fear

The Cacao Journals: Disconnect from the Static

~ nicole

“I love how disconnected you are to the static,” a dear friend and soul sister shared with me. We had just had a conversation about how some of our spiritually minded friends were in fear, assigning blame or credit to what’s going on right now and attaching theories to them.

This move toward wanting to understand; being certain of something, of anything; finding the culprit “behind” the pandemic, wildfires, and lightning storms is disconcerting, disconnecting and ungrounding. Right now, more than ever we need to feel connected and grounded.

This “need to know” has affected our ability to, as Buddhist teacher, Pema Chodron, “be uncomfortable with uncertainty” and “embrace the unknown.” Our rational minds want to make sense of it all and our ego is having a fear-filled field day. And when it all comes down to it, the unknown is, well, unknown.

For those of us on a spiritual path, when we seek certainty, we are not honoring the teachings of our traditions or ourselves. Many of us have let go of ego attachment to our identities, limiting beliefs, assumptions. judgments along with larger belief systems and structures (social, political, economic) that attempt to make sense of, structure and even control.

And here we are, the ones who usually guide others to stay connected and grounded, caught up in the static, the noise, the disruptive, controlling forces that we have worked so hard to see and release attachment to. In fear, we are creating new belief structures to latch onto. Let’s open our eyes and see it for what it is….

In many spiritual traditions and in the Quantum world, all possibilities exist. What if extraterrestrials are trying to save or harm us? What if the conspiracy theories are true? They are only “true” because we make them so. Our energy, thoughts and focus make possibilities more possible. What if we chose to focus on the possibility we want, not the one we fear.

Free yourself of the burden of fear, blame and attachment. Hold a higher possibility in your mind and hearts. Invite in the highest possible outcome, whatever that is. Transform uncertainty into possibility. Live in flow not fear.

Photo by Ron Purdy.

No one and nothing is in control unless we allow them through our own resistance and fear. Disconnect from the static and reconnect to yourself, your inner light and wisdom. Allow that to be your guide in these tumultuous times and be a guide to lead us through. That’s my possibility.

Fueled, connected and inspired by daily cacao….

Copyright ©2020 Soulscape Coaching LLC.

The Cacao Journals: from Gratitude comes Abundance

~ nicole
The miracle of gratitude is that it shifts your perception to such an extent that it changes the world you see. – Dr. Robert Holden

If grace is ever present in our lives, just waiting patiently to be noticed, then once we do see and acknowledge it, what arises naturally is a feeling of gratitude. Grace is the unexpected gift for which we wish to give thanks.

Now granted, sometimes the gift may not be exactly what you asked for, but in the case of Spirit, it’s exactly what you need in the moment; it just may take a while to see it….

In indigenous cultures, giving thanks to Spirit and showing gratitude is integral to their way of being, expressed in their daily rituals, ceremonies and prayer. The indigenous peoples understand that we achieve nothing without the aid of the Spirit and that we must be humble enough to ask for assistance and be grateful for what we receive.

We of so-called “modern” cultures have lost this connection, this daily giving of thanks. It can take but a moment, and the benefits are beyond measure.

Gratitude is the open door to abundance. – Harbhajan Singh Yogi

Each day before I meditate while chanting a mantra, I share an intention, a prayer if you will, for what I would like to receive. Some days my prayer is for clarity on an issue I’m facing; on others I ask for financial abundance, so I may keep being of service with my work; and sometimes I ask for grace on someone else’s behalf. I allow the intention to rise from deep within me, write it in my journal and then let go.

Not being attached to the outcome, and allowing Spirit to bring what’s most needed, requires deep trust. It can shake you to the core of your being this trust piece. With trust comes abundance; with fear, scarcity.

Abundance is a process of letting go; that which is empty can receive. – Bryant H. McGill

Before I begin each meditation, I pause, reflect on how grace has shown up, and give thanks for what I have received. There’s a beautiful sense of reciprocity about the acts of asking, letting go, receiving and giving thanks. It is from, and into, this place of emptiness that abundance comes.

