You know the old saying, “You can’t get there from here?” Well, when it comes to joy, it’s absolutely and uncomfortably true.

So many of my clients when we meet to talk about their intentions for their session, say “I want joy in my life again.” Their intention is so beautiful and attainable; however, I always share that they will likely have to go through discomfort (and denied feelings) to reach that joy.

Discomfort. It’s probably making you feel uncomfortable even just seeing or contemplating the word. 

We naturally seek comfort. And we can take this desire to an extreme by controlling everything and everyone we feel, touch or interact with, so we’re “comfortable.” You may not even realize you are trying to control because it may not look like what you think being in control is.

Being in control looks like managing or denying our feelings until we’re numb. Or avoiding challenging conversations and relations because it’s hard. Or not asking for what we need because that makes us or others uncomfortable. Or when we do ask, our needs control the situation, and we actually don’t end up with what we want.

Trying to control life and people by avoiding discomfort does not allow energy to flow naturally—theirs, yours or life’s. No wonder you feel stuck. And life feels joyless and stagnant. 

Life and joy are not predictable and controllable, no matter how much we try. Life brings curve balls and takes us down unintended paths. Joy is spontaneous and silly and full of wonder. It erupts from our bellies in laughter and snorts out our noses. Joy just emerges and is. A life that is joyful does too. 

When you first started to shut down your feelings—sadness, anger, disappointment—or gave discomfort a wide berth, you began the long road of denying yourself joy. Defending yourself from feeling and getting hurt, created a road block to joy. Your detour toward destination control took you miles away from joy.

My clients want joy in their lives again so much, they begin our sessions hopeful. 10, 20 or 30 or 40 years of being stuck and joyless doesn’t resolve itself all at once. More often than not, the ones who are really stuck and have tried to control every aspect of their lives, cannot let go of control all at once. They “think” they are open, but they aren’t at a deeper level. Believe me, I was once there myself.

When they can’t drop in or let go, they begin to blame themselves, me, the “medicine” or all of the above. They often say, “I’m trying to let go” as if it is something they can control. Clenching and forcing, which may have worked before as control strategies, are not the way letting go works….

They become so uncomfortable with their inability to let go, they come face to face with their unconscious resistance. It can be challenging to witness and it’s almost unbearable for them.

Their defense mechanisms won’t allow them to drop into the experience because that means letting go of control. Their ego is afraid of the free fall, believing there is nothing there to catch them. 

I recently had an experience in a sacred medicine ceremony in Mexico where I dropped in super quickly and my entire being began dissolving, which is a familiar form of ego death or dissolution, a way for defense mechanisms to fall away. I’ve experienced this so many times, I no longer have any fear as I know my essential self is what remains. It is there to “catch” and hold me. And yet, this time, I still found myself resisting at some level. 

I knew what was going on, so I just gave myself over (surrendered) to it without resisting whatever needed to be felt or experienced. Huge sighs emerged spontaneously out of me until my resistance fell away. I felt so tender and such tenderness, the perfect antidote to the burden and soul weariness I had been carrying into the experience. I came out of the experience open, gentle, more tender, relieved of my burden and yet strong. I felt a renewed sense of joy, wonder and love of life. I had been resisting my own need for tenderness and received such blessings from letting go.

With my clients, I find ways to make their essential self felt seen, held and safe while gently prying each finger away from holding on to control. The initial release often starts with tears or feeling so uncomfortable, there’s nothing for them to do, but surrender to relieve the discomfort. Most get there fully and a few partially, enough to experience some relief and realize the greater message about letting go. 

Taking in the message and then bringing that understanding into life by choosing and responding differently (breaking the stuck pattern) are key to regaining joy and living from the essential self. I remind myself and am grateful every day of what I received during my experiences, so it sticks and my old pattern does not.

The journey back to joy is one that asks you (and not always gently) to allow yourself to feel everything and move through the discomfort. It’s a journey so worth taking. 

©Soulscape Coaching LLC