journey

The Cacao Journals: Cacao is for Men too.

~ nicole

Consciousness is the ability to be present in your life in every moment without judgment of you or anyone else; is the ability to receive everything, reject nothing, and create everything you desire in life greater than what you currently have & more than what you can imagine. – Gary Douglas

This post is for men (and women who would love their men to experience the healing medicine of cacao). My cacao medicine journeys are always filled with conscious women; it is the rare man who attends, except when I hold ceremony for a conscious, spiritual community near Mendocino. That phenomenon has made me curious.

Are women more drawn to or affected by the bliss-inducing neurochemicals released by cacao? It seems that way. Are women more open to subtle experiences, more in touch with their emotional body? Perhaps. But what about the men who do come and have a deep experience?

What I have witnessed is that they are what I affectionately call, “shamanic” men: on a conscious path, in touch with their spirituality, or open to the mystery of life, and at the same time, open to its subtler expression. Being open and curious are key to their experience.

Mama Cacao’s medicine is both subtle and profound. She invites you in; she doesn’t storm the gates like some other plant medicines do. Storming has its place as does gentle invitation. I have experienced and benefited greatly from both. Cacao is a gentler path, one that requires subtler perception, awareness and witnessing in support of embodied integration.

At my recent retreat in Guatemala, one brave man joined our group of women. Christian’s intention at the beginning of the retreat was to connect with the spirit of cacao, something he had wanted to experience in other ceremonies and was unable to do. He hoped that a more immersive experience with me would enable a deeper connection.

For me, cacao is a teacher, healer and guide, a gentle plant medicine that reconnects us to our deepest self and soul. I hold the space like a plant medicine journey where participants can open, allow and receive the medicine they most need in that moment. It is immersive and deep.

Christian recently shared this beautiful note after returning home to New York where he continues to work with cacao in his daily life. His lessons from cacao are deeply touching and profound.

“Nicole, your cacao retreat in Guatemala was so much more than a retreat and so much more than cacao. I have been to retreats that have been great in getting me to disconnect and relax and come back home relaxed. This retreat did all that and gave me tools that I began to use during the retreat and still use today. The beauty of the numerous ceremonies during the retreat (which varied between cacao, drums, fire, sweat and being in nature) are designed to get you out of head space and into your heart and soul so that you can integrate these experiences into your entire being in a way that is so profound.

Of the many teachings I experienced during the week long retreat, the following embody the ones that had the greatest impact on me since I have come home (and I write this 5 weeks after the retreat).

PRESENCE: I have definitely seen a huge shift towards being more present in my life on a day-to-day basis (and hour-to-hour basis). I feel that I am constantly bringing subtle things into my conscious awareness. I also notice that so many things that no longer serve me are just losing their grip on me.

JOY: One of the retreat participants raised this so boldly and unapologetically during one of our morning circles. If I recall, she said “How often are we making joy a priority in our lives?” I have to say that this resonated with me SO much that day and even so much more the days and weeks after. I became consciously aware that in the last 5 years of this beautiful journey of healing and transformation that I have grown a lot but did not have a lot of joy. I am now totally committed to making joy a priority. I am taking this in baby steps as I navigate joy vs self indulgence (which also has its place in life).

INTEGRITY: by your example Nicole, you truly inspired me to live in greater integrity in terms of my words and actions with respect to my relationships. I watch my words more carefully and see myself sticking to them and/or consciously aware when I am not . With 3 kids, I have ample opportunity and inspiration to practice this as I am modelling behavior for them.

SELF LOVE: this has always been the tricky one for me and is still the area I struggle with the most. That being said, I take time during the day for myself to just honor and appreciate myself.

STRUGGLES: I still have them and feel them. This past Sunday was a tough one for me for sure. I will say that I am learning that a lot of times, there is energy inside of me (of us) that seriously just wants to leave. On those days, I literally just ground myself either with cacao or just feel myself into a grounded place and observe it with ZERO judgment, meaning or interpretation and just let it leave my being. As crazy as it sounds, I feel this technique to be so much more successful than over analyzing the meaning, finding the message etc.

I thought the group sharing was especially important for me to express myself. As a man, there aren’t many opportunities to share this way and it is so very healing. I definitely would like to see more men participate in future cacao ceremonies and retreats.” – Christian Steiner

I invite men, who are open, curious and seeking more presence, joy, integrity and self-acceptance in their lives to experience a cacao medicine journey. Or more than one because cacao can be like a first date; sometimes you fall madly in love at first sight and other times you need a few more dates to be sure as she works her magic on you in between. Cacao will see you, love you unconditionally and support you well beyond ceremony. She is consciousness raising and embodiment medicine for your heart and soul.

