Uncategorized

The Cacao Journals: You Can’t Get There from Here….

~ Nicole Gnutzman ~ 2 Comments

You know the old saying, “You can’t get there from here?” Well, when it comes to joy, it’s absolutely and uncomfortably true.

So many of my clients when we meet to talk about their intentions for their session, say “I want joy in my life again.” Their intention is so beautiful and attainable; however, I always share that they will likely have to go through discomfort (and denied feelings) to reach that joy.

Discomfort. It’s probably making you feel uncomfortable even just seeing or contemplating the word. 

We naturally seek comfort. And we can take this desire to an extreme by controlling everything and everyone we feel, touch or interact with, so we’re “comfortable.” You may not even realize you are trying to control because it may not look like what you think being in control is.

Being in control looks like managing or denying our feelings until we’re numb. Or avoiding challenging conversations and relations because it’s hard. Or not asking for what we need because that makes us or others uncomfortable. Or when we do ask, our needs control the situation, and we actually don’t end up with what we want.

Trying to control life and people by avoiding discomfort does not allow energy to flow naturally—theirs, yours or life’s. No wonder you feel stuck. And life feels joyless and stagnant. 

Life and joy are not predictable and controllable, no matter how much we try. Life brings curve balls and takes us down unintended paths. Joy is spontaneous and silly and full of wonder. It erupts from our bellies in laughter and snorts out our noses. Joy just emerges and is. A life that is joyful does too. 

When you first started to shut down your feelings—sadness, anger, disappointment—or gave discomfort a wide berth, you began the long road of denying yourself joy. Defending yourself from feeling and getting hurt, created a road block to joy. Your detour toward destination control took you miles away from joy.

My clients want joy in their lives again so much, they begin our sessions hopeful. 10, 20 or 30 or 40 years of being stuck and joyless doesn’t resolve itself all at once. More often than not, the ones who are really stuck and have tried to control every aspect of their lives, cannot let go of control all at once. They “think” they are open, but they aren’t at a deeper level. Believe me, I was once there myself.

When they can’t drop in or let go, they begin to blame themselves, me, the “medicine” or all of the above. They often say, “I’m trying to let go” as if it is something they can control. Clenching and forcing, which may have worked before as control strategies, are not the way letting go works….

They become so uncomfortable with their inability to let go, they come face to face with their unconscious resistance. It can be challenging to witness and it’s almost unbearable for them.

Their defense mechanisms won’t allow them to drop into the experience because that means letting go of control. Their ego is afraid of the free fall, believing there is nothing there to catch them. 

I recently had an experience in a sacred medicine ceremony in Mexico where I dropped in super quickly and my entire being began dissolving, which is a familiar form of ego death or dissolution, a way for defense mechanisms to fall away. I’ve experienced this so many times, I no longer have any fear as I know my essential self is what remains. It is there to “catch” and hold me. And yet, this time, I still found myself resisting at some level. 

I knew what was going on, so I just gave myself over (surrendered) to it without resisting whatever needed to be felt or experienced. Huge sighs emerged spontaneously out of me until my resistance fell away. I felt so tender and such tenderness, the perfect antidote to the burden and soul weariness I had been carrying into the experience. I came out of the experience open, gentle, more tender, relieved of my burden and yet strong. I felt a renewed sense of joy, wonder and love of life. I had been resisting my own need for tenderness and received such blessings from letting go.

With my clients, I find ways to make their essential self felt seen, held and safe while gently prying each finger away from holding on to control. The initial release often starts with tears or feeling so uncomfortable, there’s nothing for them to do, but surrender to relieve the discomfort. Most get there fully and a few partially, enough to experience some relief and realize the greater message about letting go. 

Taking in the message and then bringing that understanding into life by choosing and responding differently (breaking the stuck pattern) are key to regaining joy and living from the essential self. I remind myself and am grateful every day of what I received during my experiences, so it sticks and my old pattern does not.

The journey back to joy is one that asks you (and not always gently) to allow yourself to feel everything and move through the discomfort. It’s a journey so worth taking. 

