wholeness

The Cacao Journals: The Five Elements

~ nicole

If you even have a little mastery over the five elements within you, life will happen the way you want it to. – Sadhguru Jaggi Vasudev

The five elements are energies, not things. – Stefan Emunds, visionary author

When I began working with cacao several years ago, I created an altar for my personal cacao medicine journeys in the loft of our cabin in the redwoods. Enveloped in nature and feeling called to honor it, I was drawn to the elements: earth, water, air, fire and spirit/ether. Each direction of the altar represented an element and I found, purchased or made sacred treasures (crystals and stones, shells and a bowl of water, feathers, candles, a mala and medicine pouch) to honor them. In creating my altar with intention, love and beauty, I honored the elements and myself; it was nourishing, healing and exquisite.

In indigenous cultures, the elements are what everything in the universe is made of; they are all of creation; they are the circle of life. In yoga teachings, the elements help us understand the laws of nature and higher awareness. In Ayurveda, the elements are energies within the body-mind and are guides for our health. In paganism, we are made of all elements: earth our bodies; water our blood; air our breath; fire our spirit. In each of these traditions, when the elements are in balance life force flows positively.

In each of my ceremonies, I call in the elements as representations of the energies and qualities that, when in balance, make us whole and luminous. I created my own form for this, a universal honoring as I call in

  • Earth as Abundance, Nourishment, Love & Compassion
  • Water as Intuition, Flow & Messages from our Dreams and Soul
  • Air as Clarity, Illumination, Inspiration & Vision
  • Fire as Transformation, Life Force Energy & Creativity

The elements can also be identified as feminine and masculine aspects of ourselves: Earth and Water as the feminine; Air and Fire as the masculine. When they are in balanced relationship, we have integrated our masculine and feminine.

We are all whole and luminous in our deepest self and soul; our true purpose is to remember. Remembering comes when we give ourselves the space to drop into the ground of our being, that place of stillness and silence deep inside. No thought lays in wait here to hijack us, no emotion to be triggered, nothing to distract us. To find this place, we have to give ourselves over to it. Not easy at first, but it gets easier with practice; the mere act of intention, helps us to get there.

Ceremony, when done with intention, is the practice of giving ourselves over to the stillness, the silence where our wholeness resides. As Vanda Marlow, a wise soul sister, coach and facilitator, shared during her Soul Journey retreat at the Modern Elder Academy, “Ceremony is the intentional doorway into a wider world, a way to still oneself, the mind, and drop deeper into self. It all starts with a seed of intention.”

Ceremony drops us into this space, allowing us to honor each part, aspect and energy of ourselves and drop into the space of remembering who we truly are. Through this honoring, acceptance and integration, we walk in the world in our wholeness; we embody its truth.

In future blog posts (interspersed with other topics), I’ll be sharing more about each of the elements. I also have plans to honor them in a series of day retreats here in Northern California over the coming months and again next year in a week-long retreat to Guatemala. I’d be honored if you joined me in some way even if it just means reading my posts…..

Copyright ©2019 Soulscape Coaching LLC

The Cacao Journals: Healing through Loss

~ nicole ~ 1 Comment

A dear friend passed away this week. I’m devastated, reflective and humbled, all at the same time. Her illness was unexpected, her decline precipitous, and her death sudden. Given the gift of sharing my love for her over the phone by her family and friends, I said goodbye. And then I was just there, standing in the kitchen with my grief.

One of my friend’s favorite sayings was “good grief!” which she often exclaimed when I shared something she found dismaying or alarming. Given the adventures I’ve lived and shared, she said it more frequently than perhaps she or I would have liked! The term always felt somehow quaint and old fashioned, and was classically her.

Curious about its origins and meaning, I looked up the definition–”used to express surprise or annoyance” (Merriam Webster)–and then came across this organization–goodgrief.org, which is “a free informational resource to assist individuals and families in finding the wellsprings of renewal in the grieving process.”

This post was born because of both: the memory of her words and the resource that found me because of them. I dedicate this to my dear friend, Robin, who loved my writing and joked that she read my posts in search of punctuation errors, which she claimed she never found. May she be reading this now and find one or two. In my grieving has come that glimpse of renewal (and a brief smile as I write this).