When we define abundance from a “modern” perspective, we most often think of financial or outer abundance; it’s rare that we think of inner abundance, the state of being connected to self and source in a reciprocal relationship.

To create a state of inner abundance in your life, find a way to give thanks each day. Start a gratitude journal and write something you are grateful for every day for 41 days (that’s the time needed to create a new habit that begins to “inhabit” us, changing our mindset and behavior).

Believe me, some days you will be challenged to find anything for which to be grateful. On those days, be grateful for the smallest thing: the clean water you drink, the nutritious food you eat, or the flowers that you see growing through some chains or through a crack in a rock.

When I did my own practice, I took an unbelievable amount of pictures of flowers growing through things, flowers growing freely, trees, the sun, the moon, water, the beach, and animals. I was grateful for them all and I began to see the world differently; it was more vibrant, more alive and more loving than I ever imagined. Eventually, you begin to notice more and more of the grace that surrounds you. And life feels and becomes more abundant.

To live in gratitude allows fear to fall away and abundance to appear. From gratitude comes abundance.

Copyright ©2018 Soulscape Coaching LLC.

The Cacao Journals: Luminosity

~ nicole
No matter how long the room has been dark…the moment the lamp of awareness is lit the entire room becomes luminous. You are that luminosity. You are that clear light.
– Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche

I always set an intention for personal cacao ceremony as it informs Spirit of what I would like to receive. Mind you, I don’t always get what I ask for, but I always receive something and it’s always the medicine I need in that moment. And there are times it is so profoundly transforming, I just marvel at the message.

In one of my early journeys with cacao, my intention was to discover who I truly was. I was both curious and in need of knowing. Granted, it was a big intention, one we often ignore in our fast-paced lives or one we struggle to answer. I decided to give it up to Spirit. So as I embarked on my journey with cacao, I asked, “Who am I really?”

What I noticed first was a tingling in my hands, actually more of a “sparkling.” Then my whole body began to glow, and the glow grew and grew, until it filled the entire space with luminous light. It was so exquisitely beautiful and infinite.

The message I received was, “Be your luminous self,” and I wrote these words in my journal, “I am without fear. I am luminous. I am.” I had just experienced my own inner light; and it became a touchstone for me; an indelible, radiant image; a resource state that I could return to again and again even in my darkest moments.

What it allowed me to do–knowing that, at my core, I am the light–was begin to peel back the remaining protective layers that kept me “safe” because I realized that nothing could actually harm or extinguish my inner light. I felt as though I was removing the last chains holding me captive, the last layers hiding my light; it was, as you can imagine, incredibly liberating.

I began to see reflections of this light in people I met, some of whom met light with light (that was incredible), and others, who had turned away from the light and were held captive in their own darkness. I found myself no longer willing to hide or diminish my light. My thinking was if my light is untouchable and infinite, then I can shine it.

In the healing arts, we’re often told to create a luminous egg of light energy around us, so we don’t take on other people’s energy. It’s a form of protection. What I discovered is that I no longer had to pull this energy in to build an “egg;” when I radiated my light, it came from an infinite source.

What’s so beautiful is that this light is in us all. According to Mayan cosmology, we are the light, descended from the stars to which we will return. I happen to be from Orion, according to a Mayan shaman, if anyone is wondering :).

Unfortunately, on this earthly plane, our light is held captive by the protective strategies we took on when we first got hurt deeply. Instinctively, at that first inner wounding, we protected our heart from more hurt; and, out of fear, we hid our light, the essence of who we truly are. Without realizing it, our lives became controlled by fear.

When we begin to realize these strategies are fear-based and are the very thing holding us back from what we truly want and who we truly are, we want to let go, but we’re still afraid because we don’t quite know how.

Seeing a glimmer of your own light is crucial as it’s what will inspire and motivate you to not be afraid, to heal the hurt, and become whole again.

So, how do you see your own light? It starts with being curious, willing to see that you have become your own captor, and opening to receive the message. And it may require some cacao :). Or another catalyst that allows for gentle inquiry, witnessing and inner work.