©Soulscape Coaching LLC

The Cacao Journals: Disconnect from the Static

~ nicole

“I love how disconnected you are to the static,” a dear friend and soul sister shared with me. We had just had a conversation about how some of our spiritually minded friends were in fear, assigning blame or credit to what’s going on right now and attaching theories to them.

This move toward wanting to understand; being certain of something, of anything; finding the culprit “behind” the pandemic, wildfires, and lightning storms is disconcerting, disconnecting and ungrounding. Right now, more than ever we need to feel connected and grounded.

This “need to know” has affected our ability to, as Buddhist teacher, Pema Chodron, “be uncomfortable with uncertainty” and “embrace the unknown.” Our rational minds want to make sense of it all and our ego is having a fear-filled field day. And when it all comes down to it, the unknown is, well, unknown.

For those of us on a spiritual path, when we seek certainty, we are not honoring the teachings of our traditions or ourselves. Many of us have let go of ego attachment to our identities, limiting beliefs, assumptions. judgments along with larger belief systems and structures (social, political, economic) that attempt to make sense of, structure and even control.

And here we are, the ones who usually guide others to stay connected and grounded, caught up in the static, the noise, the disruptive, controlling forces that we have worked so hard to see and release attachment to. In fear, we are creating new belief structures to latch onto. Let’s open our eyes and see it for what it is….

In many spiritual traditions and in the Quantum world, all possibilities exist. What if extraterrestrials are trying to save or harm us? What if the conspiracy theories are true? They are only “true” because we make them so. Our energy, thoughts and focus make possibilities more possible. What if we chose to focus on the possibility we want, not the one we fear.

Free yourself of the burden of fear, blame and attachment. Hold a higher possibility in your mind and hearts. Invite in the highest possible outcome, whatever that is. Transform uncertainty into possibility. Live in flow not fear.

Photo by Ron Purdy.

No one and nothing is in control unless we allow them through our own resistance and fear. Disconnect from the static and reconnect to yourself, your inner light and wisdom. Allow that to be your guide in these tumultuous times and be a guide to lead us through. That’s my possibility.

Fueled, connected and inspired by daily cacao….

Copyright ©2020 Soulscape Coaching LLC.

The Cacao Journals: Revelation through Resistance

~ nicole

Letting go of inner resistance, you often find circumstances change for the better. – Eckhart Tolle

Resisting, Ruminating, Reframing, Revelation.

I returned from my recent retreat in Guatemala, exhausted, inspired and transformed. I allowed myself some time to integrate and recuperate (holding space for a group over 8 days is a deep experience on all levels) and then I found myself facing a wall of internal resistance.

I received a message from a Mayan shaman while I was in Guatemala, whose work I deeply respect, that I was not expecting. He read my energy and said (I paraphrase), “It’s time to be alone, in solitude, to rest. To be, not just to make. Let go of worrying about people. Express your creativity through writing, dancing, art. Plant seeds. Express through words more than work. You have so much collected knowledge and will gain more through your creativity. It is your responsibility to share it. Don’t worry. Trust and believe that all will come to you. Open to consciousness. Integrate your spiritual soul, your natural soul and your human soul.”

I found myself endlessly ruminating over his message and resisting it. For the past year, I had been giving my time, sharing my gifts, holding event after event, building my soul tribe, endlessly promoting my retreats and events, and after seeing how deeply my immersive retreat transformed and healed, naturally I wanted to share more of that. But his message stopped me in my tracks.

Now, I could have easily dismissed his words and kept on going, but I know better than that. I am a recovering doer. I can force myself to keep going and it’s never pretty on the other side. Ever. I have learned how to pause, listen and wait, but it doesn’t mean I like the feeling! It’s so uncomfortable for me. You wouldn’t know it from the outside because I thrash inwardly, churning my insides to bits, feeling disoriented and unfocused, unproductive and worried. I wept and cursed. I have events to plan I kept telling myself!

