

I love Michael Pollan. He introduced his readers to this possibility and almost singlehandedly took psychedelics mainstream with his book, How to Change Your Mind: What the New Science of Psychedelics Teaches Us about Consciousness, Dying, Addiction, Depression and Transcendence and his Netflix Series of the same name. With that came the people who want to change their minds, behaviors and lives with plant medicines and those who just want to have (“consume”) the experience. 

Even the consumers of experiences can come with a healing intention, but when it’s not magically met in one session, their disappointment is hard to bear witness to. They come face to face with their need to be in control. Wise and sneaky medicine!

In the plant medicine world, the spirit of the plant or earth medicine decides what “medicine” to bring. To fully receive the medicine and healing requires letting go, including how the message shows up and the outcome, and allowing it to do its work. Holding on to what the experience needs to look or feel like is a form of control. I invite you to sit with that for a long, perhaps uncomfortable, moment. 

That is the lesson, the message and the medicine. It may well take a few sessions along with integration practices and inner work to achieve the desired healing outcome, especially if control and resistance are in the way. 

The client looking for a quick fix, of course, rarely can receive that message because they’re focused on what they did not receive. It’s a hard but invaluable lesson to learn and life changing when realized and accepted. 

The ones, who are looking for the quick fix or hack, when faced with their expectation not being met, may blame self, setting, the medicine and/or the guide: 1) self (why didn’t I get what I wanted? there must be something wrong with me); 2) the medicine (there must have been something wrong with it, even though every one else had a profound healing experience); 3) the setting (the music was unsettling or distracting even though it was designed with purpose and intention); 4) or the guide (he/she is ultimately responsible for everything not working the way I wanted!). 

We are so good (masterful even) at not letting go of control, allowing and trusting. That way has been modeled for and taught to us. We then learned to use it to protect ourselves from being hurt or disappointed. And it is precisely what is in our way, blocking us from what we truly want from experiences and in life itself. 

“Let go and let god” is not how most of us live. When we do get there after surrendering (the “scary” word for letting go), we come to the profound and liberating realization that life doesn’t have to be so hard and exhausting and full of anxiety-producing moments. Our need for control comes from not being open to the unknown, unfamiliar and uncertain; and trusting ourselves to respond in the moment.

When we’re not forcing life experiences to be what we think they should be, we actually open to new possibilities, deeper healing and the ease of grace. And you can’t force or rush or hack that.

The Cacao Journals: Seeking the Wave of Solitude

~ nicole

Without great solitude, no serious work is possible. – Pablo Picasso

Solitude not people. More words than work. Create and express. Share knowledge. Plant seeds. Cultivate consciousness. Trust and believe. My new mantra (see my previous blog post for the story behind this).

So, you’re probably wondering, how’s that going, Nicole? Well, it’s been challenging and enlightening at the same time. Right after sharing my post, several friends reached out and said, “I’d love to get together with you and talk about your post.” Hmm, what exactly did they not understand about solitude? And the funny thing is I actually met with them (so what did I not understand)?! My first lesson was to set boundaries, which open up the time and space to be in solitude. I’m with Picasso on this one.

As you can sense, I’m slowly easing into this solitude thing. Slipping it into moments between events already booked (I’m a big believer in holding commitments), being judicious about new events and asking myself, “Can I do less and yet express more of my experience and lessons?” More words than work. The answer is a definite “yes.” Allowing myself the time to drop into a more contemplative and exploratory space is key for clarity and insight to come.

The kind of writing and creative pursuits I engage in now matter. My blog posts actually help me get clear and share lessons at the same time. I also put together a proposal as a visiting practitioner for retreat centers, a flyer for my soul sister day retreats and some event postings. I found myself asking, “Do those count as words not work?” My inner wisdom said “Nice try, Nicole, that’s actually work. The ego is so very clever, isn’t it, which brings up the power of awareness and catching the ego in its little tricks.

Last summer and fall I spent a lot of time writing a proposal and sample chapters of a book that I submitted to a publisher in December. Apparently, it needed some work (I did not know that spiritual words were jargon), so I’m finding my way back to it slowly, circling it like a cat does before making its bed. It holds so much of my knowledge about the sharing of cacao medicine; it’s also the curriculum for a workshop. Ways to share my knowledge more creatively that I need to revisit.

It’s time to finish making your bed, Nicole. Is it weird that I’m writing about myself in the third person? It’s as if someone else is giving me advice at the moment. I like it! An inner coach. And, then my inner critic comes along with a little snipe and says, “writing does not pay the bills” (see Trust and Believe).