In reflecting on her death, I came to the realization just how much I would miss her, the uniqueness of her. We had worked together for just one year, eight years ago, and had become “fast friends.” After I left the organization, we stayed close, saw each other a few times a year, and due to our schedules, filled the gaps with long, deep telephone conversations, a rarity in this day and age.

I could share anything with her because of the love and trust we had for one another. My increasingly unconventional life was an unending source of amusement and fascination for her, and while she may not have always understood or agreed with it, she accepted me and it unconditionally; and I her with her ordered closets, martini dinners, and wicked sense of humor. We made each other laugh and we cried together too. She even indulged me by allowing me to share a private cacao ceremony with her, which she, rather surprisingly to us both, loved.

To allow myself to feel fully and grieve, I found myself at the beach, where I often go to release my pain. There, I built a tiny altar of stones and shells in honor of her. As the tide rose, I wept, said goodbye and watched the waves envelop and wash away the altar. I kept one shell, a perfect spiral of a shell, as a beautiful memory of the ritual and of her. I have been carrying it (and her) in my pocket everywhere I go and it gives me such solace. I know she is with me always.

In reflecting on my grief, I came across this wonderful passage, which so eloquently expresses my experience of loss and healing:

“[W]e don’t get past the pain. We must go through it. We can’t go around it or over it or under it either. The path to healing through loss, which means the path to wholeness, requires that we incorporate our pain. To incorporate means to literally take the pain into our body (corps). We get to that place where joy and grief can live together by becoming whole. The process of healing, whether from a physical illness or from a catastrophic life disturbance is a transformational journey. We are changed in the process. The goal is not to be the ‘way we were’ once again, the goal is to be more than we were before, to include more of life. Ultimately the goal is to include loss in our love and trust of life.” – goodgrief.org

Good grief, Robin, I will miss you so, my darling friend! You will always and forever have a special place in my heart and soul. You are my soul sister.

Copyright ©2019 Soulscape Coaching.

The Cacao Journals: A Call to Wholeness

~ nicole
Dare to wear your soul on the outside…. Respond to the call: the call to passion and wholeness, the call to joy and fulfillment, the call to claim the magnificence and bounty of your own true voice. – Gloria Burgess

I can still be astonished by the healing power of Mama Cacao. I’m so close to the healing I received from her that sometimes I lose perspective. I still marvel at it, but most of the time, I’m just walking around in me all day, so I’m used to wearing my soul on the outside. When someone else experiences her healing power, my ears perk up and my perspective shifts. I see the soul healing before my very eyes; I feel it in my heart and soul.

In previous posts, I’ve mentioned that a cacao medicine journey or ceremony is a practice where your relationship with the spirit of cacao deepens over time with each ceremony. And sometimes she calls you to a further deepening, a deeper immersion.

A cacao dieta (diet) is that immersive practice. It’s a 10- or 14-day daily practice with cacao as healer and me as your guide. It begins with intention-setting, then a group or private cacao ceremony (this can be done virtually), followed by daily self- practice (as short or as long as you wish) with cacao either in the form of a bliss ball or a half serving of the cacao drink I share in ceremony. At the mid point of the dieta is a check in session to see how your deepening is progressing and if any adjustments need to be made. The dieta concludes with another cacao medicine journey, followed by a closing integration session. It can be profoundly and deeply healing.

A dear client and friend, who has experienced several cacao medicine journeys with me, recently felt called to complete a cacao dieta after she received a message in ceremony. She set her intention for her dieta as one of self-love to heal her inner wounds. At our mid point check in, she and I found ourselves in a state of absolute astonishment. I share her own words with you as a testament to her healing:

“I thought I had all this work to do and found it wasn’t about that at all…. Wholeness is always there. It’s learning about letting go, a 56-year process in the lightness of being. Embodying all I am is all I had to do. I am loving life.”

She felt herself opening to self-love and understanding that forgiveness does not require rehashing everything. There was none of “doing that to her.” She learned she just needs to be and when she does she feels luminescent. She has never felt more grounded in her life.

It makes me tear up as I write this because I know that all of us are whole in our deep soul. The truth of that is such a beautiful remembering.