Copyright ©2019 Soulscape Coaching LLC.


The Cacao Journals: The Paradox of Surrender

~ nicole ~ 4 Comments
The important thing is to be able at any moment to sacrifice what you are for what you could become. – Charles Dubois

Photo by Laura Reoch of September-Days Photography.

You may have noticed that I took a little break from my blog. I’ve been focusing on other writing projects and designing classes to teach Cacao Ceremony both as a personal practice and for group offerings. I’d been asked many times to teach and always resisted it for various reasons (all of them quite lame). When I recently decided to commit to “everything cacao,” which was a message I received on a drum journey over two years ago, it made perfect sense to surrender to this too….

The beautiful thing about surrender is that when you finally do, that’s when things actually show up. Giving up the struggle allows the struggle to end. It’s so simple and obvious, and yet so hard for us to do. Surrender is not giving up or retreating; it’s both release and commitment, letting go and moving toward. It’s truly a paradox.

Until one is committed there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back…. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elemental truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. – W.H. Murray

Releasing and letting go means being honest with yourself about what’s not moving with ease and flow in your life, work or relationship. It shouldn’t have to be so hard. I’m declaring that one out loud. If we aren’t fully in alignment with who we are,  haven’t fully embraced our gifts, and aren’t fully reading, accepting and acting on the signs that spirit brings us, then, life is hard.

What do I mean by fully? Let me start by defining what it doesn’t mean; it’s not partially or somewhat or sort of. That’s neither fully in nor fully out. To put it bluntly, it’s not half-assed, not that I have anything against donkeys; they’re actually kind of cute, but rather stubborn. Fully means completely.

Life feels hard because we live in a state of resistance, ashamed of or not fully embracing our uniqueness, and not willing to wave our “freak flag high” (I borrowed that phrase from a friend who does it every day). When you’re being a donkey instead of a unicorn, it’s soul destroying.

Commitment and moving toward something means allowing for its unfolding: encouraging, revealing and responding to something in stages at the appropriate moment. Some cynics and critics claim “unfolding” is too passive and even wishful thinking. I beg to differ. An unfolding requires active engagement. A flower just doesn’t sit there and wait for the grand unfolding to happen; it grows up and out, responding to cues from the sun, the rain and the moon. It is engaged in its own glorious unfolding.

The process of unfolding is always evolving and changing. Instead of waiting for a magical unfolding or grasping at and forcing the unfolding, both of which are full of internal and external struggle (I can feel the tearing), we must find ways to be adaptable and resilient, weathering the elements, but first we have to give up the struggle. If we don’t let go, the struggle tears us apart.

I had been resisting the “everything cacao” message I received. While cacao was a big, powerful and beautiful part of my work, it was not my “everything.” Without that commitment, my work was unfocused, leaving me exhausted and feeling torn apart. I decided to give up the struggle and fully embrace and commit to cacao as my everything. I still don’t quite know where it’s going to take me or how it will all unfold, but I feel lighter and life doesn’t feel so hard. I’m following the signs that are showing up with full attention and intention. I decided to be a unicorn. What’s your everything?

Copyright ©2018 Soulscape Coaching LLC.

Cacao Journals: Finding Sanctuary

~ nicole
Remember the entrance door to the sanctuary is inside you. – Rumi

Sanctuary is vital to me. Where I live, how I live and who I share my life with must be in alignment with that. I love the energy of the natural world, as you know, so my recent move marks a return to living in nature, surrounded by trees, a pond, wildlife and the sound of the ocean in the distance (and a cacophony of tree frogs when I go to sleep :)). I feel a sense of peace and tranquility here that I simply don’t in the city with its energetic human hum and traffic noise.

My ceremonial, drumming, coaching and healing work calls for being present, deeply authentic and in full integrity in every moment, which means I must cultivate and call on my own inner sanctuary to be of service.

I cultivate inner sanctuary in several ways: 1) living in nature, or when I can’t, visiting it frequently in silent devotion, 2) quieting my mind in meditation and noticing when it gets too noisy in there or too darn critical, and 3) journeying to the drum or with cacao and hanging out with my spirit guides, who just happen to live in beautiful natural landscapes or should I call them “soulscapes”?

Within you there is a stillness and a sanctuary to which you can retreat at any time. – Hermann Hesse

In cultivating my outer sanctuary, I have to know what environment and energies bring me inner peace and tranquility. For instance, I’m a forest, lake and beach girl; you may be a meadow, desert or mountain girl or guy.

Find your outer sanctuary and “go” there often by bringing it inside of you. Even if it’s thousands of miles away, put on some music that calls you there, close your eyes, and imagine being there. Take it in with all your senses. Or come journey with me and I will take you to that place.