Exhausted from my inner struggle, I was forced to rest my face against the cool wall of my own resistance and simply wait for the clarity, the revelation, to come. It came just before, and coincided with a call, I had with a coaching client, who wanted to talk about her own “resistance.” Believe me, I did not in any way influence that. She knew nothing of my struggle.

As she shared what she was resisting, I realized that not that long ago she had overcome another resistance, and it could be a model for what she was now willing to face. Here’s what we discovered together. To overcome resistance we need four things:

  • clarity about what we are resisting or not willing to let go of and how that holds us back,
  • a new vision for what we do want, so we can attract more of that,
  • support for that vision in whatever form we need and actively finding it or asking for it,
  • seeing the opportunities beyond our wildest imagination that show up when we do let go to give us the strength and inspiration to go on.

I acknowledged that feelings of sadness over what we have to let go of may arise. Grieving is natural and necessary. If we can keep our new vision in sight to inspire us and remember that what is or will show up would not if we had not let go, then we can find the strength to go on and be more at peace with our loss.

So, that brings us full circle. The clarity I received for my own work is this: I must find new, creative ways to share my work that brings me joy (that is a show stopper for me) and contributes to my own evolution. To do this, I must take the time to be in solitude and release my attachment to my work as it has presented itself until now, so I may plant seeds for new growth to flourish in my work, clients and self. After writing this, I truly feel both stronger and at peace.

What do you need to release to allow something beyond your wildest imagination to flourish? Let the revelation come to you.

Copyright ©2019 Soulscape Coaching LLC.


The Cacao Journals: Intention & the Soul of the Universe

~ nicole

You are what your deepest desire is. As your desire is, so is your intention. As your intention is, so is your will. As your will is, so is your deed. As your deed is, so is your destiny. – Upanishads

With the new year almost upon us, intention setting is everywhere. Intentions are the new resolutions. Resolutions tend to come with a state of doing: striving, wanting, and forcing. Intentions come with a state of being: listening deeply, allowing clarity to arise and making conscious choices. Sometimes we mix the two and can make a right mess of it, thinking our way into an intention, forcing the outcome, and being terribly disappointed. Familiar past terrain for me.

Setting an intention that comes from the ground of our being (the place that connects head and heart) is the first key to creating what we desire. A beautiful way to set mindful and heartful intentions is to allow them to arise into our awareness from a place of stillness and silence.

A few weeks ago, I was meditating and an intention arose into my awareness. It came out of (almost) nowhere and surprised me. It told me that I was to attend a retreat I had first learned about in the spring from a friend. She had attended a beta test of a new program at a retreat center just south of Todos Santos, Baja MX and thought the program would be perfect for me. She also knew how much I loved Todos Santos, where I have vacationed many times.

I was intrigued and filed it away, not quite dismissing it but not knowing when or how I would be able to attend. During that meditation, it popped back into my awareness with such crystal clarity. My intention setting in the past tended to be less specific, more of a suggestion than an intention. In this case, my intention was glaringly specific and I declared it out loud: “I am going to the retreat. I don’t know how or when, but I am going.” Just saying it felt powerful. I let go without expectation or attachment, trusting that the universe would conspire on my behalf.

The following Sunday, I received an email from an online community board, of which I am a member, sharing that the retreat center was offering a scholarship for an upcoming two-week immersive retreat, but we had to apply online by Monday. I was astounded, overjoyed and inspired. I jumped on it! I submitted my application and the next day was contacted by one of the facilitators, who had attended one of my cacao medicine journeys and recognized my name. What are the chances of that?

At the end of the week, I found out that I was accepted for a full scholarship. It’s amazing when we get clear and ask, what we can manifest…. I have to admit that my manifestation powers are not always exactly “powerful.” When I am clear, they are. When I have no expectations of when or how what I am wanting to manifest shows up, they are. When I am unattached to outcome, they are.

