life

The Cacao Journals: Healing through Loss

~ nicole ~ 1 Comment

A dear friend passed away this week. I’m devastated, reflective and humbled, all at the same time. Her illness was unexpected, her decline precipitous, and her death sudden. Given the gift of sharing my love for her over the phone by her family and friends, I said goodbye. And then I was just there, standing in the kitchen with my grief.

One of my friend’s favorite sayings was “good grief!” which she often exclaimed when I shared something she found dismaying or alarming. Given the adventures I’ve lived and shared, she said it more frequently than perhaps she or I would have liked! The term always felt somehow quaint and old fashioned, and was classically her.

Curious about its origins and meaning, I looked up the definition–”used to express surprise or annoyance” (Merriam Webster)–and then came across this organization–goodgrief.org, which is “a free informational resource to assist individuals and families in finding the wellsprings of renewal in the grieving process.”

This post was born because of both: the memory of her words and the resource that found me because of them. I dedicate this to my dear friend, Robin, who loved my writing and joked that she read my posts in search of punctuation errors, which she claimed she never found. May she be reading this now and find one or two. In my grieving has come that glimpse of renewal (and a brief smile as I write this).

In reflecting on her death, I came to the realization just how much I would miss her, the uniqueness of her. We had worked together for just one year, eight years ago, and had become “fast friends.” After I left the organization, we stayed close, saw each other a few times a year, and due to our schedules, filled the gaps with long, deep telephone conversations, a rarity in this day and age.

I could share anything with her because of the love and trust we had for one another. My increasingly unconventional life was an unending source of amusement and fascination for her, and while she may not have always understood or agreed with it, she accepted me and it unconditionally; and I her with her ordered closets, martini dinners, and wicked sense of humor. We made each other laugh and we cried together too. She even indulged me by allowing me to share a private cacao ceremony with her, which she, rather surprisingly to us both, loved.

To allow myself to feel fully and grieve, I found myself at the beach, where I often go to release my pain. There, I built a tiny altar of stones and shells in honor of her. As the tide rose, I wept, said goodbye and watched the waves envelop and wash away the altar. I kept one shell, a perfect spiral of a shell, as a beautiful memory of the ritual and of her. I have been carrying it (and her) in my pocket everywhere I go and it gives me such solace. I know she is with me always.

In reflecting on my grief, I came across this wonderful passage, which so eloquently expresses my experience of loss and healing:

“[W]e don’t get past the pain. We must go through it. We can’t go around it or over it or under it either. The path to healing through loss, which means the path to wholeness, requires that we incorporate our pain. To incorporate means to literally take the pain into our body (corps). We get to that place where joy and grief can live together by becoming whole. The process of healing, whether from a physical illness or from a catastrophic life disturbance is a transformational journey. We are changed in the process. The goal is not to be the ‘way we were’ once again, the goal is to be more than we were before, to include more of life. Ultimately the goal is to include loss in our love and trust of life.” – goodgrief.org

Good grief, Robin, I will miss you so, my darling friend! You will always and forever have a special place in my heart and soul. You are my soul sister.

Copyright ©2019 Soulscape Coaching.

Crystal Heart Wisdom I: Your Inner Bling

~ nicole
You know the world is a magical place, when Mother Earth grows her own jewelry. – Sagegoddess.com

This is the first in a series of posts exploring the concept of Crystal Heart Wisdom.

Each of us, just like Mother Earth, has a crystal at her core. Ours is our heart core, which (because we’ve all been wounded there) we have found ways to protect from further hurt. But that protection or armor keeps our inner light and our love a prisoner. It’s only through awareness of this armoring and taking the time and effort to remove it that can build our crystal core.

Letting go of our armor, which once protected us, and is now getting in the way of deep connection to ourselves, life and relationships, is one of the keys to becoming whole and luminous.

Recently, at my women’s retreat, I shared a simple and rather raw drawing (done in pencil crayon :)) of the energetic aspects and qualities that, when in balance, create and reveal our pure crystal heart wisdom. This journey truly only begins, and must begin, by taking our armor off and allowing ourselves to be vulnerable and transparent. Boundaries are necessary, of course, but I’ll get to that in a later post.