Sanctuary is much like how we dress here in Northern California; it comes in layers, both outer and inner. Cultivate all your sanctuaries. You will discover they bring you the clarity of mind, focus, inspiration and illumination you need to bring your creativity and brilliance fully into the world. Not to mention inner wisdom and deep peace….

Copyright ©2018 Soulscape Coaching LLC

The Cacao Journals: Wisdom & Guidance from the Drum

~ nicole
Shamanic journeying is the inner art of traveling to the ‘invisible worlds’ beyond ordinary reality to retrieve information for change in any area of your life–from spirituality and health to work and relationships. – Sandra Ingerman

Journeying to the drum for others is a beautifully intimate experience where I am entrusted with a vital question to which someone wants an answer that they simply cannot access on their own. And it brings me such joy to share this work.

First we frame the question, so that it can be received by my guides in such a way that their answer offers valuable wisdom and guidance. The question is always stated in the present tense in shamanic journeying and often takes the form of a “What, Where, or How” question. “Why” questions are not recommended as the “Why” of anything can be so complex, as are questions about the future.

I’d like to share a journey that I experienced on behalf of someone whose question was, “What am I to focus on in my work?” I knew nothing about this person other than his full name and where he lived. I journeyed to meet (and merge with) my Power Animal, the Jaguar, and she took me on a lovely journey emerging out of a dark underwater cavern into a night sky full of stars and a landscape lit by a full moon. We ran towards and through a forest of evergreen trees, and found ourselves at the edge of a lake flooded with the light of the full moon.

My Jaguar entered the water and began swimming across the lake toward a fire we could see on the other side. She dove below the surface of the water and began walking across the sandy bottom. I said, “Wait, you can’t do that!” And she answered, “In this world, I can do anything.” Note to self: in the Lower and Upper Worlds, anything is possible.

She’s a shapeshifter, a real trickster, haunts dreams, sees the unseen – Katalin Koda

We surfaced and began walking toward the fire, which was sending sparks up into the night sky. Surrounding the fire were four people. I asked my Jaguar who they were and she responded with, “They are engineers.” I immediately questioned this and said to myself, “I can’t share that! What if it’s totally off base?” I had to let go of my rational mind and just trust that what I was receiving had some purpose and meaning. I followed my first question with another, “What are these engineers building?” Her response rocked me: “A gateway.” How was I going to share that?

Up a slope behind the fire was a beautiful, log-cabin lodge full of luminous light. Then suddenly I was being called back by the drum and had to return from the journey.

When I returned I shared what I had received, worried somehow that it would not make sense to the person for whom I was journeying. The language of journeys is always symbolic and sometimes quite literal, and often a mix of both. I began by sharing the journey and my interpretation of the symbols of the full moon, the lake, the fire and the log cabin full of light.

The full moon often symbolizes the feminine, so it seemed to be telling him that he needed to be in touch with and guided by his feminine wisdom in his work. Water is the deep feminine, our intuitive guidance system, so the message was that he needed to dive deep into his intuition and walk there comfortably until he could surface with deeper knowledge.

The fire is a masculine symbol symbolizing creativity and life force energy, and the sparks showed that whatever was being created by the fire had some juice! The log cabin up the hill full of light was a beacon of hope and inspiration.

When I shared the journey and my interpretation, the silence was deafening. I had to ask, “Does this resonate with you?” because I couldn’t tell.

This is what he shared: “Nicole, I just returned from a business trip to New York where I had a meeting with four key engineers, who were arguing about one of our more innovative, but not main products.” I began to breathe more easily when I heard the words, “four engineers”.

He continued: “They could not agree about the product and were thinking about shelving it. Normally, in these meetings I play a certain role, but this time I found myself coming from a different place and being an advocate for this product because my intuition was telling me it was a game changer, would revolutionize the industry and that we needed to patent it because it was so innovative.”

I asked with curiosity, “What kind of product is it?” He responded, “In our world, it would be considered a ‘gateway’ product.” He beamed from ear to ear, having just had his intuition validated. He knew with such clarity what he was meant to focus on in his work. I was stunned, amazed and overjoyed.

This work is powerful. I’d be delighted to journey for you if you have a question you are struggling to answer about your work, life, or relationship. I can do this work in person or remotely, so you can live anywhere and receive this wisdom and guidance.

All you need to is connect with me here: nicole@soulscapecoaching.com.

Copyright ©2018 Soulscape Coaching LLC.