This New Year’s, or better yet whenever you can, take a moment to sit in silence and allow a desired intention to come into your awareness. What arises may seem to come out of nowhere, but trust it. Give it power and strength by declaring it and then let it go. Have faith that it will come. Watch for the signs and act on them when you need to. Tell me when it shows up. I would so love to hear from you….

For the holidays, I picked up a few books from the library to read while snuggled up by the fire. One of them was The Alchemist, which even though I read it many years ago, I felt compelled to reread. I leave you with two quotes from the book that seem designed just for this post:

“[W]hen you really want something, it’s because that desire originated in the soul of the universe. It’s your mission on earth…. And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you achieve it.”

“[T]ry to make your own decisions…. don’t forget the language of the omens. And, above all, don’t forget to follow your Personal Legend through to its conclusion.”

On New Year’s Eve from 6:00-7:30pm join me at Harmonia in Sausalito or on January 5th at Soulstice Mind + Body Spa to allow your intention for the new year to emerge with the assistance of cacao medicine. To practice your manifestation powers, set an intention to come to my You are Luminous retreat, February 16-23 at Lake Atitlan, Guatemala. Just two spots left.

Many blessings and much joy to you this holiday season!

Copyright ©2018 Soulscape Coaching.


Crystal Heart Wisdom III: Sovereignty, boundaries and the medicine shield

~ nicole
Boundaries define us. They define what is me and not me. A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins, leading to a sense of ownership. Knowing what I am to own and take responsibility for gives me freedom. – Henry Cloud

Boundaries are a theme in my life lately. I’m witnessing those who are armored, keeping their hearts so protected against hurt; and then others, myself included, who have allowed ourselves to merge in various degrees with our partners and spouses; we no longer know where we end and they begin…. In either case, whether we need to let our armor down or unmerge, we need to rediscover our sovereignty.

When we honor ourselves by de-armoring or unmerging, we can begin to look closely and understand the essence of who we truly are. When we understand who we are as sovereign beings, we gain clarity about how we need to be in the world; what we need to have in our lives to embody who we are becoming; what we want to feel and experience, and what we need to do  to ensure all that being, becoming, embodying and having.

On this deep, inner journey, we learn what we stand for. Sometimes it’s easier at first to know what we stand against, but the for is so much more powerful and transformative. When we know who we are and what we’re for, this defines us and becomes how we define our boundaries. This is where our inner power comes from.

A happy soul is the best shield for a cruel world. – Atticus

In Native American traditions, medicine shields are symbols of that inner power, those defining boundaries. They are “sacred, symbolic objects reflecting the personal vision and ‘medicine’ or spirit-guided inherent powers” (warpathstopeacepipes.com) of those who make and carry them. They hold the sacred intentions and even the soul’s path of the shield carriers.

A medicine shield is “seen” after retrieving a power animal on a vision quest or drum journey because the power animal is your inner power; its qualities and energies are yours to embody; and after interpreting your dreams, when spirit animals often come to visit. The shield is made of leather stretched around a hoop and then painted and decorated with sacred symbols to honor your spirit and power animals. It becomes a mirror of your highest self.

I know it’s time for me to create my medicine shield, for me to be fully in my sovereignty. May it be yours too…. I am so deeply aware of how we all need to set healthy boundaries; and so taken with the idea of creating a living emblem, a medicine shield, of who we are becoming and what we stand for, so we can be in our power and sovereignty, that I’m committed to creating a workshop series just for this. More on that offering soon….

Copyright ©2018 Soulscape Coaching LLC

 

 

 

The Cacao Journals: Holding space

~ nicole
The blessing of letting go is creating and holding sacred space for healing. – Debra L. Reble

In my own personal work with cacao, I found this to be true, that it was in letting go of my mind, my need to be in control, and my disbelief that I created sacred space (an emptiness) within that held me, so I could begin to heal and feel whole.

This is what holding sacred space is:  creating a safe receptacle or container where things can fall apart, disintegrate, and dissolve, and then come back together again more whole than before.