That’s how I began my own journey, and how I guide my clients to begin theirs.

You are Luminous.

Are you open to seeing and reclaiming your light?

I’d be delighted to have a conversation with you about reclaiming your light. My gift to you for the holidays. Because we all need more light in the world….

Copyright ©2017 Soulscape Coaching LLC

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Cacao Journals: Catalysts and the Unknown

~ nicole
We do not fear the unknown. We fear what we think we know about the unknown. – Teal Scott

So, what awaits after surrender…? The unknown. Scary stuff for those of us who always want to know; for those who need to be fully in control; for those who struggle to have faith in themselves or in life itself. At some point in my life, all those control scenarios were me….

I’ve had my own fears of the unknown, and what I discovered as I surrendered is that the unknown is simply a path I have not taken, something I haven’t yet opened myself up to, or an aspect of myself and life that I did not yet know, but came to know and embrace. It’s a place of truth and trust and mystery, and nothing to be afraid of.

In The Book of Truth, there’s a beautiful passage that captures it completely:

To lift to the unknown, to the unpredictable, to what may be but cannot be seen is a challenge for the small self….The True Self abides there, not in uncertainty but the unchosen–the unchosen, that which was not chosen in prior time but may be chosen in the moment you sing. – Paul Selig

Being curious about the unknown is a big, first step. That’s how I began with cacao, I simply wanted to know what it was all about. It reached out and called me to get to know it. That’s what certain kinds of catalysts do: they start a conversation with you, then they introduce you to the unknown, and then you get to see what the fuss is all about.

Some of us only need gentle catalysts like cacao; others need stronger plant medicines like ayahuasca (I like to call it the two-by-four of plant medicines :)) or other entheogens (which literally means “generating the divine within”).; and still others need nothing at all except sitting on a park bench like Eckhart Tolle (mind you, he did this for a whole year) or a deeply, devoted meditation practice. Heck, life itself is a path too, just a long, arduous one.

All these catalysts can give you a glimpse of the divine within and of your connection to life. It’s there and always has been, we’ve just somehow forgotten. Once we’ve had that glimpse, we want more and that’s the beginning of a beautiful inner journey.

Each catalyst we choose, or that is chosen for us, can lead us to this state of inner and outer connectedness (what some call oneness) and all paths are valid. It’s easy to remain unconscious in this disconnected world of ours. It’s only when we integrate and embody the message of the catalyst and its medicine that we are truly transformed. We become its message.

To be free means to open your heart and your being to the fullness of who you are, because only when you are resting in the place of unity can you truly honor and appreciate others and the incredible diversity of the universe. – Ram Dass

The unknown shows us who we truly are. It teaches us to be adaptive, creative, resilient; to be accepting and forgiving of ourselves and others; to be at peace and to love unconditionally; and it allows us to experience the pure joy of being in a constant state of wonder. We can ask from this place of unknowing: I wonder what’s going to happen next? I wonder who’s going to come into my life? I wonder what my clarity and light will attract?

Notice what comes into your life when you are curious about the unknown. Drop your expectations. Let go of “controlling” life for a moment. Trust what comes and that you will know how to respond. There’s such beauty there.

Copyright ©2017 Soulscape Coaching LLC

 

The Cacao Journals: Letting Go

~ nicole
Surrender to what is. Let go of what was. Have faith in what will be. – Sonia Ricotti

Being with my Mom as she was dying made me see how important it is to be able to let go in life and in death. True compassion lives in the act of letting go, and yet it one of the hardest things we have to do in life. Far too often we have to learn the hard way to let go of that to which we have become attached.

Life’s not-so-subtle attachments usually come first: not feeling so attached to our material possessions or all our physical “stuff;” letting go of relationships and friendships that no longer feel right or good or true; not identifying solely with our role as mother, daughter, caregiver or business leader; and letting the armor or masks we wear to protect ourselves fall away. These are all big, tough things to let go of. I’ve had to let go of more than a few of these as I discovered the truth of who I am….