The Cacao Journals: Journeying with the Drum

~ nicole
Pray with me before we start, we’ll journey deep into your heart, invoking trance, awake the soul, We drum as one, until you’re whole. – Barbara Meiklejohn-Free & Flavia Kate Peters

My first journeys were with ceremonial cacao, and as I deepened into those journeys and encountered my spirit animal, the black Jaguar, again and again, I found myself becoming curious about shamanism and shamanic journeying with the drum. What I was most curious about was finding out who my Power Spirit Animal really was….

Your Power Animal, or any spirit animal for that matter, always chooses you; you don’t get to choose it. So, while I knew that the Jaguar was one of my  many spirit animals, who bring the medicine we need in that moment, I wasn’t sure if it was my Power Spirit Animal.

At a shamanic workshop, I learned how to journey with the drum to reconnect with my Power Animal and then my Higher Guide or Teacher. Once I had successfully reconnected with both I was then able to journey and ask questions to which I wanted answers, and I also could journey to my guides on another’s behalf, receive and bring back an answer for a vital question in their life that they had been struggling to answer.

The voice of the drum is a spirit thing. – Mickey Hart

Not only did I confirm that the black Jaguar was my Power Animal–believe me I let go of any attachment to that outcome–I also met my Teacher for the first time. Let me share a bit of each journey with you.

In my Power Animal journey, I went to my place of entry into the Lower World, which is always a real place such as a hollowed out tree or cave or  contained body of water like a lake or pond, and journeyed on the beat of the drum to meet my Power Animal.

When I arrived at an underwater cavern, I looked up and saw bats. Really, I thought? My Power Animal is a bat? Strangely I was open to it because I knew that the bat in shamanic cultures symbolizes rebirth and transformation, which is so much of what my work is about. And then I sensed something behind me and heard a swishing noise. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a big black cat’s tail going back and forth on the cavern floor. I turned and the black Jaguar was there. Her sense of humor and playfulness have been such a delight every time I journey with her.

My journey to meet my Teacher was stunningly beautiful. When we journey to the Upper World, it is via a tree, a staircase, the smoke of a fire, anything real that we have experienced in life that takes us upwards. I emerged into a beautiful garden and my Teacher was sitting on a bench near a Chinese pagoda. He had a long white beard and was wearing a white robe, which I thought a bit cliché, but again, who I am to decide? He has been the most wonderful, kind and gentle master.

Both were powerful, affirming journeys for me, and my journeys with my guides since them have been nothing short of profound. My questions are always answered more deeply than I thought possible. I now offer group and private 1:1 journeys as a way for you to reconnect with and develop a relationship your guides, who can guide, problem solve and heal you on this sometimes messy, Middle World (Earth) journey.

In my next blog post, I’ll share a few almost unbelievable experiences I’ve had journeying on behalf of my clients. I offer these both as private in-person sessions and as virtual sessions (we talk on the phone about your question, I journey offline, and then I share what I’ve received with you on the phone or via video conference so we can record it). The messages are always so spot on. Come journey with me….

Copyright ©2018 Soulscape Coaching LLC

The Cacao Journals: Integrating our Masculine & Feminine

~ nicole
When the Condor of the South flies with the Eagle of the North, a new day for Earth will awaken. – Inca Prophecy

Before each cacao ceremony, I always look into the significance of the day in the Mayan Calendar and allow the energy associated with it to inform ceremony. Some days are more auspicious than others; some are feisty and need to be balanced; and others provide deep reflection or spiritual connection. When we align ourselves with these energies and allow them to guide us, our days flow more easily.

So, in preparation for my upcoming Elemental Cacao Ceremony at FLOW Studio on November 4, I looked up the Day Sign, which is 2 Kawoq. The numeral 2 (of 13) represents the galactic tone energy of the day; and Kawoq (1 of 20 signs) is the Day Sign energy, spirit or essence of that day in this year. Together they are a system of astrology and divination that is celebrated in daily ritual and sacred ceremony.

Two is the symbol of duality: birth and death, joy and sadness, night and day, darkness and light, and male and female; while Kawoq is the divine feminine, which can bring a certain wild storminess, while supporting spiritual connection and communication. The combination of the two requires directing this wild feminine energy toward positive desires, and to do so means seeing “very, very far down the road you are traveling…so you may see a clearer, deeper, purer truth (Mayan Calendar Portal).”

Art by Brady Wedman and Maya Jensen

As part of my Elemental Cacao series, I had chosen the element, Air, to be honored in this ceremony. Air symbolizes clarity of vision, inspiration and the ability to see expansively like the eagle, which soars above the land seeing far and wide. The clarity of the eagle, balanced by our inner desires and intentions, brings us to a deeper truth than either would on its own.

