The moment of surrender is not when life is over. It’s when it begins. – Marianne Williamson
For the longest time I had no idea what surrender really meant. It was only when I had to let go of so much in my life over more than a decade–a career or two, a long-time relationship, a home several times over, my native land (my Canadian readers will get this), all my furniture, my ego, my shame, many of my fears and more–and thought I was relatively “unattached” that a chasm swallowed me whole, and I had no choice but to surrender completely.
So when does the chasm open up? For some, it’s facing death, losing a loved one, or becoming disabled; for others it’s experiencing failure of an extraordinary kind; or it’s losing a deep connection to Spirit, which was what happened to me and was a loss that affected me as deeply as losing my Mom (and the two came in rapid succession). I had lost touch with everything that had saved me from myself.
What I did not realize at the time, but do now, is that I was experiencing another dark night of the soul. The first one I experienced was merely a prelude, and one that I willingly chose as I dove into the waiting embrace of Mama Cacao. The second one came out of nowhere, unbidden; and the more I resisted, the more it persisted.
The signs were all there, of course, that all I had to do was surrender completely and unequivocally to Spirit to be with Her again, but I did not know what surrender truly required. When I first connected to Spirit in cacao ceremony, I opened to Her, I celebrated Her, I honored Her, and I asked for Her guidance, but I never ever gave myself over to Her completely out of pure devotion. And that’s what surrender is….
Surrender is a journey from outer turmoil to inner peace. – Sri Chinmoy
In despair, I finally prayed and asked for Her help. It’s hard to believe that I had never actually prayed to Her. I had asked for guidance and received Her wisdom hundreds of times, but I had not asked for Her help from this place of absolute surrender. You see, we never prayed in our family. We didn’t ask for help. We relied on ourselves. Clearly this was another something that I had to let go of….
So, I prayed, and I prayed hard. And She sent me an answer, one that I did not understand at first, but followed, and which has since led me to a devotional path. I surrendered to it. (Note: this is so new to me that I’m not quite ready to share more, but will when I am.)
After my mother’s death, I came to understand that I had to stop resisting what I was being asked to do and be. In an earlier post, I mentioned that I had been “called to cacao” and that in a shamanic drumming journey my spirit animal had told me, “Everything cacao.” Not dabble in cacao, not share a little cacao ceremony every once in a while, not include it as an add on to my coaching, but full on cacao. Hello! How much more clear could that be? I surrendered to it.
I also remembered what Tomas, the Mayan shaman, said to me in Guatemala last year, “You will teach about life, but first you must teach about death.” Well, I struggled with that one for about a year to the day, and I’m sure I don’t have to remind you that my last three Cacao Journals have been, you guessed it, about death. I surrendered.
Then, just three weekends ago, I decided, at the very last moment, to attend a shamanic journeying workshop. Something whispered to me to go and when I asked my spirit animals in a guided meditation led by my brilliant, soul sister, Gina Vance at Soulstice Mind + Body Spa (yes, that was a shameless plug :)), they danced in joy. And I discovered something about myself at that workshop. I have journeyed so much with cacao and have such a strong relationship with my power spirit animal, that drum journeying is a perfect complement to “my” ceremonial work (“my” is in quotes because it’s not really mine, I am merely a messenger for Spirit’s work). I surrendered to that too. And I just bought the most beautiful Buffalo hide drum.
So, you are the first to know, after my husband, that I am no longer a soul’s path coach (please know that I will still call on my coaching skills as needed). I’m hesitant to call myself anything at this point, and I’m pretty sure that calling myself a messenger of Spirit would draw some attention on a business card :), so for now I’m a cacao medicine guide and shamanic practitioner for journeys to wholeness. And that may change too, but for now, it feels true as it comes from a place of total surrender.
I’m feeling a huge shift after all this surrendering. Remember that crystal birthed out of molten fire and pressure I mentioned in last week’s post? That’s me now.
Whew, that was intense. So, how do I end this post? Like this: life begins with surrender.