When I hold sacred space in group ceremony, the process is similar. While each participant must create their own container to receive the wisdom, guidance or medicine that they most need in that moment, I hold the energy of the entire space, so that each person can trust that they will feel held and supported on their journey.

To do this well, I have to create with devotion and intention, and be completely present in the moment.

When I co-create ceremony with Spirit, I often receive a “download” of a theme. Sometimes it feels more like an “upload” as it emerges from the ground of my being. I might at first just receive one word such as “Grace” or “Gratitude” and then it starts to flow. My opening words and guided meditations often just arrive, although I do write them down (you can’t take the writer or editor out of me).

The music playlist is the same. It all just comes together in perfect harmony. If at any point, I begin to think too much about it, that’s when it becomes a struggle. And that’s when walk away for a little while….

My presence on the day of ceremony starts with grinding the cacao while I listen to the sacred music. It is both devotional and intentional as I honor and bless the cacao.

On my way to ceremony, I select flowers for the altar that reflect the theme of the day and reflect on what can grace the altar in addition to my sacred “always” pieces.

When I arrive at the studio to set up, I am fully present with each action–unpacking, checking the sound, setting up the altar, making the cacao elixir and greeting the guests–and the act of being fully present with each begins to create sacred space and fills the space with light energy.

By the time ceremony begins, I am fully there, both in my body and out of it; an embodied presencing, connected to spirit through the ground of my being.

It’s rare that an outside thought intrudes and when it does, I notice, laugh to myself and send it away. The music keeps me quite present and in the moment I often dance (while seated) as I hold space for everyone’s journeys. Clearly, I am as nourished by the experience as they are….

Sacred space brings us such clarity, nourishment and healing when we create it for ourselves and others. It asks us to be intentional, devotional, and present. It’s in the noticing of what we receive from it that we can answer the call. Begin by simply noticing.

Copyright ©2018 Soulscape Coaching LLC

 

 

Positive intentions & good vibrations: we need more of those….

~ Nicole Gnutzman ~ 2 Comments
When you have clarity of intention the universe conspires with you to make it happen. – Fabienne Fredrickson
An intention synchronistically organizes its own fulfillment. – Deepak Chopra

img_3752Positive intentions set good vibrations in motion. Maybe that’s what the Beach Boys’ song was all about…. Or maybe it was just a song about mutual attraction. In either case, when we set positive intentions and send good energy out; good energy comes back.

Just this past week, three of my clients wanted to set and declare an intention: one around relationship, another around purpose and a third around boundaries. Each needed a little guidance on how to set powerful, positive intentions, so I thought I would share some tips here.

As I guided them toward creating their intention, I could not only feel their energy rising in a positive way, but also mine. Fringe benefits to doing the work I do :). And I was so inspired by witnessing the beauty of intention setting that I decided to set my own….

An intention is a positive, guiding principle for how you want to be, live and show up in the world or for what you want to show up in your world such as the ideal mate, client, work or anything you want to manifest.

Positive intentions are just that: positive. They declare in positive terms and in the present tense what we are or want, not what we aren’t or don’t want because those nasty “n’t” words have negative energy attached to them, send confusing messages to Spirit, and when we really feel into them, make us feel kind of crappy.

If you’re struggling with an intention and have no idea where to start, it’s ok to list what you don’t want or how you don’t want to be. A “not this” list can be very clarifying as to what you do want. Just make sure you find a way to let go of that list and its negative energy (burning the list in a bowl is a great way to do that).

A beautiful, positive intention is not a list (this is very critical to note); it is a statement in life-affirming words of your intention. Allow it to emerge from deep within you (feel into it) and it will naturally be aligned with life and Spirit. After all, she is the one who really makes it happen when you release your beautiful intention to Her.

I’ll demonstrate. This is my intention for how I am in my work:

img_3101“I am a soul warrior, a guide, a pathmaker, a light of possibility, who embodies my soul gifts, acts in integrity with my soul’s path, speaks the truth wisely, shares my voice for transformation, is powerful and empowering, fiercely compassionate and caring; I adore, value and respect my clients as they do me, my gifts, my time and my wisdom.” When I wrote this, just this morning, it flowed. And when I read it out loud to my husband, he closed his eyes and said it was beautiful and true. Love him.