To allow ourselves to do this we must first want our life to be different than it is, and to want it so badly, that we’re willing to fully see and embrace who we are. What’s so amazingly and achingly beautiful is that underneath all that armor, we are whole.

When I moved from Canada to the States, I left behind a beautiful home, a relationship, close friends and family, everything except my dog, Lola (my ex kept our other dog). I so wanted a full life and love, brimming with joy and depth, and being fully seen and met. And I knew I had to be different to open and receive that life and love.

“A loving heart is the truest wisdom.” – Charles Dickens

Here’s what I discovered when I named my armor. My nickname, behind my back at work, was “The Ice Princess”. My light was still there, but it was behind a wall of ice. I didn’t let anyone get too close and as a result, I was perceived as cool and aloof, polite but unapproachable, perfectly professional and reserved. My armor was perfectionism (and beneath that a “numbing out” with excessive exercising and heavy social drinking). Hiding behind my armor had hurt me more than it had protected me.

Deeply unhappy and unfulfilled, I said to myself, “How do I need to be different to have the life and love I most want?”  And that’s when everything changed: I found the love I wanted because I was clear about what I needed and was open to receiving it; I made new, deep friendships because I shared who I truly was and what I cared about; I became a better leader at work because I allowed myself to be open and transparent with my team. This was the first BIG step on my journey to wholeness.

So, I invite you to ask yourself two questions: 1) “What is my armor?” and 2) “How do I need to be to have the life and love that I most want?” Explore what comes up for you and whether you are ready to step on that path of self discovery because of what becomes possible when you do. You may just find the deep connection you’ve always been looking for.

More Crystal Heart Wisdom to come….

With love & light,

Nicole

Copyright ©2018 Soulscape Coaching LLC

 

The Cacao Journals: from Gratitude comes Abundance

~ nicole
The miracle of gratitude is that it shifts your perception to such an extent that it changes the world you see. – Dr. Robert Holden

If grace is ever present in our lives, just waiting patiently to be noticed, then once we do see and acknowledge it, what arises naturally is a feeling of gratitude. Grace is the unexpected gift for which we wish to give thanks.

Now granted, sometimes the gift may not be exactly what you asked for, but in the case of Spirit, it’s exactly what you need in the moment; it just may take a while to see it….

In indigenous cultures, giving thanks to Spirit and showing gratitude is integral to their way of being, expressed in their daily rituals, ceremonies and prayer. The indigenous peoples understand that we achieve nothing without the aid of the Spirit and that we must be humble enough to ask for assistance and be grateful for what we receive.

We of so-called “modern” cultures have lost this connection, this daily giving of thanks. It can take but a moment, and the benefits are beyond measure.

Gratitude is the open door to abundance. – Harbhajan Singh Yogi

Each day before I meditate while chanting a mantra, I share an intention, a prayer if you will, for what I would like to receive. Some days my prayer is for clarity on an issue I’m facing; on others I ask for financial abundance, so I may keep being of service with my work; and sometimes I ask for grace on someone else’s behalf. I allow the intention to rise from deep within me, write it in my journal and then let go.

Not being attached to the outcome, and allowing Spirit to bring what’s most needed, requires deep trust. It can shake you to the core of your being this trust piece. With trust comes abundance; with fear, scarcity.

Abundance is a process of letting go; that which is empty can receive. – Bryant H. McGill

Before I begin each meditation, I pause, reflect on how grace has shown up, and give thanks for what I have received. There’s a beautiful sense of reciprocity about the acts of asking, letting go, receiving and giving thanks. It is from, and into, this place of emptiness that abundance comes.

When we define abundance from a “modern” perspective, we most often think of financial or outer abundance; it’s rare that we think of inner abundance, the state of being connected to self and source in a reciprocal relationship.

To create a state of inner abundance in your life, find a way to give thanks each day. Start a gratitude journal and write something you are grateful for every day for 41 days (that’s the time needed to create a new habit that begins to “inhabit” us, changing our mindset and behavior).

Believe me, some days you will be challenged to find anything for which to be grateful. On those days, be grateful for the smallest thing: the clean water you drink, the nutritious food you eat, or the flowers that you see growing through some chains or through a crack in a rock.