Feel and follow your call to wholeness…. xoxo

Copyright ©2018 Soulscape Coaching LLC

Crystal Heart Wisdom I: Your Inner Bling

~ nicole
You know the world is a magical place, when Mother Earth grows her own jewelry. – Sagegoddess.com

This is the first in a series of posts exploring the concept of Crystal Heart Wisdom.

Each of us, just like Mother Earth, has a crystal at her core. Ours is our heart core, which (because we’ve all been wounded there) we have found ways to protect from further hurt. But that protection or armor keeps our inner light and our love a prisoner. It’s only through awareness of this armoring and taking the time and effort to remove it that can build our crystal core.

Letting go of our armor, which once protected us, and is now getting in the way of deep connection to ourselves, life and relationships, is one of the keys to becoming whole and luminous.

Recently, at my women’s retreat, I shared a simple and rather raw drawing (done in pencil crayon :)) of the energetic aspects and qualities that, when in balance, create and reveal our pure crystal heart wisdom. This journey truly only begins, and must begin, by taking our armor off and allowing ourselves to be vulnerable and transparent. Boundaries are necessary, of course, but I’ll get to that in a later post.

To allow ourselves to do this we must first want our life to be different than it is, and to want it so badly, that we’re willing to fully see and embrace who we are. What’s so amazingly and achingly beautiful is that underneath all that armor, we are whole.

When I moved from Canada to the States, I left behind a beautiful home, a relationship, close friends and family, everything except my dog, Lola (my ex kept our other dog). I so wanted a full life and love, brimming with joy and depth, and being fully seen and met. And I knew I had to be different to open and receive that life and love.

“A loving heart is the truest wisdom.” – Charles Dickens

Here’s what I discovered when I named my armor. My nickname, behind my back at work, was “The Ice Princess”. My light was still there, but it was behind a wall of ice. I didn’t let anyone get too close and as a result, I was perceived as cool and aloof, polite but unapproachable, perfectly professional and reserved. My armor was perfectionism (and beneath that a “numbing out” with excessive exercising and heavy social drinking). Hiding behind my armor had hurt me more than it had protected me.

Deeply unhappy and unfulfilled, I said to myself, “How do I need to be different to have the life and love I most want?”  And that’s when everything changed: I found the love I wanted because I was clear about what I needed and was open to receiving it; I made new, deep friendships because I shared who I truly was and what I cared about; I became a better leader at work because I allowed myself to be open and transparent with my team. This was the first BIG step on my journey to wholeness.

So, I invite you to ask yourself two questions: 1) “What is my armor?” and 2) “How do I need to be to have the life and love that I most want?” Explore what comes up for you and whether you are ready to step on that path of self discovery because of what becomes possible when you do. You may just find the deep connection you’ve always been looking for.

More Crystal Heart Wisdom to come….

With love & light,

Nicole

Copyright ©2018 Soulscape Coaching LLC

 

The Cacao Journals: Luminosity

~ nicole
No matter how long the room has been dark…the moment the lamp of awareness is lit the entire room becomes luminous. You are that luminosity. You are that clear light.
– Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche

I always set an intention for personal cacao ceremony as it informs Spirit of what I would like to receive. Mind you, I don’t always get what I ask for, but I always receive something and it’s always the medicine I need in that moment. And there are times it is so profoundly transforming, I just marvel at the message.

In one of my early journeys with cacao, my intention was to discover who I truly was. I was both curious and in need of knowing. Granted, it was a big intention, one we often ignore in our fast-paced lives or one we struggle to answer. I decided to give it up to Spirit. So as I embarked on my journey with cacao, I asked, “Who am I really?”

What I noticed first was a tingling in my hands, actually more of a “sparkling.” Then my whole body began to glow, and the glow grew and grew, until it filled the entire space with luminous light. It was so exquisitely beautiful and infinite.

The message I received was, “Be your luminous self,” and I wrote these words in my journal, “I am without fear. I am luminous. I am.” I had just experienced my own inner light; and it became a touchstone for me; an indelible, radiant image; a resource state that I could return to again and again even in my darkest moments.

What it allowed me to do–knowing that, at my core, I am the light–was begin to peel back the remaining protective layers that kept me “safe” because I realized that nothing could actually harm or extinguish my inner light. I felt as though I was removing the last chains holding me captive, the last layers hiding my light; it was, as you can imagine, incredibly liberating.