And this was my husband Scott’s intention for manifesting a loving partner (that would be me :)) 11 years ago:

“I want a healthy, abundant, nourishing relationship with a whole, happy, beautiful and creative woman.”That’s it; so simple and yet it has such depth of meaning. And I showed up seven days later….

Here’s one more from a client, who was making everyone else’s needs a priority over her own, wanted to reclaim her power and her creativity, and set better boundaries with her customers and in her personal relationships:

“I am powerful, I prioritize me and my creative side, I am valued and paid well for my work, and I love my customers, who value, respect and appreciate me and my creative gifts.” She felt that its guiding power would help her make positive, life-affirming plans for herself and her business.

img_3755Can you feel your own energy rising as you read these intentions? Are you feeling inspired to write one of your own?

I’d love to have you share your intention either here as a comment or send me a private email, so I can celebrate you and who you are becoming or what you are inviting into your life!

Feel into and write your intention. Be guided by it. Say it out loud. Make it your daily mantra. Let it inspire you. Spirit has your back on this.

Copyright ©2017 Soulscape Coaching LLC

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Happy Valentine’s to the Eagle & the Condor, may they be one again

~ Nicole Gnutzman
I honor myself…As the divine feminine blends with the masculine. I now come into balance. – Trudy Vesotsky
When the sacred masculine is combined with the sacred feminine inside each of us, we create the “sacred marriage”of compassion and passion in ourselves. –Matthew Fox

img_2816This past Saturday, I held cacao ceremony for a women’s group and their partners in a gorgeous yurt nestled in the redwoods. To honor their coming together as couples in ceremony, which is a rare and beautiful thing, I created a theme that called on western astrology, Mayan cosmology and Amazon prophecy to reflect the energy of the divine feminine and masculine. I knew it would be a wild ride full of potentiality, which in itself is such a luscious word full of rich, nuanced meaning, that I simply had to share the experience here with you.

This past New Moon on January 28th was in Aquarius, an Air sign, that is independent, innovative, rebellious, evolutionary and brings the winds of change and inspiration. It is full of spirit energy, symbolizing “the eternal giving of life and spiritual food of the world.” * Aquarius brings the gift of expanded consciousness, a paradigm shift towards “love, inclusion and integrity”* while balancing intellect and insight, intuitive energy and integrated, transformative power. It is a powerhouse of the most inspired qualities of the divine masculine and the divine feminine.

img_3716

Right now we are all being called to awaken together to use our voices and power to defend and protect our rights, the planet and all people–we are rising into our truth. This is our vision and our inspiration, and one we need to embrace together to attain.

From the stars and planets of western astrology, we reached across time to Mayan cosmology and the day sign of February 4th, 2017: Kame, which means death, the cycle of life, and transformation. It is a time of profound change, soul level choice and higher expression. It asks us to face and release our fears, so we can relax into our soul’s true purpose and potential. The number 2, associated with this day, signifies duality and choice, relationship and self-sacrifice; it is the number of lovers, of course.

img_3720From the Mayan world, we entered the Amazon rainforests to honor the prophecy of the Eagle and the Condor, which foretold that human societies would split into two paths: one of the Eagle, which symbolizes the path of the mind, the material and the masculine; and the other, the Condor, which is the path of the heart, intuition and the feminine. The prophecy also foretells that the potential exists within all of us for the Eagle and the Condor to come together and fly in the same sky when we create a new level of consciousness and live in balance with nature and within ourselves. It is up to us to activate the potential.***

Each of these reflections of energy–from the prophecy of the Amazon to Mayan cosmology to western astrology–show us the path of where we are being asked to go, towards a higher expression of ourselves, the balancing and integration of masculine and feminine energies.