When I did my own practice, I took an unbelievable amount of pictures of flowers growing through things, flowers growing freely, trees, the sun, the moon, water, the beach, and animals. I was grateful for them all and I began to see the world differently; it was more vibrant, more alive and more loving than I ever imagined. Eventually, you begin to notice more and more of the grace that surrounds you. And life feels and becomes more abundant.

To live in gratitude allows fear to fall away and abundance to appear. From gratitude comes abundance.

Copyright ©2018 Soulscape Coaching LLC.

The Cacao Journals: Letting Go

~ nicole
Surrender to what is. Let go of what was. Have faith in what will be. – Sonia Ricotti

Being with my Mom as she was dying made me see how important it is to be able to let go in life and in death. True compassion lives in the act of letting go, and yet it one of the hardest things we have to do in life. Far too often we have to learn the hard way to let go of that to which we have become attached.

Life’s not-so-subtle attachments usually come first: not feeling so attached to our material possessions or all our physical “stuff;” letting go of relationships and friendships that no longer feel right or good or true; not identifying solely with our role as mother, daughter, caregiver or business leader; and letting the armor or masks we wear to protect ourselves fall away. These are all big, tough things to let go of. I’ve had to let go of more than a few of these as I discovered the truth of who I am….

The more-subtle ones are our emotional body attachments, which are based in fear. Our ego-based fears take the form of not feeling worthy, blaming or shaming ourselves or others, and the need to be in control–this is a big, juicy one, which I’ll get to in a moment. We all suffer from these fears and yet letting go of them is challenging because we’ve lived with them most of our lives. They’re like barnacles; we don’t really want them on our boat, but they’ve been there a long while and are stuck, and it’s really hard to scrape them off. Plus then we might have to repaint the boat :).

The most subtle of all often take time to surface because we let usually go of the less subtle ones first. Control is both. It can be so sneaky and crafty as it hides in the tiniest places. Wanting someone else to change; not accepting when things don’t go “our” way; and not listening to our intuition or spiritual guidance are all ways that our ego tries to controls us. So, just when you think you’re done letting go of being in control, there’s always a little bit more….

And what’s left, after all that letting go, is the most beautiful, luminous crystal made from all that pressure and molten fire. It’s you, all shiny and purified, and so much wiser and stronger.

It’s only in the letting go that we can open to something new; it’s only in the letting go that we can find our inner crystalline light; it’s only in the letting go that we rediscover the essence of who we truly are. And it’s hard because it’s the not knowing or the gap between the known and the unknown that terrifies and paralyzes us. We’re just not good with the unknown. We so want to be in control.

People have a heard time letting of of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar. – Thich Nhat Hanh

What the unknown requires is curiosity, a sense of wonder and belief. Curiosity about what’s possible; wonder in not just the beauty of life, but in the suffering; trusting in ourselves that we know if we listen deeply, and believing in something greater than ourselves, in the mystery.

To let go we more than often need a catalyst of some kind. Some catalysts come out of nowhere and sideswipe us; and others we choose willingly. Some are fast and others are slow–I chose cacao as my catalyst and teacher because I wanted a fast route that came with GPS.

When we open to our catalyst, we are curious, we are in a natural state of wonder, and we believe. And when we fully embrace the catalytic experience, it changes and transforms us so we become that beautiful, luminescent crystal.

One of the amazing palliative care nurses, who looked after my Mom, shared with us that it’s good to let the dying know that they can let go and that their loved ones, who have already passed, are waiting for them. She encouraged us to tell Mom, that our Dad, John, was waiting for her. So, we did. My sister, Michelle, said, “Mom, it’s ok to let go. John is waiting for you. Oma is waiting for you.” When she said, “Oma,” which means grandmother in German, my Mom’s face lit up and she beamed from ear to ear. It was so incredible to witness her light, joy, and peace.

I then shared with my Mom, “Michelle and I are at peace with your leaving. We love you and will miss you, and we’ll be okay. You don’t have to worry about us anymore.” You see, my Mom was a worrier as many Mom’s are. She always wanted to make sure we were okay, so this allowed her to let go.