The more-subtle ones are our emotional body attachments, which are based in fear. Our ego-based fears take the form of not feeling worthy, blaming or shaming ourselves or others, and the need to be in control–this is a big, juicy one, which I’ll get to in a moment. We all suffer from these fears and yet letting go of them is challenging because we’ve lived with them most of our lives. They’re like barnacles; we don’t really want them on our boat, but they’ve been there a long while and are stuck, and it’s really hard to scrape them off. Plus then we might have to repaint the boat :).

The most subtle of all often take time to surface because we let usually go of the less subtle ones first. Control is both. It can be so sneaky and crafty as it hides in the tiniest places. Wanting someone else to change; not accepting when things don’t go “our” way; and not listening to our intuition or spiritual guidance are all ways that our ego tries to controls us. So, just when you think you’re done letting go of being in control, there’s always a little bit more….

And what’s left, after all that letting go, is the most beautiful, luminous crystal made from all that pressure and molten fire. It’s you, all shiny and purified, and so much wiser and stronger.

It’s only in the letting go that we can open to something new; it’s only in the letting go that we can find our inner crystalline light; it’s only in the letting go that we rediscover the essence of who we truly are. And it’s hard because it’s the not knowing or the gap between the known and the unknown that terrifies and paralyzes us. We’re just not good with the unknown. We so want to be in control.

People have a heard time letting of of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar. – Thich Nhat Hanh

What the unknown requires is curiosity, a sense of wonder and belief. Curiosity about what’s possible; wonder in not just the beauty of life, but in the suffering; trusting in ourselves that we know if we listen deeply, and believing in something greater than ourselves, in the mystery.

To let go we more than often need a catalyst of some kind. Some catalysts come out of nowhere and sideswipe us; and others we choose willingly. Some are fast and others are slow–I chose cacao as my catalyst and teacher because I wanted a fast route that came with GPS.

When we open to our catalyst, we are curious, we are in a natural state of wonder, and we believe. And when we fully embrace the catalytic experience, it changes and transforms us so we become that beautiful, luminescent crystal.

One of the amazing palliative care nurses, who looked after my Mom, shared with us that it’s good to let the dying know that they can let go and that their loved ones, who have already passed, are waiting for them. She encouraged us to tell Mom, that our Dad, John, was waiting for her. So, we did. My sister, Michelle, said, “Mom, it’s ok to let go. John is waiting for you. Oma is waiting for you.” When she said, “Oma,” which means grandmother in German, my Mom’s face lit up and she beamed from ear to ear. It was so incredible to witness her light, joy, and peace.

I then shared with my Mom, “Michelle and I are at peace with your leaving. We love you and will miss you, and we’ll be okay. You don’t have to worry about us anymore.” You see, my Mom was a worrier as many Mom’s are. She always wanted to make sure we were okay, so this allowed her to let go.

Choose your catalyst (or embrace the one that comes to you), stay curious, stand in awe of the wonder and mystery of life, and know and believe that what you are opening to is exactly what you need. Give yourself permission to let go of whatever is holding you back, standing in your way, or keeping you from the joy and peace that’s on the other side. Let go, so that what’s meant to be reveals itself.

Letting go is on the path to surrendering to what is. To fully surrender (there’s no halfway or part of the way as I discovered), we have to let go of the struggle that we don’t even know we are holding on to; it’s that subtle.

Copyright ©2017 Soulscape Coaching LLC

The Cacao Journals: Rescue Remedy for the Soul

~ nicole
Final and complete healing will come from within, from the Soul itself, which radiates harmony throughout the personality when allowed to do so. – Dr. Bach, maker of Rescue Remedy

I have come to call cacao ceremony, Rescue Remedy for the Soul, because it naturally and gently heals us from the inside out. Every cacao ceremony brings you just what you need in that moment. There’s no amount of planning that will make your journey what you think it should be; it will just be…. One will bust you wide open; another will fill you with light; others will allow you access to deep wisdom. An infinite variety of experiences are available, and they are always illuminating.