Many indigenous prophecies foretold that human societies would split into two paths: one of the Eagle, which symbolizes the path of the mind, the material and the masculine; and the other, the Condor, which is the path of the heart, intuition and the feminine.

The prophecies also foretold that the potential exists within all of us for the Eagle and the Condor to come together and fly in the same sky when we create a new level of consciousness and live in balance with nature and within ourselves. It is up to us to activate this potential.

When the sacred masculine is combined with the sacred feminine inside each of us, we create the “sacred marriage” of compassion and passion in ourselves. –Matthew Fox

The path we are being asked to take now, in these times of crisis and chaos, is towards a higher expression of ourselves, to balance and integrate our masculine and feminine energies. We’ve gotten off center, out of alignment, either too much in one or too much in the other, which throws us and society out of balance.

It is the will of our hearts that allows these energies to come together again, to be in balance. This deep truth and heart wisdom will heal us and allow us to be whole again. Integrating the positive aspects of our masculine and feminine energies is an absolute requirement on our journey to wholeness.

Having spent 18 years in the corporate world, I had developed a strong, masculine side and had to relearn how to be vulnerable, trust my intuition, be comfortable with uncertainty, and open myself to the flow of life. What I found as I integrated my feminine side was a lightness of being, loving acceptance and a deeper trust of myself, and infinite joy.

Being aware that this integration of the masculine and feminine is necessary and critical to our wellbeing is the first step. Opening to the positive aspects that we have not embraced in ourselves (and that we often look to others to fill) is next. What’s missing in our lives is found within ourselves….

Copyright ©2017 Soulscape Coaching LLC

The Cacao Journals: Jaguar Medicine

~ nicole
In times of renewal, it is the Black Jaguar who rules. – Arkan Lushwalla

Have you ever held onto something or someone too long out of habit or comfort or even fear of change, and then suddenly the decision is made for you? That’s black jaguar medicine. She brings you just what you need, even when it hurts.

My encounters with the black jaguar in cacao ceremony showed me the range of her sacred power: her love (lots of purring and cuddles), her force and grace (running as her was the most ecstatic experience I have ever had) and her fierce compassion (like a mama cat swats her kittens for their own good). Her power is a sacred one that awakens, purifies and renews life when it becomes stuck or sick.

Real, profound change according to Arkan Lushwalla in his book, The Time of the Black Jaguar, happens in three ways: 1) through a gift of grace or Spirit, 2) by connecting to our Munay, the will of the heart, and 3) when the black jaguar says, “Enough!” and makes the decision to protect and keep life in balance. These are black jaguar times….

…be like the graceful jaguar, the balancing force of the rainforest who serves as the internediary between the seen and unseen worlds…. –Alberto Villoldo

The black jaguar sees beyond this world as she walks between all three: the middle world (what we know as earth), the lower world (where plant and animal spirits reside), and the upper world (where our ancestors and spirit guides live). Her power is often associated with shamans, who are able to walk among these worlds, and bring knowledge and wisdom back from these realms to heal. She brings us her medicine, her “fast healing.”

When we aren’t “seeing” life with her eyes and making the necessary changes fast enough, she’s going to make them for us. It’s what we know as having the rug pulled out from under us. Only now there are rugs upon rugs upon rugs. The floor beneath us is pretty bare and slippery, isn’t it?

When the black jaguar gets to this point, there’s no turning back, no negotiation. It’s all about living in alignment with who we truly are at the deepest level–believe me, it’s way deeper than you think and can even imagine. She will adjust you and adjust you and adjust you until you are there. Resistance in any form–whether it’s procrastinating or struggling–is futile against her.

So, what are the necessary changes we need to make? Letting go of old, unhealthy patterns in our minds and our behaviors; looking deeply at old wounds that are keeping us stuck; shedding things, people, titles, opinions, beliefs that are not in alignment with truth; trusting our inner guidance and our wisdom guides and bravely walking into the unknown.

None of this is easy. But it can be done. Be your own witness. Catch yourself when you say something that doesn’t feel right and ask yourself, “where did that come from?” More than likely you are speaking with someone else’s voice, not your own inner one. The only way to trust yourself and your response is to connect to your inner voice, which means you first need to recognize it. It takes practice and persistence, and forgiveness when you slip.

Resource yourself with your spirit team. Wisdom lies in those who have gone before us. Through journeying with cacao or other plant medicines or with shamanic drumming you can connect to your animal spirit guides, who have so much deep knowledge to share; and with our ancestors and spirit guides, who are wise beyond this world. Find someone to lead you through a journey process. Once you have developed a relationship with your guides, they will always be there for you and will bring you answers based in Truth. Trust them to guide you.