As the supine couples emerged from their cacao journey, each was transformed. The men in circle expressed their gratitude for the powerful feminine energy they felt in the room, and within themselves, while they had tears streaming down their faces. The glowing women shared how fearless they felt connecting to their divine masculine. Their tears and their joy at being reconnected with themselves, their partners and life itself was testament to what’s possible when we live into our fully conscious potential. It was truly divine.

I echo what one of the women of light shared as we closed the beautiful and powerful ceremony by wishing you a “Happy Valentine’s Day.” May it be a day of the divine expression of the power of love and reconnection.

moon-sun-art

 

Copyright © 2017 by Soulscape Coaching LLC.
*from Aquarian Styles: http://aquarianstyles.tumblr.com/post/100854962887/the-water-bearer-symbolizes-an-eternal-giving-of
**from Mystic Mamma: http://www.mysticmamma.com/new-moon-in-aquarius-january-27-28th-2017/
***from Pachamama.org: https://www.pachamama.org/blog/the-eagle-and-the-condor-prophecy

The Darth Vader of self sabotage

~ Nicole Gnutzman
 i need to survive myself because my self sabotage is the only trap worth avoiding, and everything else i will chalk up to living life on life’s terms. – the poetry bandit
Move within. But don’t move the way fear makes you move. – Rumi

img_2748Self sabotage keeps coming up in my conversations lately. Three times in one week. And I always, always reflect deeply when something comes up that often in such succession. It’s as if Spirit or the Universe is tapping me on the shoulder and saying, “Hey, there’s something over here, take a closer look.”

Of course, when I look, I usually find more than I bargained for, such as the ways I do the very things, which I’m being asked to look at. Luckily, my curiosity surpassed my own fear in this instance.

You know when you find every reason in the world not to start something or finish something, fear is at work behind the scenes. While we may be aware that we’re afraid, we can’t quite figure out why. We want this thing we are trying to start or finish, right? So, then why don’t we just go for it? So, why do we sabotage ourselves? Because there’s something more sinister and unconscious behind the fear.

Not all fears are alike. The fear that engenders self sabotage is the fear of being humiliated, of being shamed or criticized or blamed. And the fear of humiliation is the progenitor, the source, the root cause of self sabotage. It’s the Darth Vader of self sabotage. It’s the Dark Side–heavy and dark and threatening, but not invincible.

The pattern this particular kind of fear creates is an adaptive one; it’s one where we turn the unpleasantness of a situation where we anticipate being humiliated into one in which we can cope, so we escape, we self soothe, before the incident ever happens, and voilà, we never start or finish what we really want.

The key here is that by anticipating what might happen (catastrophic thinking), instead of forging ahead bravely (knowing it’s just a projection of our minds) and being open to the possibility of failure (because that’s how we learn), we become attached to soothing ourselves before anything actually happens. We all have ways of self soothing (cookies work really well) or escaping (even laundry becomes a convenient escape) or distracting ourselves (by being too busy or getting lost in the details or perfecting our blog :)).

Here’s how this unconscious pattern emerges: a child takes a cookie without permission and as punishment is humiliated in front of her siblings by her parents in some way (I am not laying blame here, just offering an example). She runs away and hides. Then, much later, as an adult, whenever she is faced with, or even anticipates, humiliation, she withdraws and eats way too many sugary treats. However, she doesn’t make the connection between her feeling of humiliation and her need to escape or overeat. She unconsciously associates pleasure or self soothing with her fear, so anytime she gets triggered, she naturally follows her impulse to self soothe. That’s how self-sabotage holds us hostage.

img_3187When you understand the source of your fear and how you cope with it unconsciously, you can reframe it. When you become aware of the unconscious behavior, you can begin to anticipate it, see it coming, and choose something else before it takes hold that moves you toward your goal of getting what you truly want. Be compassionate and patient with yourself as it will take time to break this pattern; after all, you’ve been living with it for a long time. But each time you see it for what it is, and choose differently, you walk toward the light instead of the darkness. Be brave. The Force will be with you….