The one thing you can do is set an intention for ceremony. Before each ceremony, I always check in to see where I need guidance or healing and set my intention based on that. Almost always, I receive what I ask for, and when I haven’t it’s only because Spirit has decided She has something even better for me or I’m so caught up in my head that nothing much can get in. Even then, despite my hard headedness (if I’m in my head, then I can’t fully be in my heart, can I?), She still finds a way to deliver a gentle message and lesson, which usually is about “letting go.”

In rereading my journals–wow, that was a trip unto itself–I realized just how much Spirit has not only healed me through cacao, but has transmitted knowledge that I am being called to share with you. And I have little say in this; the more I resist, the more She persists. In a shamanic journeying session (without cacao) that I participated in awhile back, my spirit animal guide, the Jaguar, told me, “Everything cacao.” I laughed about it when I shared it in circle. And believe me, I tried to ignore it, but it has become abundantly clear that I am a cacao guide who coaches, rather than a coach who does cacao ceremony every so often.

Spirit has brought me not just deep, meaningful messages in ceremony, but paths to follow that allow my soul to fully emerge. I must admit that I haven’t always followed her wise counsel as sometimes She has asked me to do something I didn’t feel would be fully embraced by others (at least not yet) or I didn’t feel equipped to make happen like a documentary film about cacao ceremony. And yet, here I am, just a bit farther down the road, bringing those messages to you…. (By the way, if anyone knows a documentary film maker who might want to do this, just let me know. I have a proposal all ready to go :)).

Cacao enabled me to answer the question of “Who (or What) am I?” I brought this particular intention into ceremony wanting to understand my gifts, the ones I am meant to bring to the world. I was tired of not knowing and admitted to myself that “I do not know,” not just this, but so much about the mystery of life. I felt very alone and humble as I entered that ceremony a few years ago.

Almost immediately, I felt myself glowing, my light filled the loft. I realized that I was very much not alone, that I was surrounded by love and my spirit guides and that they are always with me and they know. I felt such a rush of bliss, energy, love, truth, joy and purity that I cried with joy. At the close of ceremony, I captured these powerful words in my journal: “I am without fear; I am luminous; I am.” Right now, I am feeling very vulnerable sharing these words with you. And, at the same time, I’m feeling that you may need to hear them for your own healing.

We are all meant to come to self-realization on our own path, and yet we cannot do it wholly on our own; we need assistance and guidance. That assistance comes in the form of some kind of structure (a practice of some sort), which enables a depth of discovery (being willing to question and receive guidance), which leads to the integration of the lessons (deeply understanding and accepting the guidance), allowing for true embodiment. Cacao ceremony was my deep practice.

So, what is embodiment? It’s living in full integrity. It means that what you practice is what you do. When you leave that yoga class or meditation session or cacao ceremony, the lessons come with you; you don’t get to leave them on the mat or in your cacao cocoon. It means breaking old habituated behaviors that keep us out of alignment with our true selves and allowing new habits to form that heal and fully support us.

Too often, we try a little of this and a little of that, looking for the practice that will feel good to us, when the practice that deconstructs us, that challenges us, and makes us the most uncomfortable is the one that will transform and heal. Or we simply don’t realize that going deep is absolutely necessary to our healing. Or we believe “we’re good” and we don’t have anything that needs healing. We’ve become so disconnected from our feelings and who we are, that we think we know. But we really don’t; we have to learn to feel our way through, literally.

At the end of the day, which is the beginning of your life, you’ve got to do the work. It’s not always all love and light and cacao bliss, but if you allow yourself to open your heart, the light will find you, and fill you, and heal your dark parts until your own light shines radiantly through. I promise, you will glow.

And as this light fills you with its radiance, you will find you depend less and less on those old habits that are not fulfilling you and embrace the new habits that heal your soul and spirit. They are the rescue remedy.

Copyright ©2017 Soulscape Coaching LLC.