I began to see reflections of this light in people I met, some of whom met light with light (that was incredible), and others, who had turned away from the light and were held captive in their own darkness. I found myself no longer willing to hide or diminish my light. My thinking was if my light is untouchable and infinite, then I can shine it.

In the healing arts, we’re often told to create a luminous egg of light energy around us, so we don’t take on other people’s energy. It’s a form of protection. What I discovered is that I no longer had to pull this energy in to build an “egg;” when I radiated my light, it came from an infinite source.

What’s so beautiful is that this light is in us all. According to Mayan cosmology, we are the light, descended from the stars to which we will return. I happen to be from Orion, according to a Mayan shaman, if anyone is wondering :).

Unfortunately, on this earthly plane, our light is held captive by the protective strategies we took on when we first got hurt deeply. Instinctively, at that first inner wounding, we protected our heart from more hurt; and, out of fear, we hid our light, the essence of who we truly are. Without realizing it, our lives became controlled by fear.

When we begin to realize these strategies are fear-based and are the very thing holding us back from what we truly want and who we truly are, we want to let go, but we’re still afraid because we don’t quite know how.

Seeing a glimmer of your own light is crucial as it’s what will inspire and motivate you to not be afraid, to heal the hurt, and become whole again.

So, how do you see your own light? It starts with being curious, willing to see that you have become your own captor, and opening to receive the message. And it may require some cacao :). Or another catalyst that allows for gentle inquiry, witnessing and inner work.

That’s how I began my own journey, and how I guide my clients to begin theirs.

You are Luminous.

Are you open to seeing and reclaiming your light?

I’d be delighted to have a conversation with you about reclaiming your light. My gift to you for the holidays. Because we all need more light in the world….

Copyright ©2017 Soulscape Coaching LLC

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Cacao Journals: Integrating our Masculine & Feminine

~ nicole
When the Condor of the South flies with the Eagle of the North, a new day for Earth will awaken. – Inca Prophecy

Before each cacao ceremony, I always look into the significance of the day in the Mayan Calendar and allow the energy associated with it to inform ceremony. Some days are more auspicious than others; some are feisty and need to be balanced; and others provide deep reflection or spiritual connection. When we align ourselves with these energies and allow them to guide us, our days flow more easily.

So, in preparation for my upcoming Elemental Cacao Ceremony at FLOW Studio on November 4, I looked up the Day Sign, which is 2 Kawoq. The numeral 2 (of 13) represents the galactic tone energy of the day; and Kawoq (1 of 20 signs) is the Day Sign energy, spirit or essence of that day in this year. Together they are a system of astrology and divination that is celebrated in daily ritual and sacred ceremony.

Two is the symbol of duality: birth and death, joy and sadness, night and day, darkness and light, and male and female; while Kawoq is the divine feminine, which can bring a certain wild storminess, while supporting spiritual connection and communication. The combination of the two requires directing this wild feminine energy toward positive desires, and to do so means seeing “very, very far down the road you are traveling…so you may see a clearer, deeper, purer truth (Mayan Calendar Portal).”

Art by Brady Wedman and Maya Jensen

As part of my Elemental Cacao series, I had chosen the element, Air, to be honored in this ceremony. Air symbolizes clarity of vision, inspiration and the ability to see expansively like the eagle, which soars above the land seeing far and wide. The clarity of the eagle, balanced by our inner desires and intentions, brings us to a deeper truth than either would on its own.

Many indigenous prophecies foretold that human societies would split into two paths: one of the Eagle, which symbolizes the path of the mind, the material and the masculine; and the other, the Condor, which is the path of the heart, intuition and the feminine.

The prophecies also foretold that the potential exists within all of us for the Eagle and the Condor to come together and fly in the same sky when we create a new level of consciousness and live in balance with nature and within ourselves. It is up to us to activate this potential.

When the sacred masculine is combined with the sacred feminine inside each of us, we create the “sacred marriage” of compassion and passion in ourselves. –Matthew Fox

The path we are being asked to take now, in these times of crisis and chaos, is towards a higher expression of ourselves, to balance and integrate our masculine and feminine energies. We’ve gotten off center, out of alignment, either too much in one or too much in the other, which throws us and society out of balance.