Choose your catalyst (or embrace the one that comes to you), stay curious, stand in awe of the wonder and mystery of life, and know and believe that what you are opening to is exactly what you need. Give yourself permission to let go of whatever is holding you back, standing in your way, or keeping you from the joy and peace that’s on the other side. Let go, so that what’s meant to be reveals itself.

Letting go is on the path to surrendering to what is. To fully surrender (there’s no halfway or part of the way as I discovered), we have to let go of the struggle that we don’t even know we are holding on to; it’s that subtle.

Copyright ©2017 Soulscape Coaching LLC

The Cacao Journals: Inner Peace

~ nicole ~ 2 Comments
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always. ~ Ian Maclaren

As I sat at my Mom’s bedside in palliative care, I heard the suffering of the other women patients close by. I felt deeply for each of them, sharing their pain in different ways. I know nothing of their lives and yet I became intimately aware of their frustrations, fears and pain. I was not always comfortable with this knowledge, and at the same time I knew that discomfort, when we don’t push it away and instead sit with it, can deepen our understanding of ourselves, and, in this case, our relationship with life and death.

I have three perspectives to offer about life and death: one is based on my experience with cacao (but, of course!), the second on my understanding of the ancient Maya’s view of death, and another is based on my recent reading of Tibetan Buddhist teachings as I sought solace during my mother’s last days. Each is unique and yet beautifully resonant. May they bring some wisdom to guide you.

In my own cacao journeys and that of others, the inner voices of negativity, self-doubt, and self-blame are simply gone. Spirit only communicates through love and compassion (if you hear another voice, it’s not spirit…). When I first experienced her unconditional love, it was in that moment that I began to love myself. One of the many messages I received from her was this: “It is only self-love that can make you whole.”

Loving, and having compassion for, myself meant that I could no longer allow for negative self-talk. When I became painfully aware of the “talk,” I was able to witness it as false and hurtful and call it out. I didn’t blame it or shame it, I just said to it, “I see you and am letting you go.” It still arises from time to time, but I almost always catch it in action and am able to laugh and say, “Oh, there’s my old frenemy again.” It’s become powerless over me. The voice that now speaks from within me is the one of spirit: unconditionally loving and fiercely compassionate. She’s my inner jaguar. This is where my sense of peace and fearlessness about life and death comes from.

In ancient Mayan times, a ball game, called the Great Ballcourt, connected the people to spirit and taught them about unconditional love, compassion and peace in the face of death as they witnessed the fearlessness of the players who played the game. In this game, the captain of the winning team “won” the prize of dying. Yes, you read that correctly, he died for playing without fear.

The Maya understood that to play fearlessly and with absolute freedom players needed to be able to accept their own death and resolve all unfinished business before entering the court. According to Elle Harrison in Wild Courage: A Journey of Transformation for You and Your Business, players “could not afford to be distracted in the critical moment by regrets, unresolved feelings or things left unsaid.” Once they agreed and took what was called, the Decision Road, the next phase of their journey, the Death Lodge, allowed the player to ask for and give forgiveness, express gratitude for the life he had lived so far and share his love with the people who had made it meaningful. How beautiful is that?

The final night before the game the players entered the third stage of preparation, the Purpose Circle: “The Purpose Circle was an all-night vigil spent along on the edge of a pit filled with the skulls of previous Ballcourt winners, literally looking death in the face…. In the Death Lodge he made good his relationship with others; in the Purpose Circle he made good with his relationship with himself….and made peace with himself, his life, with all its beauty and failings. Only then could he surrender fully into the game the next day.”

I love the concept of the Purpose Circle because it gives life deep meaning through self-acceptance and self-love. So much of what we battle in life and even as we are dying are our inner voices of negativity, self-blame and criticism, which hold us back from truly living life or dying a peaceful death. What becomes possible when we let go of those voices is inner peace and acceptance.

The Buddhists have a deep understanding of death and rebirth. They believe that the last thought we have when we are dying will determine our next life, so meditating on Buddha or praying to God may well ensure that your last thought is a good (or godly) one. Cultivating the inner voice of stillness through meditation and simply noticing and witnessing thoughts that arise is the path to a peaceful mind and Buddha-like thoughts.