It may be hard to see and accept, but the black jaguar is taking us through a time of purifying chaos into a time of renewal where life will be based on truth. If we wake up and do the Work now, we can dance and co-create with her and with Spirit.

Copyright ©2017 Soulscape Coaching LLC

 

 

The Cacao Journals: Surrender

~ nicole
The moment of surrender is not when life is over. It’s when it begins. – Marianne Williamson

For the longest time I had no idea what surrender really meant. It was only when I had to let go of so much in my life over more than a decade–a career or two, a long-time relationship, a home several times over, my native land (my Canadian readers will get this), all my furniture, my ego, my shame, many of my fears and more–and thought I was relatively “unattached” that a chasm swallowed me whole, and I had no choice but to surrender completely.

So when does the chasm open up? For some, it’s facing death, losing a loved one, or becoming disabled; for others it’s experiencing failure of an extraordinary kind; or it’s losing a deep connection to Spirit, which was what happened to me and was a loss that affected me as deeply as losing my Mom (and the two came in rapid succession). I had lost touch with everything that had saved me from myself.

What I did not realize at the time, but do now, is that I was experiencing another dark night of the soul. The first one I experienced was merely a prelude, and one that I willingly chose as I dove into the waiting embrace of Mama Cacao. The second one came out of nowhere, unbidden; and the more I resisted, the more it persisted.

The signs were all there, of course, that all I had to do was surrender completely and unequivocally to Spirit to be with Her again, but I did not know what surrender truly required. When I first connected to Spirit in cacao ceremony, I opened to Her, I celebrated Her, I honored Her, and I asked for Her guidance, but I never ever gave myself over to Her completely out of pure devotion. And that’s what surrender is….

Surrender is a journey from outer turmoil to inner peace. – Sri Chinmoy

In despair, I finally prayed and asked for Her help. It’s hard to believe that I had never actually prayed to Her. I had asked for guidance and received Her wisdom hundreds of times, but I had not asked for Her help from this place of absolute surrender. You see, we never prayed in our family. We didn’t ask for help. We relied on ourselves. Clearly this was another something that I had to let go of….

So, I prayed, and I prayed hard. And She sent me an answer, one that I did not understand at first, but followed, and which has since led me to a devotional path. I surrendered to it. (Note: this is so new to me that I’m not quite ready to share more, but will when I am.)

After my mother’s death, I came to understand that I had to stop resisting what I was being asked to do and be. In an earlier post, I mentioned that I had been “called to cacao” and that in a shamanic drumming journey my spirit animal had told me, “Everything cacao.” Not dabble in cacao, not share a little cacao ceremony every once in a while, not include it as an add on to my coaching, but full on cacao. Hello! How much more clear could that be? I surrendered to it.

I also remembered what Tomas, the Mayan shaman, said to me in Guatemala last year, “You will teach about life, but first you must teach about death.” Well, I struggled with that one for about a year to the day, and I’m sure I don’t have to remind you that my last three Cacao Journals have been, you guessed it, about death. I surrendered.

Then, just three weekends ago, I decided, at the very last moment, to attend a shamanic journeying workshop. Something whispered to me to go and when I asked my spirit animals in a guided meditation led by my brilliant, soul sister, Gina Vance at Soulstice Mind + Body Spa (yes, that was a shameless plug :)), they danced in joy. And I discovered something about myself at that workshop. I have journeyed so much with cacao and have such a strong relationship with my power spirit animal, that drum journeying is a perfect complement to “my” ceremonial work (“my” is in quotes because it’s not really mine, I am merely a messenger for Spirit’s work). I surrendered to that too. And I just bought the most beautiful Buffalo hide drum.

So, you are the first to know, after my husband, that I am no longer a soul’s path coach (please know that I will still call on my coaching skills as needed). I’m hesitant to call myself anything at this point, and I’m pretty sure that calling myself a messenger of Spirit would draw some attention on a business card :), so for now I’m a cacao medicine guide and shamanic practitioner for journeys to wholeness. And that may change too, but for now, it feels true as it comes from a place of total surrender.

I’m feeling a huge shift after all this surrendering. Remember that crystal birthed out of molten fire and pressure I mentioned in last week’s post? That’s me now.

Whew, that was intense. So, how do I end this post? Like this: life begins with surrender.

Copyright ©2017 Soulscape Coaching LLC, soon to be known as Soulscape Journeys LLC.

The Cacao Journals: Loving Kindness

~ nicole
Loving kindness and compassion are the basis for wise, powerful, sometimes gentle, sometimes fierce actions that can really make a difference–in our own lives and those of others. ~ Sharon Salzberg

As I write this from my 91-year-old mother’s palliative care room in Canada, where she is resting before she passes from this world, I am at her bedside, giving her the only medicine I can give: the light of loving kindness. I hold her in my heart radiating healing light, so she may be free of suffering and pain.