It is the will of our hearts that allows these energies to come together again, to be in balance. This deep truth and heart wisdom will heal us and allow us to be whole again. Integrating the positive aspects of our masculine and feminine energies is an absolute requirement on our journey to wholeness.

Having spent 18 years in the corporate world, I had developed a strong, masculine side and had to relearn how to be vulnerable, trust my intuition, be comfortable with uncertainty, and open myself to the flow of life. What I found as I integrated my feminine side was a lightness of being, loving acceptance and a deeper trust of myself, and infinite joy.

Being aware that this integration of the masculine and feminine is necessary and critical to our wellbeing is the first step. Opening to the positive aspects that we have not embraced in ourselves (and that we often look to others to fill) is next. What’s missing in our lives is found within ourselves….

Copyright ©2017 Soulscape Coaching LLC

The Cacao Journals: Surrender

~ nicole
The moment of surrender is not when life is over. It’s when it begins. – Marianne Williamson

For the longest time I had no idea what surrender really meant. It was only when I had to let go of so much in my life over more than a decade–a career or two, a long-time relationship, a home several times over, my native land (my Canadian readers will get this), all my furniture, my ego, my shame, many of my fears and more–and thought I was relatively “unattached” that a chasm swallowed me whole, and I had no choice but to surrender completely.

So when does the chasm open up? For some, it’s facing death, losing a loved one, or becoming disabled; for others it’s experiencing failure of an extraordinary kind; or it’s losing a deep connection to Spirit, which was what happened to me and was a loss that affected me as deeply as losing my Mom (and the two came in rapid succession). I had lost touch with everything that had saved me from myself.

What I did not realize at the time, but do now, is that I was experiencing another dark night of the soul. The first one I experienced was merely a prelude, and one that I willingly chose as I dove into the waiting embrace of Mama Cacao. The second one came out of nowhere, unbidden; and the more I resisted, the more it persisted.

The signs were all there, of course, that all I had to do was surrender completely and unequivocally to Spirit to be with Her again, but I did not know what surrender truly required. When I first connected to Spirit in cacao ceremony, I opened to Her, I celebrated Her, I honored Her, and I asked for Her guidance, but I never ever gave myself over to Her completely out of pure devotion. And that’s what surrender is….

Surrender is a journey from outer turmoil to inner peace. – Sri Chinmoy

In despair, I finally prayed and asked for Her help. It’s hard to believe that I had never actually prayed to Her. I had asked for guidance and received Her wisdom hundreds of times, but I had not asked for Her help from this place of absolute surrender. You see, we never prayed in our family. We didn’t ask for help. We relied on ourselves. Clearly this was another something that I had to let go of….

So, I prayed, and I prayed hard. And She sent me an answer, one that I did not understand at first, but followed, and which has since led me to a devotional path. I surrendered to it. (Note: this is so new to me that I’m not quite ready to share more, but will when I am.)

After my mother’s death, I came to understand that I had to stop resisting what I was being asked to do and be. In an earlier post, I mentioned that I had been “called to cacao” and that in a shamanic drumming journey my spirit animal had told me, “Everything cacao.” Not dabble in cacao, not share a little cacao ceremony every once in a while, not include it as an add on to my coaching, but full on cacao. Hello! How much more clear could that be? I surrendered to it.

I also remembered what Tomas, the Mayan shaman, said to me in Guatemala last year, “You will teach about life, but first you must teach about death.” Well, I struggled with that one for about a year to the day, and I’m sure I don’t have to remind you that my last three Cacao Journals have been, you guessed it, about death. I surrendered.

Then, just three weekends ago, I decided, at the very last moment, to attend a shamanic journeying workshop. Something whispered to me to go and when I asked my spirit animals in a guided meditation led by my brilliant, soul sister, Gina Vance at Soulstice Mind + Body Spa (yes, that was a shameless plug :)), they danced in joy. And I discovered something about myself at that workshop. I have journeyed so much with cacao and have such a strong relationship with my power spirit animal, that drum journeying is a perfect complement to “my” ceremonial work (“my” is in quotes because it’s not really mine, I am merely a messenger for Spirit’s work). I surrendered to that too. And I just bought the most beautiful Buffalo hide drum.