Just make the bed and then plant the seeds. I realized that to plant new seeds, I needed to seed and cultivate my own consciousness first. I’m revisiting a meditation form I began last spring and rereading some books on consciousness that are now making so much more sense to me. I’m feeling a sense of personal momentum and growth, which is wonderful after many months of focusing on the spiritual growth of others.

The sun finally made an appearance here in California yesterday, so I went to the beach and walked, meditated, read and had deep insights about what I was reading. After I got home, I followed some guided meditations (in between cat naps). A day of solitude in nature was profound. A drum journey I took today showed me my jaguar lounging on a tree branch as she shared, “It’s not time to hunt right now,” which prompted me to write this post. I just can’t get away from the message no matter where I go!

Trust and believe–the last part of the shaman’s message–is the ultimate message. If we live in a quantum world where anything is possible, then I want to get on that quantum wave co-creating an flowing with the universe where and how to surf in solitude. Warm water, easy surf break, sunny skies, and a white sandy beach in Baja Sur (my MEA compadres will totally understand). Flow and possibility.

As I explored this territory of solitude, several questions came to me that you may want to play with:

What becomes possible for you in solitude? What do you need to do and how do you need to be, so you can allow yourself time and space ? How can you drop in more deeply by cultivating awareness and consciousness for insight, clarity and creativity? What wave are you wanting to create, catch and ride?


Copyright ©2019 Soulscape Coaching LLC.



The Cacao Journals: Revelation through Resistance

~ nicole

Letting go of inner resistance, you often find circumstances change for the better. – Eckhart Tolle

Resisting, Ruminating, Reframing, Revelation.

I returned from my recent retreat in Guatemala, exhausted, inspired and transformed. I allowed myself some time to integrate and recuperate (holding space for a group over 8 days is a deep experience on all levels) and then I found myself facing a wall of internal resistance.

I received a message from a Mayan shaman while I was in Guatemala, whose work I deeply respect, that I was not expecting. He read my energy and said (I paraphrase), “It’s time to be alone, in solitude, to rest. To be, not just to make. Let go of worrying about people. Express your creativity through writing, dancing, art. Plant seeds. Express through words more than work. You have so much collected knowledge and will gain more through your creativity. It is your responsibility to share it. Don’t worry. Trust and believe that all will come to you. Open to consciousness. Integrate your spiritual soul, your natural soul and your human soul.”

I found myself endlessly ruminating over his message and resisting it. For the past year, I had been giving my time, sharing my gifts, holding event after event, building my soul tribe, endlessly promoting my retreats and events, and after seeing how deeply my immersive retreat transformed and healed, naturally I wanted to share more of that. But his message stopped me in my tracks.

Now, I could have easily dismissed his words and kept on going, but I know better than that. I am a recovering doer. I can force myself to keep going and it’s never pretty on the other side. Ever. I have learned how to pause, listen and wait, but it doesn’t mean I like the feeling! It’s so uncomfortable for me. You wouldn’t know it from the outside because I thrash inwardly, churning my insides to bits, feeling disoriented and unfocused, unproductive and worried. I wept and cursed. I have events to plan I kept telling myself!

Exhausted from my inner struggle, I was forced to rest my face against the cool wall of my own resistance and simply wait for the clarity, the revelation, to come. It came just before, and coincided with a call, I had with a coaching client, who wanted to talk about her own “resistance.” Believe me, I did not in any way influence that. She knew nothing of my struggle.

As she shared what she was resisting, I realized that not that long ago she had overcome another resistance, and it could be a model for what she was now willing to face. Here’s what we discovered together. To overcome resistance we need four things:

  • clarity about what we are resisting or not willing to let go of and how that holds us back,
  • a new vision for what we do want, so we can attract more of that,
  • support for that vision in whatever form we need and actively finding it or asking for it,
  • seeing the opportunities beyond our wildest imagination that show up when we do let go to give us the strength and inspiration to go on.

I acknowledged that feelings of sadness over what we have to let go of may arise. Grieving is natural and necessary. If we can keep our new vision in sight to inspire us and remember that what is or will show up would not if we had not let go, then we can find the strength to go on and be more at peace with our loss.

So, that brings us full circle. The clarity I received for my own work is this: I must find new, creative ways to share my work that brings me joy (that is a show stopper for me) and contributes to my own evolution. To do this, I must take the time to be in solitude and release my attachment to my work as it has presented itself until now, so I may plant seeds for new growth to flourish in my work, clients and self. After writing this, I truly feel both stronger and at peace.

What do you need to release to allow something beyond your wildest imagination to flourish? Let the revelation come to you.

Copyright ©2019 Soulscape Coaching LLC.