If we take the wisdom of all three perspectives–accepting and loving who we are, identifying and witnessing our inner voices and thoughts, forgiving ourselves and others, and building inner practices to find stillness–we will find inner peace.

It was these understandings that guided me as I sat in witness to the pain being expressed by the women surrounding me.  For one, her expression took the form of endless complaining and restlessness; for another, the quiet lament of “I’m so tired” repeated over and over again until she changed the refrain to “I’m so ashamed.” It was almost unbearable to feel their pain and shame. Not being fully in control of our lives and even our death is a great fear we all have.

There were days when I almost lost my mind, listening to the open and raw expression of pain and fear. To stay centered and sane, I had the presence of mind to walk down to the courtyard garden, with my Mom in a wheelchair when she was still able or alone when she wasn’t; or say my own pain-lifting mantra, Om Mani Padme Hum, while counting mala beads by her bed; or read Sogyal Rinpoche’s, The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying as I sought peace and consolation.  It made me realize just how important having a relationship with death is. And not just my mother’s passing, but my own. Death reminds us that so much of life is fleeting and changeable. How we accept what the Buddhists call impermanence may well reveal how we accept death itself.

My mother and I did not talk about her death at any great length, as she was an intensely private person to the end. What she did share was that she had had a good, long life and was ready to go. While she was not a religious person, she did have a secret spiritual side, sending money away and receiving crystals, stones, amulets, and spirit dolls that brought her hope. Since I couldn’t know what her last thought was going to be (hopefully, one of spirit), I said this Buddhist prayer for myself and then for her each day to ease her passage and my mind, and for the both of us to face death fearlessly. May it bring you peace.

Phowa Prayer

Through your blessing, grace, and guidance, through the power of the light that streams from you:

May all my negative karma, destructive emotions, obscurations, and blockages be purified and removed,

May I know myself forgiven for all the harm I may have thought and done,

May I accomplish this profound practice of phowa, and die a good and peaceful death,

And through the triumph of my death, may I be able to benefit all other beings, living or dead.

~ Sogyal Rinpoche, The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying

Copyright ©2017 Soulscape Coaching LLC

The Cacao Journals: Rescue Remedy for the Soul

~ nicole
Final and complete healing will come from within, from the Soul itself, which radiates harmony throughout the personality when allowed to do so. – Dr. Bach, maker of Rescue Remedy

I have come to call cacao ceremony, Rescue Remedy for the Soul, because it naturally and gently heals us from the inside out. Every cacao ceremony brings you just what you need in that moment. There’s no amount of planning that will make your journey what you think it should be; it will just be…. One will bust you wide open; another will fill you with light; others will allow you access to deep wisdom. An infinite variety of experiences are available, and they are always illuminating.

The one thing you can do is set an intention for ceremony. Before each ceremony, I always check in to see where I need guidance or healing and set my intention based on that. Almost always, I receive what I ask for, and when I haven’t it’s only because Spirit has decided She has something even better for me or I’m so caught up in my head that nothing much can get in. Even then, despite my hard headedness (if I’m in my head, then I can’t fully be in my heart, can I?), She still finds a way to deliver a gentle message and lesson, which usually is about “letting go.”

In rereading my journals–wow, that was a trip unto itself–I realized just how much Spirit has not only healed me through cacao, but has transmitted knowledge that I am being called to share with you. And I have little say in this; the more I resist, the more She persists. In a shamanic journeying session (without cacao) that I participated in awhile back, my spirit animal guide, the Jaguar, told me, “Everything cacao.” I laughed about it when I shared it in circle. And believe me, I tried to ignore it, but it has become abundantly clear that I am a cacao guide who coaches, rather than a coach who does cacao ceremony every so often.

Spirit has brought me not just deep, meaningful messages in ceremony, but paths to follow that allow my soul to fully emerge. I must admit that I haven’t always followed her wise counsel as sometimes She has asked me to do something I didn’t feel would be fully embraced by others (at least not yet) or I didn’t feel equipped to make happen like a documentary film about cacao ceremony. And yet, here I am, just a bit farther down the road, bringing those messages to you…. (By the way, if anyone knows a documentary film maker who might want to do this, just let me know. I have a proposal all ready to go :)).