So, you are the first to know, after my husband, that I am no longer a soul’s path coach (please know that I will still call on my coaching skills as needed). I’m hesitant to call myself anything at this point, and I’m pretty sure that calling myself a messenger of Spirit would draw some attention on a business card :), so for now I’m a cacao medicine guide and shamanic practitioner for journeys to wholeness. And that may change too, but for now, it feels true as it comes from a place of total surrender.

I’m feeling a huge shift after all this surrendering. Remember that crystal birthed out of molten fire and pressure I mentioned in last week’s post? That’s me now.

Whew, that was intense. So, how do I end this post? Like this: life begins with surrender.

Copyright ©2017 Soulscape Coaching LLC, soon to be known as Soulscape Journeys LLC.

The Cacao Journals: Inner Peace

~ nicole ~ 2 Comments
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always. ~ Ian Maclaren

As I sat at my Mom’s bedside in palliative care, I heard the suffering of the other women patients close by. I felt deeply for each of them, sharing their pain in different ways. I know nothing of their lives and yet I became intimately aware of their frustrations, fears and pain. I was not always comfortable with this knowledge, and at the same time I knew that discomfort, when we don’t push it away and instead sit with it, can deepen our understanding of ourselves, and, in this case, our relationship with life and death.

I have three perspectives to offer about life and death: one is based on my experience with cacao (but, of course!), the second on my understanding of the ancient Maya’s view of death, and another is based on my recent reading of Tibetan Buddhist teachings as I sought solace during my mother’s last days. Each is unique and yet beautifully resonant. May they bring some wisdom to guide you.

In my own cacao journeys and that of others, the inner voices of negativity, self-doubt, and self-blame are simply gone. Spirit only communicates through love and compassion (if you hear another voice, it’s not spirit…). When I first experienced her unconditional love, it was in that moment that I began to love myself. One of the many messages I received from her was this: “It is only self-love that can make you whole.”

Loving, and having compassion for, myself meant that I could no longer allow for negative self-talk. When I became painfully aware of the “talk,” I was able to witness it as false and hurtful and call it out. I didn’t blame it or shame it, I just said to it, “I see you and am letting you go.” It still arises from time to time, but I almost always catch it in action and am able to laugh and say, “Oh, there’s my old frenemy again.” It’s become powerless over me. The voice that now speaks from within me is the one of spirit: unconditionally loving and fiercely compassionate. She’s my inner jaguar. This is where my sense of peace and fearlessness about life and death comes from.

In ancient Mayan times, a ball game, called the Great Ballcourt, connected the people to spirit and taught them about unconditional love, compassion and peace in the face of death as they witnessed the fearlessness of the players who played the game. In this game, the captain of the winning team “won” the prize of dying. Yes, you read that correctly, he died for playing without fear.

The Maya understood that to play fearlessly and with absolute freedom players needed to be able to accept their own death and resolve all unfinished business before entering the court. According to Elle Harrison in Wild Courage: A Journey of Transformation for You and Your Business, players “could not afford to be distracted in the critical moment by regrets, unresolved feelings or things left unsaid.” Once they agreed and took what was called, the Decision Road, the next phase of their journey, the Death Lodge, allowed the player to ask for and give forgiveness, express gratitude for the life he had lived so far and share his love with the people who had made it meaningful. How beautiful is that?

The final night before the game the players entered the third stage of preparation, the Purpose Circle: “The Purpose Circle was an all-night vigil spent along on the edge of a pit filled with the skulls of previous Ballcourt winners, literally looking death in the face…. In the Death Lodge he made good his relationship with others; in the Purpose Circle he made good with his relationship with himself….and made peace with himself, his life, with all its beauty and failings. Only then could he surrender fully into the game the next day.”

I love the concept of the Purpose Circle because it gives life deep meaning through self-acceptance and self-love. So much of what we battle in life and even as we are dying are our inner voices of negativity, self-blame and criticism, which hold us back from truly living life or dying a peaceful death. What becomes possible when we let go of those voices is inner peace and acceptance.