The warrior way–the path from fear to possibility

~ nicole

Sometimes I forget I’m a warrior on my own path of self-realization. So, when I come up against a formidable foe like fear, I have to force myself to look deeply inside and find my courage.

Fear is a gargantuan roiling force feeding on its own energy, a many headed dragon that keeps growing new heads when you chop one off. It takes fierce strength and self awareness to defeat it.

I have my own dragon–a fear of failure–that has been an ever present fear for me since childhood when being perfect was very valued.  It’s been a constant companion, stalking and sabotaging me, holding me back from doing the things I most need to do. And just when I believe I’ve conquered it, it comes back in another form.

Recently I launched a marketing campaign for my first online course. I procrastinated, I perfected, I despaired at the technology, I lost belief in myself–all self-sabotaging behaviors. When I felt such deep sadness about my loss of belief, it was only then that I was able to push the button and send out the campaign. I knew then that the many headed dragon of fear was rearing another of its ugly heads and was destroying me from the inside out. And that I had to stop it. I had to find the source of my fear.

So what lay under my fear? I was afraid that if I sent my offering out into the world, no one would want it, and that somehow that would be a rejection of me, of who I am at my core. That’s the fear of annihilation. Yup, it’s heavy stuff, but very real at an unconscious level.

Now I know that nothing and no one can touch my soul, my essence, who I am at my core (I’ve done a lot of work on this), but I have to remind myself of that over and over again….

Nothing can touch my soul

But there was something even more to my fear…. I was creating an apocalyptic what-if scenario. What if I put all this effort into creating something that no one wanted? What if no one signed up for my course? That’s devastating on so many levels, including financially. Annihilation all over the place. Very messy.

And then I realized that my mind was fabricating my own mess. I was so attached to a particular outcome, to people signing up, that if it didn’t happen, it would be catastrophic. But what if there were other possible outcomes I couldn’t even imagine? Aha.

So I looked at what was showing up for me: the very first day, I received beautiful well wishes and intentions to forward my offer to friends; thumbs up and hearts for sharing my feelings and fears; and heartfelt gratitude for inspiring people to face their own fears and put something of theirs out there too. Maybe, just maybe the outcome I so desired–of having people take my course–was not be the point of it after all….

  • What if my offering was to inspire others to share their gifts with the world?
  • What if other opportunities would show up for me that would allow me to share my gifts in other ways?
  • What if something else was waiting for me that I wouldn’t see or be open to unless my desired outcome didn’t happen?

Letting go opens up possibility

What I know deeply now is that it’s in the letting go of the outcome that the dragon of fear is neutralized. I can’t possibly know what Spirit (or the Universe) has in mind for me. Only She knows what I most need to learn or experience or how best to share my gifts. And that’s why we’re really here, isn’t it? To evolve into our wholeness, into our highest potential, and to live into our soul gifts.

Of course, I very much want people to take my course. Psst, click here if you’re curious. That is the intention I am putting out into the world and to Spirit. But I am not holding onto it in fear. I am letting it go and allowing other possible, amazing outcomes to show up. When I do this, I am fearless, open to possibility. That’s the warrior way.

How are you living into the warrior way? What becomes possible for you when you do?

The Darth Vader of self sabotage

~ Nicole Gnutzman
 i need to survive myself because my self sabotage is the only trap worth avoiding, and everything else i will chalk up to living life on life’s terms. – the poetry bandit
Move within. But don’t move the way fear makes you move. – Rumi

img_2748Self sabotage keeps coming up in my conversations lately. Three times in one week. And I always, always reflect deeply when something comes up that often in such succession. It’s as if Spirit or the Universe is tapping me on the shoulder and saying, “Hey, there’s something over here, take a closer look.”

Of course, when I look, I usually find more than I bargained for, such as the ways I do the very things, which I’m being asked to look at. Luckily, my curiosity surpassed my own fear in this instance.