Cacao enabled me to answer the question of “Who (or What) am I?” I brought this particular intention into ceremony wanting to understand my gifts, the ones I am meant to bring to the world. I was tired of not knowing and admitted to myself that “I do not know,” not just this, but so much about the mystery of life. I felt very alone and humble as I entered that ceremony a few years ago.

Almost immediately, I felt myself glowing, my light filled the loft. I realized that I was very much not alone, that I was surrounded by love and my spirit guides and that they are always with me and they know. I felt such a rush of bliss, energy, love, truth, joy and purity that I cried with joy. At the close of ceremony, I captured these powerful words in my journal: “I am without fear; I am luminous; I am.” Right now, I am feeling very vulnerable sharing these words with you. And, at the same time, I’m feeling that you may need to hear them for your own healing.

We are all meant to come to self-realization on our own path, and yet we cannot do it wholly on our own; we need assistance and guidance. That assistance comes in the form of some kind of structure (a practice of some sort), which enables a depth of discovery (being willing to question and receive guidance), which leads to the integration of the lessons (deeply understanding and accepting the guidance), allowing for true embodiment. Cacao ceremony was my deep practice.

So, what is embodiment? It’s living in full integrity. It means that what you practice is what you do. When you leave that yoga class or meditation session or cacao ceremony, the lessons come with you; you don’t get to leave them on the mat or in your cacao cocoon. It means breaking old habituated behaviors that keep us out of alignment with our true selves and allowing new habits to form that heal and fully support us.

Too often, we try a little of this and a little of that, looking for the practice that will feel good to us, when the practice that deconstructs us, that challenges us, and makes us the most uncomfortable is the one that will transform and heal. Or we simply don’t realize that going deep is absolutely necessary to our healing. Or we believe “we’re good” and we don’t have anything that needs healing. We’ve become so disconnected from our feelings and who we are, that we think we know. But we really don’t; we have to learn to feel our way through, literally.

At the end of the day, which is the beginning of your life, you’ve got to do the work. It’s not always all love and light and cacao bliss, but if you allow yourself to open your heart, the light will find you, and fill you, and heal your dark parts until your own light shines radiantly through. I promise, you will glow.

And as this light fills you with its radiance, you will find you depend less and less on those old habits that are not fulfilling you and embrace the new habits that heal your soul and spirit. They are the rescue remedy.

Copyright ©2017 Soulscape Coaching LLC.

An expedition to who you truly are, Indiana Jones style

~ nicole
I have found my voice again and the art of using it. – Sidonie Gabrielle Colette

I went on an expedition looking for my soul gifts and along the way I found my voice.

I love when I hear young parents tell their children, “use your words” or “use your voice.” Encouraging them to use their voice is so unlike what those of us of a certain age were expected do; we were to be seen and not heard. Pair that with being told to “not” do so many things, or that what we did wasn’t “correct,” paralyzed not just our voices but our creativity. It raised “good” girls and boys, who possibly rebelled in more covert ways (I know I did), but it did not build women and men who felt they had something of value to say. At least that was my experience….

So, it’s been a lifelong struggle for me to find my voice, use my words and express myself. And now, after much revealing and healing, I can’t stop sharing my story and what I’ve learned because I know it has a purpose now: to guide, support and heal others.

Now, you may be asking yourself, what needed healing and how did I do it? The two are inextricably intertwined.

  1. I had to question the beliefs (assumptions and opinions) I had formed about not just myself but life itself, and discover what was real and true.
  2. I had to let go of expectations and wanting to control the outcome, which opened me to possibility and accepting uncertainty.
  3. I had to acknowledge and face my fear of being shamed, blamed, unapproved of, rejected or disliked.
  4. I had let go of aspects of my identity, and the persona I had created, that weren’t truly me or who I wanted to be.
  5. I had to feel into what I truly cared about and valued, not what my family, friends or society thought I should value.
  6. I had to move from a fear-based, scarcity mindset to one of abundance, which meant embracing gratitude, humility, acceptance, forgiveness, letting go, compassion, and unconditional love.
  7. I had to understand the essence of who I truly am.