The Buddhists have a deep understanding of death and rebirth. They believe that the last thought we have when we are dying will determine our next life, so meditating on Buddha or praying to God may well ensure that your last thought is a good (or godly) one. Cultivating the inner voice of stillness through meditation and simply noticing and witnessing thoughts that arise is the path to a peaceful mind and Buddha-like thoughts.

If we take the wisdom of all three perspectives–accepting and loving who we are, identifying and witnessing our inner voices and thoughts, forgiving ourselves and others, and building inner practices to find stillness–we will find inner peace.

It was these understandings that guided me as I sat in witness to the pain being expressed by the women surrounding me.  For one, her expression took the form of endless complaining and restlessness; for another, the quiet lament of “I’m so tired” repeated over and over again until she changed the refrain to “I’m so ashamed.” It was almost unbearable to feel their pain and shame. Not being fully in control of our lives and even our death is a great fear we all have.

There were days when I almost lost my mind, listening to the open and raw expression of pain and fear. To stay centered and sane, I had the presence of mind to walk down to the courtyard garden, with my Mom in a wheelchair when she was still able or alone when she wasn’t; or say my own pain-lifting mantra, Om Mani Padme Hum, while counting mala beads by her bed; or read Sogyal Rinpoche’s, The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying as I sought peace and consolation.  It made me realize just how important having a relationship with death is. And not just my mother’s passing, but my own. Death reminds us that so much of life is fleeting and changeable. How we accept what the Buddhists call impermanence may well reveal how we accept death itself.

My mother and I did not talk about her death at any great length, as she was an intensely private person to the end. What she did share was that she had had a good, long life and was ready to go. While she was not a religious person, she did have a secret spiritual side, sending money away and receiving crystals, stones, amulets, and spirit dolls that brought her hope. Since I couldn’t know what her last thought was going to be (hopefully, one of spirit), I said this Buddhist prayer for myself and then for her each day to ease her passage and my mind, and for the both of us to face death fearlessly. May it bring you peace.

Phowa Prayer

Through your blessing, grace, and guidance, through the power of the light that streams from you:

May all my negative karma, destructive emotions, obscurations, and blockages be purified and removed,

May I know myself forgiven for all the harm I may have thought and done,

May I accomplish this profound practice of phowa, and die a good and peaceful death,

And through the triumph of my death, may I be able to benefit all other beings, living or dead.

~ Sogyal Rinpoche, The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying

Copyright ©2017 Soulscape Coaching LLC

The warrior way–the path from fear to possibility

~ nicole

Sometimes I forget I’m a warrior on my own path of self-realization. So, when I come up against a formidable foe like fear, I have to force myself to look deeply inside and find my courage.

Fear is a gargantuan roiling force feeding on its own energy, a many headed dragon that keeps growing new heads when you chop one off. It takes fierce strength and self awareness to defeat it.

I have my own dragon–a fear of failure–that has been an ever present fear for me since childhood when being perfect was very valued.  It’s been a constant companion, stalking and sabotaging me, holding me back from doing the things I most need to do. And just when I believe I’ve conquered it, it comes back in another form.

Recently I launched a marketing campaign for my first online course. I procrastinated, I perfected, I despaired at the technology, I lost belief in myself–all self-sabotaging behaviors. When I felt such deep sadness about my loss of belief, it was only then that I was able to push the button and send out the campaign. I knew then that the many headed dragon of fear was rearing another of its ugly heads and was destroying me from the inside out. And that I had to stop it. I had to find the source of my fear.

So what lay under my fear? I was afraid that if I sent my offering out into the world, no one would want it, and that somehow that would be a rejection of me, of who I am at my core. That’s the fear of annihilation. Yup, it’s heavy stuff, but very real at an unconscious level.

Now I know that nothing and no one can touch my soul, my essence, who I am at my core (I’ve done a lot of work on this), but I have to remind myself of that over and over again….

Nothing can touch my soul

But there was something even more to my fear…. I was creating an apocalyptic what-if scenario. What if I put all this effort into creating something that no one wanted? What if no one signed up for my course? That’s devastating on so many levels, including financially. Annihilation all over the place. Very messy.