 

A big thank you to Mike Bundrant from the iNLP Center for his insightful blog posts on psychological attachment: http://inlpcenter.org/psychological-attachments/ and fear of failure: http://blogs.psychcentral.com/nlp/2015/11/psychological-trap-behind-fear-of-failure/.

And a special note of gratitude to the friends and clients, whose curiosity about self sabotage, inspired me to write this, and to Grace Kraaijvanger of the Hivery for inspiring us to face our fears and be brave.

Copyright ©2017 Soulscape Coaching LLC

 

 

Beyond the dreaded “shoulds:” declaring a should-free zone

~ Nicole Gnutzman
Shed your shoulds. { Make your yeses count.} – Regan Walsh
Expectation is the root of all heartache. – Shakespeare

Ah, the dreaded “shoulds.” We live by them and for them, but they don’t feed our soul.

img_0376Anytime you find yourself saying the word, “should,” like in “I should do that” or “I should really go there,” ask yourself “Really, why?” Is it some obligation or expectation that a family member or friend imposed on you? Well, guess what, that’s theirs, not yours. They re-gifted their “should” to you, because someone gave it to them. And we all know how much we love being re-gifted. The re-gifting can stop with you. You have the power.

When you do something you “should” do, is it you trying to please people, saying “yes” to them but not to yourself? That’s you making yourself miserable because whatever you are saying “yes’ to is not what you truly want. Deep down inside you resent it and eventually you may feel resentment for the people you are trying to please because they are making you do something you don’t want to do. I hate to break the news to you, but no one makes you do anything except you. And don’t expect others to appreciate all the “shoulds” you are doing for them. They expect you to do them, just like they do….

In society, we have all these unspoken rules of conduct, these ‘shoulds.’ Even though we pride ourselves in being a democracy, there are all these ways that we say you ‘should’ behave. But what if you’re living your life by the ‘shoulds’ and you’re not really living your life? – Chris Noth

So, the key is that you have to relearn how to say “yes” to the things you truly want to do because you love doing them not because someone else wants you to or because you want to gain someone else’s love or approval. I’m not going to say it’s easy because I’m a recovering “people pleaser” myself and I understand how hard it is to break the pattern, but it’s absolutely necessary to live into your soul gifts and path. Absolutely, undeniably and soulfully.

img_2681Only you know, and get to decide, whether you want something or not. The key word here is “want.” So, if Aunt Isabelle thinks you “should” go to so-and-so’s party, go only because you truly want to, not out of obligation. Go because you care about your cousin or your nieces and nephews or because there will be really good cake, don’t go because you “should.” When you say “yes’ to going because you truly want to, you will show up in an entirely different way. And, if you choose not to go because you can’t think of a really good reason to go, then you will have to live with the consequences, which may be a really lovely bubble bath with candles and a glass of wine (and don’t forget the rubber ducky).

Whatever flak you may get for not going are consequences too, but remember it’s their stuff; it’s their need to have you fit into the “shoulds” that rule their life, that they’ve been conditioned to accept. Have compassion for them (and yourself) because most people haven’t yet learned they are being held hostage by their “shoulds.” You, who see the “shoulds” now for what they are, are learning to honor your own needs while being respectful and compassionate to others’. Feel how freeing that is. Your soul is a “should-free” zone.

Then there are the “musts.” Different certainly than the “shoulds” and even the “wants.” If “wants” come from our soul, then “musts” come from an even deeper place, a place that cares for something beyond (and even greater than) the self. When my husband was asked at the last minute if he could fly to Guatemala on the red eye and help rescue a project he deeply cared about, he worried that I might object. What welled up from deep inside of me was this: “You must go. There’s no question.” Those words were the Truth from deep in my soul. My husband and I both remember it to this day and we use it as a litmus test for knowing when we “must” do something; a true “must” surpasses any should and even our own needs and wants.

img_3320

When you allow yourself the small “yeses;” you just may find a big “yes” that’s actually a soulful “must.” And when you find it, you will have all the confidence and courage in the world to live into it. Declare your own should-free zone.