Surrender to what is. Let go of what was. Have faith in what will be. – Sonia Ricotti
Being with my Mom as she was dying made me see how important it is to be able to let go in life and in death. True compassion lives in the act of letting go, and yet it one of the hardest things we have to do in life. Far too often we have to learn the hard way to let go of that to which we have become attached.
Life’s not-so-subtle attachments usually come first: not feeling so attached to our material possessions or all our physical “stuff;” letting go of relationships and friendships that no longer feel right or good or true; not identifying solely with our role as mother, daughter, caregiver or business leader; and letting the armor or masks we wear to protect ourselves fall away. These are all big, tough things to let go of. I’ve had to let go of more than a few of these as I discovered the truth of who I am….
The more-subtle ones are our emotional body attachments, which are based in fear. Our ego-based fears take the form of not feeling worthy, blaming or shaming ourselves or others, and the need to be in control–this is a big, juicy one, which I’ll get to in a moment. We all suffer from these fears and yet letting go of them is challenging because we’ve lived with them most of our lives. They’re like barnacles; we don’t really want them on our boat, but they’ve been there a long while and are stuck, and it’s really hard to scrape them off. Plus then we might have to repaint the boat :).
The most subtle of all often take time to surface because we let usually go of the less subtle ones first. Control is both. It can be so sneaky and crafty as it hides in the tiniest places. Wanting someone else to change; not accepting when things don’t go “our” way; and not listening to our intuition or spiritual guidance are all ways that our ego tries to controls us. So, just when you think you’re done letting go of being in control, there’s always a little bit more….
And what’s left, after all that letting go, is the most beautiful, luminous crystal made from all that pressure and molten fire. It’s you, all shiny and purified, and so much wiser and stronger.
It’s only in the letting go that we can open to something new; it’s only in the letting go that we can find our inner crystalline light; it’s only in the letting go that we rediscover the essence of who we truly are. And it’s hard because it’s the not knowing or the gap between the known and the unknown that terrifies and paralyzes us. We’re just not good with the unknown. We so want to be in control.
People have a heard time letting of of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar. – Thich Nhat Hanh
What the unknown requires is curiosity, a sense of wonder and belief. Curiosity about what’s possible; wonder in not just the beauty of life, but in the suffering; trusting in ourselves that we know if we listen deeply, and believing in something greater than ourselves, in the mystery.
To let go we more than often need a catalyst of some kind. Some catalysts come out of nowhere and sideswipe us; and others we choose willingly. Some are fast and others are slow–I chose cacao as my catalyst and teacher because I wanted a fast route that came with GPS.
When we open to our catalyst, we are curious, we are in a natural state of wonder, and we believe. And when we fully embrace the catalytic experience, it changes and transforms us so we become that beautiful, luminescent crystal.
One of the amazing palliative care nurses, who looked after my Mom, shared with us that it’s good to let the dying know that they can let go and that their loved ones, who have already passed, are waiting for them. She encouraged us to tell Mom, that our Dad, John, was waiting for her. So, we did. My sister, Michelle, said, “Mom, it’s ok to let go. John is waiting for you. Oma is waiting for you.” When she said, “Oma,” which means grandmother in German, my Mom’s face lit up and she beamed from ear to ear. It was so incredible to witness her light, joy, and peace.
I then shared with my Mom, “Michelle and I are at peace with your leaving. We love you and will miss you, and we’ll be okay. You don’t have to worry about us anymore.” You see, my Mom was a worrier as many Mom’s are. She always wanted to make sure we were okay, so this allowed her to let go.
Choose your catalyst (or embrace the one that comes to you), stay curious, stand in awe of the wonder and mystery of life, and know and believe that what you are opening to is exactly what you need. Give yourself permission to let go of whatever is holding you back, standing in your way, or keeping you from the joy and peace that’s on the other side. Let go, so that what’s meant to be reveals itself.
Letting go is on the path to surrendering to what is. To fully surrender (there’s no halfway or part of the way as I discovered), we have to let go of the struggle that we don’t even know we are holding on to; it’s that subtle.