 This post is in dedication to my Mom, Trudy, who has lived through so much, and, despite all that she has endured, has always chosen the path of goodness and selflessness.

And I am at peace. How am I at peace as I face the death of my dear mother? I am in that place because of the support I have from my meditation practice, my cacao journeys, and the deep inner work that has over time allowed me to integrate and then embody the lessons from both practices (at least some of the time :)). This too has been a journey, an ever deepening one.

What brings me peace is knowing that I am loved, that I am not alone, and that I have access to sources of infinite love, wisdom and guidance. Much of this comes to me through my spirit guides, who are always guiding me, nudging me, and bringing me messages and good medicine.

If you read my first cacao journal entry, you’ll remember one of my spirit animal guides, the white swan, which symbolizes inner grace, purity and tranquility. She inspired me to begin my cacao journey and visited me in ceremony to share her sacred power. In the Lakota tradition, the swan acts as a messenger of faith. In ancient Greece, the swan was thought to sing a sweet and beautiful song as people died. The swan is a powerful and sacred totem among many cultures and demonstrates the intricate balance of living in three elemental realms–on the earth, which grounds her; on the water, which allows her access to her intuitive and emotional depths; and in the air, where she sees life with an expansive and all-encompassing view. All she embodies is what I aspire to be.

In cacao ceremony, I call in the four elements–fire, earth, water and air–and the four directions–east, south, west and north–as well as our Spirit Animals, Ancestors and Star People to guide us through our journey and to support us when we leave our cacao cocoons so we can integrate their guidance and wisdom into our daily lives.

Fire is life force creative energy; Earth is grounding energy; Water is emotional, intuitive energy; and Air is the energy of insight and clarity. When we balance these elemental energies within us, we live harmoniously in alignment with who we truly are. Our spirit guides bring us messages that tell us where we are out of balance energetically and what “medicine” will heal us.

The Jaguar and the Serpent, long associated with cacao and sacred Mayan ritual, have shared their guidance with me and brought me medicine in many of my journeys with cacao. I immediately felt drawn to the Jaguar, and, me being curious and just a little bit cheeky, asked if I could run with her during one journey; she graciously allowed me to shape shift into her form and run as her. As you can imagine, it was incredible to feel her (and my) raw power, supple elegance, and fierce sense of knowing. I gave myself over to it fully. It was like being one of the Na’vi in Avatar, the movie, only this was a big cat and I was her…. I now know what feline feminine power feels like and it brings me great strength.  I know all of this sounds terribly farfetched, and I can’t explain the how or the why; what I have is faith in is that she brought me what I needed in that moment.

The Jaguar came to me many, many more times in ceremony, sometimes curling up against me and purring; other times pacing around me in circles, advising me to “watch, wait and act with power” or to “be patient and all will reveal itself.”  She became part of my spirit animal pack and now watches over me and even through me. There are times, especially when I hold ceremony, that I feel as though I am looking through her eyes. I see the world with a fiercer compassion than before…. And this brings me strength and inner peace.

The Serpent has been more elusive, as you would suspect, only revealing itself a few times and transmitting its life force knowledge by “feeding” knowledge to me, telling me to “Let go of this world, the ways of this world, and be the way.” Its messages are direct and unequivocal, including “Heal myself and then others.” And when a Serpent tells you what to go do, you do it….

The messages and wisdom of our spirit guides are undeniably clear, and this knowledge is available and accessible to us all. When we recognize, accept and integrate their medicine, we are more balanced, which allows us to be at peace when life hits us hard. And it is from that place that we can access our inner light, feel fierce compassion and send loving kindness to ourselves and then to others. It is good medicine.

So, I am sending loving kindness to my Mom to ease her suffering and pain, and, inspired by the white swan, I will sing a sweet and beautiful song to her as she leaves this world. I love you, Mom.

My Mom 4 weeks ago enjoying her favorites: coffee and a sweet pastry

I share this loving kindness meditation, so you may find peace, harmony and balance in your life, and send loving kindness out to your loved ones, who are in need.

May I be safe from harm.
May I be happy just as I am.
May I be peaceful with whatever is happening.
May I be healthy and strong.
May I care for myself in this ever-changing world graciously, joyously.
~ from the CMind, the center for Contemplative Mind in Society

Much love & light,

Nicole

Copyright ©2017 Soulscape Coaching LLC

Remembering who you are–the joy of strawberry shortcake & whipped cream

~ Nicole Gnutzman
Old Souls are usually childlike in many ways, having the playfulness and simplicity of children, while maintaining a certain world-weariness and insight. – don Mateo Sol

What people see in me now and hear in my voice and read in my blog posts, is the real me, the true essence of who I am. I’m done with hiding, folks.

hello-sunshineWhen I was a little girl, I was shy, introverted, loved books and animals of all kinds (lions, especially). I saw the goodness in people. I giggled a lot. And some people (particularly dentists and doctors for some reason) called me “sunshine.” I guess it was all that blond hair and innocence.

