Nobody can give you wiser advice than yourself. – Marcus Tullius Cicero, Roman philosopher
I just love the name, “appreciative inquiry.” It conjures up warm thoughts of “appreciation” and “inquisitiveness,” with overtones of deep listening and caring. It’s listening and relating vs. assessing and advising, a lost skill in our culture where advice giving dominates.
I share this having just returned from the Modern Elder Academy (MEA) where we practiced holding space for each other and the art of appreciative inquiry. We modeled the behavior we each want for each other. We felt seen, heard, understood and supported. We often became clear and knew what to go do just by being listened to, and when we didn’t, we felt comfortable asking for support or advice when we were ready, knowing what we would receive came from a place of engaged listening and deep understanding. True wisdom comes from this place.
As Chip Conley, founder of MEA, shared, modern elders have the emotional intelligence to listen, understand and “describe, not prescribe.” This appreciative practice is similar to coaching, where the coach asks questions that empowers the client to find a solution that inspires self-determined action. And it’s not just for wise elders…. Everyone can practice this.
Advice giving is easy and even a bit lazy. While it may seem faster to just tell someone what to do, it isn’t faster for them unless they actually take action. People take action when the solution “resonates” for them, when it’s attuned to where they are. Someone else’s perfectly good solution may not be theirs because it doesn’t fit them.
I have been on the receiving end of unsolicited advice many times on something I “should” do. Just so you know, as soon as the word “should” is uttered either by a friend or colleague or even by me to me, I run the other way. I banished the words “should” and “try” from my vocabulary a long time ago because they are warning signs of a lack of fit and commitment. In other words, my heart was not in it, which is absolutely essential for change or action to happen.
Advice without any inquiry about where I am, what I’ve done or where I want to go is likely advice that won’t fit me. When it’s given and I’m not seen, the result is almost always mutual frustration. I’m busy saying to myself, “She doesn’t understand me/my work/my life,” while the other person is saying to themselves, “Why won’t she do what worked for me/others?” Truly seeing and hearing the other person by asking positive, appreciative questions without judgment and not leading them to what you really want for them is the way of the wise counselor. The act of listening goes both ways.
At the end of the day, Cicero is right. No one can give you better advice than yourself, but sometimes a wise person can help you by seeing, listening and reflecting back to you the brightness of you. How can you be that wise counsel for others? You might just be surprised what you receive in return.
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