You know when you find every reason in the world not to start something or finish something, fear is at work behind the scenes. While we may be aware that we’re afraid, we can’t quite figure out why. We want this thing we are trying to start or finish, right? So, then why don’t we just go for it? So, why do we sabotage ourselves? Because there’s something more sinister and unconscious behind the fear.

Not all fears are alike. The fear that engenders self sabotage is the fear of being humiliated, of being shamed or criticized or blamed. And the fear of humiliation is the progenitor, the source, the root cause of self sabotage. It’s the Darth Vader of self sabotage. It’s the Dark Side–heavy and dark and threatening, but not invincible.

The pattern this particular kind of fear creates is an adaptive one; it’s one where we turn the unpleasantness of a situation where we anticipate being humiliated into one in which we can cope, so we escape, we self soothe, before the incident ever happens, and voilà, we never start or finish what we really want.

The key here is that by anticipating what might happen (catastrophic thinking), instead of forging ahead bravely (knowing it’s just a projection of our minds) and being open to the possibility of failure (because that’s how we learn), we become attached to soothing ourselves before anything actually happens. We all have ways of self soothing (cookies work really well) or escaping (even laundry becomes a convenient escape) or distracting ourselves (by being too busy or getting lost in the details or perfecting our blog :)).

Here’s how this unconscious pattern emerges: a child takes a cookie without permission and as punishment is humiliated in front of her siblings by her parents in some way (I am not laying blame here, just offering an example). She runs away and hides. Then, much later, as an adult, whenever she is faced with, or even anticipates, humiliation, she withdraws and eats way too many sugary treats. However, she doesn’t make the connection between her feeling of humiliation and her need to escape or overeat. She unconsciously associates pleasure or self soothing with her fear, so anytime she gets triggered, she naturally follows her impulse to self soothe. That’s how self-sabotage holds us hostage.

img_3187When you understand the source of your fear and how you cope with it unconsciously, you can reframe it. When you become aware of the unconscious behavior, you can begin to anticipate it, see it coming, and choose something else before it takes hold that moves you toward your goal of getting what you truly want. Be compassionate and patient with yourself as it will take time to break this pattern; after all, you’ve been living with it for a long time. But each time you see it for what it is, and choose differently, you walk toward the light instead of the darkness. Be brave. The Force will be with you….

 

A big thank you to Mike Bundrant from the iNLP Center for his insightful blog posts on psychological attachment: http://inlpcenter.org/psychological-attachments/ and fear of failure: http://blogs.psychcentral.com/nlp/2015/11/psychological-trap-behind-fear-of-failure/.

And a special note of gratitude to the friends and clients, whose curiosity about self sabotage, inspired me to write this, and to Grace Kraaijvanger of the Hivery for inspiring us to face our fears and be brave.

Copyright ©2017 Soulscape Coaching LLC

 

 

A transformed life

~ Nicole Gnutzman
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The soul is greater than anything you ever lost. – Anonymous

So, remember how that Mayan shaman told me it’s now time for me to teach about “death?” Well, that’s a daunting task to be given, and one I’ve been procrastinating about for awhile now, so I am humbly and carefully treading into this dark vale. Consider this an exploration and an offering….

What’s vaguely comforting to me is that I know this subject fairly well, having experienced many symbolic deaths of my own when I began to question my life and who I was. I won’t deny that there were many tears and lots of fear, and a sense of loss and confusion at times, but what I gained in comparison to what I lost is immeasurable. What I found was me and she was waiting for me all along….

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Bat spirit animal: symbolizes shamanistic death

In shamanic traditions, a shaman experiences many symbolic deaths before he or she passes the tests, some of which are death-defying, and attains spiritual awakening. In the shamanic world, these tests invite the initiate to question his or her sense of personal identity and old ways of life, and to create a new relationship to life from the void of darkness (often a symbolic grave).

In our more mundane world, we too must experience symbolic deaths in order to live fully into life itself and who we truly are. Fortunately, the tests we face usually don’t push us to the edge of death, but they do, just like the shaman initiate’s, threaten who we believe we are. They make us question our beliefs, fears, expectations, and identity.