From the depths of this inner work–it’s true, you have to do the work, my friends–emerged my true, authentic voice. And much healing, some of which was super subtle requiring just a soft touch.

It was an excavation, almost an anthropological dig, and at the bottom of it was me! I’m not going to say that all that digging and uncovering was easy or not messy; it was, but the result has been absolutely life-changing, life-affirming and life-giving for me.

Know that the excavation is necessary. Know that you don’t have to do all the digging alone. And know that those of us, who have gone on the dig before you, can and will guide you with unconditional love, support and maybe even a bit of wisdom. It’s our mission to do so. Indiana Jones style :).

Your voice is welcome here. So, let me know how this makes you feel.

Copyright ©2017 Soulscape Coaching LLC.

Beyond the dreaded “shoulds:” declaring a should-free zone

~ Nicole Gnutzman
Shed your shoulds. { Make your yeses count.} – Regan Walsh
Expectation is the root of all heartache. – Shakespeare

Ah, the dreaded “shoulds.” We live by them and for them, but they don’t feed our soul.

img_0376Anytime you find yourself saying the word, “should,” like in “I should do that” or “I should really go there,” ask yourself “Really, why?” Is it some obligation or expectation that a family member or friend imposed on you? Well, guess what, that’s theirs, not yours. They re-gifted their “should” to you, because someone gave it to them. And we all know how much we love being re-gifted. The re-gifting can stop with you. You have the power.

When you do something you “should” do, is it you trying to please people, saying “yes” to them but not to yourself? That’s you making yourself miserable because whatever you are saying “yes’ to is not what you truly want. Deep down inside you resent it and eventually you may feel resentment for the people you are trying to please because they are making you do something you don’t want to do. I hate to break the news to you, but no one makes you do anything except you. And don’t expect others to appreciate all the “shoulds” you are doing for them. They expect you to do them, just like they do….

In society, we have all these unspoken rules of conduct, these ‘shoulds.’ Even though we pride ourselves in being a democracy, there are all these ways that we say you ‘should’ behave. But what if you’re living your life by the ‘shoulds’ and you’re not really living your life? – Chris Noth

So, the key is that you have to relearn how to say “yes” to the things you truly want to do because you love doing them not because someone else wants you to or because you want to gain someone else’s love or approval. I’m not going to say it’s easy because I’m a recovering “people pleaser” myself and I understand how hard it is to break the pattern, but it’s absolutely necessary to live into your soul gifts and path. Absolutely, undeniably and soulfully.

img_2681Only you know, and get to decide, whether you want something or not. The key word here is “want.” So, if Aunt Isabelle thinks you “should” go to so-and-so’s party, go only because you truly want to, not out of obligation. Go because you care about your cousin or your nieces and nephews or because there will be really good cake, don’t go because you “should.” When you say “yes’ to going because you truly want to, you will show up in an entirely different way. And, if you choose not to go because you can’t think of a really good reason to go, then you will have to live with the consequences, which may be a really lovely bubble bath with candles and a glass of wine (and don’t forget the rubber ducky).

Whatever flak you may get for not going are consequences too, but remember it’s their stuff; it’s their need to have you fit into the “shoulds” that rule their life, that they’ve been conditioned to accept. Have compassion for them (and yourself) because most people haven’t yet learned they are being held hostage by their “shoulds.” You, who see the “shoulds” now for what they are, are learning to honor your own needs while being respectful and compassionate to others’. Feel how freeing that is. Your soul is a “should-free” zone.

Then there are the “musts.” Different certainly than the “shoulds” and even the “wants.” If “wants” come from our soul, then “musts” come from an even deeper place, a place that cares for something beyond (and even greater than) the self. When my husband was asked at the last minute if he could fly to Guatemala on the red eye and help rescue a project he deeply cared about, he worried that I might object. What welled up from deep inside of me was this: “You must go. There’s no question.” Those words were the Truth from deep in my soul. My husband and I both remember it to this day and we use it as a litmus test for knowing when we “must” do something; a true “must” surpasses any should and even our own needs and wants.

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When you allow yourself the small “yeses;” you just may find a big “yes” that’s actually a soulful “must.” And when you find it, you will have all the confidence and courage in the world to live into it. Declare your own should-free zone.