And then, as I grew up, I learned that being innocent wasn’t all it was cracked up to be (the world could be such a cruel place), and I started to hide my sunshiny nature.

Then I began to take on and distort (what else can a little mind do?) the beliefs and expectations of my parents, society and my friends in my desire to be loved and feel a sense of belonging.

Here’s a short list (there’s more, but I’ll run out of space and your patience):

My parents wanted me to excel in school and in life, so I thought I had to be perfect. Trying to be perfect meant I wasn’t being me; I was trying to be what I thought they wanted, and then this extended to my friends and boyfriends, school and work, and so on…. Lots of me trying to be something that I wasn’t.

My Dad got really sick, which changed everything, so I had to grow up really fast and learn to look after myself. Life was harder than I thought. It wasn’t all picking cherries in my grandmother’s garden and eating strawberry shortcake and whipped cream. I stopped giggling and started crying, and I felt very alone.

Being strong, independent and productive were my family’s most sought after values. Being weak, dependent and unproductive meant you were vulnerable (or at least that was my interpretation at the time). So, I had to be strong in everything I did and the tears had to stop. With that went most of my emotional life.

I found and stayed in the neutral zone; it was comfortable and easy. Nothing much bothered me, but nothing really gave me joy either (not even strawberry shortcake and whipped cream).

So, you can imagine what my need to be perfect, act like an adult, and not show my vulnerability created: a very sad little girl, and then woman, who pretended she was happy (actually, she was so numb to her feelings, she didn’t feel much of anything). Poor thing.

And then as I tried to control and manage my world so it stayed perfectly neutral, I started to have my doubts. A little voice in me began to say, “I don’t much like this life I have.”

Then it elaborated a bit more: “It seems I am ‘living’ a life in which I don’t say what I feel or need and because of that I get what I don’t want over and over again.” Hmmm. What if I did the exact opposite of what I’ve been doing:

What if I stop trying to be perfect and instead remember who I am (because truth be told I’d kind of forgotten) and what my gifts are?

What if I do some silly things, and don’t worry about how I look to others or criticize myself so much, and maybe, just maybe, find the joy in my life again?

What if being vulnerable and open, and knowing how I feel and saying out loud what I want will actually create the life I want?

What if behind all that armor of perfection, adulthood, and invulnerability, is the essence of me, my inner and outer sunshine?

Well, guess what? As I gently tore down my protective armor (these are some of the symbolic deaths that happen when we transform ourselves), what was behind it was me: my intact soul, the beautiful, sunshiny one I came into this world with that was just a bit wiser, but still innocent in its sense of not knowing, of being open to the mysteries and wonder of the world. The one who wants strawberry shortcake and whipped cream.

And from there I learned that over time, as I laid layers of armor down (believe me, there were a lot and the burden was a heavy one), my true self unfolded like the petals of a lotus flower. It was amazing to behold: “Oh, there’s a little bit of me, and oh, there’s a little bit more, and wow, that was a big piece of me.” As I unfolded, my light, my sunshine, began to emerge. When a Mayan shaman tells you that “you shine,” well, I’m going to take his word for it.

lotus-flower

Now, this story isn’t really about me; I’m just the “vessel for the message.” Here’s what I know based on my own experience: beneath all that protective armor we put in place to keep us safe and secure is our true, beautiful self. Reveal her and you will shine bright.

Of course, if it were easy, we would all have done it long ago. It takes courage to lay down that first piece of armor, and second, and third. All that gorgeous dismantling and unfolding takes patience, a little bit of grit and determination, and compassion (mostly for yourself); and it is one of the most important journeys you will take in your life. But you have to choose it; no one will choose it or do it for you. And you don’t have to do it alone (there are professionals who can help you with that).

Now, some of you will choose to stay comfortably in neutral because it’s safe there. And that’s perfectly ok. Just know that neutral means more of the same. Change will happen to you, not through you if you stay in the neutral zone.

So, if the “blahs” of being in neutral start getting to you, or if you’ve moved beyond blah to the pain of recognition of what you’re missing, which is yourself, you are on the path to remembering who you truly are (and the pure joy of strawberry shortcake and whipped cream).

strawberries-and-cream

Copyright ©2016 Soulscape Coaching LLC.