When we hold on, out of the fear that letting go of these things (and letting them die) will somehow diminish us, we end up living unconsciously, going through the motions, and being in denial. When we hold on, we are acting from a place of fear and scarcity, and what we then experience and feel is a deep lack in our lives. It takes away our joy.

When we allow the beliefs that limit us, the fears that hold us back, the expectations that cause us to want to be someone we actually aren’t, the masks and the armor we put on to hide and protect ourselves, to die, we open ourselves to transformation. It is only then, when we have let go, that we can create and begin to live into new, life-affirming beliefs about ourselves and life itself.

img_3249We need to sit on the rim of darkness and fish for fallen light with patience. – Pablo Neruda

As we go through this vale of darkness, we feel sadness and even grief, and we may feel alone and empty, but what we don’t realize until we’re through it is that what emerges from this void is beautiful–it is powerfully grounded and filled with luminous light and deep wisdom.

What emerges is YOU, the real you, the one who left behind all the “baggage” you carried for so long. It feels good to let go of that which you no longer need. You are lighter. You feel joy again.

Sometimes you, don’t realize the weight of something you are carrying until you feel the weight of its release. – Unknown

 

Life is always asking us to grow and live into our future. If we resist and hold on, we are denying the symbolic deaths that will lead to our own transformation. And when we resist our destiny, we die to life itself. Just on the other side of darkness is the light, our light.

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Copyright ©2016 Soulscape Coaching LLC

 

 

 

 

Radiant darkness

~ Nicole Gnutzman
One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious. –Carl Jung

I have a confession to make. Probably 50% of the time when I mean to type, “sacred,” I type, “scared” instead. My next confession is that I am not a touch typist, I am a hunt and peck typer, so that may explain why, but I think there’s more to it than that….

IMG_1830There’s something about the deep unknown that scares us (or at least some of us). We’ve been told and taught that the unknown is dark and shadowy; it’s murky and mercurial; it’s a place we should not go. Hence, scary.

And we tend to run from what scares us: from our darkest shadow, from our deepest emotions, from the parts of ourselves we cannot accept. We suppress our anger until it festers and we vent it on the wrong things (and people); we stifle our sadness until our unshed tears dry up leaving us empty of joy; and we deny our fears by trying to control everything and everyone in our lives. When we ignore these darker emotions, we are in danger of falling into a black abyss of depression where no light penetrates or emanates.

Without acknowledging these darker aspects of ourselves–our anger, our sadness and our fears–we aren’t quite complete. These aspects of ourselves don’t, and won’t, go away on their own. They stage a sit in and wait in the dark.

All this talk of shadows and darkness, reminds me of Ursula K. Le Guin’s book (the one many of us read as teens), The Farthest Shore, and Ged, the young wizard, who runs from the shadow he unleashes upon the world. It is not until Ged names his shadow that he is able to face it, to conquer his fear, and merge with it. It is his understanding and ultimately his naming of it that allows him to be whole.

Shadow work is the path of the heart warrior. – Carl Jung

One of my own shadows came to me in a dream, capturing my attention. I was both disturbed and intrigued by it. When he then came to me in meditation, this time in a more demanding way, I was alarmed. When I next meditated I could feel him lurking, so I asked him, “what do you want?” He expressed that he wanted my love.

I knew in that moment that he was an aspect of myself that I had rejected and denied–the free-spirited puer (young male) part of me. When I was able to acknowledge him and his positive energy, he was satisfied and became an energetic quality that I can call upon when young male energy is most needed. He became my ally.

IMG_2649When we choose to look closely at ourselves, most often when we are in a place of despair, we begin to see into our darkness with an honesty and a clarity that shines its light upon it.

If we sit in that darkness, without fighting it, our vision adjusts. And if we sit there long enough to name the shadow that we deny or suppress or ignore, the inner light of our being begins to glow with understanding and compassion, and eventually suffuses the darkness.

Our darkness begets the light. We shine with its radiance. And, as heart warriors, we unmask what scares and reveal the sacred within.