And then I realized that my mind was fabricating my own mess. I was so attached to a particular outcome, to people signing up, that if it didn’t happen, it would be catastrophic. But what if there were other possible outcomes I couldn’t even imagine? Aha.

So I looked at what was showing up for me: the very first day, I received beautiful well wishes and intentions to forward my offer to friends; thumbs up and hearts for sharing my feelings and fears; and heartfelt gratitude for inspiring people to face their own fears and put something of theirs out there too. Maybe, just maybe the outcome I so desired–of having people take my course–was not be the point of it after all….

  • What if my offering was to inspire others to share their gifts with the world?
  • What if other opportunities would show up for me that would allow me to share my gifts in other ways?
  • What if something else was waiting for me that I wouldn’t see or be open to unless my desired outcome didn’t happen?

Letting go opens up possibility

What I know deeply now is that it’s in the letting go of the outcome that the dragon of fear is neutralized. I can’t possibly know what Spirit (or the Universe) has in mind for me. Only She knows what I most need to learn or experience or how best to share my gifts. And that’s why we’re really here, isn’t it? To evolve into our wholeness, into our highest potential, and to live into our soul gifts.

Of course, I very much want people to take my course. Psst, click here if you’re curious. That is the intention I am putting out into the world and to Spirit. But I am not holding onto it in fear. I am letting it go and allowing other possible, amazing outcomes to show up. When I do this, I am fearless, open to possibility. That’s the warrior way.

How are you living into the warrior way? What becomes possible for you when you do?

Finding the courage to come out of the woods….

~ Nicole Gnutzman
Do not look for a sanctuary inside anyone except yourself. – Buddha
Remember…the entrance to the sanctuary is within you. – Rumi

I am a woodland elf, or at least that’s what my husband affectionately calls me. I must admit that I do look a bit elvish (someone also once called me Cindy Lou Who from Dr. Seuss’s How the Grinch Stole Christmas), but I digress…. And I do thrive in the woods; there’s just something about the energy of trees and sunshine.

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And so, living into my elvish nature, I lived on “retreat” in the redwoods near Mendocino, CA for the past year guiding clients to find their soul’s path and gifts and deepening my own inner transformation. It was the perfect work–life balance and the most nourishing sanctuary I have ever experienced. I could have stayed there forever nibbling on nuts and berries or whatever elves eat.

p1020734But Life or Spirit or the Universe had another idea in mind. Just when you think you have let go of everything you no longer need, you realize there’s always more, more to let go of and more to live into….. So, you ask, what had I become so attached to, that I didn’t want to let go of? My sanctuary in the woods.

Yup, I was getting a bit too comfortable there, all cozy by the wood fire, holding ceremony in my sacred space in the loft, and working remotely in my pajamas (actually, I wore real clothes, but I could have been in my PJ’s).

And then, the owner of our cabin (we rented), sold it! I was in shock; I was in denial all the way through escrow; I was simply devastated. And I discovered that I was not immune to the effect of change. The rugs that gets pulled out from under us take many forms; mine happened to be made of wood and glass and stone.

So, we found ourselves having to find another sanctuary, something we had done before, so we weren’t too worried. We’d always been pretty good at manifesting beautiful places to live. Only this time, nothing showed up. Or what showed up was so not right for us that we started to question ourselves. Were we not clear about what we wanted, were we sending Spirit mixed messages, or did She have something else in mind for us?

In a moment of deep sadness, I prayed to Spirit and asked why I was losing my home and sanctuary, and She gently told me, “Your sanctuary is within. You carry it everywhere you go. It is all you need.”

Perhaps it was time for me to come out of the woods…. Especially now. Staying in the woods when conscious awareness and activism are so needed at this time would have been my version of running away, an escape from hard reality, a retreat of a whole other kind.

So, here I am, writing this from our sailboat in Sausalito, our tiny home on the water for now, re-engaging with life, old friends and community; finding ways to be of service; and bringing my gifts to guide others to find theirs, so we may heal and be whole, strengthen our resiliency and resolve, and co-create the world we want to see.

We all have our own woods to which we retreat. And we each are our own sanctuary. What’s needed now is for us to find the courage to come out of the woods, find ways to nourish our inner sense of sanctuary, and find ways to share our gifts and be of service.

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